Pathway to Tomorrow (22 page)

She squeezed his hand. “Will you…if I organize it?”

“Mmm…but I want you to do something for me in return.”

He saw the question in her eyes as he bent to kiss her. “I want you to think harder about marrying me Jodie. This living apart and have to snatch at moments alone together is ridiculous. I want you in my house and in my bed and I really don’t understand why you don’t feel the same, not when you’ve proved in every other way exactly how you feel about me.”

* * *

“What am I going to do Bucky?” Jodie put her hand under Buckmaster’s soft muzzle and smiled as he blew into it. “I want to live with him but how can I do that when it might all go pear-shaped tomorrow? What if he meets someone else while he’s off on one of his trips to California; someone who understands all about music; someone who would fit his lifestyle better than I ever will?”

Buckmaster regarded her patiently with his liquid brown eyes. He liked the sound of her voice even though he didn’t understand the words. He knew, too, when she was sad. And she was sad now, which was why he hadn’t started to eat even though he wanted to.

Jodie laughed at him as she secured the straps on his blanket. “Alright, I’m going greedy boy. Sleep tight.”

He snorted as she pulled the stable door shut behind her and she was still laughing when she walked into the kitchen. She stopped smiling as soon as she saw Izzie though because her sister was sitting in front of the computer staring at an image that almost filled the screen. It was a picture of their mother. She half turned when she heard Jodie.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That we once had a sister. Why didn’t you tell me about how she was delivered at the side of the road after Mamma died?”

Ignoring her question Jodie peered at the screen. Her heart sank when she
saw what she was reading.

“How did you find that?”

“I used a search engine. How else? Did you think you could keep this from me forever? Didn’t you think I had a right to know?”

“No…yes…of course I did, but not yet. I didn’t want to tell you until you were old enough to understand, until…”

“…until I’d stopped having nightmares. Until I’d been cured by the therapist you and Marcus thought I needed.”

“Do need,” Jodie corrected her. “If you want to leave home and cope on your own, then you do need help Izzie.”

“No I don’t…not now I know the truth. Not now I know I wasn’t imagining things when I peered out the window of the car and saw a monster doing something to Mamma. I thought he was killing her and then he got up and walked towards me carrying a naked baby covered in blood. Mamma was covered in blood too. I was so scared I slid down onto the floor and pulled the blanket that had been covering me right over my head because I knew he was coming to get me…and I’ve never been able to stop thinking that, not until now, even though I knew it didn’t make sense. Each time I woke up screaming it was because I was sure he was there in the bedroom with me. I was convinced that if he ever found me alone he’d kill me too.”

“Now though, I know I’m not going mad. What I saw was true wasn’t it…there was a man and a baby and there was a lot of blood. He wasn’t
the monster I thought he was though, he was just a doctor who was trying to help but I was too young to understand.”

Horrified, Jodie just stared at her. How had this happened? How had she got it so wrong? Why didn’t she know about the monster? Why had she just accepted it when the child psychologists told her Izzie was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that when she had nightmares she was reliving the car crash? Nobody had ever mentioned a monster, not even Izzie herself.

“I didn’t know,” she whispered, sinking into the chair opposite. “I thought…everyone thought you were just frightened by the memory of the crash. How come you never told anyone about the monster and the dead baby?”

Izzie shook her head. “I tried to once, but the woman I told said I was imagining things. She said I’d been so frightened by the crash my brain was making things up. She told me there were no such things as monsters.”

“But why didn’t you tell me?” Jodie couldn’t hide the hurt in her voice as she remembered all the nights she’d held her sister close while she waited for her terrified sobs to subside.

After a long pause Izzie’s face crumpled and suddenly she was the little girl in Jodie’s arms again. “Because I didn’t want you to be frightened of him as well,” she sobbed.

* * *

Jodie was still wide awake when her cell phone rang. She’d been staring into the darkness for what seemed like hours, her eyes gritty and sore from all the tears she and Izzie had shared that evening. Marcus heard them in her voice as soon as she spoke.

“I’m fine,” she told him. “Really I am Marcus…it’s just this evening has been…difficult.”

He listened as she recounted the long conversation she had had with Izzie over a scratch meal of bread and cheese, not interrupting even when she told him how Blue’s death had triggered her sister’s memories.

“For some unaccountable reason she had a flash back when she stood in your garden and watched you lower Blue’s body into the grave.  I don’t understand why it happened and I don’t think she does either, but suddenly she had a clear memory of our mother lying dead at the roadside. She’d repressed it for years, only remembering the monster and the blood in her nightmares.”

“So that’s why she decided to go searching for her on the Internet?” Marcus prompted when she paused.

“Yes. And it didn’t take her long to find the newspaper reports or the court proceedings that followed. I should have realized she’d do something like that eventually and told her everything a long time ago, then she wouldn’t have spent years thinking she was imagining things. I haven’t been helping her Marcus. By trying to protect her I’ve just been making things worse.”

“Rubbish! And I bet Izzie doesn’t think so either. She doesn’t, does she?”

“No…but I do Marcus… and it hurts to know how badly I’ve let her down.”

* * *

Jodie woke as the first fingers of dawn clawed at the horizon and after a few minutes of tossing and turning she gave up, threw back her covers and began to pull on her clothes.

Buckmaster gave a soft whinny of pleasure when she unlatched the door to his stable, and before long she had saddled him and led him out of the yard. Once outside she vaulted up onto his back and turned his nose in the direction of the beach. The dark figure that loomed up when she approached the bridleway sent a momentary quiver of fear through her until she realized it was Marcus.

“What are you doing here?” she asked him.

“Waiting for you.”

They stared at one another, their eyes shadowed by the early morning gloom, and then she was out of the saddle and in his arms.

“I’ve made such a mess of everything,” she whispered, pressing her cheek against his jacket.  “If it wasn’t for me, Izzie would have been over her trauma years ago.”

“You don’t know any such thing and you’ll never know it anymore than I’ll ever know whether Lucia meant to kill herself. Sometimes we just have to accept things and move on. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to learn it’s the only way.”

“But what if I can’t move on? What if I remember it every time I look at her?”

“Then you’ll have to find something else to think about, which brings me to my next idea. How about if I bring Luke to see you and Bucky later on today.”

She knew it wasn’t something he wanted to do; knew he was only suggesting it to take her mind off Izzie, and she loved him for it even while she reluctantly shook her head.

“He’s not ready Marcus. You can’t just bring him because you feel like it. He’s got to want to come himself. He’s got to ask to see Bucky instead of putting his hands over his ears every time I mention his name, and making that stupid clicking noise that drives everyone mad.”

“Well bring him for breakfast then. Tether him close to the dining room. Maybe Luke will change his mind if he sees him outside the window.”

She shook her head again. “I can’t. I need to get back before Izzie wakes up. Today of all days she needs me to be there for her.”

He led her back to Buckmaster and boosted her back into the saddle. “You’re always there for her. Stop saying no and leave Izzie to me. It’s pancakes all round at eight o’clock.”

* * *

She heard their laughter as she approached the kitchen and was surprised at the effect it had on her. She hadn’t known how uptight she was until the knot in her throat loosened and a curl of warmth flushed her cheeks.

“I’ve just demoted Izzie to commis chef because she’s rubbish at tossing pancakes,” Marcus told her as she pushed open the door.

“That’s so not fair. I only missed the pan because he spoke to me at the vital moment!” Izzie grinned at Jodie as she looked up from where she was busy clearing up splashes of pancake mix from the kitchen counter.

Noting with relief that color had returned to her sister’s cheeks and the haunted expression of the past few days had faded from her face, Jodie forced herself to join in with the banter, and then to applaud Marcus’ expertise as he ladled batter into the hot pan and tossed a perfect golden pancake.

“I guess you’d better find some plates and cutlery,” he said as the pile began to grow.

“What about Luke? Surely he like pancakes too?” Izzie was searching through the kitchen drawers as she spoke so she missed the irritation that flickered across Marcus’ face. Jodie didn’t though.

“I’ll go find him,” she said.

* * *

Luke was halfway through his breakfast. His eyes were wide as he stared at Jodie across the top of his glass of orange juice.  She knew seeing her at an unfamiliar time of day might be difficult for him but she was determined to try.  Mrs. Cotton was sitting at the table too, and after a moment’s thought Jodie directed her remarks to her.

“Marcus is making pancakes.”

Realizing what she wanted, Mrs. Cotton responded with a smile. “Luke likes pancakes. He always pours maple syrup over them.”

Luke put down his glass and returned to his scrambled eggs without any indication he’d heard them, but Jodie picked up the cue.

“Do you know where the maple syrup is Mrs. Cotton?”

The older woman shook her head. “No I don’t. Luke might remember where it’s kept though.”

Jodie turned to him. “Do you know where it is Luke?”

Although he gave her a slanting look he didn’t answer. Instead he carried on eating his scrambled egg and toast with slow deliberation. With a sigh Jodie made for the door.

“I’ll see if I can find it myself before my pancake get cold.”

As she made her way back to the kitchen her heart bled for the little boy she’d left hunched over his breakfast tray. What had happened to the child who, when she first met him, had talked non-stop about the birds in the trees outside his balcony, and then later about the ones in his new garden? Blue’s death might have sent him into a personal reality that nobody could penetrate but something else was keeping him there. She wished she knew what it was because then she might be able to find a way to help him out of the dark place he now inhabited, and if she could do that then it might help Marcus too.

She tried to remember everything she had learned about children with autism. What was she missing? Suddenly she knew the answer. Luke wouldn’t be himself again until Marcus was.  As long as Marcus grieved for Blue, as long as he shut himself away in his studio and poured all his feelings into his music, his son would continue to search for answers. His obsession with death was his attempt to try to understand Marcus’ behavior; it wasn’t about Blue at all. He was used to his father being away a lot, and to being distracted and busy when he was around, but he was bright enough to know the difference between a necessary and busy absence and an absence of spirit. He didn’t understand why Marcus was unhappy but he knew he was different from the person he had been before Blue died, and it frightened him.

Come to think of it, she hadn’t seen him smile once since that awful morning when they’d buried the old dog. Now, on her daily visits, he mostly refused to talk at all. He’d stopped laughing too. That musical whoop of joy that had so often accompanied his helter-skelter rush across the terrace to see Buckmaster had disappeared completely, and it was all because of Marcus’ self-absorption. She felt a surge of anger as she walked into the kitchen. He wasn’t the only person on the planet who had a son with problems so the sooner he came to terms with it and put Luke first, the better.

Izzie wiped traces of pancake from her mouth as she met Jodie’s gaze. “No luck?”

She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak, and when Marcus handed her a plate with a freshly tossed pancake in the middle of it, she barely managed the trace of a smile. He frowned. Luke had obviously done something to upset her. If only she would leave him to Mrs. Cotton and her team then she’d stop being disappointed every time he failed to respond.