Owning Regina: Diary of my unxpected passion for another woman (7 page)

Even though they had split custody, Tucker always gravitated to Regina (WHO WOULDN’T?) and she said they have always enjoyed an honest and special relationship. And I must say, Tucker seems like a super great kid.  He could always turn out to be a serial killer from repressed damage, but I feel that his mom is a great role model for how to be a positive energy in the world.

Regina had to deal with her husband Alex’s crazy threats and hassles for years. He has a substance problem. That was the root of the demise. Once he beat her and she called the cops. Tucker was there. It killed her inside. But she is doing everything she can to heal Tucker now. Because she is a teacher, she only has to work until 3pm everyday so she can pick him up from school. She tries really hard to always spend quality time with him. He's gonna be ok. I can just tell. She never badmouths Alex in front of Tucker. She said Alex is the greatest dad and an all around good guy… until he starts drinking again. Then it’s a cycle of damage and rebuilding, then damage again. But he has been sober for a long time now, so things are calm.

After breakfast-for-dinner, Regina said she had to get back. Neither of us would dare suggest she spend the night. Not only did we both have work in the morning, but also I'm sure we both felt like things were moving fast enough already.

We needed to keep a deliberate, steady pace so as not to get ahead of ourselves with a big crash and burn. There I go again. I don't know why I keep thinking the other shoe is going to drop. I should let the goodness flow. I should trust. 

She was going to be with Tucker for the next three days. I wouldn't see her again until yoga on Wednesday night. I walked her to her electric Vespa. The funny thing was when she was ready to leave for home, neither of us had an inclination to kiss. It would have been forced, not like the kind of kissing earlier in the day that was drawn magically from somewhere in the ether. But even though it was merely a hug goodbye, I could tell we both were clinging to the goodness of the day. We both wanted more. We both trusted in being connected. She joked as she sat on the motorcycle seat, "Ouch! You really did a number on my tush." I joked back, "It wasn't me. It was that mean Mistress of yours."  She laughed and drove off… very, very, quietly on her electric vegi-bike.

--- MONDAY MARCH 26 --- Back at work

I woke up and still smelled her on my pillow the next day
.
Usually on Mondays, I'm kind of blue. It seems everyone is like that. It's a real thing. But today, I was different. I was more introspective. I was rerunning the whole weekend on a loop in my head. It was mind-numbing to think how fast things went.  In a single weekend, I went from totally straight and into guys to a full-steam relationship with a girl. My intellect told me that the new relationship isn't me. I've never been interested in women… ever. It must have been some emotionally drunken rebound from Boyfriend X. It was some kind of exploration or whatever. Everyone I have known my whole life has heard me go on about boys and sex with boys. I like boys. I've always liked boys.  That was my intellect.

But my heart tells me something opposite. My heart tells me that Regina is it! Look no further.  It's a mind and heart tug-o-war. It's the little angel and devil on my shoulders trying to pull me to their side. It's really confusing. Regina, at dinner last night told me pretty much the same thing about herself. She would have never considered anything remotely close to what is going on with us. She said I was special somehow and drew her into my own personal gravity field.

But to fight with the devil for a second, there could also be a strong case that I have always been kinky my whole life and was sexually oriented toward dark sex. And dark sex doesn't necessarily have to adhere to any one gender. So in that sense, being with Regina is not about changing my orientation. I've always oriented toward kink. I've always wanted and needed that. So I'm still the same person and fulfilling my same sexual fantasies.

I wondered if Regina was having any sort of buyer's remorse. Was this just a wild little tryst for her? Was it just something new and exciting to shake the stress and doldrums of single mommyhood and thankless work as a teacher? Was she seriously kinky? Are we really a fit? Maybe she just let her guard down for a moment. After reality sets in, maybe she'll think I'm too dark. Maybe she'll burn out on being my toy.

On the other hand, I've read a fair amount about S&M relationships. Some go on for a lifetime. Some people find joy in kink forever. I'm not saying this is true S&M. That whole scene has always seemed cliché to me. I've been to a few dungeon/dance clubs with Victoria. We went there for kicks to check it out.  It always felt false to me. It felt like straight people in costumes.  Well, or gay people in costumes too. It was always showy and cinematic. I didn't believe that scene. Everyone wore the cliché black leather and studs. Boring. Fake. Then some dominatrix would be whipping some fat guy on a rack in the back of the room. The crowd would watch with their martinis and act like they really understood kink. Please. It actually pissed me off.

Kink isn't a costume. It's not an act. It's not flogging some stranger. That's all bullshit. I feel kink as the guiding rudder of my sexuality. It's me. It's not something you try at a club where you play with "danger" for show.

When I had Regina chained at the neck to that post, it touched my core. It ignited real passion in me that I have been shamed into keeping at bay for my whole life. So the only real question is, does Regina have the same wiring? Is it in her core? What if we start down this path and three months later, she turns vanilla on me and is repulsed by the idea of being my object. I would feel one inch tall.

All this doubt was swirling around my head. So I thought I'd better check it out with her. I texted her and arranged to call on her lunch break. When the time came, I called her from my car while driving to lunch. The conversation went like this.

REGINA

Meg!

ME

Are you ok?

REGINA

I don't know. Are you?

ME

Are you feeling scared like me?

REGINA

Yeah. I'm kind of scared.

ME

Because you made a mistake or because you think it might end?

REGINA

I'm scared because I showed you my soul this weekend. I
’m scared you will go away.

ME

That's the same thing I'm afraid
of.

REGINA

Do you think this is real?

ME

Do you?

REGINA

I want it to be real. I want to love you.

ME

Me too.

(
Long pause)

ME

Ok. I think we're good.

REGINA

Ok. Me too.

We both chuckled nervously for a moment.

ME

Can you believe how blue the sky is today?

REGINA

What!!  I'm at work.

ME

Can you believe how blue the sky is today?

REGINA

(Whispering into the phone)

Yes it is, Mistress.

ME

You are my object. Do you understand me?

REGINA

(Super eager)

Yes, Mistress. Yes!

ME

I need you
to masturbate in the bathroom.

Then email me and tell me that you did it.

REGINA

Yes, Mistress.

And I hung up on her. About 15 minutes later, she wrote me and said that she had done it and was profusely thanking me for the command.  I wrote her back a single line email with no subject: "That was some kind of crazy day I had"

An hour later, some flowers appeared at my work. There was a note attached,
"In spite of what the weather may be doing, I really appreciate our developing friendship.  Fondly, Regina." 

This was particularly funny because I had sent her flowers about the same time and the school receptionist was probably signing for them at the same moment. My note wasn't as poetic. It just said,
"Regina, I've never shared my true heart like I have with you. Thanks for not judging me. You're beautiful. - I'm yours, Meg."

Of course, my whole office teased me about who was sending flowers. Pete, in particular, commented that I looked different. He made the intuitive observation that something major has shifted in my life. He knew it was a relationship. He said he’s never seen me like that, brooding, pensive, and daydreaming.  And he was right. I’d never seen me like that either.

That evening I briefly called Regina to wish her goodnight and to tell her to enjoy loving Tucker.  She was sweet and wished me well too.

I must say, immature as it is, I was a little jealous that Tucker got to be with her. I skipped dinner and went to bed, sleeping all the way until morning.

--- TUESDAY MARCH 27 --
-   No playing games

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. I have never felt time move so slowly. I felt like I was in stuck in a giant jar of molasses on a winter day. I really wanted to make it through the day without texting or calling Regina. I didn’t want to seem too needy or desperate.  It wasn’t even lunchtime yet. I struggled to occupy myself with my job, trying everything to avoid calling. It was torture.

And of course, with each minute that went by, I had this running dialog with myself: “Maybe she misses me and is struggling hard not to call me too. Maybe she was getting angry with me that I wasn’t contacting her. Maybe she thought I was playing games with her to see who would call first. Or maybe, she was just going along in the trappings of her day and has me on the back burner of her mind.”  But the way we connected told me that she wasn’t likely to play games.

Also, from the way she was crying during our little session (for lack of a better word), I’m sure she was thinking about me, touched by the sudden and extreme emotional changes.

Ding-a-ling! The caller I.D. on my office phone showed that Regina was calling. My emotions started racing.  I quickly picked up:

ME

Hi Regina!

REGINA

Hi.

ME

I’m so glad you called. I was on the fence about calling you
. I didn’t want to bug you or seem desperate.

REGINA

I had the exact same thoughts.  I felt like calling but wanted to play it cool.

ME

Regina, let’s agree on one thing.

REGINA

Ok, what?

ME

Let’s agree that we will always keep our relationship healthy by not playing any games.

REGINA

You mean like calculating to call or not call?

ME

Right. We should just always operate out of honesty. If we feel like calling, we call. If we feel hurt, we say it. If we feel jealous or put off or slighted, we say it. I think that will help us stay on course with each other.

REGINA

Agreed. That’s how I normally operate anyway
. But with something as delicate and precious as what we are developing, I might have tended to cover some feelings in hopes of not pushing you away. But you’re right. There is no place for that with us.  The only games we can play are the games about the weather.

ME

(I chuckled)

Sounds good. Like right now… I don’t know if you said that… in hopes of getting me to talk about the sky… or if you just said it for fun.

REGINA

I was just joking.  If I really want to talk about the sky with you, you will know it. You will see me yearn. You will be able to read me. You will see my eyes begging for your control. You will know when to talk about the sky.