Out of Darkness (7 page)

“Talk to me,” Denise pleaded. “You’re not going to hurt my feelings one bit. Tell me how you’re feeling.”

Her nose ran and Meredith coughed as she shook her head, trying to clear the tears from her eyes. “Devastated. I feel like all my dreams are gone,” her broken voice cracked and the sobs started over again.

“They’re not, honey. Now’s the time to realize those dreams, make new ones.”

Someone who hadn’t had such things taken from them couldn’t understand, and Meredith couldn’t seem to explain it with enough detail that others knew where she was coming from. She felt so alone.

“I’m broken and I just don’t know if I can ever be fixed,” she whimpered as she curled her fingers around Denise’s shoulders and hung on for dear life.

“You’re gonna be fixed. I won’t allow you not to be,” Denise vowed, rocking the other woman as she cried it all out.

“What happened?” Tyler barked as Meredith made her way back into the clubhouse.

She looked like death warmed over. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy, her face a sick white pallor. The woman in front of him looked ready to collapse.

“I really don’t wanna talk about it,” she croaked out. Her throat was raw with all the crying she’d done, and she was physically exhausted. For the first time in months it felt like she could go to sleep and stay there for days. It had finally caught up with her, the utter exhaustion that she’d been feeling. Perhaps it was really depression and it’d finally just overtaken her body.

Tyler fought back the protective side he had for her and did his best to respect her wishes. She walked slowly to his dorm room, and he followed her at a respectable distance, hoping not to spook her.

“Anything I can do for you?” he asked softly.

Frustration and anger made her lash out. “I’m so
sick
of people doing things for me. Treating me like I can’t do anything for myself. It drives me crazy,” she screamed.

Taken aback, he didn’t say anything, just listened to her rage.

“Poor Meredith, she got raped and she can’t sleep at night and nothing is ever going to be the same for her again. Let’s treat her with kid gloves and keep her from getting too stressed out because she might have a nervous breakdown.”

He herded her into the dorm room and shut the door. “Are you done?”

“No, I’m not done. I’m so sick of this.”

She charged into him and screamed, pushing him back against the door to the room. He didn’t try to hold her arms back, just let her go as she started to beat her fists into his chest. After several long minutes, she stopped, collapsing against him.

Carefully, he put his arms around her, hugging her to him. She launched her arms around his neck, holding on for dear life, and it took him by surprise. She was so tentative usually when she touched other people.

“Please, don’t let me go,” she begged tearfully. It was there, the need for human touch. It was finally there again.

“I won’t,” he promised. “I will be here for as long as you need. For whatever you need me for. I’m not gonna let you down.”

She knew without a doubt that he was telling the truth. She also knew that in order for them to move forward, she was going to have to get uncomfortable. Try things that she hadn’t before and put her fears aside. If she could have him and everything she wanted though, it would be worth every single drop of fear, anxiety, and sadness she’d ever felt.

Chapter Nine

I
am a hot mess. I completely went off on Tyler and Denise yesterday. I embarrassed myself beyond belief, and the truth is, I’m not sure whether it did any good or not. I still have so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. I just don’t know how to get them all out, how to let go of these feelings that keep eating me up from the inside out. I had a breakthrough though. I realized I need it. I need human touch. I want Tyler to hug me, his finger to brush my cheek, I want him to hold me while I sleep.

Meredith put down her journal and bit her thumbnail thoughtfully. Last night had been the first night of real sleep she’d gotten since this whole ordeal had started. Why, she wasn’t sure, but thought maybe she’d reached a turning point, and perhaps the emotions of the last few days had finally gotten to her. For the first time when she’d woken up this morning, she believed that she would come through this on the other side. Not unscathed, but possibly able to enjoy her life. To be able to get married and have children and have what others would consider a normal life. She even thought that maybe she would be able to have that with Tyler. But before she would be able to do that, she had to come to grips with her mental issues. That’s why she’d made another appointment with her therapist, sooner than normal.

She placed her journal in its safe spot and then went to find Tyler. She found him at the kitchen table with Liam, drinking from his ever present skull mug.

“Morning,” he greeted her, offering a small smile.

She knew that she didn’t deserve that. Not really. Not after the way she’d acted the night before and the blubbering mess she’d been before assaulting him. But she’d take it.

“Morning. Do you think that you and your skull mug can take me to a doctor’s appointment here in a few?”

His brows narrowed. “Something wrong?”

“No, I just feel like after last night, I need to talk about some stuff.”

He realized that she didn’t really want to get into it with Liam around and, thankfully, he didn’t press her for further info. “Let me just wash my cup and then we can jet.”

Jagger, a new member of the club who was just coming out of his Prospect period, stopped him. “Nah, man, I got it. You go on.”

Movement in the club stopped. Everyone watched as Jagger grinned and picked up the mug, showing what he considered proper respect for his elder officer. He took it over to the sink, washed and dried it quickly before bringing it back to the table and setting it down in front of Tyler. It wasn’t until then that he noticed all eyes on him.

“What?” he asked, uncomfortable with the stares that followed him. Even Liam looked at him, mouth hanging wide open. “You never seen somebody pay some respect to somebody else and do a dish?”

“I haven’t ever seen anybody touch that mug, including me,” Liam clarified, watching Jagger with wide eyes. “Tyler always hints that it’s cursed, but he never tells us for sure.”

Finally picking up on what he was saying, Jagger lost his swagger and looked at Tyler. “The fuck man? Seriously? Is it cursed?”

“I guess you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”

“I’m ready to move on,” Meredith told Dr. Jones with such determination in her voice even she believed it.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I want to try and get physical again. I want to get married, I want to have children. I want this to stop hanging over my head. I want to take my life back.”

“I caution you again, Meredith, not to rush yourself. Don’t do this out of some misguided sense that there’s a timeline.”

She shook her head. “I’m not. I let Tyler kiss me the other night.”

“How did that go?”

“Pretty well. I think if he had tried, I would have let him go further.”

Something in her eyes caused the Doctor to sit forward and regard her seriously. “What brought this on, and be honest with me.”

“My friend Denise and her old man, boyfriend, whatever, have decided to have a baby,” Meredith sighed. “This is what I wanted for so long, and I feel like the world is just moving on without me.”

“Nothing moves on without you, Meredith. Your world goes at your pace, theirs goes at theirs.”

“And trust me, I know that, but I’m just sick of Tyler sleeping on the floor. If you get what I mean.”

A patient smile appeared on Doctor Jones’ face. “You really think you’re ready for that?”

“I think I’m getting there, but I’m not sure how not to freak out.”

Doctor Jones thought over her words carefully and very softly suggested her regimen of therapy. “Masturbation.”

“What?” Meredith coughed, her face flaming red.

“You have to get comfortable with sexual feelings and touches again. What better way to do that than for you to have complete control over what you’re doing. He can even watch.”

“The hell he will,” she shouted.

“You’ve never done that before?”

Something about the older woman asking her that caused Meredith to giggle and then she couldn’t stop. “Are you a freak under those professional clothes, Doc?”

“Two consenting adults watching each other masturbate does not a freak make,” she smiled, not really answering the question.

Meredith could see where the doctor was coming from and was sure that she’d used this method of treatment with other rape survivors before, but she honestly knew nothing about what the doctor was asking her to do. “Where do I even begin?”

“Tell Tyler to take you to Upton,” she smiled mysteriously.

“What’s in Upton?”

“Trust me, Tyler knows and he won’t even question it. Just walk out that door, tell him to take you there, and I’d like to see you in the next couple of days.”

Armed with her new ‘homework’ fresh in her brain, Meredith walked out, a bemused look on her face. Tyler had a cell phone to his ear and was grinning in an evilly wicked way she’d never seen before. Holding up his finger, he continued talking for a few moments before ending the call.

“Everything alright?” she asked when he doubled over with laughter.

“Jagger ran into a chair and broke his toe. The ‘curse of the skull’ is in full effect.”

She couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.

“Seriously, is that damn thing cursed or not?”

“What do you think?” he asked her with a quirked brow.

The fact of the matter was, she just wasn’t sure. Jagger was making a good case for it being cursed though. “I don’t know still. I’ll reserve judgment for a later date. Now I have a favor to ask.”

“What’s that?” he asked, leaning against the bike. His long legs crossed at the ankle and his hands rested at his sides. She loved how comfortable he was in his body. A small amused smile still played at the edges of his lips.

“Can you take me to Upton?”

His eyes darkened and that smile turned sexy, transforming his face. “You sure?”