Only Yesterday (44 page)

When Rebecca saw her daughter, she was shocked. She called out in panic, What’s wrong with you, my daughter? My daughter, what’s wrong with you? Did something happen to you? Shifra shouted, I don’t know what you want from me. As she said that, she laid her head on her mother’s breast, looked into her eyes, and thought, Does Mother know what happened to me? Rebecca stroked her cheeks and her hands, and didn’t know what else to do. And she didn’t stop gazing at her beauty, the beauty that planted jealousy in the hearts of her neighbors and made them slander her and say that that painter had set his sights on her. Rebecca said to herself, God Forbid there is sin in her because she is beautiful and gracious. And don’t we pray every morning, Grant us grace and kindness in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us. She recalled the tale of one Tanna who had a very handsome daughter, he saw that people were looking at her and stumbling into thoughts of sin, he asked for mercy on her to make her ugly and she was made ugly. Rebecca raised her eyes to heaven and said, Lord God, merciful and gracious, have mercy on us. Shifra lifted her eyes to her mother and asked, Mother, did you say something? Said Rebecca, what shall I say, may it be His will that He who sees the offense of the offended see our offense and save us. The voice of a dog was suddenly heard. Rebecca grasped her daughter’s hand in a panic. Said Shifra, If a dog is barking outside, should you be afraid? But she was scared, too.

Shifra went to bed and pondered, What was I scared of, I don’t have anything to do with him. He behaved with me as they behave with a girl. All her anger for Isaac departed, and a heavy sadness clasped her heart. And she already saw herself far away and distant from all those things that are even slightly pleasant. Lord God, merciful and gracious, whispered Shifra, help me and save me. It is already past midnight but I am still not asleep. Such a thing didn’t hap-pen to her, except on nights of Selikhot. What shall I do, what shall I do, shouted Shifra from her heart, and repeated the Shema a few times until she sank into sleep.

c h a p t e r t w e n t y - t h r e e

Why Isaac Stayed in Jerusalem and Did Not Go to Jaffa

1. I
   

   When he wanted to go down to Jaffa, it was the anniversary of his mother’s death. He postponed his trip and went to say Kaddish. He came to the synagogue during the day to get to know the congregation, and he stood in a corner and recited the Kaddish in a whisper. A Cantor went to the Ark and prayed the afternoon prayer. Isaac glanced at him and reviled himself, That man recites the whole prayer by heart and my heart is too reticent to say Kaddish in public. How did I get to this point? Because I stayed away from synagogues. He who withdraws from the public eventually dreads the public. What would Mother say about that? But Mother is lying in the grave and it’s not clear if she knows or if she doesn’t.
   

   The study house smelled of books and holy objects, the smell that evokes in a man’s heart the days when he would pray early and late. And when he recalled those days, he began looking in the depths of his heart, Why isn’t he satisfied with himself? Said Isaac to himself, Even if you are busy during the day, you are free for prayer in the evening and the morning. Happy is he who knows how to begin in the morning and how to end at night. Shifra doesn’t imagine that I eat without prayer.
   

   But he, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity and destroyed them not, a sad and pious voice was heard, like people who know their instincts and try to please their Creator. Isaac dismissed all his thoughts and began to pray. At first in a whisper, then aloud, like a person who was flung into a distant place and his heart hesitates to speak, for he doesn’t know their tongue, as he began speaking he found that his tongue is their tongue. And when he came to
   

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   the Shema, he covered his eyes and drew out the “One” until he and the whole world disappeared before the Unique One of the World Who fills all of existence. And when he came to the prayer that be-gins, You shall love your God with all your heart, he opened his eyes. He saw himself standing in a study house, for today was the anniversary of his mother’s death. And when he recalled his mother, he recalled those days when he was a child and his mother would stand at his bed and make him recite the Shema. And two loves, the love of God and the love of his mother, stirred his heart.
   

   After reciting the Kaddish, he studied a chapter of Mishnah. After he concluded his chapter, he saw that there were ten men there. He said to them, By your grace, I want to recite the Kaddish of learned men. He straightened his legs and bent his head and recited the Rabbi’s Kaddish in fear and trembling.
   

   Meanwhile, the candlelight waned. He turned and went to the Ark and read by the light of the candle he lit for his mother’s soul. The wick floated on the oil and its sweet light illuminated. Five hundred miles away, his mother’s body is lying in the ground, and five hundred years from the ground to the firmament, where her soul is hovering, and between heaven and earth stands the son and studies for the repose of her soul. Nine hundred and seventy-four generations before the world was created the Torah existed, and it will exist until the end of all generations. When a man studies Torah, all the generations before him and all those that will come after him press together and come join him.
   

   As Isaac stood and studied, an old man came to him and greeted him and asked him, Who are you and what is your trade? Free or married? From the old man’s questions, his trade was clear. Isaac pondered, It is a disgrace to choose to make a match through a matchmaker. But he felt that if a person came to intervene for him, he would be happy. Isaac looked at the old man’s strange hat and at his red eyes with the flesh around the lashes already devoured, and his white hair that had turned blue in a few places. How come he doesn’t take snuff? An old man who doesn’t take snuff is stubborn, and I won’t get rid of him in a hurry. Isaac asked the old man, How are you? Said the old man, Me you’re asking? Not good, my friend,
   

   not good. Asked Isaac, What does that mean, not good? Said the old man, Simple as can be, not good. Said Isaac, But the first days were good? Said the old man in amazement, Good? Can it be good if you grumble and complain? Isaac pondered to himself, An old man whose fear is spread on his face, he might grumble. That old man said to him, There is no difference between the first days and the last days except in the past I complained that the Holy-One-Blessed-Be- He, the Almighty, wasn’t watching over me, and now I complain that I am not watching over Him, the Almighty. But that’s not the major grief. In the past when I had my full strength, I would also complain with all my strength, and sometimes He would answer me and do good for me, not as I wanted but as He wanted, at any rate, He would answer me. And now, my friend, now when I complain, I complain without strength. And as a result, my friend. . . I see that I am keeping you from the Torah, I’ll go away. Said Isaac, Never mind, never mind. Said the old man, What are you saying, never mind. If I were you, I would pick up the stick and hit that foolish old man who clings to you and keeps you from studying. I’ll go away, my friend, and you go back to studying.
   

   In the morning, he was lazy to get up and assumed he was late for prayer. The church bells began pealing. His rest was over and he jumped out of bed. Said Isaac, If Jacob doesn’t awaken by himself, Esau comes and gets him up.
   

2. I
   

   The anniversary of the day his father and his mother died is a day of moral stock-taking. If the son hasn’t attained their age, he worries that he won’t get there. And if he has more years than they had, he fears that he was given more years only to test him more. Therefore, peo-ple used to fast on that day, to be stirred to repentance and to rummage around in deeds and to regret them, and thereby the son gives the right to his father and mother to rise to Paradise. When the Hasids multiplied and dispensed with superfluous fasts, for fasting saps a per-son’s strength and increases sadness, and after all it is a Commandment to serve the Lord with joy, as it is written, Serve the Lord with gladness, then they annulled the fast on the death of father and
   

   mother, and made a memorial to the deceased by drinking a toast and saying a blessing on the ascent of the soul, for the drink is fit for a blessing and the blessing is fit for the living and for the dead. Most people followed this example and people do not fast on the anniversary of a death. Isaac didn’t fast either. But he prayed and said Kaddish and studied some chapters of the Mishnah that begin with the letters of his mother’s name and with the letters of Soul.
   

   After he finished studying, Isaac longed to do something else for his mother. He considered going to the elders of his hometown who sit inside the Old City walls, for he had longed all the time to see them and was ashamed to go there because his sidelocks were shorn and his beard was shaved. Today when he prayed in public and hadn’t removed his beard from the day before the Sabbath, he wasn’t afraid to appear before them.
   

   He went down to Jaffa Gate and entered the Old City inside the walls. He went around a few houses and courtyards and came to a dirty, narrow alley, the dirtiest of all, and entered an alley that was even dirtier. He had often been here before to visit Reb Alter the rit-ual slaughterer, and would turn back for the same reason, that he was ashamed to appear clean-shaven.
   

   Reb Alter the ritual slaughterer had been one of the big landowners in his hometown and was a professional circumciser and Isaac loved him, both because he was nice to him and because he had brought him into the Covenant. Reb Alter had often stroked his cheeks and told him, Be a Jew and don’t be a Goy. Reb Alter’s apartment in Jerusalem was not like his apartment in his hometown, for in his hometown he had lived in a handsome house with four rooms, and in Jerusalem he lived in one room in a dreary house, the remains of one of those houses the Ishmaelites burned down in time of plague or pestilence so the disease wouldn’t spread to the rest of the houses, and ever since they returned to live in it, they hadn’t repaired it.
   

   That day was laundry day in Reb Alter’s courtyard and all the schoolchildren in the courtyard gathered together there, barefoot and dressed in rags. Some of them washed their face in the water of the puddles between the cobblestones, and some of them cooled their face in the laundry on the line, and some of them licked the
   

   water from it. When they saw a stranger coming into the courtyard they gathered around him and asked him, Who do you want? And each one pushed the other and was eager to lead the guest.
   

3. I
   

On a rickety bed of worn-out and tattered pillows and covers sat Reb Alter leaning over a three-legged table and reading a book. On the table stood a crushed and sooty kettle and a thick glass with bread soaking in it. Poverty chirped from the whole house, like the house itself which was mean and poor. That house was no different from most of the houses inside the Old City wall, but Isaac, whose work brought him to the houses of the well-to-do, had never in his life seen such a house and such poverty. Isaac moaned, Reb Alter, don’t you know me? Reb Alter raised his eyes and squinted, his lips shook and he said, Isaac? And he went on, Aren’t you the son of Simon? Wait a little and I’ll get up and greet you. Reb Alter straightened up a bit and took his hand and said, Itzikl, I didn’t recognize you. My sight is afflicted. But praise the Living God I can recognize a voice. Sit down, my son, sit down. So you’re in Jerusalem and not in the agricultural settlements. Sit down first and then we’ll talk. He sat him at his right and started talking.

After Reb Alter succeeded in sending his sons out into the world, he saw that his time had come to return his body to his mother’s bosom. He divided his fortune, two thirds he gave to his sons and a third he took for himself. Moreover, the new ritual slaughterer paid him to take over his position. He took his money and set out, alert, happy and goodhearted, without grief or pain, he and his modest wife, Mrs. Hinda Puah. Happy that he would eat on his own, and goodhearted that he wouldn’t need anyone. But living in the Land of Israel is a Commandment and not a pleasure. When they sniffed money on him, the inspectors of the Torat Haim Yeshiva came and persuaded him to put his money in their shares. He was persuaded by them and was happy, for he would aid those who study Torah and his money would bring him profit, for shares are wont to bring profit to their owners. But divine justice hovers over Jerusalem. It wasn’t long before he lost his money and had nothing left but the

shirt on his back. As he spoke, Reb Alter put on his clothing and covered his knees, which were seen in the torn trousers. He sensed that Isaac was looking at him. He raised both hands and clapped them together, and said, One way or another, at any rate, we are in Jerusalem.

At that moment, Reb Alter’s wife was not at home. Isaac was afraid to ask about her, lest she had passed away. Said Reb Alter, You don’t ask about the old lady. She’ll be so sorry she didn’t see you. An hour ago, she went to blind Haim Rafael. In our hometown he knew all paths of the city like ten clever men, here he hasn’t yet learned the roads. Once a week, Hinda Puah goes to his house to launder his shirt. A person who ascends to the Land of Israel receives an extra re-ward, for he sees the holy places and rejoices at the sight of them, but the ascent of that blind man is all for its own sake, for he cannot see and cannot rejoice at the sight.

In his hometown, Reb Alter entertained guests and guests were always found in his house, and he himself would serve them. Now that a guest from his hometown had dropped in him, he put on the kettle and put water in it to heat. The kettle was cracked and the kerosene stove didn’t work properly and the wicks didn’t catch fire, and when they did, the water dripped and extinguished the fire. He lit the wicks again and poured water out of the kettle so water remained up to the place where it was cracked. And he began talking with Isaac about matters of their hometown. Said Reb Alter, I did a great repair before I went. A copper ewer I made, with six handles, and every Levite holds one handle and pours water on the hands of Cohens, and the Levites praised me for that. And said Reb Alter, There may be rich men but they didn’t do it, or those who follow the Commandments and yet they didn’t do it, but they left the Commandment to me to distinguish myself by virtue of the Land of Israel. And I have already seen a reward of the Commandment in this world, for I stood on the last holiday before I ascended, six Levites wrapped in prayer shawls each one holding one handle of the ewer, except for bachelors and children, and they didn’t jostle one another. Isaac sat with his head down and his eyelashes trembled.