Only With You (17 page)

Aside from the fact that I was supposedly with Dillon, I knew the second I told my friends I was dating Ryder,
they’d ask me a million questions, and I’d be forced to define what we were. Until I got the chance to talk to Ryder about my concerns, I knew I couldn’t do that.

I tried to catch
his gaze in the mirror, but he wouldn’t look at me. He just kept looking down at the pillow on his lap that he was clutching, his knuckles white. I was pretty sure he didn’t need it anymore, but he didn’t seem to want to let it go. I could see the firm set of his jaw, and I wasn’t sure what was wrong with him. He knew I wasn’t going to tell anyone about us just yet. We’d talked about it.

“Yeah, right,” Shelly muttered. “I make out with all the people I’m ‘just friends’ with.”

“We weren’t making out,” I protested, but I wasn’t sure if anyone believed me with traces of my lip gloss still shining around Ryder’s mouth. He hadn’t gotten all of it off. “I promise you it’s not like that with us.”

Ryder
looked up and glared at me for a few seconds, and I heard in my head how harshly I’d said what I had. I knew he was pissed when he stood up and tossed the pillow aside. As he started toward the door, I called out to him.

“Where are you going?”

“For a walk,” he said, opening and shutting the door with a slam as he left the room.

I felt my shoulders slump.
I felt like such a jerk. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him, but it was obvious I had.

“Do you want to go after him?” Clea asked, and I started to say yes, but Denise answered for me.

“You can’t. There’s no time.”

“But,” I protested, knowing it was an empty request.

“No buts, Syd. We’ve got to stay on schedule.”

“Fine,” I said, sighing as I dug my cell phone out of my back pocket and slumped down into the chair in front of the lighted vanity.

Thankfully my team didn’t make any more comments, but I could see they all wanted to. They loved Ryder. They’d love nothing more to learn that we were together. Hell, they’d badgered me about it enough after Whit and I broke up. And I was sure they were mad at me for upsetting him. Hell, I was mad at myself.

I dialed Ryder’s number expecting him not to answer
, so I was kind of surprised when he did.

“What?” he said tersely, but there was more h
urt in his tone than anger. I hated that I’d put it there.

“I’m sorry,” I told him.

“I know,” he said glumly. “But why couldn’t you have told them? What would it have mattered? You know they wouldn’t care.”

“I
should have. I’m sorry.”

I wasn’t having this conversation over the phone. I needed to talk to him face-to-face, share my fears and talk to him about what he wanted, what I wanted. And I couldn’t do that when I was surrounded by people either. It would have to wait until after the concert.

He sighed in frustration when I didn’t say anything else. “Syd, I get it. We talked about this, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear you say we were just friends – so adamantly I might add. We’re not, right?”

The doubt in his voice killed me.

“No, we’re not,” I said, hoping to ease his mind.

I didn’t want him to doubt how I felt. The internal war I’d been waging before didn’t have anything to do with how much I wanted to be with him.
I wasn’t about that. It was about whether I was good enough for him. But I knew Ryder could read me better than anyone. Maybe he’d sensed that something was off with me and automatically assumed the worst. 

“Good,” he said tightly. “Syd,
I don’t like hiding things. I want to be able to kiss you and not care who sees it. I want to hold your hand and put my arm around you and have people know what you mean to me. I just, I wasn’t prepared. I mean, I knew we’d have to sneak around and pretend, but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.”

God, he wanted everything from me, and I wanted to give it all to him, but I wasn’t sure I could.

“I know it’s not easy, but it’ll just be for a little while. I promise.”

“I hope so,” he said, and the doubt was there again.

In those three words, I could hear how much he wanted this thing between us to work. And I knew I wanted that too. Especially after the way I’d felt the second he stormed out of my dressing room.

I’d felt empty without his smiling, sunshiny warmth. Fuck, I wanted him so bad, and not just physically. And I
knew in that moment that I was going to be selfish about getting and keeping what I wanted. It was like a switch had flipped, and I was suddenly determined to fight like hell to be the kind of girlfriend he deserved, because I think I knew deep down, when I’d heard the conviction in his words, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

“Will you come back to my dressing room?” I asked when he didn’t say anything else.

He took a deep breath. “In a few minutes,” he said, sounding defeated. “I think I just want to walk around for a little bit, okay?”

My heart sa
nk. I could only imagine what he was thinking in that moment, and dread filled my gut. I wanted to tell him everything I’d suddenly realized, but I was surrounded by people.

“Please, Ry.”

He sighed. “I’ll head back that way,” he finally said. “I’m on the other side of the arena.”

“You are? How did you get over there so fast?”

He must have been walking the whole time we’d been on the phone.

“
Tell me it wasn’t a mistake to come here,” he asked then, not answering my question, and I think my heart stopped for a few beats. I hated that he thought that.

“
Of course it wasn’t,” I told him honestly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Just come back, Ry. Please,” I begged, because I didn’t want him to read into anything else from my words.

Right then
I couldn’t tell him how I felt and what I wanted, but before I went on stage, I was going to pull him aside and tell him. I owed him that much.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few
minutes,” he said.

I breathed
out a sigh of relief.

Chapter Sixteen

Ryder

I
was a fucking pussy! If Jake had been there he’d have kick my ass for acting the way I was, storming around backstage, slamming my hand against walls, kicking things, but I was so far gone over this girl that I had resorted to acting like a pathetic asshole, taking things completely over the top. I’d known Sydney was going to deny that we were together. I’d fucking known it, and I still hadn’t reacted well when she’d actually done it.

Hell, we’d literally just been making out. Her hands had been
up my shirt, on my bare skin, she was practically moaning into my mouth, her legs had been wrapped around me, pulling me as close to her as I could get without actually being inside her, and I knew she’d wanted more. Yet I’d still freaked out. What was wrong with me?

You’re in love, you moron.

I knew that’s what it was. I was so afraid that I wasn’t enough, that I wanted this more than she did, that she’d change her mind or she’d see that I was just an average guy, and she’d dump me. I was waiting for it to happen, expecting it, like it was inevitable. I didn’t even have the sense to see that she wanted me too, that we were right together.

Shit, I’d known her before all the bullshit parts of her job, and I was acting like we’d just met, like she was some famous pop star who I’d ogled from afar only to have had the fortunate chance to meet. But it had never been like that. I knew her first. I was her best friend. I knew things about her that no one else did, and that had to count for something.
I needed to get my head on straight before I did something I regretted.

“You okay, mate?”

I looked up to see Paul and the other guys from Star Finger standing near the entrance to the stage, ready to go on in a few minutes.

“I’m fine,” I said, not wanting to get into things with Paul. I still wasn’t sure
how I felt about him.

“You sure? You look rather
zonked.”

“Huh?”

“He means you look tired,” one of the other guys chimed in. I thought his name was Nick.

“Oh, right. Long day.”

“Everything alright with you and Syd?” Paul asked.

I shrugged. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

I didn’t really like him butting into my relationship with Syd, even though in his eyes we were just friends.

Paul smiled then. “Right. Well then, enjoy the show tonight. We’ll get the crowd good and warmed up for our girl.”

He winked at me before turning back to the guys, and I was glad they had to be on stage. I wasn’t interested in a long chat. Instead I did what I told Syd I was going to do and headed back to her dressing room. When I entered the room, she looked at me and smiled, and that smile got to me like it did every time she graced me with it. I was so far gone. I knew that until she told me to go, I’d never leave. I’d stay with her forever if she’d let me. She had all the power. The ball was completely in her court, and I was at her mercy. I just hoped she’d go easy on me. I knew my heart would take a serious beating if she didn’t.

* * *

Three hours later, I was buzzing with energy as the concert came to a close. I’d watched Syd through each song and dance, each ballad, each power-filled anthem, and she’d shined during every second of the show. The audience loved her, they cheered for more, and they chanted her name when they thought the show was over, only to realize that there were two more songs yet to be sung. When she was finally done with the encore, she and the band and all the dancers took a bow on stage, and then the curtain closed.

People shuffled
past me, so I sunk deeper into the space where I’d been hiding out of sight but close enough to the action that I could still see and hear everything. It really was the best seat in the house, aside from being front and center so I could look at Sydney’s face as she sung. But better than that, there was one part of the show where she sat at the piano and sung my favorite song,
Only With You
, the song I’d quoted back to her the weekend before.

I wondered if she knew how much it meant to me. I thought she just might when
she looked up a few times during the song and locked eyes with me. I knew then that no matter who she’d initially written it for, in that moment, it was completely for me.

It was such a departure to how I’d been feeling two hours earlier, but before she’d gone on-stage, Sydney had pulled me aside
.

“You okay?”
she asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I am. I’m sorry about earlier.”

We hadn’t talked when I’d gotten back to her dressing room, and things had been a little nuts as her team had finished getting her ready in time for the start of the show. But she’d lit up when I walked into the room, and then she’d stolen glances at me whenever she could. I could see that the tension that had been around her eyes before had dissipated. I wasn’t sure if it was because of our fight or something else, but it somehow brought me the relief I needed in that moment.

“You don’t have to apologize,” she said. Then she
wrapped her arms around me and moved her lips close to my ear. “I’m so glad you’re here, Ry. Don’t doubt that. And when I come off-stage tonight, I’m going to show you exactly how much I want you here. Trust me when I tell you I meant what I said last weekend.”

I wasn’t sure what part of last weekend she was referring to, but I decided it didn’t matter. I
let out a huge breath as I squeezed her back, relishing the feel of her body against mine and the comfort that closeness brought. I knew it was her way of easing my mind, of reassuring me after my chick-like meltdown. But just those few words allowed me to settle into the moment and push all of my doubts and fears to the back of my mind. She was there, standing in front of me, telling me she wanted me. And because of that, nothing else mattered.

And now as I waited for her to come off-stage, my heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come. She exited the s
tage last and practically flew into my arms. I squeezed her tight, feeling the heat from her skin and the slickness of her sweat-soaked body. She smelled so incredibly sexy that it was hard to not kiss her right then and there, but I knew that was off-limits, and I was trying to respect her wishes.

“What did you think?” she asked when she pulled back.

She was smiling and looking directly into my eyes. Then I really had to restrain myself from closing the distance between us, because she was looking at me like she wanted me to kiss her.

“You were
so incredible,” I told her honestly, and she hugged me again, her arms wrapping around my neck.

“Thank you, Ry.”

Damn
, when she squeezed me like that, and I could feel every inch of her body, I couldn’t help but feel a little light-headed. Especially since she was wearing an outfit that was similar in size to the one she wore for her opening number, but it was comprised of a white shimmery tank top that showed a strip of skin at her waist and little silver shorts. I had the urge to slide my hands down over the backside of those little shorts and just let them stay there for a while.

So freaking tempting. But too many people were around.
Instead I grabbed the black silk robe she’d worn from her dressing room to the stage before the show and wrapped it around her shoulders.

She pulled
back and rolled her eyes at me. “Not this again.”

I just gave her a look, and she shook her head with a cute little smirk on her face. We’d had this conversation already when she’d put on the black outfit in her dressing room before the show, and even though I knew that it was secure with enough double-sided tape to keep anything from going anywhere it wasn’t supposed to
go, I didn’t want people gawking at her as she made the trek from her dressing room to the stage. Because she looked hot as hell.

“Ryder,” she said, hands on her hips, “you know I was just wearing this in front of ten thousand people, right?”

“I know.”

“And do you also know that everyone back here has seen me wearing this after each show for the past month?”

She didn’t normally wear her robe from her dressing room to the stage, but she’d done it that night because I’d asked nicely.

“Yup.”

“And that they aren’t looking anyway, because they’re too busy working?”

I raised an eyebrow at  her. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

She shook her head and lowered her voice, sliding hear arms through the robe, ultimately giving in. “I swear, if you weren’t so cute.”

I smiled. “I get away with a lot because I’m cute
.”

She gave me a pointed look. “
You do. And you’re about to get away with a lot more.” Then she took my hand in hers. “Come on. Let’s go back to the hotel.”

Um, hell yes, please.

I was practically vibrating with excitement as I followed along behind her, willing my body to stay calm enough that it wouldn’t be obvious just how much I wanted to pull Sydney into an empty room and do all the things I’d thought about when I’d been kissing her in her dressing room hours before. I restrained myself, though, holding her hand to ground me.

As we walked
through the back of the arena, people we passed threw out congratulations and high-fives. Sydney was polite and engaged with them, but she didn’t slow our pace. It made me wonder how much she wanted to get me alone too.

When we got to her dressing room, she turned and faced me. “I need to get showered and changed. Do you mind waiting?”

I tried not to let my heart sink at the fact that she wasn’t inviting me into her dressing room, but I could understand since there were people everywhere, and if we got something started, I didn’t plan on stopping. If someone heard us or walked in on us, that would be bad news. But I was disappointed that I’d have to wait even longer for something I’d been dreaming about for years.

I took a deep breath and told myself to exercise patience. Then I smiled at Syd and put my hands on either side of her upper arms. “Take your time.”

She smiled back at me. “Thank you.”

Then she leaned up and kissed my cheek, letting her lips linger there for a few seconds. “Just so you know, it’s really hard to pull away
from you right now, but I’m forcing myself to walk in there alone.”

My smile got even wider. “Don’t take long,” I whispered to her in return.

“I won’t,” she promised, and then she opened the door and stepped into the room.

I leaned against the wall right outside her dressing room and watched everyone around me running around doing all the things that needed to be done after the show. It was a little crazy to say the least, but it sort of matched how I felt with my insides churning and excited. A part of me wanted to run and jump and yell just to release some of the pent up emotion I was feeling, but I knew that would just make me look like a giant douche.

“Alright
, Ryder?” I heard and looked up to see Paul walking toward me.

“Hey Paul,” I said, not sure I was up for chatting.

There was too much adrenaline and excitement buzzing through me to pretend that I was just casually standing outside Syd’s dressing room. I was sure Paul could see right through me to the internal war I was waging with myself where I was debating whether I should barge in there and surprise her in the shower, fuck the consequences.

Shit.
That was a visual I’d love to have – Sydney all naked and wet, her skin glistening and steam coming off of–

Crap
, I was starting to sprout wood, and how the hell was I supposed to explain that to Paul. Of course, he probably thought I was gay, because that’s what Syd had told everyone, and knowing that
he
was gay, he’d probably think my excitement was aimed toward him, and that was the last thing I needed. However, just thinking of that made my dick go limp, so that actually wasn’t so bad. Crisis averted.

“What are you and Sydney up to tonight?” he asked.

Having sex. Lots of sex for hours on end, I hope.

“Um,” I said, stalling for time. “We’ll probably just order room service and watch a movie or something.”

He nodded. “Or something,” he said coyly.

I cocked my head at him, wondering
again what he knew. Had she talked to him about us?

“I don’t
know what you’re talking about,” I said, playing dumb and pulling what I could remember about making a scene convincing from the Intro to Acting class I’d taken freshman year.

He gave me a look like he didn’t believe me.
“Ryder, Syd and I’ve talked a lot about you over the past few months,” he said, and I wasn’t sure whether or not to be irritated that she’d talked to him about me. I wondered what she’d said.

“Oh yeah?” I asked, aiming for vague.

Paul stuck his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, I’ve actually heard about you for ages, so I’m glad we finally got to meet. You know she initially wanted to set me up with you, but when I met you last weekend, I didn’t think that was going to be an option.”