Only Love (The Atonement Series) (2 page)

I pulled out my bag and packed the first one but that was as far as I got before the tears overwhelmed me and I began to sob like a baby. I didn’t want to end it like this and I wouldn’t leave that night. I had to see him to say goodbye. It was the only way. I wasn’t a coward and I wouldn’t become one at this point in my life either.

The plan was already hatched in my head and refused to leave me no matter how many different alternative situations entered my brain. I stashed my bag in the guest bedroom closet behind my clothes and that night when Colin came home, it was pleasantries all around. I never gave him not one hint anything was wrong with me, with us and how much our lives were about to change.

We talked a bit over an Evian for me (I wanted to keep a clear head) and a bottle of Beck’s for him. Then he wrapped his arms around my body and kissed me with an intensity that made me shake all over and I knew I wanted to make love to my fiancé just one last time before I left for good.

Our love making had always been exciting, intense, earth-shattering and soul shaking. I fell asleep in his arms though I woke up alone. He left before me in the mornings and I always stayed up for him to get home despite that meant I wasn’t getting nearly the amount of rest I needed. However, I did learn to powernap in the evenings, usually wedged between Pilates and dinner by myself.

The following morning shortly after breakfast, I decided to walk away from everything in my life. I called Liam at uConnect and complained of morning sickness; he informed me it would be more prudent for me to stay home and he would let the HR Manager know not to expect me. I was only in the first trimester of my pregnancy therefore it certainly wasn’t unheard of and it was quite easy to perpetuate the lie.

I finished packing but this time I didn’t cry at all. My whole body actually felt numb and the only thought I could contemplate were all of the different possibilities and exciting opportunities that existed in front of me. It was going to be a wonderful feeling not to live without any deception or secrets. I’d miss Colin, I really would, but it wasn’t enough to make me want to stay and that was an awful feeling to give in to and an even worse thought to admit.

I left a note on the table and my engagement ring beside it. Hopefully that was an action that could not be misconstrued as a simple break or perhaps “pause” of our relationship but what the hell did I know? I couldn’t even properly end my relationship with my first love, Drew. Instead, I’d used him for bootie calls when he was “in between” relationships and pawned him off on my cousin, Aubrey, when I’d finally had enough.

Great track record there in the “breaking up” department if I didn’t say so myself.

Of course this was a completely different situation. This wasn’t just a break up because Colin and I weren’t merely going out or dating, we were engaged. Or
had
been engaged and now we weren’t because I’d ended it and I didn’t even have the nerve to tell him to his face. I might as well have broken off our engagement by email because a hand-written letter couldn’t be too far above a text or a Post-It note.

It was easy to load up my vehicle with all the personal belongings I’d decided to take with me. Due to the pregnancy, Colin had upgraded me from a Smart Car to a 2013 Ford Edge Sport and I loved it. It only had two hundred miles on it and I knew it would easily make the drive I had in mind.

My biggest decision was how long should I wait after I left to contact Colin? He would know why I left but he would have more questions and I could wait a week to let him blow off some steam and hopefully he would be calm enough for us to have civil conversation. I had no illusions about staying gone forever but even now, I felt like I couldn’t breathe without going through heart palpitations that drove me around the bend. The anxiety attack had me clutching my chest every few moments as if that would clear my airway and allow more oxygen to get through. I couldn’t exactly pop a Xanax and count to ten to feel better; I had to actually
deal
with my problems and breathe through them.

This was how I felt when I loaded the last of my two roll-on suitcases and dumped them in the trunk. I turned off my Samsung Galaxy S III—my official phone—and turned on the black iPhone I’d purchased with a contract through T-Mobile. Colin had no idea about the account and therefore the phone would be completely untraceable when I called home to talk to Colin.

It was only love which had caused me to forgive him for his shocking revelation in the first place but love alone couldn’t keep us together and I innately knew that. I hated how cynical I’d become after the wonderful European trip we’d spent together but I realized it’d always been there.

I had lost myself for the moment when Colin and I were in Europe. However, once we came back to Seattle, real life came crashing in and like a coward, I found myself on the run yet again like a goddamn fugitive.

This time, the decision was less severe and I wouldn’t run as far but I planned to settle somewhere warm and near the beach. As I turned on to Interstate Five and knew it would take me all the way to my destination, I plugged in my iPod and pushed the shuffle button.

The first song to come on, ironically, was Rihanna’s “Man Down”. By the time I’d left the city limits, I’d also listened to Thirty Seconds to Mars’ “Attack”, Ellie Goulding’s “Hanging On”, Esmée Denters’ “Outta Here”, Pink’s “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)” and Maroon Five’s “Payphone”.

It helped pass the time and the miles however by the time I reached the border between Washington and Oregon, I wanted to hear one fun song as opposed to all these cynical “love gone wrong” songs that kept playing. I would have to put quite a bit of distance between Seattle, Colin and the life I had decided was better off without me before I would even think about changing the play list. Until then, I was stuck with my current one and a heart that felt like I’d never made a better decision in my life. I instinctively knew I was doing the right thing although that meant leaving everything and everyone I knew behind.

This was the way it should be and at this time, I needed to be alone and away from the heartache, away from Colin and on my own.

For now.

Chapter Two

Before I had decided to make my grand exit from Seattle and out of the lives of everyone I knew, I’d made provisions though at the time, I didn’t even know it. I’d purchased a two bedroom, two and a half bathroom beach side condo in my name and paid for the transaction in cash thanks to the money my father had left me in a Trust. No one knew about it, not even my sister or my mother, and I was very careful with how I dealt with the transaction.

Property in La Jolla wasn’t cheap and rivaled prices in Seattle but I looked at the place as an investment and I could always sell it since it belonged to me. The place was stocked with furniture from IKEA and I’d had a handyman assemble it all, including the furniture for the second room which would eventually belong to the baby. I hadn’t bothered with any sort of baby furniture because I wasn’t sure whether it was a boy or a girl and to be honest, I didn’t know how much it had sunk in that I was actually pregnant and less than seven months from now, a new human being would join me in the world I’d created for us.

On a whim, I purchased a small coffee shop downtown La Jolla from an owner who was underwater and merely wanted to free herself from her losses. It was difficult to actually control employees when I wasn’t in the same city therefore I’d kept the owner on as a salaried employee to manage the workers. I wasn’t looking to get rich but I did want a business of my own where I could call the shots and knew it was mine whether it was successful or not.

Ground Beans was perfect and extremely bohemian with a chic atmosphere and enough baristas that I didn’t have to worry about hiring. I installed wifi and advertised as such along with a few comfy chairs, tables perfect for computer use and comfortable sofas. The menu was diverse enough with muffins, scones, cookies, brownies, sandwiches and Paninis that I could have flexible operating hours of six in the morning to eight in the evening.

There was also a drive-thru which made it possible for us to compete with Starbucks which was only two blocks away.

The first morning I was able to introduce myself to the staff was a whole week after I’d arrived in La Jolla because I needed the time just to recover from the drive. The owner placed her resignation after she showed me the ropes and after that, I proceeded to run a business that was fun and very much me because I loved working with people and owning Ground Beans fit my personality.

My hours were long and arduous; by the end of the day, I was so tired, I could barely park my car in the garage and drag myself to my condo. This continued for several days before I finally called Liam and officially gave my resignation from uConnect.

“What the hell is going on, Deirdre? Where the hell are you? Colin is sick with worry,” he responded with genuine concern in his voice.

“I am somewhere safe—that’s all you need to know,” I responded before I collapsed on the sofa in exhaustion.

Liam clicked his tongue. “That’s not good enough. Tell me why you have felt the need to leave at all if everything between Colin and you is so peachy keen in the first place? He told me you’d forgiven him and now comes the disappearing act. What the hell is this about, Deidre, and just who the hell do you think you’re playing?”

I stood again and began to pace if only to steady my nerves despite my aching feet. “Liam, I need time to myself. I forgave him but that doesn’t mean I have undergone a goddamn lobotomy. I know what you two did to my father and it doesn’t exactly fill me with elation the man I love had something to do with the death of a man who meant
everything
to me. Call it a delayed reaction but everything is hitting me at once and it doesn’t help I’m pregnant. Everything—my emotions and my feelings—is magnified and I’m sorry I can’t be my usual calm self but I felt like I was under water and I couldn’t breathe.”

“Sounds like the usual female problems to me but running away is something you do when you are nineteen. It isn’t the actions of a grown woman. You need to come back here and tell Colin how you are feeling. He isn’t going to take it easier just because it is coming from me,” Liam explained in a pragmatic manner.

“I don’t expect you to tell him. I will call him myself.” The doorbell rang and I sighed softly to myself. “Listen, I have to go.”

“When do you plan to call Colin if I may ask because you do understand you need to speak to him as soon as possible? Deirdre, this isn’t a game—”

“When ever I get good and goddamn ready,” I replied before I ended the call.

I set the iPhone on the coffee table and rushed to the front door. There are times when one shouldn’t answer their door and I soon felt like this was one of those times when I swung open the door and faced one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen.

Hair the color of chocolate with burnished blond-auburn highlights and pale greenish blue eyes faced me in a face of absolute perfection. His looks were finished off with perfect features featuring a Roman-shaped nose, high cheekbones and sensually full lips; a creamy complexion with just a hint of color and a build that was tall though far from imposing. At approximately six feet, three inches and a slim one hundred and eighty pounds, everything about him was just perfect.

“Hey,” I greeted feeling like a bit of an idiot.

I had absolutely no idea who the hell this man was nor what he was doing on my doorstep.

“Hello,” he began before a pink tongue slid over those perfect soft lips. “I’m your next-door neighbor. Name’s Drake…I am a chef at Rouge, an upscale restaurant on the beach and I am trying out a new recipe. I know it’s a terrible cliché but do you have any Sugar in the Raw? The recipe calls for it and I could have sworn I picked some up but I can’t find it.”