One Day Soon (54 page)

I left her with a promise to meet her later.

Underneath the Seventh Street Bridge.

I meant to keep it.
Then.

I went to get the things I thought we’d need. I left her to tell the others our plans. I didn’t want to disappear without letting them know where we were going. Not after losing Bug.

I wasn’t gone long.

But long enough for Manny to find me.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he grinned and then gave me an offer. One last job. More money than I had ever seen before.

And I thought,
For Imogen.

Even though I knew she would hate what I was going to do. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to feed and clothe her.

I would change. After
this.

But she saw me.

At my worst.

During my darkest hour.

She ran away from me and I had let her.

I don’t know why I didn’t chase her. I still wanted
our life.
I’d cling to it with bloody, broken fingers.

Afterwards as I walked towards the bridge, I was sore.

I could still smell the man on my clothes. I could taste him in my mouth.

I felt sick.

I had to stop several times to throw up. Not that I had much in my stomach anyway. The bile had burned my throat and I had a hard time breathing. I felt dirty in ways that water would never be able to clean.

I thought of Imogen waiting for me. Of what she would see when I showed up. The bruises. The blood. I felt so much shame.

I knew of no other way to make a life for her than to do things that she could never forgive. I didn’t know how to be any other way.

Bug’s brother’s words rang in my ears.
“If you were really his friends you would have told him to go home.”

I had failed Bug. I thought I was taking care of him. But in the end none of that had mattered because the life we lived killed him. We would always be in danger. Living on the streets. Doing things to make money that put our souls and hearts at risk.

She was vulnerable. I tried to keep her safe, just as I had with Bug, but I
knew
it would never be enough.

The image of her face only hours before, watching me in that fucking alley, on my goddamned knees would haunt me for the rest of my life.

She looked shocked. Betrayed.

Disgusted.

I disgusted her.

I could never reconcile myself with the man who let the love of his life see him at his lowest. At rock bottom with no hope of climbing back up.

Even if the reasons felt sound at the time. I could justify making the choices that I did so easily. And that is what terrified me.

Imi deserved better than that.

Than
justification.

She needed to go home.

“Don’t live a life that will kill you one day. You deserve better than that.”

Bug’s brother was right. Imogen needed much more than I could give her.

She needed to go back and find a life off the streets. Away from me.

I saw her running away from me over and over again in my head. On an endless loop.

I didn’t follow her. Maybe I should have. But I didn’t.

She ran but I knew she’d still wait for me. No matter how horrified she had been, her love held her prisoner. It was up to me to set her free.

Even if it broke my heart to do it, I’d walk away from her.

So I watched her waiting underneath the bridge and I saw the moment when she realized I wasn’t coming. I felt her grief. It washed over me like the rain that fell from the sky.

Our pain was the same.

We shared everything.

Our happiness.

Our hope.

And our gut-wrenching despair.

I followed her as she slowly made her way to a small house with the unkempt yard on the other side of town. I watched her go inside and she didn’t come back out again.

She had gone home.

Just as I had wanted her to.

So why did I feel like screaming?

I stayed there all night. And the night after that. And the night after that.

I became an observer of her life.

I was okay with that. At least I could have something of her that was just mine.

I should have left town. If I thought things were miserable before, it was nothing compared to what it was like after I had lost her.

But I would never be able to leave as long as Imogen was here.

We were tied together. She was inescapable.

She had no idea that I was there for her high school graduation. I stood in the very back, unobserved. Her mother had been there, I was glad to see that. Imi looked so beautiful as she walked across the stage and accepted her diploma. Even if her eyes had been a little sad, her smile was genuine.

I was there the day she left for college. I had tried to breathe around the lump in my throat as I watched her load up a beat up Toyota with boxes and suitcases. I stood on the sidewalk until she drove from sight.

I could have left then; content in the knowledge that she was out there, living the life I wanted for her.

But I couldn’t leave the last place we had been together. I was a sentimental schmuck.

So I was still there the day she came back and settled.

I saw she and her mother unloading boxes and taking them inside. For just a brief moment I contemplated going to her. Telling her I was still there. That I’d always been there.

She had gone inside her mother’s home and I watched the older woman come back out and head to the car.

I stepped out of the shadows and walked slowly towards the house, not sure what I was going to say.

Her mother stopped and looked at me. “Can I help you?”

“I—” I looked up towards the house, wishing Imogen would come outside. I was desperate to see her. I was tired of staying away.

“Are you looking for Imi?” her mother asked, still watching me.

“How is she?” I asked, choking on a question I had no right to ask.

Her mother’s expression was hesitant. “She’s good. Really good. Just graduated from college. Got a job at the hospital in town.”

I smiled. I felt good again.

She frowned. “Are you a friend of Imi’s? I can go get her—”

“No. We’re not friends. I just remember her from a long time ago.” Lies. Careful and important. “Don’t mention I was here. She won’t remember me anyway.”

“Okay. Well, take care,” her mother said, dismissing me. Already forgetting I was there.

And it was just as well.

I slid back into the shadows of Imi’s life. I had to be content there.

Watching.

Reminding myself that she was better off without me.

That my decision to leave her was the right one.

I was there on her first day of work. Smiling and wearing a soft pink blouse and grey skirt.

I watched when she moved into her own place.

And the day she got married.

She wore a floor length sleeveless gown and carried daisies. Her hair was down and I noticed she still wore the necklace I had given her. She carried a piece of me, of our life together, even as she said vows to another man.

I also saw the day the asshole left her. I noticed she didn’t cry. Not one tear. And that made me incredibly glad. Because my selfish heart was reassured that she had never really belonged to anyone else.

I saw it all.

And she never knew that in all those years, my soul was always, forever hers.

As my days dwindled into nothing, she was my constant.

She had no idea that everything I was would always revolve around her.

That when things were at their bleakest, she had
always been
, would
always be
, my happy life.

Three years later

“A
nd the prince got down on one knee and asked the princess to marry him. When she looked at him she remembered the boy who had taken care of her and kept her safe in a world of many dangers. He made her happier than she ever thought she could possibly be.”

“And she said, yes!” the tiny, impatient voice cut in excitedly.

“Well, let me finish, Ava. You’re the one that wanted to hear this story again.” I pulled the little girl up into my lap. She squealed as the waves came up and washed over our feet. The sun was starting to set but we weren’t in a rush to leave the beach.

Not just yet.

Ava loved the beach so we came as often as we could.

“Because it’s my favorite. Even if the boy is silly for running away from the girl, he found her again and they lived happily ever after,” Ava burst out, a bright smile on her pretty face.

I kissed my adopted daughter’s dark brown curls. “Do you want to finish it?” I asked her and she shook her head.

“No, you tell it the best.”

“Okay, well the handsome prince with the dark hair and green eyes took the princess’s hand and kissed it and she knew that they would have their happy life. That everything they had always wanted would be theirs. So she said yes. It was the perfect answer for the start of a perfect life.” Ava wiggled, wanting to get up and play in the sand.

She plopped down beside me, scooping up a handful and dropping it in front of her.

“I love that story. It’s my favorite. It’s really sad in the beginning when the princess runs away from home, but the prince finds her and takes care of her even though he’s disguised as a beggar. And they fall in love and everything!” I handed Ava the shovel and watched as she dug a hole in the sand, which was quickly filling up with the rising tide.

“But the ending’s the best. Because they live happily ever after. All good stories end with a happily ever after,” Ava said with a silly smile on her face.

“Tell it again!” she pleaded and I laughed, never able to deny anything to the six year old that had healed the last wound on my scarred heart.

“Should I tell a different one this time?” I asked her, wiggling my toes in the sand.

“As long as it’s about Yoss and Imi. That’s your name too, Mommy,” Ava announced with the brightest of bright smiles.

“You like the stories about Yoss and Imi, don’t you?”

Ava nodded emphatically. “Are they about you?”

I leaned down and scooped her up in my arms, loving the way she giggled. I nuzzled her sweet smelling hair before setting her back on her feet. I settled down beside her again and I told her stories that made her happy. That made me happy.

That allowed us to envision a perfect world where Yoss and Imi were always happy. Always together.

I told her the words by rote. A story of two people who fought a lifetime of hardship to be together.

In this story there was no heartache. No well-intentioned dishonesty. No tears that never seemed to stop.

But there was the villain. Every good story had one.

“Oh, I hate Manny. He’s the evilest wizard ever! And he’s so mean to Yoss and Imi. Always making Yoss go off and fight the mean dragon. But Imi saves him, doesn’t she? She’s the hero.”

“I don’t know if she’s the hero, but she’d do whatever she could to save the boy she loved. Because true love never dies, Ava. Never ever.”

I stared out at the rolling ocean and could hardly believe I was finally here. It was just about perfect.

Except for that one thing that was missing.

“Yoss defeats Manny though and he rides off with Imi on his white unicorn!” Ava exclaimed enthusiastically tossing a handful of wet sand into the air. It landed on her head and she laughed and laughed.

“That’s right, sweetheart. They rode off into the sunset.”

Into the sunset.

Always together.

Ava ran towards me and wrapped her tiny arms around my waist. She looked up at me with the adoration of a child. One that had seen too much in her short life but knew that now, she was safe.