One Day Soon (47 page)

“You really believe that?” he asked, rolling his hips gently as I arched up to meet him. My belly fluttered madly and every part of me was on fire.

“I believe in
us,”
I declared and then we weren’t talking anymore.

“I want to see you.” Yoss reached over and turned on the bedside lamp.

The light was harsh and I had to close my eyes for a moment. When I opened them again I found Yoss staring down at me with something like wonder on his face. Something like joy.

Something like out of control panic.

I was almost completely naked underneath him. He was between my thighs and the only thing separating us were thin strips of fabric. He wanted me. I could feel it.

It scared me. I was a virgin after all. I had enough friends tell me that the first time hurt.

But I knew that the only person I wanted to share this part of me with was Yoss. He owned my heart. I wanted him to have my body as well.

He didn’t seem so sure though.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” Even as he said the words, he ran his hand up my stomach, inch by inch until he was cupping my breast. I moaned, leaning into his palm.

“It’s the best idea we ever had,” I argued, wiggling against him, loving the friction between us.

“The things I’ve done, Imi—”

I quickly sat up, his hand dropping from my body. I leaned up on my knees until we were nose to nose. His eyes were bright. Too bright. I saw the love he felt for me.

But I also saw the shame.

And that I couldn’t tolerate. Not for a moment.

“I don’t care what you’ve done
before.
I love you. That’s not conditional. I don’t agree with the things you’ve done, but I also know you were desperate and doing what you had to do to stay alive.” I framed his face with my hands. “Just promise me you won’t do it again. That you’ll find another way. Because once we share this, I don’t want you to be with anyone else. No matter the reason.”

Yoss looked conflicted. “I hate the things I’ve had to do. But if it puts food in your stomach—”

“Then I’ll gladly starve!” I declared emphatically. “And I’ll smile because I know you won’t be giving
them
what belongs to me.” I kissed him harshly. Brutally. Teeth clanging together. Tongues tangled. I pulled away and we were both panting. “What belongs to
you.”

I stared into his eyes, never looking away. “Promise me, Yoss! Promise you won’t give this away to anyone else. That you won’t let anyone else touch you.”

“I promise,” he whispered, closing his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks creating long, painful trails. “I’d give you whatever you asked for. I want to remember what it feels like not to be ashamed. Not to feel sick inside. To be able to love without guilt and regret.
”

I brushed the hair back from his face. “I’ll help you. That’s my promise to you.”

Then we were kissing. And touching.

The last of our clothes were discarded and we were finally skin to skin. Yoss paused, positioned between my legs. I felt him in the most sensitive, intimate places. But we weren’t close enough. Not nearly enough.

“Wait, Imogen. We can’t yet,” Yoss rasped, and I wanted to scream with frustration.

I had been waiting so long to be like this with him. I felt like he was throwing obstacle after obstacle up to stop us.

“If you don’t want to…if I’m not…I mean, I don’t want to make you…” I stuttered and tripped over my words, feeling the crushing sense of rejection.

I tried to wiggle out from underneath him wanting to curl into a ball and hide. Yoss held me still, refusing to let me move.

“It’s not what you’re thinking,” he said firmly. “I want to be inside of you. Nothing will stop me from feeling you everywhere.”

I flushed at his words. “Then what’s the problem?”

“I can’t…I mean, we can’t…” Yoss looked away, suddenly shy. “We need protection. I won’t put you at risk. I don’t know if I’m…if I have anything. I love you. I want to be with you. But I won’t risk your health,” he let out in a rush.

Protection.

Where the hell were we going to get that?

“Oh. Okay. Well, that makes sense,” I said, trying to hide my disappointment.

“I have condoms. In my wallet. I always have them,” Yoss explained. He didn’t need to say why he had to be prepared.

Don’t think about that!
I screamed at myself.

Not now. Not when we’re like
this!

Yoss crawled off the bed and dug into the pocket of his jeans, retrieving his wallet.

I felt completely exposed, lying naked on the bed. I awkwardly covered up with the blanket, trying not to stare as he tore open the foil packet and rolled the condom on.

I was fascinated, even if I felt a little pervy for ogling him.

When he was finished, he came back to the bed, giving me a soft, sweet smile. He saw that I was completely wrapped in the blanket and raised an eyebrow.

“Are you cold?”

I shook my head. “I feel a little like a turkey waiting to be eaten on Thanksgiving.” I laughed nervously.

Yoss chuckled and slipped under the covers with me. I could feel his latex covered erection against my belly and my throat went dry.

“Are you okay? If you don’t want to—” Yoss started, but I cut him off. With a kiss.

“Does that answer your question?” I asked.

“Yeah. I think so.” His voice broke slightly and he let out a long, pent up breath.

“Are
you
okay?” We were asking each other that question a lot. I didn’t know sex required so much
talking.

“I’m not a virgin, Imi. You know that,” he began. This wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. Not now.

“But I feel like I am.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me flush against him. “Because this is the first time it will mean something. For the first time, I’ll feel it
here.”
He placed my hand over his heart. He smiled. “So I’m nervous. Really nervous,” he admitted.

“Me too,” I whispered.

Yoss kissed me again and this time he didn’t stop.

Hands. Tongues. Lips.

They were everywhere.

He entered me slowly. Achingly so. It hurt. A lot.

But the pain was secondary to the incredible closeness I felt when he pushed inside me.

It was a feeling I’d never forget.

Ever.

“Imi. I love you. God I love you,” he groaned into my mouth as we started to move together. His tears fell on my face, mingling with my own.

We sobbed.

We laughed.

We promised.

We fell apart.

And when it was over I knew that neither of us would ever be the same.

I loved him with the foolish loyalty of a naïve heart. Every piece of me belonged to the lost, lonely boy who had saved me. He held on and I would never let go.

Because I knew that when I gave him my heart, he’d never give it back.

“Let’s leave. Today. Somewhere new. Far away from here,” I said afterwards. Yoss’s fingers trailed lazily up and down my back. Sweat cooled on fevered skin.

He kissed the top of my head that was tucked comfortably underneath his chin.

“Where will we go?” he asked, sounding tired.

“The beach. Remember our story?” I rolled onto my stomach, propping myself up so that I could look at him.

Yoss grinned. “Yeah, I remember it. Can I try telling it this time?”

“Only if you get it right,” I teased.

Yoss sat up, leaning against the headboard. He pulled me along with him so that I was settled against his chest. “Once upon a time there was a girl from a happy family. She was loved and adored and never wanted for anything. She spent her days surrounded by friends and family. She smiled all the time, never having a reason to cry.”

“So far so good,” I interjected.

“Shh, let me finish,” Yoss chastised gently, giving me a squeeze. “Then one day she met a boy who was just as happy. And together they realized how wonderful life could be. He wanted to take care of her. She wanted to stay by his side.”

I loved the sound of his contentment. His hope.

“The girl had never been to the beach.”

“Neither had the boy,” I added, just as I was supposed to.

Yoss ran his hand through my hair. “Nope, neither had the boy. So they decided to run away to the shore. Where they could dip their toes in the water and walk on the sand. Because everything was always better when they were together.”

“Is that our plan? To live our story? Go to the beach and walk on the sand?” I asked him, barely able to contain the gleeful anticipation that bubbled up inside me.

“That’s our plan,” Yoss agreed.

I sat up and turned to him. “Promise?”

He nodded.

I let out a squeal and launched myself at him, kissing every inch of his face. I straddled him and only when he moaned did the laughter stop.

It wasn’t until later that I realized he had never given me the words.

His promise had remained silent.

Present

I
didn’t want to go to work, but I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. Even if all I wanted to do was stay in bed with Yoss curled up around me.

He was still sleeping when I quietly got out of bed the next morning. We had slept together. And it had been more intimate than sex could ever be. I woke up several times. Not because of Yoss’s nightmares, which there were none, but because, even in my sleep, I had to remind myself that this was
real.

I got out of bed and grabbed my clothes as quickly as possible. I got ready in the hall bathroom so as to not wake him.

When I came back into the bedroom a while later, Yoss wasn’t in bed. I heard the sound of retching coming from my bathroom.

I gently knocked on the door and waited. I could hear water running in the sink. “Yeah?” his muffled response finally came.

“Is everything okay?” I asked. The door opened and Yoss came out. His skin was much more jaundiced than it had been yesterday and I could smell the acrid scent of vomit in the air.

“You were sick,” I stated, not asked.

Yoss closed the bathroom door behind him quickly. “I think it was something I ate,” he excused.

“You didn’t really eat anything last night,” I pointed out. In fact I couldn’t remember him eating anything. We had been too busy with other things.

“Please don’t worry, Imogen.” Yoss ran his hand down my arm and squeezed my fingers lightly. “Don’t you need to get to work?”

We walked to the kitchen and I turned on the coffee maker. I noticed Yoss was leaning heavily against the counter as though he couldn’t stay upright.

“Why don’t you come with me to the hospital. You need to see Dr. Howell. Nausea isn’t something we should brush off. You’re due for another round of blood tests anyway,” I remarked worriedly.

Yoss forced himself upright. “Who should I see?” he asked, frowning, seeming confused.

A lump formed in my throat.

“Dr. Howell. Your physician. Remember the guy with the glasses and bushy, white hair?” He seemed to be having a hard time remembering.

This was bad.

Very, very bad.

“Dr. Howell,” he repeated, gnawing on his bottom lip.

I nodded. “Yes, Dr. Howell,” I replied calmly, even if I felt anything but calm.

“My blood work is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I’ll bring it all up with him then. I’m just a little tired this morning, that’s all. We were up pretty late.” Yoss gave me a tired grin.

“You were throwing up,” I pushed. “And you can barely stand up straight.”

Yoss straightened his back and held out his hands. “See. I’m fine. No limping or excruciating agony.” He poured some coffee into a mug and held it out for me. “You can’t miss work. I thought I’d head over to see my old boss. Sweet talk him a little bit before I hit him up for some work.” He slowly crossed the room and I watched his every movement like a hawk. Was he stumbling? Did he wince in pain?