(Once) Again (8 page)

“Mom, I’m fine,” I said for the five hundredth time. I’d finally gotten my sister to go back to her apartment, and now I had Mom, who was ten times worse. If only there was a way to ship her off to Liz’s apartment too, maybe I’d get a little peace and quiet.

Then again, technically, I was the one intruding. She’d finally gotten rid of both her kids, and then I came back and took up residency, eating her out of her house and home. But I couldn’t go back to the dorms. Not yet.

Maybe not ever.

“Don’t you lie to me,” Mom said with her ultimate Mom face on.

“I’m not.”

She placed her hands on her hips just like she did when I got caught drinking junior year of high school. “Says the boy who fell out of bed. Again.”

“I told you, it was nothing.”

“Maybe you should see someone. Sadie’s mom’s office isn’t too far. There’s n—”

“I don’t need a shrink.” Especially not the mother of my sister’s best friend.

“Josh, sweetie, there is nothing wrong with talking to someone.”

“I know there isn’t. I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I?”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mean to pester.”

I glanced up and cocked my eyebrow. That was the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. Mom lived to pester. It was in her blood.

“I’m just worried about you.” Tears filled her eyes and I wanted to hit the rewind button on my life and go back to the day of the shooting. I wouldn’t have gone into the Kramer Science Building. I wouldn’t have been anywhere near that damn campus.

I wanted my life back, and not standing still in that building. Still stuck on that day. A constant rerun of the most graphic horror flick I had ever seen. Except I didn’t watch it on a TV or on a theater screen. I watched it unfold in front of me, over and over on a continuous loop. I felt the blood running down my leg and the dizzy spells that were trying to overtake me. A constant reminder that the horror would never be over.

I could talk about it until I turned blue, but it wouldn’t change the fact that seventeen people would still be injured and six people would still be dead. I’d still have had a front row seat to the bloodbath. Talking wouldn’t bring Nia back. It wouldn’t erase the horrifying visions. So really, what was the point?

“I know. But trust me, Mom. I’m fine. Promise.” Lying was easier than the truth. I was far from fine, but there was nothing anyone could do. I only hoped eventually that unbearable day would fade into my memory and lock itself away for good.

“If you say so.” She walked around the kitchen island and kissed the top of my head. “But please. If you ever don’t feel fine, promise me you’ll see someone.”

“Promise,” I said, but in my mind, my fingers were crossed like a bratty five-year-old.

“I have to head to work. Do you need me to take care of your bandage first? Cook you breakfast?”

I took a sip of my orange juice. “Kat will be here soon.”

Mom eyed me funny and then her hands landed right back on her hips. “She is your aide, Joshua Adam. You better not be sleeping with her.”

The orange juice caught in my throat and I started to choke. I gulped it down and proceeded to cough my face off. “Mom! Really?”

“I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. I saw that look.” Her finger spiraled towards my eyes. “I’m not blind or dumb.”

“I never said you were.”

Mom let out a huge breath. “She’s a nice girl.”

“Are you trying to tell me she’s too good for me? Geez, if I ever let my ego get out of control I know where to go.”

“I’m just saying she’s not like the other girls you’ve dated, that’s all. I think any girl would be lucky to have you, if you were willing to be devoted to her. But we both know, based on your track record, that’s not going to happen any time soon. So please just keep it in your pants.”

“Mom!”
I swore my ears were bleeding. My hands shot up and covered them, hoping if any blood poured out I could hold it in.

I knew I had a reputation, but to hear my mom actually acknowledge it in more than just a passing comment—well, she might as well have walked in on me on top of a girl.

I dropped my hands from my ears and took another swig of my juice.

“I’m not a prude, Joshua.”

Orange juice shot up my nose, and I pushed the glass away. Trying to drink during this conversation could be lethal.

“We’re both adults here, and I just don’t want you taking advantage of the poor girl.”

“I don’t need you to tell me how to treat Kat. Like you, I’m not blind or dumb. I know a good thing when I see one.”

“You slept with her already didn’t you?”

Heat rushed into my cheeks. Just like my sister, I was blessed with the inability to lie. While her lip twitched, my cheeks turned redder than the stitching on a baseball.

“Did you really just ask me that?”

“You did! Didn’t you? Your cheeks are lighting up like a Christmas tree.”

Damn cheeks. There was no getting out of it, and holy shit, talk about an awkward conversation. There were things in life I never wanted to experience, and talking about sex with my mother was high on that list.

It was bad enough when my dad gave me the talk in high school. He mumbled a few things, patted me on the back and left me with a box of condoms. It takes a lot to get me embarrassed, but I nearly jumped out of my second floor window to avoid that one.

There was no point in lying to her. Mom had that determined look in her eyes, and once it settled in, there was no escaping.

“We had a thing the summer before college.”

Mom sat down in the seat across from me and placed her elbow on the island. “What happened?” And I suddenly felt like I was being interrogated by Oprah.

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Where’s my little boy who wanted to talk about everything?”

Good question. I had no idea where he was. No idea if he would ever return. Too many things had happened. Too many things I didn’t want to discuss. Once upon a time, talking was one of my favorite things to do, because I always had something positive to say. But life wasn’t my friend as of late, and there was nothing I wanted to share. Why drag the rest of the world down with me?

Besides talking about Kat, sharing the details of our relationship and where it all went wrong wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun conversation. It was over. There wasn’t much else to say.

I shrugged, ready to call the game, but when Mom’s hand rested on my shoulder, it was obvious we were going into extra innings. The words poured out of me.

“We spent that entire summer together and nobody knew. I wanted it that way. I kept her a secret.”

I continued, telling Mom about how I never brought Kat to any parties. How I pretended she didn’t exist when I was with my friends. How I still flirted with other girls to keep up the façade. “I was willing to give up Springfield to be with her.” I shrugged. “She never asked me to stay though.”

“I see,” Mom said when I finished.

I waited for her to say something else. Anything. I’d just bared my freaking soul and all she was going to give me was an “I see”? It must have been bad. Her perception of me for the past twenty years was completely changed in a matter of minutes.

“I guess that says it all,” I said, wishing I would’ve kept my mouth shut. Liz always told me if I killed someone, Mom would help me hide the body. I never disagreed because she was right. Mom never saw any bad in me. But hearing the story of me and Kat, the way I royally effed that up—I’d tainted her perfect son.

“No. Josh, I’m sorry. I was just taken by surprise, that’s all.”

“I’m a terrible person. I know.”

“Absolutely not. You can’t fault yourself for falling in love.”

“But the way I went about it . . . ”

“By the sound of it, she wanted to keep you two a secret too. It was a decision made by the both of you. Besides, you were willing to give up Springfield for her and go to a local school. I think that is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Possibly the stupidest, since Springfield is an amazing school, and I probably would’ve given you hell for it, but the intention was there and I’m sure Kat recognized that.”

“She still didn’t ask me to stay.”

“Why didn’t you ask her?”

“She knew how I felt. She knew I’d give it all up. She just had to say the words. Ultimately, it was her choice.”

“Then I’m sure there was a reason. A valid one.”

“But she won’t tell me. I try to talk to her, and she makes it impossible. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?”

Mom cocked her eyebrow. “As a matter of fact, I do. Seems a stubborn child of mine does the exact same thing, but I’m happy you were able to share this with me. I know there will be things you can’t tell me, and I get that, I do, but just know I’m always here whenever you need me.”

Mom didn’t have to say it. No matter what I was going through, she was always there. My family was the one thing I could always count on.

“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

She walked over and wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me tight against her. “I love you too.” She kissed the top of my head then messed with my hair. “I have to head to work. Kat should be here soon. If you can’t talk to us about the shooting, maybe you can talk to Kat. Just a thought.”

There was a knock at the door and it eased open. Kat walked into the kitchen dressed in Betty Boop scrubs with her hair tossed up in a messy bun. But her eyes looked off—red around the edges, like she hadn’t slept in days. The adorable freckles she loved to cover up were makeup free.

Mom glanced between the two of us. “Hi Kat,” she said, a little too enthusiastically. “It’s so good to see you. I’m heading out now. Have fun you crazy kids . . . but not too much fun.” She pointed her finger at me, grabbed her bag, and headed out the door, giving Kat a wink.

“What was that about?” Kat asked, watching Mom walk away.

“She thought we were sleeping together.”

Kat’s mouth fell open, eyes frozen in shock.

I laughed, unable to control my amusement. “Don’t worry, Kit Kat. I told her not anymore.”

“You told your mom about us?! Are you out of your freaking mind? I could lose my job if word got out!” She paced back and forth, running her hand through her reddish-blond hair.

“Calm down. It was before you were my aide, and besides, even if we were sleeping together now, my mom wouldn’t report you. For fuck’s sake, give her a little more credit than that.”

“Credit? My job is on the line here. Not to mention you told your mother we slept together. That is not something I want broadcasted for the world to hear.”

“Why? Are you ashamed of me?”

Kat’s mouth snapped shut. Her eyes bored into mine, and I waited for her to attack me with more words, but her phone rang. She took it out of her pocket, silenced it and shoved it back.

“Lover boy?” I asked and her eyes narrowed.

“Don’t try to change the subject.”

“You do it all the time.”

Her phone rang again and just like before, she silenced it and shoved it back into her pocket. “Some days I hate you.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong here.”

“You told your mother, of all people, that we’ve slept together. That’s wrong on so many levels.”

“What I don’t get is whether you’re mad at me for
telling
my mom we slept together or the fact that we
actually
slept together.”

Anger turned to annoyance. “Really Josh? That’s a stupid thing to say.”

“Is it?”

Her phone rang again.

“Damn it!” She took it out and silenced it, but this time turned it off and tossed it on the counter. Tension pulled tight across her face, and she pushed the palm of her hand into her eye as if to rub some of it away. Who the hell kept calling? And why was she avoiding their call? Did it have something to with why she looked so shot?

I expected her to use it as an out to the conversation, but apparently she’d rather fight with me than talk to whoever was on the other end of that phone.

Her hand dropped and blue eyes glanced up at me. She let out a shaky breath. “I’m not mad we slept together. Not at all. I’m sorry for freaking out. I just . . . I can’t lose my job.”

I stood up from the stool and used the counter as leverage to move closer to her. She gasped at the sight of me not using my crutches and walking more than a few steps.

Other than that day at physical therapy, I hadn’t walked solo again.

“You’re walking.”

“Trying to, at least,” I said through clenched teeth as pain shot up my thigh. I reached her and placed my hand on her shoulder.

“You won’t lose your job. Promise.”

“I’m sorry,” she breathed. “It’s been a rough day.”

“Want to talk about it?” I wanted to wash away whatever was causing her unease. Make it better. Easier. I had every suspicion it had something to do with the person calling.

She gave me a halfhearted smile. “Not really.”

It took a while to sink in, but now I officially knew how my family felt when I blew them off. It sucked. I had no idea what was going on in that gorgeous head of hers and because of that, there was nothing I could do.

So many times I’d wanted to erase all the shit she was dealing with, but the harder I tried to ease her burdens and alleviate her fears, the more I realized I was just providing her a temporary solution.

I took her hand in mine. Her breath hitched and she locked eyes with me. I slid the ring up her finger, revealing her tattoo.

“It gave you strength once,” I said and ran my finger over the curves of the black line.

***

The sun was shining brightly and the line to the water slide was out of control. At the rate it was going, I’d be lucky if I got to sneak in one makeout session with Kat behind the Blue Lagoon.

My eyes glanced in her direction, and I watched as she rested her chin on her hand. Even from far away I could tell there was something bothering her. The happy daydream face she always got when she looked off into the distance was clouded over.

“Cross your arms over your chest,” I said to the next kid who took his position on the slide. “And wait for my signal.”

I waited for the okay from below and went back to watching Kat. A mother and child walked up to the cotton candy booth and she gave a smile, but it was forced.

“All clear.” I heard on the radio.

“And go!” I said to the kid and he took off.

I held my hand up to the next kid, my eyes stuck on Kat. She handed off the cotton candy to the mother and as soon as they walked away, her head fell into her hands. A few seconds later she ran out the door.

“Chris, man my station!” I yelled to the line organizer.

“All clear.” Came across the radio and I jumped on the slide and flung myself down, arms crossed over my chest, legs crossed at the ankles.

As soon as I hit the pool, I went down and shot right back up, swimming to the stairs as if a shark were about to bite my ass.

“Josh, where the hell are you going?” the pool lifeguard yelled to me.

I didn’t answer. I had a crying girl to find. I reached the stairs and pulled myself up. Water weighed my shorts down, but I twisted them, squeezing the moisture out as I jogged towards the only place I could think of.

“Josh, slow down. You know there’s no running in here,” Cliff, the manager, said as I jogged past him.

I got to the Blue Lagoon and hooked to the left so no one would see me. Just as I expected.

Kat sat on the ground, knees propped up, elbows resting on top, her head in her hands. I knelt down beside her and placed my hand on her arm.

“Kit Kat, what’s the matter?”

Wet eyes, red from crying, peered up at me. Her nose scrunched at the bridge and instead of words she shook her head and bawled. My heart shattered as the pain etched into her features.

I wrapped my arm around her neck and pulled her into me. I fell flat to the ground to sit, and she crawled into my lap. I cradled her, rocking back and forth, running my hand over her hair and kissing her forehead.

Kat might’ve been shy, but she was never weak, so when I saw her fall apart, unable to stop the tears, I knew it was bad. I just didn’t know what it was. Worst of all, I didn’t know how to make it better.

Shirtless, shoeless, and still soaking wet, I hoisted Kat into my chest and stood. She was so consumed in her grief she didn’t even notice the movement. I hugged her tightly to me and headed out the maintenance entrance to the parking lot.

I didn’t care if anyone saw us. I got to my pickup, thankful I’d left a spare key in the wheel well. I unlocked the door and placed Kat on the seat, but when I went to pull away she grabbed me.

Any pieces left of my heart disintegrated. I took her back in my arms, shut the passenger door and walked around to the driver side. I pushed my seat back and lifted her up with me.

She held onto my neck tighter as I leaned down and readjusted the seat. “I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered into her ear and kissed the top of her head. I shifted her to sit beside me, and she nuzzled into my side.

I fired up the ignition and pulled out of there. There was no question in my mind where to go. There was only one place we could shut the world out.

The drive to our spot seemed endless. So many times I wanted to veer off to the side of the road and wrap both arms around her, but I kept driving. I brushed stray strands of reddish blond out of her face and ran my hand down her arm.

I turned onto the path and pulled Kat closer to me, preparing for the bounce of the rough terrain.

It was a little smoother than usual, as if Mother Nature knew Kat was shook up enough. I eased the truck to a stop and threw both arms around her.

And held her.

And held her.

And held her.

I didn’t dare say anything. I knew when she was ready she would talk, but first she had to let out all the pain. So I continued to hold her.

Her cheek rubbed against my bare chest, and she pushed up. She closed her eyes like she was willing the tears to stop and then opened them. I reached out and wiped at the streaks on her face.

“Where’s your shirt?” she asked and when I caught her eye, we both started laughing.

I sighed in relief on the inside. Her laugh was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard. I put my hand under her chin and tilted her face to mine.

“Are you going to tell me about it?”

Her eyes glossed over again, but she took a deep breath and stared into mine. She held my gaze like a lifeline. “My mom . . .” Tears streamed down her cheeks. I took her face in my hands and swiped my thumbs under her lids, wiping the tears away.

“It’s okay,” I said, looking deep into her eyes.

More tears flowed, but she didn’t turn her gaze from mine. Her nose twitched and her lips parted. “Cancer,” she whispered.

I tried not to let the shock show on my face. Kat needed a rock, not a wide-eyed blob with no idea what to say or do. So I did the only thing I could think of. I reached out to her and took her back into my arms, assuring her, “She’ll be okay.”

Her fingers linked through mine, and I took my other hand and outlined a sideways figure eight on her ring finger. “Do you know what the infinity symbol is?” I asked.

She shook her head against my chest.

“Most people know it as a math symbol, meaning infinite, of course. But to others it’s a symbol of infinite strength and love. Without limits or without an end.”

I reached over to my glove box and pulled out a pen. I slid my fingers out from hers and held her hand. I glided the tip of the pen over her skin, marking her with the infinity symbol.

“Kat, you’re strong. Stronger than you know. The love you have for your mom is infinite, and that’s why I know everything is going to be okay.”

She ran her hand over her finger, admiring my artwork. She took the pen from my hand and grabbed my finger, drawing the same symbol on my skin.

“There are no limits to your love either,” she said as she connected the symbol.

We had never said the three-word phrase to each other. I never said it to anyone other than family before. But in that moment, when Kat’s big blue eyes looked up at me, I knew.

I interlocked our fingers, the infinity signs side by side, and reached my other hand up, cupping her cheek. “I love you.”

The skin between her eyes pinched and a smile settled on her lips. “I love you too. So much.”

My hand wrapped around her head and I brushed my mouth against hers. Her fingers tightened around mine, and her other hand got lost in my hair. Electricity shot through my lips right down to my stomach.

Kat pulled away, resting her forehead against mine. “Let’s make them permanent.”

I looked down at her, eyebrow cocked in curiosity. “Make what permanent?”

She held up her finger. “I always wanted a tattoo.”

“Really?” I asked, completely shocked.

“Really.”

“Are you sure about this? I mean, it will be permanent. For life. Forever.”

“I know . . . and that’s what I want.”

“Then let’s do it.”

She leaped into my arms, pinning me against the door, and kissed me hard and sweet. I didn’t want to let her go. Ever.

Against her lips I spoke, “But first I need to find a shirt and a pair of shoes.”

She laughed and then kissed me again, the pain from earlier no longer visible.

***

The memory was a hot poker to my already bruised heart. Kat put a plate of pancakes in front of me, but I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t stop looking at her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, eyes narrowed as she stepped closer to me, examining my face before looking down at my leg.

“I told you to tell me to stay and you didn’t. Why?”

“Holy random,” she said and stepped back.

I used the counter to move closer to her. “I need to know.”

She held her hand up to halt me. “Josh, I don’t want to talk about this.”

Everything I had been holding in boiled to the surface. I let go of the counter and ran both hands through my hair. “I’m sick of not talking. Sick of it. Do you know how it feels to hold things inside of you?”

“Of course I do. I’ve been doing it since the minute you left. I had no one to confide in. No one. So I’m sorry if I don’t let everything out like I used to.”

I ran my hands over my face, calming myself after her words. “So why? Why didn’t you ask me to stay?”

“And be the reason you lost your scholarship? I was stuck here. You weren’t. I couldn’t do that to you.” Kat flung her arms in the air and then settled them on the counter.

“I told you I didn’t care where I went to school as long as we were together. I could’ve played anywhere. It didn’t matter to me.”

I watched the rise and fall of her back as she took a deep breath.

“It mattered to me,” she whispered, then turned around. “My dreams were ripped out from under me, and I wasn’t about to let that happen to you too. I didn’t have a choice. I was okay with that. But you did, and I wouldn’t let you make the wrong one.”

I moved closer to her. “If I was with you, it wouldn’t have been the wrong choice.”

“Until the honeymoon stage ran its course, and you resented me.”

I reached out and rested my hand on the side of her face. “That never would’ve happened.”

She shook her head and pulled away from me. “How do you know that? What we had was great. But we kept the world out of it and eventually . . . we would’ve had to let it in. And when we did, everything would’ve changed.”

“Things change. That’s life.” I put myself in front of her again. Her eyes darted to the floor and she crossed her arms. Not in a stubborn way—she was scared. Probably afraid of what I was about to say. “But I loved you, and two years later, after everything . . .” I took her chin in my hand, urging her to look at me. “All the highs and lows, not seeing you. That one fact hasn’t changed. I still love you as much as I did that summer.”