(Once) Again (3 page)

I woke to the sound of clanging pots. I rolled my head to my alarm clock. Kat was right on time. I was a little disappointed she didn’t come up and get me. Maybe I should’ve made a loud thump so she would have.

It was tempting, but I decided against it. Instead, I got dressed and headed downstairs. Scrambled eggs were on the counter. A guy could get used to this.

I climbed onto a stool and said, “Morning.” When she spun around there was a glow to her cheeks, an almost-sparkle in her eye. The same innocent radiance that had lured me in originally.

“Morning. I hope you like cheese in your eggs.” She faced the sink and ran the pan under water. Her hips swayed as if she were moving to a beat only she could hear.

“Who doesn’t like cheese in their eggs?”

“My mom for one,” she said, and the way her voice softened worried me.

“Are you ever going to tell me how your mom is doing? Is it bad?”

Kat’s back tensed. She turned the faucet off and stuck the pan in the drying rack. I watched her shoulders rise with the breath she took, then she turned to me.

“I’ll meet you in the car when you’re finished.”

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“You have a doctor’s appointment.”

“In three hours.”

Kat stopped, and turned back to me, but didn’t look me in the eye. “We also have to fill your prescription and get more gauze like we should’ve yesterday.”

She grabbed her bag and walked right out the door.

I took my time eating, expecting Kat to come back in. She never did. I washed my dishes, dried them and took more time than necessary to get to the car.

Kat sat in the driver’s seat, and the tension that had tugged at her face earlier was gone. She had a word search puzzle book in one hand and a pen in the other. A smile formed, and she quickly put the pen to the paper. She glanced up and our eyes locked for a brief second before she leaned over and stuck the book in the glove box.

I opened the door and went to sit when I noticed an envelope. I reached down and picked it up. Before I could say anything, Kat’s eyes widened and she ripped it out of my hand, shoving it into her bag. But not before I saw the return address.

Who did she know at Springfield County Jail?

We drove in silence the entire way to the drugstore. Every time I tried to make conversation, she turned the volume of the radio up. I’d let her avoid the mom question for now. Give her enough time to get out of the dark place she retreated to. Even though I had no idea what it was that made her not want to talk—I got it. Because every time Liz or her boyfriend, Zach, asked me about my random zone outs, I lied. I couldn’t talk about it. It was my burden. Not theirs. I couldn’t do that to them.

But I wanted to take that sadness, that hurt, away from Kat. She didn’t need to live with it inside of her. Eating away at all that was good. I wanted to be the person she could confide in. Because once upon a time, I
was
that person.

Looking at her was like a thousand line drives to my chest. I fucked up. Never even introduced her to my family. Anybody. The only ones who knew about us . . . were us. Why did I do that? Back then she was just as beautiful and kind, and I was a fool who should’ve shown her the world instead of just the back of my pickup.

Which is why when Liz was going through hell over her breakup with Zach, she didn’t think I understood. Little did she know, I understood all too well. A broken heart’s not something that’s easily forgotten. Not something you can just pick up and move on from. I put up a good front, pretending everything was okay. I had to. What other choice did I have? No one knew about it. About us. A part of me wanted to keep it that way. Made it a little more special. Like we were keeping a secret from the rest of the world. Only we were in on it.

Maybe that’s why she never told me to stay. Why stay with someone who didn’t let the world know he loved her? Damn. I was an idiot.

She pulled the car into a spot and came around to get my door. I should’ve been the one opening her door, but I couldn’t even get out of the car without her help.

“I’m sorry,” I said as she shut the door behind me.

“I don’t mind. I’m getting paid to do it anyway.” She started towards the entrance, and I reached out and pulled her elbow towards me. Soft curls spun around as she faced me.

Her breath hitched. I took satisfaction in knowing my closeness affected her. “That’s not what I meant,” I said. The skin on the bridge of her nose pinched tight in confusion. Resisting the urge to touch that spot, I stroked circles with my thumb on her wrist. “I’m sorry you met my sister yesterday.”

“Why would you be sorry about that?” Kat smirked. “She’s a sweetheart, and for whatever reason, she loves you. Though, she did refer to you as the ‘Golden Child.’”

I rubbed at my forehead then dropped my hand to hold her other wrist. “What I mean is, you should have met her two years ago. All of my family, you should have met. I’m sorry I kept you to myself.”

Her hair fell, covering her face, and I knew she did it so I wouldn’t see her reaction. I controlled my desire to push it away, afraid if I did, it wouldn’t be enough. Since she walked in my door, I had been dealing with a constant hard on. It was bad enough when I grabbed her elbow and her wrists. They should have warning labels for skin that soft.

Finally, after what felt like hours, she lifted her head, tucking her hair behind her cute little ears. “Like I said the other day, it’s the past. Let it stay there.”

It seemed so unfair. The past being allowed to stay there when I couldn’t go back. But why couldn’t we have what we once did? I just had to start from scratch. Show her all the reasons why she once loved me.

“You’re right. No use reliving it. So I’ll get the meds, you get the bandages. Meet at the register?”

She adjusted her purse on her shoulder. “Sounds like a plan.”

We walked into the store and went our separate ways. I limped through the makeup aisle and right to the pharmacy in the back.

My phone beeped in my pocket and I pulled it out.

Eli:
Dude I’m getting worried. Call me.

I cleared the screen and shoved it back into my pocket.

I walked up to the counter. A lady with a really bad wig and too much makeup looked up at me. “I’m here to pick up a prescription. Josh Wagner.”

“Oh my, you were the shooting victim,” she said with no reservations, like it was normal to blurt out something like that. I bet she wouldn’t be too happy if I walked up and said, “Oh you must be the lady with the bad wig.”

“That would be me,” I said. I was getting used to it though. It was a three-ring circus after the shooting. I was like a local celebrity. Weird how Kat didn’t have a clue. The girl needed a TV.

She always loved reruns of
Saved by the Bell
and
Dawson’s Creek
. She talked about the characters like they were real people, and even though I didn’t care about the Joey, Dawson, and Pacey triangle, I listened anyway because it made her happy.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s great to see you out and about.”

“I appreciate that,” I said with a nod.

“Let me get your script. I’ll be right back.” The woman wobbled away, and I glanced to my left only to be met by a shrine of condoms. It was like an insta-smack. The memory hit me hard. I had bought condoms before meeting Kat at the clearing.

It was the first time we had sex. Call me cocky, but I had a feeling that night was the night. I was right. I remembered every detail right down to the white lace thong and matching bra she had under her light pink dress.

“You have got to be kidding me. Josh?” I quickly turned at the voice and knocked a box of condoms to the floor. Of all people to bump into on my first real outing. And when I was with Kat, no less.

I awkwardly went to pick the box up, but Kim beat me to it. “Umm . . . K-Kim. Hi,” I stuttered. Smooth. Real smooth.

“It’s so good to see you. After I heard what happened, I was so worried. I wanted to call, but I didn’t have your new number.”

I’m sure she did. Kim didn’t just call to see how people were doing though. She only called when she needed something or had an ulterior motive. It only took me a week of dating her to come to that realization. She wanted to use me and my baseball scholarship as a way out of here. Though, at the time, the sex was good, so I let her stick around. But then I discovered what it was like to have sex with Kat, someone I actually loved. Nothing topped that.

Kim handed me the box of condoms. “Since you’re looking at condoms, I guess all the right parts are still working.” Her overly made up eyes glanced down to my crotch and then back up. She smirked in her sexy way, but it didn’t have the same effect on me it once did.

Normally I’d have a smooth response, but my eyes settled on Kat across the way and panic set in. I fumbled with the box and put it back on the rack just as the woman from behind the counter approached.

“Here it is.” The woman held up my prescription. She rung me up and I paid.

“You take care of yourself,” the woman called out, and I offered a smile.

I needed to get back to Kat, but as soon as I moved Kim stood in front of me. “It was good to see you. I’m still at home. Community college and all. We should meet up while you’re around.” She reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell.

Her long red nails clicked on my phone as she typed in her number to my contacts. Note to self: delete. As soon as possible.

She slid my phone back in my pocket and lingered a little too long. Then stood on her toes and kissed my cheek. “See you soon, gorgeous.” She winked a dark eye at me and strutted away. The girl had a nice ass. I couldn’t deny that.

Shit. Why was I staring at her ass when the only ass I cared about had walked away a while ago?

I met Kat back in the front at the register. She had a basket and far more than the bandages we came in for.

“I see Kim is just as slutty as always,” she said, not even attempting to disguise the acid in her tone. She cringed. “Sorry, that was mean. It’s nice you guys are still friendly.”

“We’re not. That’s the first time I’ve seen her since . . .” I paused before I stuck my foot in my mouth. The last time I saw Kim was a huge mistake. “Since senior year.”

“Oh.” Silence spread between us, and I wished the line would move faster. The last thing I needed was to bump into Kim again while I was standing with Kat.

“What is all this?” I asked, hoping to break through the silence.

“I hope you don’t mind. I had a few things I had to pick up.”

“I don’t mind.” Curiosity struck me, and I peered down into her basket. Body wash, makeup, probably to cover the light dusting of freckles on her nose, paper towels, a book of word search puzzles—I’m sure she had one in her bag already—and a TV dinner. I reached into the basket and pulled it out.

“What are you doing?” She grabbed for it, but even though I was on crutches I was still taller than her. “Give it back,” she demanded.

“You’re not eating that.”

“And why not?”

“First off, this crap is worse than the stuff they tried feeding me at the hospital. Second, there is not one ounce of healthy nutrients in this.”

She planted her hands on her curves. “First of all, it’s cheap. Second of all, this coming from the guy who thought dipping his cheese fries in ketchup was healthy.”

“What? Ketchup is made from tomatoes. Tomatoes are healthy.”

Her lips parted and her eyes narrowed. I arched an eyebrow at her and she answered with a roll of her eyes.

“I’m going to need to eat too. Why don’t we stop after my appointment?”

Kat lifted her hand to her temple and took a deep breath. “I can’t.” She balled a fist into her hair again, pulling it tight. “I can’t afford it.”

Money had always been an issue for Kat. I wondered if she still worked to help pay the bills. When her mom started treatments, she couldn’t work, and her dad died years before, so it was up to Kat.

“Lucky for you, I’m old-fashioned and would never let you pay.”

Her body went rigid, hands tightening on the basket. “I don’t want you buying me dinner.”

“Why? It’s not like I haven’t before.”

Her head tilted, and she let out an annoyed sigh. “That was different.”

I leaned towards her until I was engulfed by her sweet scent. “Was it?”

“Yes, it was.”

“Why?”

“Forget it.” She moved away and grabbed a word search book out of her bag. I called that one. She made a show of turning to a clean page and sliding her pen off the back cover.

I placed my hand on her shoulder and bent down to her ear. “Why?”

Her shoulders stiffened. “We aren’t together,” she spat and stepped away.

“I never said we were. I’m hungry. You’re hungry. I don’t see a problem here.”

Her arm dropped and the book smacked against her thigh. “I’m not dressed.”

“Really? Because if you were naked, I’m sure I would’ve noticed.”

She rolled her eyes again. “I’m not dressed to go out. I look like a mess.”

I positioned myself in front of her, leaning forward on my crutch so I could place my finger under her chin. “You look beautiful.”

The corner of her lips tugged, and I could see her trying to fight off the smile. She let out a puff of air. “Fine.”

“Was that so hard?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow and staring at her with a stupid smirk.

An annoyed laugh slipped from her lips, and she shook her head, sucking in her bottom lip.

“Say it. Come on. I need to hear you say it.”

“Extremely,” she said with a smile.

I was an idiot to think I’d be able to get Kat to talk to me over dinner at Felice’s. Every time I tried to steer the conversation towards her and the last two years, she closed up. I hated that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I used to be her venting board. The one person she confided in about everything.

Yet as I forked the last piece of steak into my mouth I couldn’t get her to talk about anything other than the weather and food.

“Have you been to any more concerts?” I asked.

Kat ran her hand up and down her arm then picked up her fork and stabbed at her food. “This chicken is really good,” she said for the fifth time.

The girl was impossible. “I’ll take that as a no. Are you still in school?” I asked, hoping I would hit a subject she’d be willing to share with me to put an end to my misery, and bring back my Kat.

Not a single feature on her face budged. I was beginning to think she moonlighted as a world-class poker player. “There’s a spice in here.” She pointed her knife at the chicken. “I just can’t seem to pinpoint it.”

My eyes traveled down the lines of her jaw to the curve of her neck, lingering on her scar.

“What happened to your neck?”

Her hand flew to the spot just above her shoulder. For a second, she went still, but quickly recovered, taking a sip of her drink then eating another piece of chicken.

Nothing was working. I had to think of the one thing she always had something to say about. Then it hit me. “How’s your mom doing?”

“Do you want to try some? It’s . . .”

“Really good. I know,” I snapped, and Kat leaned back in her chair, her fork hovering just over her plate. She stared at the mashed potatoes as if she wished she could dive into them and disappear.

I gave up. If she wasn’t interested in talking to me then I wasn’t interested in getting her to open up.

The waitress dropped the bill on the table, and I put down thirty bucks and grabbed my crutches. “Ready?” I asked, but didn’t wait for her to answer. I hobbled away, not even looking behind me to see if she was following.

I waited by the car. If I weren’t on the stupid crutches I would’ve walked home. Hell, I would’ve run home.

The girl was good at dodging questions. Babbling about her food and the weather, silly ways to get out of every single question I threw at her. God, she was as infuriating as she was beautiful.

If she’d only let me in. Talk to me. I knew I’d be able to change her mind about us. But how do you make a person open up when she doesn’t want to?

I heard her footsteps and decided it was time to just let it go. She was my aide and nothing more. Three days with her and I’d let the line blur. But she wasn’t ready or willing to give us another shot, no matter how much I wanted it.

The past was great, but like she said, that’s all it was—the past. It was time to leave it there. Move on. She clearly had. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell.

“Who are you calling?” she asked just as I was about to hit call.

“My sister’s boyfriend. I’ll have him pick me up. You can go home.” Her lips parted, and her face turned to stone.

You’d think I hauled off and knocked the wind out of her. I didn’t care. I was done pretending I didn’t notice every time she changed the subject. Besides, she was the one who ended things. So why was I so intent on filling in the gaps the last two years created?

“And talk to your manager, see if you can switch. I hate seeing you every day when it’s obvious you want to be anywhere else.”

I expected her to get in her car and drive away, never look back. So when she balled her hand into her hair and stepped towards me, I nearly collapsed in shock.

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you.”

So she’d figured out why I was so mad. Not that I was surprised. She had always been a smart girl. Had a full ride to Columbia, but gave it up to stay with her mom during her treatments.

“Then why won’t you?”

Her eyes watered. “Because it hurts . . . so bad.” A single tear rolled down her cheek, and I was pissed for being so selfish to think it was because of me. She choked on her words and broke into sobs.

Shit! I moved as quick as I could with the damn crutches. I reached out to her and pulled her against my chest. Her body shook with each cry that escaped her mouth. I squeezed her tight, wishing I could take away her pain.

“It’s okay,” I whispered against her hair. “It’s okay.”

After the sobs subsided, she pulled away and wiped at her eyes. “Three months after you left, Mom’s cancer spread to her brain. She died six days later.”

I rested my armpits on my crutches and placed my hands on either side of her face, brushing the tears away with my thumbs. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

She glanced up at me and tried to force a smile, but her face crumbled as she spoke. “It’s okay.”

“So what happened? To you? Your brother?”

She took a deep breath. “When Mom got sick, I enrolled at Farmingdale State, thinking I could go to classes at night when she was sleeping. And I did. But when she died, it just didn’t work out. I was eighteen, Justin was sixteen. What was I supposed to do? I dropped out and went from being a sister to a mom. I got this job and have been working to pay the bills ever since. It was easier when Justin was around. I had somebody. But he left for school the last week of August. Because of our situation he got grants and financial aid. Pretty much covered everything. Now . . . now I’m alone. My job and house are all I have left.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. She once told me there were three people she loved. Her mom, her brother, and me. Within three months she lost two of them. I hated myself for walking away so easily, leaving the ball in her glove. I should’ve fought harder for her. If I’d only made another phone call. Stopped at her house one more time. Showed her how badly I wanted to make it work.

“I wish I’d been there for you.”

She shook her head. “No. It’s okay. You were exactly where you needed to be.”

“Was I? Because that first year all I thought about was you. I admit that over time I was able to let you go, but you still popped into my mind. I wanted to call you. See how you were and what you were up to. Now I wish I had.”

“It’s better you didn’t. I became a mom overnight and I had to be the rock. Justin needed to lean on me and I needed to be strong for him.”

“You could’ve still been strong for him even if you were leaning on someone else.”

“No, I couldn’t. If I let myself fall apart I never would’ve been able to pull myself back together.”

“I would’ve helped you.”

She threw her arms down and stepped back. “I know,” she whispered.

I closed the gap she created. “Then why didn’t you call me?”

She ran her fingers through her hair. Emotion darkened her eyes. “I was scared.”

“Of what?”

“Hearing your voice. It was always the one thing that would undo me. I was able to hold myself together, but I knew if I saw you and you asked me what was wrong, I would crumble. I was scared of crumbling and not having you there to catch the pieces.

“I relied on you for so much that summer, and when you were gone, I had to learn to do it on my own. I didn’t cry. At the hospital. At the funeral. When they turned the electricity off because I couldn’t afford to pay it. I didn’t cry. I hadn’t cried in two years . . . then I saw you the other day and that barrier I built came crashing down.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she didn’t stop. “I controlled myself until I got home, and then I lost it. I cried enough to make up for the past two years. Your questions . . . I couldn’t handle them. I didn’t want to cry in front of you.”

I held my hand out to her. “Come here.”

She looked down at my hand then back up at me. “I don’t want to cry,” she said.

“I hate to break it to you.” I limped towards her and placed my hands on either side of her cheeks, running my thumbs under her eyes. “But I think you’re a little too late on that one.” The corner of her lip tugged and I touched the spot. “Was that a smile?”

“Maybe.”

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. Warmth ran through my lips into my entire body. So many nights I had held her like this. So many nights she’d needed me to comfort her, to tell her everything would be okay. I could tell she still did. But this time I needed her too. More than she would ever know.

She glanced up at me, and I was lost in the blue depths of her eyes. Even with tears staining her cheeks, she’d never looked more beautiful.

I was taking a chance, but I had to. The reason I lost her all came down to the fact that I didn’t take a chance. I played it safe, and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I told myself if I ever had a shot with Kat again I would be all in. Nothing would stop me. It was my opportunity. The one I thought about so many nights, when girl after girl sent me home disappointed with her inability to make me feel a tinge of what I felt with Kat.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. Her body went stiff, but she didn’t hit me, so I took it as a good sign. At first I didn’t move, afraid if I did, she would jump away. But greed took over, and I moved my lips, urging her to part her own, swiping my tongue across the line that kept me from what I desperately wanted.

She melted into my embrace, parting her lips, sliding her tongue into my mouth, and ruining any other girl for me. Actually, she already had. I hadn’t realized it until she showed up on my doorstep, but there was a reason I’d never wanted a relationship with any of the girls I’d dated. The reason being that kissing them was about as exciting as watching a snail race. It was simple.

They weren’t Kat.

Her hands ran through my hair, and I needed her in the worst way. I moved, wanting her against the car. I didn’t care that my crutches were getting in the way. All my mind could focus on was Kat.

I leaned her back into the driver’s side door and pressed my body against hers. Her body went rigid, so I ran my fingers along her cheekbone to calm her nerves. She sucked in a sharp breath and then lifted her lips to mine.

A loud bang came from behind us. I tore my mouth from Kat’s and dove to the ground. My heart raced. I desperately tried to get air to my lungs, but each breath was ragged and as much as I gasped, I couldn’t breathe.

I closed my eyes and like a projector, visions from that day in the hallway popped up. One after another.

Body after body collapsed to the ground. Blood splattered across the walls, dripping down the white paint to the floor.

People running. Screaming. Everyone was screaming.

I didn’t know what was worse. The screams or the sound of gunshots. I could run, but the gunman was at the door and no one had made it out alive yet. I grabbed Nia’s arm and pulled her into the doorway.

More screams. More shots. More blood. And I was trapped.

“Josh!” Kat screamed and fell to my side. “What’s the matter? Is it your leg?”

Sweat dripped into my eye, and when she rested her hand on my arm, I was able to catch my breath. “Sorry,” I muttered.

Her blue eyes, still red from crying, filled with concern. “What was that?”

“Nothing.” She didn’t need to know. She had enough on her plate. Enough to deal with without taking on my craziness.

She held my face in her hands. The simple gesture decreased my heart rate. “It wasn’t nothing. Don’t lie to me. I just spewed my problems all over you. Don’t even think about lying to me.”

I didn’t know how to put what I was dealing with into words. It wasn’t something that came with a manual. I was on my own. But if anyone knew about being on their own, it was Kat. Two years ago I would’ve done anything for her, and in that moment, lying against her car, acid sweat burning my eye, I knew that hadn’t changed.

So without going into too much detail, I put into words what I hadn’t been able to until that moment. “Loud noises freak me out. My brain thinks it’s a gunshot. It was a fucking car door for chrissakes. But my mind doesn’t register it that way. I hardly leave the house anymore.”

Kat combed her fingers in my hair. “Why didn’t you tell me? We didn’t have to leave the house.”

I grabbed her hand, pulling it down to lie on my cheek. “Because when I’m with you the visions go away.”

“What visions?”

I bit my cheek, realizing I’d said too much. But not being able to turn back now, I told her the truth. “When you found me on the floor of my bedroom, it was because I was having a nightmare, but it wasn’t really a nightmare because I lived it. I don’t call them nightmares because they happen when I’m not sleeping. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m zoned out, reliving that day.”

Her thumb stroked the skin along my jaw. “Have you thought about seeing someone? A psychiatrist?”

“How can they possibly understand what I’m going through?”

“They’re trained. They go to school and learn how to deal with all types of things.”

“A textbook can’t fix me. Unless you were there you wouldn’t understand,” I said, my tone much harsher than I intended. Kat leaned away from me, her eyes wide in . . . fear. Dammit, I’d scared her.

I was an asshole. There was no other way to put it. Kat was trying to help and I snapped at her. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she got up and left me there. Instead she erased the space she’d created between us. She took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. “Make me understand.”

If only it were that easy. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

She ran her fingers down my face and I relaxed my cheek against her hand. “That bad, huh?”

Blood. Blood everywhere. Surrounded by lifeless bodies, knowing there was nothing you could do to bring them back. Looking evil right in the eye. “You have no idea.”

“I don’t.” Kat stroked my hair then placed her hand on my chin, urging me to look at her. “But when you’re ready to talk to someone about it, I’m here.”

My lip twitched with excitement. “Does that mean you’re going to stick around?”

“If you want me to.”

I pulled her face to mine and brushed my lips against hers. “Of course I do,” I said against her mouth. “Of course I do.”