On the Outside Looking In (Wrong Reasons) (17 page)

Still, she hadn’t mentioned Irelyn going, either, which made me think that maybe she was feeling a little bad that she hadn’t invited me.  I didn’t want to dwell on it but I couldn’t stop.  True, I’d alienated myself from my friends over the summer, but we’d managed to somehow put that behind us.  We were moving forward – but at a snail’s pace, or so it seemed.  How had I fit in before?  How had we meshed together so well in the past?  None of us had ever really had anything in common – well, at least until now.  Irelyn and Bailey were involved with brothers – twins at that.  It made sense that they’d become closer as they attended all the same family functions. 

But where did that leave me?

On the outside looking in, obviously.

Sighing, I finished my tea and rinsed the cup in the sink.  I needed to get past the self-pity and accept things as they are.

Before I could get much further with my self-chastising, someone knocked on my door.  Startled, I hurried across the kitchen and peeked through the window.

It was Evan.

Unlocking the door, I opened it and he brushed past me, moving into the living room.

“Hi, to you, too,” I mumbled as I shut the door and followed him.  “Where have you been?”

“Around,” he said.

That’s when I noticed the red in his eyes and the faint whiff of alcohol.

“Rusty’s?” I asked.

He shrugged.

Expelling a long breath, I moved closer.  “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing,” he said, his tone snarky.  “Not a whole lot.”

“Something is bugging you.”

He barked a sarcastic laugh.  “Well, you see, I went to see my girlfriend last night but imagine my surprise when I spot her kissing another guy.”

My head started to spin so I pressed my fingers to my temple in hopes of stopping it.  “What are you talking about?”

“I went to Beans last night and saw you standing there talking to Spencer Kelly.  No big deal, right?  But then you go and kiss him!”

“I never kissed Spencer,” I said, dropping my hand to my side.  “You’re very much mistaken.”

“I saw it,” he said, turning away from me to gaze out the window.

My mind whirred as I recounted what had happened the night before.  “Spencer came in to chat.  He talked to me while I cleaned up, but then he left.”

A picture flashed through my memory.

“Oh,” I said.

“Yeah,” Evan said, turning to face me.  “Now you remember, huh?”

“I didn’t kiss him, you idiot,” I said as anger crept up my throat.  “He gave me a kiss on the cheek before he left.  It wasn’t a big deal – he’s just my friend.  He gave me a peck on the cheek before he left.  Friends do that, you know.”

He snorted.  “So, do you kiss Irelyn and Bailey on the cheek before you leave them?”

“No,” I said. “Not every time, but I have in the past.  Spencer just did it because he came in to talk.  He’s still getting over Jessica and I guess it was his way of saying thanks for listening, or something.”

“He’s using you.”

“Oh, don’t do this again,” I said, holding up my hands while shaking my head.  “I thought we talked about this…male posturing sort of thing.”

He rolled his eyes.  “No, that was different.”

“How is it different?”

“Because before I stopped a guy from hitting on you.
  Now, some guy is kissing you and showing up at your job to chat.  He’s using you to get over his girlfriend,” he said, stepping forward.  “Just like he did before.”

I felt the blood drain from my face. 
“Before?”

“Yes,” he said, softly, taking my hand.  “I know all about what happened last summer.  Rusty told me.”

“Rusty knows?” I asked, appalled.

“Yeah, just about everyone knows,” he said.

“Oh, great,” I said, burying my face into his chest.  “How humiliating.”

He wrapped his arms around me.  “I’m sorry I got
pissy, okay?  But it sort of sucked to see that guy in there, kissing you and shit.”

“It’s nothing,” I said, my voice muffled by his body.  “He’s just my friend, that’s all.”

He edged back and lifted my chin.  “Don’t let him make it into something more.  I know Spencer is a decent guy, but sometimes decent guys do stuff they regret.”

Emotion swelled in my chest as I rolled to my toes and placed my lips on his.  His hold on me tightened as he deepened the kiss.  My hands raked through his hair as I pressed my body
against his, desperate for his warmth.  Desire swept through my body and all I could think about was getting him to my bedroom.

“Morgan,” he muttered but I kissed him harder, working his coat off his body.  He groaned as his hands wandered under my sweater, caressing my back.

Clinging to him, I stepped backwards, toward the bedroom, expecting him to follow.  But he didn’t.  He ripped his lips from mine, his eyes pooled with want.

“No, Morgan,” he said in a husky voice.

My heart fell.

Chapter Seventeen

Ducking my head, I bit my swollen lips, ashamed at my wanton behavior.

“Morgan,” he said, using his knuckle to lift my head.  “Listen to me, okay?”

I nodded, fighting the tears that stood in my eyes.  I prayed they wouldn’t fall.  I was embarrassed enough.

“I want you, very much, don’t get me wrong,” he whispered.  “But you’re not the type of girl that you just do this with.  You’re not that way.”

“But, I want to do it,” I said.

He smiled and pecked my forehead.  “I know, but I think we should just give it a little more time.  I…well, don’t get upset, okay?”

I blinked at him before nodding, although I couldn’t promise anything at that point.

“I know that you’re not very experienced, and that’s okay,” he said in a rush.  “As a matter of fact, I think it’s great.  And I respect that about you.  That’s why I don’t want to just hop into bed the first time things get steamy.”

“I’m almost twenty-one years old,” I protested. 
“A little too old to be a virgin.”

His smile was sweet.  “Virginity has nothing to do with age – well, I mean, once you’re not a kid.”

My lips curled as he stumbled over his words.

“What I mean
is, that, just because you reach a certain age, it doesn’t mean you have to just jump into a sex life.  You’re different than any other girl I’ve met.  I like that.  I like that you’ve respected yourself enough to wait until the right time.”

I didn’t have to heart to tell him that I hadn’t had much opportunity, not to mention that sometimes sex scared me to death.

“I’m not saying we won’t, because it’s killing me right now to deny you, but I care about you and don’t want your first real time to be right after another stupid argument.  I don’t want you to have any regrets.”

“It just seems a little silly that out of everyone I know, I’m probably the only virgin,” I said.

“So, what? Why would you ever want to be like anyone else?” he asked.  “Especially your friends?”

“What’s wrong with my friends?” I asked, instantly defensive.

“Nothing, except that you’re not like them, and that’s okay,” he said.  “They’re a bit wild and you’re not.”

I nodded, wanting the entire conversation over.

“Listen, I have to get out of here,” he said, hugging me to his chest.  “We have some city vehicles in the shop that need work and my uncle promised to have it done by tomorrow afternoon.  I guess we’re going to work on them tonight and then early in the morning.”

“Okay,” I said, resting my cheek to his chest.

“I’m bartending early at Rusty’s Saturday night,” he said, rubbing my arms.  “I’ll be done by seven.  Why don’t we do something?  Like a date?”

“Okay,” I said, lifting my head.  He planted a lingering kiss on my lips before pulling away to pick up his coat.

“I’ll call you tomorrow when I get a chance.”

I nodded, following him to the door.  Once he left, I wandered to my room to prepare for bed, everything we’d discussed slowly running through my head.

***

I spent the rest of the week fighting self-doubt and pity.  It didn’t help any that the gray, gloomy sky was constantly threatening more snow, with no chance for the sun to peek through the clouds.  My dour mood prevented me from visiting the cafeteria, avoiding any chance of meeting up with Bailey.  I needed time to process the things that Evan had said – and my own feelings.

No, I wasn’t like Bailey or Irelyn.  But, if I was being totally honest with myself, I had to admit that I’d always sort of wanted to be.  They weren’t prissy, goody-goody type of girls.  They lived their lives and went after what they wanted.  I sort of stood by, watching, waiting for something to come to me.

Evan was right about one thing, though.  I didn’t need to try to be like my friends – no matter how much I secretly wanted to be.  I needed to be my own person.  But who was that person?

As I struggled with my identity, Evan kept busy with the garage and the bar.  We weren’t able to get together, although we did speak on the phone every night.

I was looking forward to Saturday when we could be together.  I was anxious to see if the overwhelming feelings I’d experienced the night when he came to my apartment would surface again.  Were they just the results of the argument – the argument we never really settled? And if the feelings were genuine, would I have the guts to take him back to my apartment and go through with what I’d started the other night?

My heart jumped at the thought.  I liked Evan.  I cared about him.  Was I in love with him?  I wasn’t sure.  But losing my virginity to him wasn’t such a bad thing.  He was very caring and thoughtful.  He wouldn’t see it as another conquest.

When Saturday night finally rolled around, I dressed carefully before driving to Rusty’s.  The lot was pretty full, bringing on a touch of anxiety.  Hopefully, we wouldn’t stick around long.

I spotted him as soon as I walked through the door, waiting on a throng of girls lining the bar.  There wasn’t anywhere for me to sit so I stood awkwardly at the end of the bar, behind two guys sharing a pitcher of beer.

When he saw me, he flashed a grin in my direction, holding up a finger to indicate he’d be with me in a second.  I nodded, ignoring the curious looks from a few of the girls at the bar.

He finished up with his open tickets and hurried around the bar, two drinks in hand.

“Let’s sit for a bit,” he said, handing me a drink and clutching my arm.  He led me to an empty table in the middle of the throng where we sat.

“Busy tonight, huh?” I asked, sipping my drink.  It wasn’t a diet soda – it was a vodka and cranberry.  I welcomed the alcohol, hoping to quell my nerves.

“Yeah,” he said.  “Crazy.”

A gaggle of girls fed crinkled dollar bills into the jukebox which instantly began to wail out loud rap music.  I winced at the volume, bringing a smile to Evan’s face.

“Yeah, I agree,” he said.  “Maybe I’m getting old.”

I laughed.  “We could leave.”

“We will,” he said.  “But a couple of my friends are supposed to stop by soon.  I want you to meet them.”

“Okay,” I said as I finished my drink.

Evan took my glass and lifted it, raising a brow.  “Want another or would you prefer soda?”

Feeling a bit reckless, I grinned.  “I’ll take another.”

“
Alrighty, then,” he said as he stood and shoved his way to the bar.

I sat by myself, suddenly aware of the crowd around me.  Loud and rowdy, everyone seemed to be having a good time, drinking with friends.  A wave of laughter floated in the air from the bar as the patrons lined up to do shots.  The girls near the jukebox began dancing, drinks in hand, moving their bodies in weird ways.  The table next to ours was full of boisterous, older college boys, half empty pitchers lined up next to empty shot glasses.

“Here,” Evan said, setting a drink in front of me.  “I’m sorry, Morg, but I need to give the other bartender a hand for a few minutes.  Kelsi called and said she’d be a few minutes late.”

“Okay,” I said.  I wasn’t sure who
Kelsi was but I figured she must be a bartender.  Evan pecked my cheek and ran back to the bar, quickly filling orders for the throng.

Sitting by myself, I tried to appear nonchalant and not self-conscious, but I wasn’t very successful.  I could feel prying eyes watching me, probably either laughing or feeling sorry for the lonely girl.  It was stifling.

I managed a bored gaze around the bar, in hopes of looking like I was just fine by myself, when I spotted a familiar set of eyes.

Owen.

My heart sank as something nasty burned its way up my throat.  It was no use turning away for he noticed me.  The snarky sneer on his lips told me as much.  Repulsed as I was, I couldn’t stop staring, not able to look away.  Finally, he waltzed across the room and sat at my table.

“Morgan.”

“Owen.”

“What are you doing here, by yourself?  Slumming?”

“If I was that desperate, I still wouldn’t come to you,” I said, wincing inside at my lame words.

“Whatever, darling,” he said, still sneering. “There was a time when you thought just the opposite.”

“Yeah, but I was out of my mind,” I said.

He kept his nasty look on his face and I took that moment to study him.  Although he tried to appear so, he’d lost a lot of his cocky confidence.  There were dark circles under his eyes and he’d lost a little weight.  Perhaps it was the drugs or the loss of his bar – maybe a combination of the two.  A touch of pity hit me but I pushed it aside.  This was Owen, after all.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, stalling for time to think of something to say to drive him away.

“Looking for a good time,” he said, leaning over the table.  “You interested?”

I crinkled my nose.  “Not in the slightest.”

“Still clinging to that virginity, are we?”

“I don’t think it’s any of your business,” I said in my best, snooty tone.

Laughing, he lifted his glass to me and finished his drink.  Without another word, he rose from his chair and approached the bar.  I released the breath that I hadn’t realized I was holding.  With a slight tremor in my hand, I sipped my own drink, silently urging Evan to return to the table.

It didn’t work.  Instead, Owen sat back down, fresh drink in hand.  I stifled a groan and turned my head.

“Don’t play coy with me, Morgan,” he said, amused.  “I know you want me.  You wanted me last summer, even if it was only as revenge on your friends.”

“I don’t want you, Owen,” I said.  “I think you’re a sad, pathetic man.”

“And you’re a righteous bitch.”

I shrugged, not caring in the least what he thought of me. 

“Now, now, Morgan,” he cooed.  I glanced over my shoulder to see him leaning across the table.  “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“No,” I snorted.  “Not in the least.”

He laughed again, grating on my nerves.  “I think you’re wrong.  I think I intrigue you.”

“Not at all,” I said, my anger on the rise.  I fought it, doing my best to gain control.  “You should leave.  I’m waiting for someone.”

“Ah, I see,” he said.  “Let me guess – Evan, right?  Or are you still hoping you’ll get into Spencer’s pants?”

I stiffened, biting my lip to keep from retorting.

“He’ll toy with you, sure, but he likes his girls a little…sexier.  He’ll mess around with you until something better comes along.”

I breathed deeply through my nose, releasing each breath out of my mouth.  Never before had I had the urge to strike someone like I did at that moment.

“But I’d take you, Morgan,” he said in a silky voice.  I raised a brow at his words which prompted him to place his hand on top of mine.  Slowly, he ran his hand up my arm.

I opened my mouth to tell him to stop but Evan beat me to the punch.

“What the hell are you doing?” Evan asked, his body stiff, fists bunched at his sides.

Owen looked over his shoulder.  “Talking to Morgan.  Is that not allowed?”

“No, it’s not,” Evan said.

I bristled, not at all liking the way they were talking about me.

Owen chuckled as he looked at me.  “So, little Morgan likes being controlled, huh?  That’s news to me.
And a little kinky.”

Evan kicked Owen’s chair.  “I said, don’t talk to her.  Get away from here now.”

Owen’s chuckles increased.  “And here I thought Morgan could decide for herself who she wanted to talk to and who she didn’t.  I guess she sold herself out just to have a boyfriend.”

My jaw fell as I gaped at Owen.  Is that what he thought?  Is that what everyone thought – that I was so desperate for a boyfriend that I let him decide what was and wasn’t allowed?

“Get away from her,” Evan demanded, his face red as a fire truck.

Owen winked at me before rising to his feet, facing Evan.  I was frozen and could only stare.

“You need to shut the fuck up, Evan,” Owen said as the muscles in his back bunched.  “Unless you’re looking for a fight.”

That broke my trance and I, too, got to my feet.  “No, he’s not.”

“Stay out of it, Morgan,” Evan said, his steely gaze concentrated on Owen.

Owen laughed.  “If you tell her to jump, does she ask how high?”

Before I could intervene, Evan’s fist connected with Owen’s jaw.  Mortified, I covered my mouth with my hands as Owen struck back.  The tables around us cleared as their occupants gathered around the two men throwing punches and threats.

I wanted it to stop but didn’t know how to do it.  They were swinging so carelessly that I was afraid if I got too close, one of their fists would hit me.

“Knock it off!” yelled one of the bartenders – Tony, I think was his name.  He pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed the back of Evan’s shirt, yanking.  Evan lost his balance just as Owen punched again, hitting Evan on the chin.

“You rat bastard!” Evan yelled as he fought to break loose of Tony’s grip.  But one of the college guys wrapped his beefy arms around Owen while Tony tightened his hold on Evan.