On My Knees (33 page)

I blamed Maya’s boss for ruining her day and possibly her career, pushing her to the emotional edge. Over the past couple days I’d seriously considered paying the asshole a visit and giving him the sound beating I should have given him the night he’d propositioned Maya. If she ever learned of it though, I’m sure it wouldn’t earn me points with getting her back.

Her job drama aside, I blamed myself for making the mistake of bringing her to see them, for rushing into the marriage conversation when she obviously wasn’t ready for it. I’d been selfish, wanting to bind her to me. Now all I wanted was to simply be with her. I could point the finger all I wanted, but ultimately the blame fell squarely on my shoulders. Married or not, I just had to have her with me. I refused to accept that I could lose her again. I’d even considered returning the ring, as if that symbolic step backwards could undo this separation. If only it could be that easy.

The events of that night had ultimately pushed Maya back out of my life. Not forever, but enough that I deeply regretted the distance between us. I ached for her. I slept like hell, if at all. I’d been withdrawn and growly at work, which is likely why Olivia arranged this dinner. A peace offering, maybe. She’d taken the brunt of my mood. We were a unit, albeit a small one, but we had to be strong for each other.

“How’s work, Darren?” she asked.

“Good. You know, it’s fire season. Plenty of people trying to heat their apartments with toaster ovens. Makes for interesting days.”

“Any new recruits?”

He twisted his lips up. “Nah.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “What about the blonde? She seems like she’s all over you. Easy pickings, right? Isn’t that what you always say?”

He ran his teeth across his bottom lip and glanced to the side. “I don’t know. Not my type.”

I laughed loudly. “You’re joking, right?”

He smirked, finally meeting my gaze. “Fuck you, man. What’s up with Maya anyway? Hate to shine a light on the elephant in the room, but you’ve been impossible to be around lately. Is it over with you two, or what?”

I leveled a glare at him at the mention of her name. I’d made it pretty clear I didn’t want to discuss it. Olivia stared at her plate toying with her food, her lips pressed together.

“We’re taking some time, that’s all.”

“She’s still coming by the gym though. Are you cool with that?”

“I’m fine. I lived without her for five years. What’s another few weeks or months? I should be a pro at this by now.” I worked my jaw. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wished I had somewhere far away to be right now. It was a dark thought, to want to be someplace shadowed in memories that kept me up at night. Anything to be free of this brand of agony.

When she’d come to the gym, I had to keep myself from hauling her into my arms and kissing her breathless. Instead I’d watched myself pull away a little more every time I saw her. The less we interacted, the easier it seemed. Having to see her and not be able to touch her or tell her how I felt was a slow torture. She’d asked for space, and God knew I’d pushed her hard enough already. She hadn’t said no, and as much as I hated the idea of giving her time—spending any unnecessary time apart—I didn’t get that sinking feeling that we were over.

Impossible as it seemed, I would try like hell to give her the time she needed. I just worried how long I could survive it.

Darren took a swig of his beer. “What about you, Liv? Anyone catching your eye?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. You’d think in a city this big, I’d be dating someone by now.”

“Plenty of beefy guys at the gym.” Darren gave her a silly smile.

“Right.” She rolled her eyes. “Like you two wouldn’t be pulling your usual overprotective routine the second one of those guys asked me out.”

“Hey, that’s what big brothers are for, you know.” Darren reached over and mussed her hair.

She swatted him away, unsuccessfully hiding a grin.

We finished eating and she rose to clear the table when Darren stopped her.

“I’ll get it, Liv. You cooked. Let me clean up.”

She settled back down, fidgeting with her napkin as he disappeared into the kitchen with our plates. The silence was heavy. We’d barely spoken since New Year’s and the more time went by, the harder it’d become to breach the tension that had come between us.

“Cameron, I’m sorry. A part of me feels like this is all my fault.”

I resisted the urge to tell her she was completely right. I wanted her to feel a fraction of the devastation that I did. The regret in her eyes softened that urge. Instead of the meddling spitfire who’d taken charge of the finer details of my life the past couple months, all I could see was my baby sister. I’d seen her through enough that I knew what genuine regret looked like on her.

“Water under the bridge, okay? Let’s get past it. Just promise me you’ll never pull that shit on me again, all right?”

Her shoulders relaxed with evident relief. “Thank you. I’m going to talk to Maya sometime too. Maybe when things are more settled between you two. But I owe her an apology. I realize that. I’ve been a complete bitch. I know it’s not an excuse, but I hope you understand that I was only trying to protect you.”

“I get it. I’m protective of you too. That’ll never change. Hopefully I don’t inadvertently end up scaring off your reason for living though.”

The regret was back. The corners of her lips turned down a fraction.

I reached for her hand, giving it a small squeeze. “Enough of this heavy stuff though. Want to watch a movie?”

She brightened a little. “Sure.”

“Go pick something out. No chick flicks.”

She laughed and rose. “Right. Wouldn’t want to see you two tough guys getting all weepy on me.”

MAYA. Vanessa rushed into the cafe, stress written all over her face. I didn’t miss that look. For a second I thought I could actually see the shackles on her ankles as she joined me at the table. I’d never been so happy to be a free bird.

I rose and she gave me a firm hug.

“How are you doing?” The question was rhetorical. I knew Reilly was definitely still making her daily life pure hell.

She sighed and dropped into the chair. “I miss you like crazy, Maya. I’m so happy you’ve moved on, but I also kind of hate you, you know?”

I laughed. “Sorry. I’ll try to get down here more often for lunch.”

“Are you job hunting?”

“I’m seeing what’s out there, but I haven’t applied anywhere. I’ve been helping Cameron out with some business stuff at the gym. Otherwise just kind of taking a break. Trying to figure out where to go from here.”

“I’m sure Cameron is psyched to be able to spend more time with you.”

I stalled, unsure of where to start. I didn’t really want to get into where things stood with Cameron right now, but I’d have to eventually. Thankfully the server came and took our orders. I hoped that would distract her, but her focus was fully trained on me, a concerned look in her eye.

Vanessa must have read the hesitation on my face. “Are you two still together? What did I miss?”

“We’re kind of taking a break.”

“Was that your decision?”

I nodded.

“What did he do? Was he a jerk to you?”

I laughed. “Twenty questions, Vanessa.”

She threw her hands up. “I’m out of the loop. Seriously, fill me in. Fast. Who knows when I’ll be beckoned again?”

I sighed. “He wasn’t a jerk.” Far from it. He’d been sweet and poured his heart out to me.

“Well, what happened? For fuck’s sake, spill it.”

“He kind of proposed.”

A deep groove marked her brow. “How does one ‘kind of propose’?”

“I guess you get about half way there before the person you’re proposing to gets that deer-in-headlights look and stops you before you can get down on one knee.”

“What? You stopped him? Why?”

I thought back to that moment. I’d stopped him in his tracks. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him, to play out the old memory that had ended terribly for us both. My anxiety that night had reminded me of the certain misery I would face if I said no, yet I was gripped with what it meant to say yes.

“Vanessa, I lost my job, his mom basically told me outright I was trash, and I’m trying this new thing where I don’t drown my problems in booze. It was too much. If I’d put one more emotionally intense situation on my plate, I was going to snap.”

“So you told him no?”

“I told him I needed time. I didn’t say yes or no. I mean, we talk and we’ve seen each other a few times, but the break has been good for me. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and sort of get balanced again. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this...I don’t know, stable, I guess.”

“But you haven’t addressed the proposal at all since then?”

“No. In fact we haven’t addressed much of anything. He’s been kind of distant the past couple times I’ve been by.”

She laughed. “No shit.”

“What?”

“I think if I proposed to a guy, which by the way will never happen, and he didn’t give me the answer I wanted, I wouldn’t be throwing myself at him afterwards.”

“Thanks.” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but have you thought about what he’s going through? You’ve been dying over this guy for years. Yet you’ve shot him down twice, and he’s still in this. That’s nothing short of a miracle.”

“I don’t want to rush into something that emotionally I can’t see through. I’m being responsible for once.”

“Maya, listen to me.” She leaned forward, her eyes gentler. “You love Cameron. I can see that. I’m pretty sure someone would need to be legally blind not to see what you two have. But I’m not
you
. I don’t know what it must be like to live in that hurricane of emotion, and I sure as hell can’t tell you when to take that leap. I just want you to be happy, and I don’t want to see the person who makes you happy walk because you can’t bite the bullet. ”

The server brought our food, briefly interrupting Vanessa’s rant. I felt sick suddenly. Vanessa’s reaction made all my self-assurances these past few weeks seem shallow and absurd. My eyes welled up with thick tears. I blinked them away before they could fall.

“He does make me happy,” I whispered. “Like I never knew what being happy truly meant until he found me.”

“Stop fighting it then.
Be
happy. You deserve happiness, and Jesus, so does he. He’s so crazy in love with you, Maya.”

“I just wanted to have a chance to be better for him, for both of us, you know?”

Her lips curved into a sympathetic smile. “Honey, I think all he probably wants is you. Just the way you are.”

Vanessa’s eyes glistened, and my heart twisted more. I was grateful she cared as much as she did. Her phone lit up a second later. She groaned before answering it with a forced smile. After a few terse words, she hung up.

“Reilly is calling me back. I have to go. Are you okay, hon?”

I nodded quickly. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Go.” I waved her off. “The boss needs you. I’ll figure this out, I promise.”

“Keep me posted. I need updates. We can’t go this long without getting together.”

I agreed and gave her a hug goodbye. She lingered, hugging me tightly. I was going to start crying if she didn’t let go, so I was relieved when she finally left me alone with my untouched lunch. My thoughts all swirled around Cameron now.

I texted him on the way home.

M: Dinner tonight?

C: Sure. What time?

M: Pick me up at 6?

C: It’s a date.

I smiled at the reference. We’d gone so far past my juvenile relationship limitations. Making plans to see each other and talk sent a rush of anticipation through me, but Vanessa was right. I’d had some time to sort myself out and I was stalling at this point. Avoiding my deeper relationship with Cameron meant sidestepping the emotional albatross of his proposal. I couldn’t lose him, and I only hoped I hadn’t pushed him too far away.

Just inside the stairwell leading up to the apartment, my phone began to ring. Not recognizing the number, I answered tentatively.

“Hello?”

A man’s deep voice greeted me. “Is this Maya Jacobs?”

“Yes, who is this?”

“I’m sorry to bother you, Ms. Jacobs. My name is Officer Ray Stevens. I’m with the Greene County Police Department.”

My heart fell into my stomach. I sat down on a step immediately. “Is it my mom? Lynne Jacobs? Is she okay?”

He cleared his throat, drawing out the silence long enough that I nearly interrupted him before he began again.

“I’m very sorry to tell you, Miss Jacobs, but your mother has passed away.”

“What?”

"She was found this morning. It appears she overdosed. We were able to track you down as her next of kin.”

“No.” Everything around me spun. This couldn’t be.
No, no, no. God, no.

“I’m sorry.”

His voice was lower, muted by the thundering sound of my heart and the screaming denial of my mind.

“I understand if you need some time. Maybe I could call back a little later to discuss your plans for arrangements.”

I shook my head. She wasn’t gone. This couldn’t be happening.

“Miss?”

I took a sharp breath. “Yes, later. I can’t talk now.”

That was all I could manage before lowering the phone. I dropped my head in my hands. My thoughts spun, the beginning of a never-ending search for answers I’d never have. For all my focus these past couple weeks, nothing made sense now. Nothing could, because I’d been in the dark for too long. Our lives hadn’t intersected for years. I had no information, and I likely never would. The puzzle pieces would never fit together.

She was gone. Irrevocably lost. All the guilt, worry, and regret I’d tried so valiantly to put away all crushed down on me at once. I was buried in it.

I dragged myself up the stairs to the apartment and headed straight for my room. I wanted to fall onto the bed and cry until my tears ran dry. I wanted to upend my dresser, break everything, scream, and cry some more. But for the life of me, I couldn’t find that person. I couldn’t find the tears that had come so freely lately.