On My Knees (14 page)

“It’s a concern I have, yeah. I don’t want to rush into things, have her regret it, and freak out.” God knew, I wanted to, but she was cagey enough. The blowback from sleeping together too soon could be enough to push her away for good. The other night had proved that.

“I know you think I don’t know anything about women, but Maya strikes me as the type of person who knows what she wants. Do you think it’s something she wants?”

“I don’t think it. I know it.” She didn’t have to tell me outright, her body had. Small gestures, the subtle reactions of her body, the not-so-subtle reactions of her body. I could have capitalized on any number of them and had her, but still I held back.

“Then what the hell are you waiting for? You’re just giving her more time to come up with some excuse not to, to push you away like you’re already afraid she’s going to.”

“If all I wanted was to get her into bed, I could have done that already. Maybe she deserves time to decide whether or not it’s something she wants. I left her without a word five years ago and never looked back. I’m sure she harbors some doubts about whether this is even a good idea. I sure as hell have.”

“Obviously not enough to stay away.”

“True enough.”

Darren shook his head. “If you care about her that much, Cam, you should just be with her and see what happens.”

I sighed, beginning to feel as tired as Maya had looked when she pulled away from me tonight. I wanted nothing more than to track her down at her apartment and get to the bottom of this, but maybe we both needed a night to think and make sense of what all of this meant between us.

“I’m heading home. Can you cover me tonight?”

“Sure. I’ll see you in the morning.” He waved me off.

I walked home, more certain than I’d ever been that I wanted Maya. There was no question. She wanted me too. Nothing could convince me otherwise. As I walked back home, to what would surely be another restless night, I resolved that whatever had changed in our lives wasn’t enough to keep this from working.

MAYA. I’d spent nearly every weekend in recent memory at the club, partaking in all manner of drunken fun. Eli, Vanessa, and I would glam ourselves up and dance the night away, rain or shine. Every weekend was an adventure. Who would we meet, and what vodka-induced debacle would we get ourselves into? Between the three of us, we’d usually be able to get a good story and a few laughs out of the night. Some nights I’d rather forget, of course. At the rate I was going, tonight could very well be one of those.

While I usually relished the inevitable air of excitement before going out, tonight was different. Bringing Cameron into my world would be strange, and a part of me dreaded it. I didn’t want my world to revolve around his presence, but whenever he was near, it inevitably did. Maybe tonight he’d realize I wasn’t girlfriend material and back off. Where there was drinking involved, anything could happen.

“Almost ready?” Eli poked his head in and handed me a fresh glass of wine. I eagerly accepted it. I needed to take the edge off. The edge was getting duller by the minute but my stomach was still in knots.

“Almost.”

“You look hot.” He smirked, looking pretty fresh himself in leather pants and a tight black v-neck. His hair was expertly gelled and his eyeliner rivaled mine.

With my free hand, I tousled my hair once more. I’d chosen a tight red mini dress and put enough product in my hair to ensure that I looked perfectly windblown and sexy for a night of gyrating. I caked on the eyeliner, eye shadow, and mascara, making a mental note to periodically check myself for raccoon eyes throughout the course of the night.

“I bet Cameron’s never seen you dressed for the club.”

I ignored his comment and put on some sparkly hoop earrings.

Eli leaned against the counter, staring at me. “What’s up with you two? Are we still pretending that you aren’t hot for each other?”

“We can’t keep our hands off each other. Everything’s just moving too fast.”

“That’s never been a complaint of yours before.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Sorry, but I’ve seriously never seen you agonize over a guy like this. Ever.”

“That’s because no one else has been Cameron.” I blew out a breath and fidgeted nervously with the mascara. “I almost pulled a nutty on that yoga chick at the gym. She’s got a thing for him, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. We’re not even officially in any kind of relationship and I’m ready to cut a bitch. It’s too much.”

“Whatever goes on between you is going to be more intense because you’ve already been in a relationship with him.”

“I know that, but I thought I could keep this under control. It’s not under control at all though. I’m already starting to have feelings for him again and it’s way too soon for that.”

“You’ve always had feelings for him.”

“I wasn’t always falling in love with him, and at least for now, I’d like to keep it that way.”

“Don’t you want a second chance at...you know, whatever you had?”

“Part of me wants that, I’ll admit.” I sighed, my heart sinking with what I was about to say. “But if I let myself fall in love with Cameron again and it doesn’t work out, there won’t be enough pieces of me left to put back together.”

Eli’s eyes softened and he held my hand, giving it a small squeeze. His silence spoke volumes. I was a hot mess on a normal day. I couldn’t crawl out of that kind of misery again and possibly survive. I wasn’t letting him anywhere near my heart again. I couldn’t.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I feel like the sexual tension is seriously affecting my ability to think clearly about any of this.”

“And…”

“Maybe I’ll get belligerently drunk and sleep with him tonight. And that’s it. Get it out of my system and move on.” I leaned toward the mirror, rolled light gloss onto my lips, and smacked them together. What had this week been other than a series of opportunities to heighten the already acute attraction between us? Sleeping with Cameron had seemed inevitable. If I ended up drunk and wound up, dragging him to bed with me, then so be it.

“Whoa, honey, do you hear yourself? You’re talking about him like he’s a hookup. I think we both know he’s not. You just said that yourself.”

I shrugged. “Maybe I should start thinking of it that way. Maybe that’s where I’ve been wrong. This is why I don’t date, Eli. This is fucking why. Because of what we had, I let my guard down and let myself believe it could be more. But frankly, I can’t handle more. It’s probably best for both of us to keep this casual.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, hating the flood of emotion. Why the hell couldn’t I be objective about this? I’d managed to keep my heart closed off to men for five years.

The buzzer went off.

“That must be Vanessa,” Eli said quietly.

I took a last look in the mirror and finished off the wine.
This will be fine
, I reassured myself. But like every other Saturday night, I had no idea what the next few hours would bring.

CAMERON. Darren and I grabbed a corner couch at the bar across from the club. We drank our beers in silence while I mulled over his words from last night. I didn’t want to give him any credit, but he’d told me exactly what I wanted to hear.

I had no idea how tonight would go down, but I was determined to let Maya know how I felt. With any luck, we’d end up back at my place, and I could show her. Maybe it was risky, but sometimes our bodies did the talking better than we did. I’d never regretted a night in her bed. I didn’t imagine anything had changed where that was concerned. Visions of her under me clouded my thoughts, and my cock twitched.

Darren elbowed me back to reality. Maya approached with Eli and a beautiful, leggy redhead in tow. If Maya hadn’t been standing next to Eli, I might not have recognized her at all. She looked amazing, but I’d never seen her that way. All made up, her hair wild and untamed, her tight dress mid-thigh. I raked her in, highly aware that I wouldn’t be the only one doing that tonight. Already I could think of nothing else but hiking up her skirt and wrapping her legs around me.

The comfortable silence between Darren and me erupted into an excited chatter among the group. I pulled my thoughts out of the gutter and rose to greet her. Sliding my arm around her waist, I pulled her close and kissed her on the cheek.

“You look incredible.”

“You like the dress?”

“I love it. I’m just not sure how I feel about the rest of the world seeing you in it.”

She offered a slanted smile, her body bending easily into the embrace. Something was off. She lifted her arm and gestured to the redhead.

“Cam, Darren, this is my friend, Vanessa.”

Darren rose quickly and shook her hand, shooting her his signature panty-dropping smile. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise.” She returned the smile, blushing slightly. Her green eyes illuminated as they darted from me to Darren, her gaze lingering on him.

Maya slipped out of my grasp and dropped herself on the opposite couch, pulling Vanessa and Eli down on either side of her. Slighted by the tease of her contact, I sat back down by Darren and nursed my beer.

Eli and the girls huddled over the cocktail menu. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Maya. Her dress left far too little to the imagination now that she was sitting. I imagined sliding a hand up her thigh to the flash of black panties I swore I saw a moment ago.

Darren blew out a quiet whistle. “Oh, man. I’m all over that,” he murmured, too low for anyone but me to hear.

His gaze was locked on Vanessa. I relaxed, grateful she was the one who had his approval. She seemed oblivious to his lascivious appraisal, caught up in ordering when the waitress arrived. Maybe Darren wasn’t going to be the best wingman tonight. Not that I really needed one, but the idea of clubbing sounded a little more bearable with him in the group. Still, I could see this going downhill fast.

I lowered my voice so only he could hear me. “How about you
not
fuck Maya’s best friend and complicate things for me?”

He shot me an annoyed look. “Really? You’re blocking me?” He sized her up again, tightening his jaw. “Does she have any more friends?”

“Go prowl, Darren. I’m sure you’ll find someone drunk enough to fuck you.”

He scoffed, seeming genuinely insulted. “Hey, screw you, man. I’m not that shallow or desperate.”

We were two sides on the same coin sometimes. I didn’t like hearing about any of his frequent and meaningless conquests, and I didn’t expect him to understand my determination to save the only relationship that had ever meant anything to me.

His gaze never left the expanse of Vanessa’s bare toned legs. “How about I play nice?”

I hesitated, trying to imagine what he was proposing. “What does that mean? Get her to fawn all over you and then ditch her when you realize you’re not allowed to sleep with her?”

“No. I’ll be my usual charming self. But we’ll all have a good time as friends. That low-key enough for you, old man?”

I stared at him, skeptical of what he was proposing. I’d never seen him spend time with a woman without having a very singular motive in mind.

“I’ll be good, all right? I get it. I’m not big on drama either, and if you’re going to keep Maya around, I don’t want it to be awkward.” He paused, waiting for me to give him the okay. “You know, I’m capable of interacting with women without taking them straight to bed.” He was getting pissed now, which was good. I wanted him to know I was serious.

“Fine.” I hoped he’d keep to his word.

By the time the three of them had finished off a round of drinks and a small tray of shots, I’d begun to realize what was off with Maya. She was plastered. She leaned lazily against Vanessa and Eli, pressed snugly between her and Eli. She laughed loudly, and while I loved the sound and the way her eyes glittered when she smiled, I couldn’t shake a protective worry over her.

“Should we head out?” Maybe I could get her to sober up at the club. She claimed to have a penchant for dancing the night away.

“Let’s do it!” She hopped up.

We made our way out of the bar and across the street. A sizable line had formed at the club entrance. I groaned inwardly. Standing outside for hours wasn’t my idea of a great Saturday night. “I guess we’re not in a rush.”

“No worries. I don’t do lines. Come here.” Maya flagged the attention of one of the guys at the door who nodded to her.

She joined the bouncer, bounding into his arms for a hug. “Hey, Paul.”

“Hey, baby. How’s it going?”

“Good.”

When I approached, he nodded and held out his hand. I shook it, if only to give him a reason to stop touching her. “I’m Cameron.” The words came out strained because my teeth were clenched.

“Good to meet you. Friend of Maya’s?”

I simply nodded. Something like that.

“Cool. You guys can head in.”

“Thanks, Paul.” Maya smiled and slipped a bill into his palm before disappearing into the noise of the club.

I followed, eager to keep her in my sight. The place was loud and filling quickly. Maya led the way and we found an unoccupied seated area large enough to accommodate our group. Darren immediately posted himself between Eli and Vanessa. Eli seemed to clue in to Darren’s plan and disappeared a few minutes later to mingle.

A cocktail waitress approached and leaned close to Maya to take her order.

“What do you want?” Maya asked me.

“Diet Coke is fine.”

She turned back to the server. “Two Jack and Cokes and a shot of Jager.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Going for a strong start?”

“I’m not letting you drink soda at the club.”

We settled back into the couch next to each other. I draped my arm over her shoulders, lightly grazing the bare skin of her arm. She leaned into me, tracing circles into the fabric of my pants at the knee. Her bright energy seemed to dim.

I tightened around her shoulders, bringing her closer. “What’s going on in that mind of yours?”

She lifted her gaze to mine.

Before I could press her, she looked away. Her eyes narrowed over Darren and Vanessa, now pressed firmly against each other. Vanessa was laughing, and Darren was at her ear, telling her God knew what. So much for self-restraint.