On My Knees (32 page)

I almost laughed at my foolish hope when Cameron’s grip on my hand tightened. He leaned in. “You’re being really rude, you know that?”

Diane frowned. “Nonsense. I’m saying what everyone here is thinking. And don’t talk to me that way. I’m still your mother.”

“No, actually, you should apologize to her, right now.”

“I’ll do no such thing.” Her voice lashed across the table like a whip.

Cameron’s jaw clenched tight, his breath nearly audibly as he seethed. “You’ll apologize to her, or we’re leaving and you’ll be lucky if you’re welcome in my home ever, let alone in another year.”

She held his gaze, unwavering. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not apologizing to this girl. Why she means anything at all to you is beyond me.”

“She’s not some girl.”

Her lazy gaze slid over to me. “No? She looks like some girl to me. You could have half a dozen just like her. I’m not impressed. I wasn’t then, and I’m not now. You aim too low.”

I tugged on his hand. “Cameron, let’s go.” They’d both gone too far, said too much. Much as I wanted to see him berate the bitch that was his mother, nothing good could come of us staying.

He barely acknowledged me except to bring me up with him as he rose. “This isn’t your life. You have
no
right to pass judgment on her, or on any of us for that matter.”

She straightened, as if the stick up her ass wasn’t propping her up enough. “You’re my children. It’s my job to want the best for you.”

“You’re doing a great job of driving us all out of your lives, and that’s about all you’re any good at. I don’t expect you to understand, but maybe one day you’ll get the picture when she’s my wife. You’d be lucky to call her your daughter. Until you can come to grips with that, stay out of my life.”

She shook her head, the look of disgust plain. “You’d marry her just to spite us?”

An angry, frustrated growl tore from his throat, and he walked away, pulling me after him.

CAMERON. We walked across the street into the park in silence. We slowed at the bridge. The old stone walls bowed over the stream, every surface bathed in a moonlit glow. Wind whipped through the air enough to chill me, yet neither of us moved. Blond wisps of her hair flew around her beautiful face.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded. Her jaw was strong, but couldn’t hide the defeated look in her eyes. Her gaze lingered everywhere but never found me.

“I’m sorry.” I paused, wishing she could know how sorry I really was. “I shouldn’t have brought you there. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I had no idea my mother was already going to be lit and lash out like that. Olivia has been venting to her. I’m sure that didn’t help matters. Now you know, anyway, what I’m up against with them. They won’t let up—”

“Stop.” She held up a hand. “It’s fine.”

“It’s
not
fine. She was terrible to you. I’ll never forgive her for the things she said.”

She let out a tired laugh. “The sad thing is that she’s right. You have tension with them, but I’ll never belong in that world.”

I frowned. “Neither will I.”

“It’s different for you. I can dress the part, but under it all, I’m still some poor girl who’s climbing her way up. You were born into a successful family with so much going for you. You’ve lived a different life and struck out on your own. I admire that. I’ve done it too, you know, in my own way. But you shouldn’t alienate them for my sake.”

“I was alienating them before you came back into my life. What they think has no bearing on how I feel about you. It never did. Regardless, their unattainable expectations only seem to drive a wedge between us, which is all the more reason to shut them out.”

“You may regret that one day.”

I wouldn’t, but I knew what she meant. She’d never had the luxury of shutting out her family. What lengths would she travel to have her mother back in her life, even with all of her shortcomings?

“No, but they probably will. I’m not changing my life to make them comfortable. I meant what I said in there, about us.”

“You shouldn’t have said it. They’re probably freaking out.”

I took a step closer, grasping her hands in mine. She was trembling, maybe from the cold.

“All I care about right now is being with you.”

“I want to be with you too. I wish I didn’t care what they think of me, honestly, but a part of me hates that I’ll never be what they want for you. That they’ll be disappointed in you because of me.”

I tipped her chin, lifting her gaze to mine. Searching her eyes, I wished for an answer to the question I hadn’t had the courage to ask again.

“You’re what I want. You’re everything to me. The good, the bad, and every moment in between. Everything we’ve been through has made us who we are, and I wouldn’t change a minute of it because I love you so much right now it hurts.” I swallowed hard before freeing my next words. “I want everything we had and more. I want this...us, forever.”

“Cam.” Her lip quivered.

I traced its curve as her mouth fell open. I wanted to pull her closer, to kiss away every insecurity she ever had. But I had to tell her everything. I had to get the words out, even though this wasn’t remotely how I’d planned it.

My lips went dry. I fought to breathe. Nerves, the weight of our past, like a bag of stones pressed down on my lungs. I reached into my pocket and retrieved a small black velvet box. I held it loosely between us, my fingers not quite ready to release it yet. I tensed, every instinct held me back and shoved me forward at once.

“I love you, Maya. I’ve always loved you. Every part of you, no matter what you think or what anyone says. The day I met you, something drew me to you. And I haven’t found anything like it since. I’m not in love with who you used to be, or who you strive to be. I’m in love with your soul. That’s all I see. Nothing and no one is going to ever change that.”

When I looked back to her, tears brimmed her eyes. She shook her head and something like dread seized me.

“Please...don’t, Cameron. Not now. I can’t do this, not with everything else that’s happening right now.”

A tear slid down her cheek. I wiped it away. My heart broke for her, for both of us. Why couldn’t I fucking get this right? Was I living under some sort of curse? I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I drew in a steadying breath.

“Marry me, and we’ll face it together. That’s all I’ve wanted from the beginning.”

“You don’t need to be dealing with all my baggage, problems that I still need to work through.”

“I’ll tell you what I need. You. You’re all I need. I can’t fucking sleep at night without you next to me. I can’t think straight when things aren’t right between us. My life has been a goddamn wreck since the day I left you. I want us both to finally be happy again.”

“If it doesn’t work... I can’t live with hurting you again.”

I sighed, fighting the wave of emotion that hit me. “Then don’t… Say yes. Marry me, and I promise you that we will make it work this time. We’ll get through whatever crap life throws at us. Together.”

Her eyes glittered with emotion, tears that she could no longer hold back slid down her cheeks.

“Maya. Baby, I’m asking for your heart, and the promise that I’ll always have it. After all we’ve been through, that doesn’t seem like too much. You said you loved me, that you wanted to be with me. Prove it. Let’s make this real.”

She didn’t need to say anything, because I could sense the answer. Her gaze lowered to the box that I still held firmly. Would it matter if I opened it, or would that simply deepen the old wound of her refusal? I shoved the box back in my pocket. The motion felt like I was putting my heart back into my body after I’d held it out in the cold for her to take, to keep.

“I’m sorry. Cameron, Dermott fired me today. Between that and your parents, and now this...” She stared down at the ground between us, her shoulders bowed. “I love you and I’m not saying no, but I need time to sort through my life. Everything is off kilter. I’m literally reeling, and I can’t tell up from down, let alone make a lifelong commitment. I’m begging you to give me time to make sense of all of this.”

My throat tightened. I was in disbelief that we could be in this place again. I tried not to think about the last time we’d been here. Everything played out in slow motion and I analyzed each step, each word, scared to death it would lead us out of each other’s lives again.

She sighed heavily. Her dark eyes were a billboard for how emotionally destroyed she must have felt in that moment, and I was right there with her.

Time.

That was it. I could give her that, right? As much as I wanted an answer, yearned for the simple affirmation and to know deep down that she meant it, I convinced myself that I could wait a little longer for it.

She hadn’t said no. She hadn’t rebuffed the admittedly half-baked proposal. I hadn’t even shown her the goddamn ring. Not that it would have mattered, but I wasn’t exactly doing this by the book. Again.

“Okay,” I finally said.

She looked up, worry written all over her face.

“I’ll wait. Take the time you need. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

Unmistakable relief glimmered in her eyes. I pulled her close, warming us, making myself believe that she’d come back to me if I let her go this time.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

MAYA. I woke early and with purpose. The dawning morning was a dim mixture of pink and gray. Untouched white snow blanketed the trees. I took a snapshot in my mind, knowing the quiet beauty wouldn’t last.

I shuffled around the apartment, making coffee and toast for breakfast. My body had become used to rising early, and thanks to some miracle of willpower, I had no hangover to sleep off. Now that my world was effectively turned upside down, I was fiercely determined not to muddle it further.

Finally I sat down at the coffee table. The two notebooks lay open in front of me—Cameron’s gift and my own, the one he’d read. I still wondered how much he’d read, but I pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter. Today had nothing to do with guilt or arguing with the past or lamenting circumstances that were well beyond my control. I was determined to start the slow and overwhelming process of rebuilding my life. That meant facing my past in a way I never fully had before.

With all the idealism of an optimist writing out his new year’s resolutions, I resolved that today would be the beginning of a new me. And I had the good sense to know I wasn’t the new me yet, and that I was going to have to work to find that person. I was grateful and utterly relieved that Cameron had accepted my indecision last night. I genuinely needed time, and time was the only thing that would put me in the right place to give him the answer he needed, the answer I so badly wanted to give him. I had no idea when that might be. I only hoped he could wait for me to get there.

Over the course of the morning, I filled the new notebook with final copies of the scribblings that had cluttered my original spiral bound. The thoughts were clean. Instead of shaming the words—whether or not Cameron’s eyes had grazed them—I’d given them a place to live, and hopefully, to rest.

The book had represented years of fleeting moments, the deep toil of emotions around Cameron, my mother, work, and the unknown future. Until recently, I’d barreled ahead through so much of that pain with little to no regard for my health or any adult kind of respect for my life and the people in it. I refused to accept that as my reality any more.

I finished, tossed the old notebook in the trash, and placed the new leather bound copy on the shelf next to my favorite books and photos. I’d spent the morning reliving every emotion in every word. Now, I was ready to start living my future.

I spent the next week wasting afternoons in cafes, writing more, thinking, researching job possibilities. Dreaming. I walked everywhere. Unhurried, cold, and sobering walks that took me to places in the city I’d never bothered going before. Everything was open and possible. I only had to choose my path.

Dermott finally sent the agreement with the glowiest recommendations I’d ever read, which gave me no small amount of satisfaction. I’d signed it, more grateful than ever that I’d never grace that office again. I didn’t rule out the possibility of crossing paths with them in the future, but I hoped that enough time would go by first to fade some of the resentment I now harbored.

Eli was out with his new boyfriend most nights. I mostly read and slept in the evenings. Cameron and I talked once a day. I even popped into the gym a few times to help him get his taxes sorted. His lack of organization was staggering, and being handed the task of straightening it all out was unexpectedly fulfilling. I was enjoying the reprieve from work, but I desperately needed an occupation. That much was becoming clear.

Much to Cameron’s surprise, I worked out of my own volition. I did my yoga and pretended that Raina wasn’t teaching it. In a further attempt to keep things on an even keel, I reassured myself that my recent absence wasn’t providing an opening for her to make a renewed try for Cameron’s affections.

We were taking time, but nothing had lessened the strength of my feelings for him. I saw the asking in his eyes. He invited me to dinner, but I turned him down as politely as I could. I wanted nothing more than to spend time with him, but he clouded everything with the addictive pull he had over me, the drug that was loving him. At least for now, I clung to the clarity this break was giving me, determined to find and solidify the person I needed to be before rushing back into his arms.

CAMERON. Olivia brought the last of the dishes to the table. Darren dug in without ceremony, piling her homemade pasta onto his plate like a starved man. Olivia smiled.

“Looks great, Liv. Thanks.”

“No problem. We haven’t had a family dinner in awhile.” Her smile faded a second later, her gaze flashing to me. “I mean...”

“It’s okay. This is what I consider a family dinner anyway.”

The next few moments passed in awkward silence as we ate. I contemplated that night with our parents, warring with who to blame for how it all turned out. At first I’d blamed Olivia for raising concern to begin with, prompting the second of two visits I’d considered entirely unnecessary. I even considered blaming Darren for not being there to run interference, but even his easy charm wouldn’t have distracted Diane from saying what she had.