On Becoming Her Sir (20 page)

“Right,” Luke countered.

“Stop being a fucking martyr. Doesn’t suit you at all.”

Sighing, Luke shook his head. “I can’t take anymore bullshit. I’m done with pretending.”

“Then listen to me. Just… Just listen.” Bart folded his arms, a rush of adrenaline sweeping through him. “Okay. I pushed her hard. I pulled out all the stops to try and get Jessie to fall for me. She just bit back at me every step of the way. Made me want her more. Seeing you two together made me want to be you.” He laughed, the bitter sound in his tone surprising even him. “Isn’t that fucking pathetic?”

“Well, you’re right about Marla. She doesn’t deserve the bullshit you’re serving up.” Luke sighed.

“I get it. Okay? I take the damn responsibility!” He sucked in his breath as he caught the nasty looks from people walking by. They stood silently for a full minute.

“This isn’t going to do us any good. Jessie is fighting for her life.”

“Christ. Is her condition that bad?”

Luke shifted and turned to face him. “There’s a possibility Jessie is… That she’s... Jessie could be brain dead. They won’t know until after they run some tests.”

“Oh fuck.” Bart hadn’t anticipated anything so serious. A roar of anger, frustration and a feeling of self-loathing rushed through him. “When will you know?”

“Hopefully tomorrow. If she doesn’t wake up then they’ll do the tests.”

Another full moment of tension passed by. “Suzzana.”

“We’re not talking about her.”

“And you know you need to. You need to talk to someone.”

“Like I attempted to with my best friend to try and garner some help, some understanding at minimum?” Luke demanded, his voice raising. “Like I did the night it happened, the night she…”

“Say the words. Say them!” The growl was strangled. He glared at Luke, hopeful the man would say something. Any-fucking-thing.

“Let it go.”

“Oh for God’ sake. You have to get this out. You didn’t do anything on purpose. You didn’t try to hurt her and I was wrong. I was fucking wrong.”

Slapping his hand on the glass Luke snarled. “If I seem to remember the exact words they were ‘you made your own fucking mess, you deal with the shit’. Am I right? Did I not hear you correctly that night when I was fucking begging you to help me? To be my friend. What a dumb shit I was. To think you could look outside of yourself.”

Bart glanced over his shoulder as the gawkers moved closer. Everyone loved a good fight. He sniffed and looked out at the skyline. There were so many things he needed to say, should say. Yet they were way past anything that could mend their friendship. After all, he’d fucked it all up. “I told you. I was wrong.”

“Do you know what I went through? Do you have any idea after you shunned me what I had to deal with?”

“No, I don’t. None. And you know why? Because I was a fucking coward.”

“Yeah. You were and still are.” Luke lowered his head. “I lost Suzzana because I was angry. I allowed my anger at knowing she slept with you to interfere with everything, including my rational behavior. You were right about one thing. I had no one to blame but myself, including right now. The biggest mistake? Allowing you back into my trusted world. That’s the very reason Jessie is lying in a coma. For that alone I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Luke. Just stop. Okay? You didn’t do anything. You could never lose control and you would never have hurt Suzzana. And she didn’t sleep with me. She was just like Jessie. You wanna know the truth?”

“As if you could tell it.”

Bart shot him a look. “Suzzana told me that night I was a fucking asshole and she was going to make certain you never had another thing to do with me. I think she was going to ruin me not only in your eyes but in all of our friends. I was so damn arrogant and confident she’d come racing back to me I let her go that night. I should have called you, told you what happened. My God,” he whispered. “She was doing nothing more than protecting your honor.”

“But…”

Bart sniffed as the tears slipped from his eyes. The words tumbled out. “Suzzana came over to tell me she was going to tell you about my advances, about how horrible of a person I was. She was right just as Jessie is right. I can’t hide behind the fact I’m nothing but a horrible person any longer.” He could see the night clearly, the cloudless sky, the way the stars were shining. When Suzzana had arrived he’d been delighted, longing to share the night with her. “She came to see me and the tables were turned. She told me she’d been using me to find out if I was a good man or not. I laughed and things got heated.”

“What do you mean heated?”

“She was pissed. I was furious and things got a little out of hand.” He would never get the sight of her beautiful face, one full of fear out of his mind.

Luke bristled and moved closer. “What are you trying to tell me?”

For all the years of hiding, all the stories he’d allowed his mind and soul to believe, when he finally forced himself to find the details he’d been mortified. “Things got ugly. She slapped me and I pushed her. We struggled and something happened. I can’t explain it.”

“You fucking asshole!”

Bart held out his hand. “Let me finish. Suzzana started having trouble breathing. I thought I had done something but she moved away from me, saying her reaction was a condition, something she hadn’t experienced in a long time. I don’t know. I didn’t think anything of it until you called that night. I still didn’t put the pieces together until recently, when I was talking to Marla about everything. I just… I should have talked to you, told you but I was hiding. I just…”

Luke gasped and placed his hand over his heart. His body shaking, his eyes darted back and forth across Bart’s. “No.”

“Yeah. So you see, you have to talk to Jessie. You have to tell her that nothing is your fault or her fault. Everything bad that’s happened in your life is because of me. I’m the one to blame. I’m the man who’s the monster. And while I can’t do anything to fix what’s happened, maybe me telling you will give you a small amount of peace, a knowing. Maybe this will also give you the courage to talk with Jessie, confide in her all that you believe to be true. Now you know.” Bart felt a huge sense of relief, a quiet calm, but in his new sense of comfort he realized he didn’t deserve any happiness or relief. What he deserved – what was required for his abhorrent behavior was something permanent.

Looking away he shuddered and fell against the glass, tears burning as they rolled down his cheeks. “All this time.”

“I know. I’ll never forgive myself. I can promise you only this, I will never bother you again. I’m giving my portion of the business to the three of you. That is if you’ll sign the contract. I’m walking away and trying to find the man I think I used to be.” The lie sounded hollow even to the monster bridging the surface of humanity. There was nothing left to care about.

Luke darted him a look. “I don’t know what to say. Right now I just need you to get the fuck away from me, from Jessie. Do you hear me?” His voice boomed.

“Yeah.”

“Then go. Just fucking go.”

“You’re right. You don’t have to say anything. I only hope what I told you allows some level of closure.” When Luke remained quiet Bart wiped his eyes. “Take care of her. She’s a remarkable woman.”

“She is.”

The look between them lingered. As Bart turned away he heard Luke hiss.’

“What are you looking for?” Luke breathed.

“What am I looking for?”

“Yeah. Forgiveness, absolution?”

Bart clucked his jaw. “Your happiness.” He slowly made his way to the bank of elevators, his heart heavy. As he waited he studied his friend, one who’d been there for him so many times, and this time he allowed the tears to fall. The moment he stepped onto the empty steel box he was drawn toward a directory. Inching closer he studied the listings, pressing his finger across the items until he found what he was looking for – the chapel. He burst into laughter and took a long stride back.

A chill raced down his spine, one that pushed him hard against the back wall. A light, a horrible, translucent shimmer seemed to rush in front of his face. For a few seconds he could see so many things clearly including the future. While he should be very afraid he was somehow in a quiet place, one of reverence for the first time. A flash of what he’d been, the man he’d turned into was telling, but the truth might just indeed set him free. There would be no forgiveness, no salvation, only the bitter peace and the single gift of the truth. “What the fuck. Yeah.”

Tonight was the beginning of the rest of his life – however short lived. He was going to become a better man.

Chapter Eight

Two days had turned into three, then four, and still there was no sign that Jessie was going to wake up. Luke heard the nurse come and going, her heels clipping on the dense tile a comforting sound. He honed in on the petite woman’s usual every two-hour check and couldn’t manage to turn around to ask any questions. Every one he’d been asking had been met with the same – ‘they didn’t know’. While Jessie had come through the surgery fine, her vitals continued to remain iffy, forcing her surgeon to place her on a ventilator. A ventilator. “Fuck me,” he whispered, his mind reeling at the understanding. At least today she was resting more comfortably. Doctor Taylor had finally convinced him to allow tests. Her doctors had to know if there was any brain activity. Yeah, he did as well.

He rubbed his eyes and bit back the bile that seemed to remain in his mouth. Food and drink had no taste. When he heard the door close, he turned back toward his beloved and tears sprung to his eyes. His beautiful Jessie was pale, so frail. There was nothing more that he wanted than you gather her into his arms, protect and cherish her. Now he… “No, you won’t think this way.” Dropping onto the chair beside her, he pressed his hand over her forehead, moving away imaginary strands of hair. “You’re going to be fine. I’m right here. I’m not leaving. I love you and that’s it. We’re going to get through this together. The doctors are pretty good here,” he whispered as he laughed. “Yeah, pretty damn good.”

Intertwining their fingers, he brought her hand to his mouth, kissing her palm. “I love you. Did I tell you that enough? Did I share with you all the joys you give me? Did I really show you how much our journey together means? I don’t know if I did. You mean the world to me. Everything we share is incredible. I am nothing without you.”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Fighting not to shove the ugly machine out the window Luke sniffed and plastered a smile on his face. He pressed his cheek against her cool skin, pushing her fingers against his lips as he tugged the blanket up from her waist. “You’re so pretty today. I just wish we could talk. I miss hearing your voice, the way you laugh.” What in the hell was he jabbering about? Shit. That’s what. Jessie didn’t need to hear this kind of crap.

Jessie moaned, the soft sound pushing past her chapped lips.

He shot his head up, his entire body shaking. “Jessie?”

“Mmm…”

“Oh God. You’re waking up. Jessie. “ Shifting forward on the chair he rubbed her hard roughly as he leaned over. “Come on, honey. Wake up for me. Wake up.” Was there eye movement? Yes, there was. God. God.
God!

“Luke.”

Luke shook his head over and over again. “She’s waking up. My God she’s…” Seeing Doctor Taylor’s face, his instant glee fell. “What? She moaned. That means she’s waking up.”

“Luke, what you witnessed is no doubt involuntarily. That’s what usually happens. Not a bad sign, but nothing to get your hopes up with. Do you understand?”

“Jessie is anything but the norm. She’s different. Amazing.” He wasn’t a fucking two year old.
Then stop acting like one.

Doctor Taylor smiled. “I know. I just don’t want you to think there’s anything more than what is probably happening.”

“No. No. I’m not going to listen to listen. I understand you mean well, but I refuse. Do you understand?” He gripped her hand, digging his nails into her skin. “Jessie. Hear me. It’s time to wake up now. You have to.”

“I understand.”

“As if you could,” Luke breathed. A full minute passed by. He closed his eyes, doing everything he could to reach out to her with his mind.

“I do. My wife was killed in a traffic accident four years ago. She hung on in a coma for almost three months. Letting her go was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my life,” Doctor Taylor choked.

Hearing the anguish, the same pain as he was feeling was disheartening more than anything. Luke lifted his head and realized they were both haunted men. “I’m sorry.”

“She’s in a better place.”

Luke clucked his jaw. His Jessie wasn’t going to that place. Not now.

“Luke, we really need to talk. I know how tough this is, but I want…no I need for you to comprehend some aspects of her condition.”

“Yeah? I comprehend enough, doctor. I need to stay with her. She has to see me when she wakes up.” Luke could hear the anguish in his voice.

Doctor Taylor sighed as he moved closer to the bed. Peering down he shook his head, now unable to look Luke in the eyes. “Luke, she’s not going to wake up. The test results came back. There’s no brain activity.”

“What?” The words echoed in his ears.

“I’m so very sorry.”

“No, no. Oh fuck no! She just moaned and moved. I could see her eyes rolling back and forth.” There was no way. He didn’t hear the words. She was okay. His Jessie was going to be okay. God damn it! She was going to be okay. Tears washed down his face as the anguish of what he was hearing settled in.

“She’s going to have involuntary movements. That’s what happens.”

“She’s doing so much better. You told me she’d have ups and downs.”

“Luke, her body is starting to shut down.”

“No. NO! I refuse to believe this bullshit. Do you hear me? You don’t understand my Jessie. She will
not
give up the fight. Don’t you get it?” Luke demanded as he glared at the doctor. The look on the man’s face would forever remain evocative.

Doctor Taylor half smiled as he nodded over and over again. “There are some miracles given a brain injury isn’t an exact science, but I don’t want to get your hopes up.”