Of Love & Regret (27 page)

Luckily, because
of the dense crowd, it was easy to escape without Kristina seeing me. I
breathed a sigh of relief when I reached the sidewalk. My relief was
short-lived, however, and I walked blindly down the street, not really sure
where I was going. I couldn’t believe what I had allowed to happen. I could feel
Logan’s semen drip out of me onto my panties as I walked, and I felt a confusing
mixture of shame and remembered desire.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
I was alone, but I knew who I was talking to. But Cassie would never be able to
answer back.

Chapter Twenty

I looked up nervously at the roller coaster
that seemed to stretch up until it touched the sky. The thought of riding down
the steep hills made my stomach turn.

“I don’t know if I want to get on that,” I
said nervously. I had never understood Cassie’s love of roller coasters, and I
usually declined riding the larger ones whenever we went to an amusement park.
“I think I need to have a last will and testament before I get on something
like that.”

Cassie laughed. “C’mon. It’ll be fun! The
best thing to do is to scream your head off while you’re on it. It makes it
bearable.”

I grimaced. “Bearable. That sounds just like
my type of fun.”

“Just try it,” she pleaded. “I swear you
won’t regret it. It’ll be my birthday present.”

“Does that mean you’re going to give me back
the necklace I already gave you?” I smirked at her.

She grabbed the necklace around her neck as
she tried to look offended, but it soon dissolved into laughter. “Okay,
consider it my second birthday present.”

I sighed, but I knew it was inevitable. It
was always hard for me to say no to Cassie, and she seemed hell bent on getting
me on the mammoth roller coaster today. I flushed as guilt washed over me. I owed
her a lot more than a roller coaster ride. I had betrayed her in the worst possible
way, and I was going to hurt her immensely when I told her the truth. The least
I could do was make today as fun as possible. I was afraid that this would be
the last happy memory I would have with her once I confessed. I wanted to make
it as memorable as I could.

“Alright,” I said, trying to sound
begrudging. “But don’t blame me if I throw up on both of us.”

Cassie squealed in excitement and took my
hand, dragging me to the line. It took a while for us to actually get on the
roller coaster since it was a busy day, and the wait just gave my nerves a
chance to worsen.

“Are you ready?” she asked excitedly when we
were finally seated in our car. The workers were busy checking to make sure our
seat restraints were secure, and I suppressed the urge to beg them to check
mine more than once.

“Not really, but there’s no turning back now.”

“When we’re going down a steep descent, just
scream like crazy. It’ll keep your stomach from having the sensation of
flipping over itself. It’s also a great way to release all the crap in your
head. That’s why I love roller coasters so much. In that moment, when you’re
rushing down at a dizzyingly high speed, nothing else exists but your soul.
You’re weightless and bodiless, and your mind empties of everything except for the
feeling of flying.”

I gave Cassie a skeptical look. “You get all
of that out of a roller coaster ride? I’d rather go to therapy. It’s safer and
on the ground.”

She laughed but didn’t say anything else. I
tensed as the roller coaster started to move. Of course Cassie had convinced me
that we should sit in the front car so there was nothing between us and certain
death.

I managed the small dips pretty well, but I
hated the fluttering feeling it gave me in the pit of my stomach. The small
hills were nothing compared to the steep incline we were currently climbing,
and my anxiety level rose to an all-new high. I white-knuckled the bar of my
seat restraint so hard that I wouldn’t have been surprised if I was breaking
blood vessels in my hands.

“Remember to scream,” Cassie yelled over the
wind and mechanical noises of the roller coaster. “’Scream your freaking head
off.”

We reached the top of the steep hill and paused
there for a moment. I cursed the sadistic designers of this roller coaster who
wanted to give us plenty of time to be scared shitless before we made the fall.

Suddenly, we plunged down and I followed
Cassie’s advice, screaming as loudly as I could. My screams released all the
tension in my body, and soon my screams were interspersed with laughter.
Expelling all that sound somehow made my stomach remain steady, and I felt
gravity leave me as I was pushed into weightlessness. Nothing existed except
the wind in my face and my screams, which sounded distant to my own ears. I
felt incredibly free with nothing weighing me down. No guilt. No shame. No
self-loathing. Just freedom.

The descents on the rest of the roller
coaster were minor, and soon we were back at the loading area as the cars
stopped with a jolt. Cassie turned to me, her face wind-kissed and framed by
wisps of hair that had escaped her ponytail. Her brown eyes sparkled and she
looked happy and carefree.

“See? It wasn’t so bad.”

“Yeah, I’m still alive,” I joked.

Cassie’s expression turned serious. “What’s
the point of living if you never feel free?”

I woke with a
sudden start from the memory. It had been a long time since I had dreamed about
that last birthday before Cassie had killed herself. It had been such a happy
day, but now when I thought back on it, I also saw the large clues that I had
missed because I was too preoccupied with my own problems.

I pushed the
memory aside as I groggily got out of bed. I had tossed and turned all night,
and the last thing I remembered was looking at my alarm clock to see that it
was well past four o’clock. It was now just barely seven o’clock, but I knew I
couldn’t go back to sleep. Even if I were able to, I was afraid to dream about
Cassie again.

I had turned my
phone off last night, and when I turned it back on, I saw that I had a
voicemail and several texts from Logan. I steeled myself as I read his texts.

We need to talk. Call me when you get this.

Turn your damn phone on. It keeps going
straight to voicemail. I know you’re not sleeping.

If you don’t call me soon I’m just going to
show up at your apartment.

The last text had
been sent not too long ago. I listened to his voicemail, which had been
recorded late last night, before he sent the texts. An involuntary shiver went
down my spine as I listened to his deep voice. It reminded me of what we had
done at the bar, and I couldn’t deny how good it had felt.

I need to talk to you. You asked me for one
more chance a year ago, and I turned you away because I was too hurt. I wanted
you to feel as much pain as I did. Now I’m asking you for one last chance, and
I hope you won’t do the same to me. Dammit, Maddie, we’ve wasted enough time
apart. Call me as soon as you get this. I’m not going to let you avoid me.

I was nervous that
he was going to show up at my door any minute. I quickly texted him to prevent
that from happening.

Let’s give it a few days to clear our heads.
We’ll talk then.

I wasn’t surprised
when he immediately texted back, but I was surprised by the contents of his
message.

I’m outside your building. Let me in when I
buzz up.

Panic seized me.
How long had he been waiting outside my apartment building? I wasn’t prepared
to face him now but I doubted he would just go away. I dropped my phone when
the buzzer sounded. I rushed over to the intercom and pressed the button to
speak.

“This isn’t a good
time. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.”

I let go of the
button and tensed as I listened to his reply.

“I’m prepared to
stand out here all damn day. Sooner or later, someone is going to enter or
leave the building, and then I’ll be waiting outside your apartment door. It’ll
be much easier if you just let me in so we can talk about this face-to-face.
But I’m prepared to do it the hard way, if that’s what you force me to do.”

I groaned as I
rested my head against the wall. I had a feeling that denying Logan entry would
just escalate the situation, so I reluctantly pressed the button to unlock the
entrance of the building.

I barely had time
to think about changing before a loud knock sounded on my door. I felt
vulnerable in the skimpy shorts and t-shirt I had worn to bed, but there was
nothing I could do about it now. I also knew that my hair looked a mess, and I
wasn’t exactly glowing this morning, but that was the least of my concerns.

I felt a rush of
conflicting emotions when I opened the door and saw Logan standing there. A
part of me wanted to fall into his arms but another part of me wanted to slam
the door in his face.

Instead, I just
stepped back to let him inside. He didn’t say a word as he walked in and
followed me into the living room. I leaned against the sofa instead of sitting
down, not wanting to give him the impression that this was going to be a long,
drawn-out conversation. He stopped a few feet in front of me, his eyes raking
down my body. I felt naked in my outfit that didn’t cover much and resisted the
urge to cross my arms against my chest.

“Why did you turn
your phone off?”

I shrugged at his
question. “I told you I needed some time to think.”

“I’m ending things
with Kristina today.”

It was confusing
to feel both pleasure and pain at his statement. The thought of Logan wanting
to be with me gave me an undeniable thrill, but the steps he was going to have
to take to make that happen was hard for me to accept. Even though I had just
met Kristina, it was hard not to equate her with Cassie.

“You promised you
would wait until we had a chance to talk about it.”

“We’re talking
about it now. We never said you had to agree to it. Just that we would talk
again before I did it.”

My gaze dropped to
my hands. “It’s not that I don’t want us to be together. Why does there always
have to be so much collateral damage for us to be happy?”

Logan reached out
and cradled my head in his hand, lifting my face up to look at him. “It’s
better for me to do it now, before things get any messier.” His thumb gently
stroked my cheek. “Did you think about me last night? All I could think about
was you. I barely slept.”

I frowned at him
as a vision of him and Kristina together invaded my thoughts. “What about
Kristina?”

He knew what I was
asking without me having to explicitly say it. My accusatory tone was
ridiculous considering his obligations were to her, not me, but I couldn’t help
feeling jealous.

“I made the excuse
of having a lot of work to do and then when I finally did get some sleep, I
fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t get much sleep since I woke up pretty early
to come over here.”

I didn’t ask him
how long he had been waiting outside my apartment building. I didn’t think I
wanted to know.

His hand slipped
down, brushing against my neck before moving further down. I gasped when he
cupped my breast through my thin t-shirt, flicking his thumb across my nipple
that immediately hardened.

“You’re not
wearing a bra,” he said simply as he continued caressing me.

“This isn’t
helping,” I said in a strained voice although I didn’t pull away. “We’re
supposed to be talking right now.”

“Go ahead. Talk.”

I whimpered as he
rolled my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. “I can’t talk while you’re
doing that!”

He gave me a
half-smile. “Okay, I won’t do that anymore then.”

He dipped his head
and replaced his fingers with his mouth, moving his hand to support my back. I
hissed as I felt the warmth of his mouth through my shirt, dampening the
material so that it was barely a barrier.

I felt helpless
against the sensations invading my body but I made a last attempt to grab at
the pieces of my sanity. I gripped his shoulders, and although I didn’t push
him away, it helped to ground me a little.

“I’m serious. We
need to talk and that’s impossible with what you’re doing. We can’t just fix
everything with sex.”

“I’m not trying to
fix anything,” Logan said as he raised his head, his eyes glittering with desire.
“Our problems will still be here after I make love to you. We can talk about it
afterwards.”

I wasn’t sure if I
agreed with his reasoning, since sex just made things more complicated, but my
body refused to cooperate with my mind when he returned his attention to my
nipple. He scraped his teeth against the taut bud and somehow the material of
my shirt just heightened the sensation. My head tipped back as I moaned, lost
in a whirlpool of desire. I let go of everything besides my desire to be with
Logan because it was impossible to do anything else.

“Talk dirty to
me,” I whispered. Although I felt shy saying those words, they just slipped out
of my mouth of their own volition. I had been incredibly turned on when he had
spoken plainly and crudely to me last night, and I couldn’t deny the desire to
hear him speak to me that way again. Instead of it feeling demeaning, it made
me feel empowered and outrageously hot.

Logan raised his
head and gave me a look of supreme male satisfaction. The gleam in his eye told
me how much my request had pleased him and he obliged with an intensity that
set me on fire.

“Take your shirt
off so I can suck on your nipples without it in the way,” he commanded in a low
voice. I followed his order and gripped the bottom of my shirt, pulling it over
my head and throwing it to the floor. He gazed down at my bared breasts,
lifting his hand to graze a tightened peak. “Do you know how pretty they are?
They’re made for me to bite and suck on.” He glanced back up at me, his eyes
dark. “Beg me to suck on them.”

I felt myself
flush, both from arousal and bashfulness. My lust won out, and I heard myself
speak, the words coming more easily than I thought they would. “Please suck my
nipples. Suck on them and bite them until I go crazy.”