Obsession (26 page)

That's the problem
, he mused.
Maybe it would be easier to figure out the answer if I just knew what it was I was looking for. I wish I could talk to Toni about it, ask her what she meant when she said she worships the God of Israel, ask her opinion on the
Tanakh,
or the Old Testament, as
she probably calls it. I wonder if she even has an opinion on it. Do Christians read it much? Or do they stick to their so-called New Testament? Aunt Sophie once told me the New Testament is full of a lot of lies about the prophet Jesus and his followers, and a lot of anti-Semitism. If that's so, how can someone who believes in it say she worships the God of Israel?

Laying his fork in his bowl, he buried his face in his hands. “I don't understand, God. There is so much I don't understand. If you're real, if you're there, if you're listening, please… show me. I really want to know the truth.”

The Portland airport was as much a mess as ever. Toni wondered if they would ever finish the remodeling that had been going on for years. April's flight from Colorado Springs had been delayed, and Toni had spent the better part of two hours waiting at the terminal. She checked her watch again. Almost three o'clock. The plane should be arriving at the gate any minute. If all went well, they could still make it home by five o'clock, in plenty of time to relax a bit before Brad showed up with their dinner. In response to Melissa's pleas, he had agreed to bring Chinese food, which was fine with Toni. It meant she wouldn't have to go home and cook, and she was sure April would be too tired from her trip to want to go out anywhere.

It was almost 3:15 before the announcement of April's flight came over the loudspeaker, and closer to 3:30 before Toni was able to welcome her with a warm embrace. “April, it's so good to see you again. I just wish—”

“I know, my dear,” April interrupted, her voice laced with a sad resignation. “I wish the circumstances were different too. But we can't change the facts, can we?” She stepped back and looked at Toni. “You look wonderful, as always. I'm sorry you had to wait so long. Some sort of delay on the runway as we were leaving.”

“No problem. I'm just glad you could come. Melissa and I are both looking forward to having you stay with us.”

“That's so kind of you. I must admit, I believe I'll enjoy the company. I really wasn't looking forward to that empty hotel room again. It's… hard to be alone right now. I'm sure you understand.”

Toni nodded. She understood all too well. “Of course I do. Let's go pick up your luggage and head for home, shall we? Brad's coming over later with Chinese food—Melissa's special request.”

As they began to walk toward the baggage claim, April linked her arm in Toni's. “So Brad is still in the picture, is he?”

Toni looked at her, surprised. “Still in the picture? April, we're getting married in November—November twenty-seventh, two days after Thanksgiving.”

“Ah, so you've set a date. I suppose that means you've worked through your feelings about your detective friend.”

“My… detective friend?” Toni forced herself to keep walking, resisting the impulse to stop in her tracks and insist that April leave Abe out of the conversation. There was no sense confirming what the woman already suspected. For the first time since inviting her, Toni wondered if having April stay at the house had been such a good idea. She seemed to have a very annoying ability to look past Toni's words and right into her heart, and she certainly had no trouble speaking her mind. This could prove to be an interesting visit, Toni decided. “Why would I have to… work through my feelings about Abe before setting a wedding date? What does Abe have to do with my marrying Brad?”

It was April who stopped walking. Turning to Toni, she raised her eyebrows questioningly. “Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. I should think you could answer that question better than I, my dear. You're the one caught in the middle, after all.”

“What makes you think I'm caught in the middle? I've never even been out on a date with Abe. Brad and I have known each other for years, practically all our lives. It's as if we've always known we would
end up together, and we're a perfect match. Everyone says so. He comes from such a wonderful family, and he's so good to me—and to Melissa. Why would I even consider anything else?”

April shrugged, then turned and began to walk toward the baggage claim area once again. “I can't imagine. Just thought I'd ask.”

The subject did not come up again until they were almost home. By then Toni's nerves were frayed from the afternoon rush-hour traffic. It had taken a lot longer than expected to retrieve April's luggage, get it loaded into the car, and snake their way through the airport exit and onto the busy freeway. Throughout that time they had discussed all sorts of topics, including how the rest of Julie's family was doing, what the memorial service had been like, what, if anything, new had come up with the investigation, how Melissa was doing with her baby-sitting job, and even the weather in Colorado versus the weather in Washington. Toni had begun to believe that they had left the subject of Abe Matthews behind them, but it was not to be.

“What did you say Brad was bringing over for dinner, my dear?” April asked. “Chinese food, was it? I haven't had that in years. My late husband, Lawrence, used to take me out to eat Chinese food all the time. We had one particular restaurant that was our favorite. They served the best egg rolls! I haven't really felt much like going back there since he died. Funny. He's been gone almost fifteen years now. You'd think I'd have stopped missing him by this time, but I suppose it just doesn't work that way, does it? Not when you truly love someone. The pain eases over time, but you never really stop missing them.”

Toni's heart constricted as she thought of her parents. Her father's death was so fresh, her mother's a more distant memory. April was right though. She still missed both of them. “I don't think you've ever mentioned your husband before,” Toni observed, glancing at April. “Lawrence must have been very special.”

April smiled. “A wonderful man. Very special indeed. We had almost forty years together, and I wouldn't have traded a day of it. Oh,
our marriage wasn't perfect, of course. We had our differences, but our love for each other just seemed to grow stronger over the years. I can still look at his picture, even today, and my heart races like a schoolgirl's. Can you imagine?”

Toni's eyes were back on the road as she determined not to let April see the tears she was fighting. Before she met Abe she might not have been able to relate to what April was saying. She loved Brad, but she knew it was nothing like what April had described as her feelings for Lawrence. Now, the very mention of Abe's name, or even of something that reminded her of him, made her feel exactly like the schoolgirl April had mentioned.

“Are you all right, my dear? You seem a bit shaken.”

What was it with this woman? Were there no secrets safe from her? “I'm fine,” Toni replied, forcing a smile as she again glanced at April. “Really. Just a bit tired from all this stop-and-go driving.” “

I see.”

Toni turned her eyes back to the road, wondering just how much April did see. Was there any point in continuing this charade, or should she just come out and tell her what she was really feeling? Maybe the benefit of an older woman's wisdom would be useful to her right now. She certainly wasn't doing very well on her own.

“Actually…” Her voice trailed off, and she tried again. “You're right. About Abe, I mean… and about Brad. I truly do love Brad. He's a fine man, and I know he'll be a wonderful husband. But…”

“You're not in love with him.”

Toni pressed her lips together and shook her head. “No, I'm not.” She felt a burden lift from her shoulders as she spoke the words. Still, it pained her to make such a confession, as if she were betraying this kind, gentle man with whom she had promised to spend the rest of her life. “But… April, I'm already engaged to him. I can't just go back on my word. It would break his heart, not to mention Melissa's. Everyone, including Brad's family, expects us to go through with this. They're all so excited.”

“A noble reason to get married, I suppose—pleasing others. But is it the right reason?”

Toni opened her mouth, then closed it again. She realized she didn't have an answer to April's question, and it frightened her. She had been so sure that marrying Brad was the right thing to do, regardless of how she felt about him… or about Abe. Did she dare bring up her feelings for Abe? She had told April she did not want to discuss him, and yet, deep inside, she so longed to pour out her heart, to tell someone how she really felt….

They had finally reached the River View exit. Toni eased off the freeway, glad to escape the Friday afternoon traffic, which, although no longer bumper-to-bumper, had continued to be heavy all the way from Portland. As she drove toward home, the familiar streets and landmarks failed to comfort her as they usually did. She felt lost, disconnected somehow, as if she had left something very important behind but had no idea how to retrieve it.

She pulled up to a red light and stopped, then turned to April. “I don't know what to do about Abe. I… think I'm in love with him. I can hardly stand to be away from him, but… it's an impossible situation. I'm engaged to Brad, and Abe's not even a Christian. I can't possibly pursue that relationship. What should I do? I'm so confused.”

April's pale blue eyes were soft as she reached over and patted Toni's hand. “I can't tell you what to do, my dear. It's not my place, although you're absolutely right about not pursuing a relationship with an unbeliever. But… must it be an either-or situation? Since you can't follow your heart concerning Abe, does that mean you must go through with your marriage to Brad?” She paused, eyeing Toni questioningly. “Maybe you need to deal with one relationship at a time. Clear up one before trying to figure out what to do about the other.”

Toni's heart caught in her throat. What was April implying? “Do you mean I should break my engagement with Brad because I'm not in love with him? Is that what you're saying?”

“The only thing I'm saying, my dear, is that you need to pray about this and then listen for God's answer. Only he knows what the future holds and what his purposes are. There truly is no peace or joy apart from his plan for your life, you know.”

I am your Father.
The memory of those words echoed in Toni's heart as she turned onto her street and pulled up to the house. There, parked in front, was Brad's silver Lexus. He was early—and they were late. There would be no time to relax before dinner, no time to collect her thoughts or pray before facing him, and she needed to do both before she even considered discussing this subject with him. As she parked the car in the driveway, once again April reached over and patted her hand, and Toni realized how very glad she was to have this wise woman in her life right now.

Toni, seated at the kitchen table, was still shaking when April walked into the room. It was midmorning on Monday. Melissa had gone to babysit Tyler, and April had been out for a walk. Toni had opted to stay home, hoping to have some quiet time to spend reading the Bible and praying. She had not been able to think of anything all weekend except April's advice regarding her relationship with Brad. Yet, she had still not been able to bring herself to broach the subject with Brad or even to seriously consider breaking off the engagement. She had been sitting at the table, reading from the Psalms, when the call came. The familiar voice had reminded her of his warning to mind her own business. He had also told her that if she did not heed his warning, or if she told the police about his calls, someone she cared about was going to get hurt. It was the first time he had threatened someone other than herself, and Toni was devastated by the implications.

“It's getting warm out there,” April announced, taking a glass from the cupboard and heading for the refrigerator. After pouring some
lemonade, she came and sat down opposite Toni at the table. “But warm or not, it's certainly beautiful. I don't know when I've seen such a glorious profusion of roses and gladiolus. They're everywhere! The Northwest may be gray in the winter, but it certainly makes up for it in the spring and summer, doesn't it? I can't help but wonder if… my Julie… experienced any of the beauty of this part of the country before she…” Her voice trailed off, and with downcast eyes, she took a sip of lemonade, then looked at the Bible lying open in front of Toni. “I see you're reading from the Psalms. It's my favorite book in the entire Bible.” When Toni didn't respond, she frowned. “Are you all right, my dear? Is something wrong?”