Nothing Left to Lose (30 page)

Not having a
clue what that was about, I raised an inquiring eyebrow. “And what
is Pacey? Some sort of sadistic killer?” I inquired.

A smile
twitched at the corner of his mouth. “No. Have you seen The
Peacemaker?” he asked, biting his lip. I shook my head in answer.
I’d never even heard of it. “It’s a movie, one of my favourites, in
fact. There’s this girl in it called Pacey. She’s like a supreme
being, perfect in every way, incredibly beautiful. She’s kind of a
badass like you. She saves the world and then gets the guy at the
end,” he explained. His eyes narrowed as if waiting for me to freak
out or something.

His words
repeated in my head. Incredibly beautiful and perfect in every way.
And he’d wanted to name me that? My heart stuttered in my chest as
the hair on the nape of my neck stood on end.

“Aww, that’s
really sweet. Are you sure that wasn’t Dean’s suggestion?” I joked,
trying to keep a hold on the sensations that were flitting through
my system as if they were on a freight train.

Ashton laughed
uncomfortably. “Actually, yeah it was, I just wanted to steal his
glory,” he replied, avoiding my gaze and playing with a strand of
my hair.

I smiled,
watching him intently, loving how he looked so unsure and so
vulnerable. “You’re cute when you’re nervous,” I mused.

There was no
sarcastic comment or anything, like I had expected; instead, his
words made butterflies swoop around in my stomach. “What would you
do if I kissed you right now?” He looked at my lips longingly.

I gulped,
shocked at the turn in the conversation. What would I do? I was
pretty sure I’d kiss him back, but part of me was screaming at me
to push him the hell off me and be true to Jack.

“I’d kick your
butt out of my apartment, and you’d have to sleep next door.” I
said the words and tried my best to make them sound true.

He shook his
head slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. “No you wouldn’t,” he
whispered, inching his lips towards mine.

My breath
caught in my throat. “Ashton, don’t,” I rasped.

Ignoring my
protests, he dipped his head and brushed his lips softly against
mine. The kiss lasted barely a second before he broke it, but it
was enough to send my body into overdrive as memories of his taste,
his touch and his kisses flooded my brain. “Want me to sleep next
door tonight?” he asked, his voice sounding husky. His lips brushed
against mine softly as he spoke, sending a shiver of anticipation
down my spine.

Deciding to
answer truthfully, I shook my head, never taking my eyes from his.
He smiled and closed the small distance again, pressing his lips to
mine harder this time. My eyes fluttered closed as I revelled in
the luxury of his lips on mine. Not even having to think about it,
I kissed him back. His resulting moan made my skin prickle with
excitement. My hands tangled into the back of his hair, pulling him
closer to me as the kiss deepened and changed into something more
urgent and passionate. Shifting slightly, I freed my legs from
under him and gripped his hips with my knees, pulling his body on
top of mine harder. The weight of him on top of me, as his hands
wandered my body, almost made me dizzy with excitement. My whole
body was aching for more of him.

A thought
suddenly occurred to me – if kissing him was so wrong, then why did
it feel so right?
Just once more,
I decided. I could make
myself happy and give myself what I wanted, couldn’t I? I deserved
to be happy just once, didn’t I?

I ran my hands
down his back and pushed them down the back of his jeans, feeling
his firm buttocks. I moaned at the feel of it. I could picture it
when I closed my eyes, and I wanted to see it again. I wanted to
have him, just once more. But would I be able to stop at once if it
happened, or would I become addicted to his body just as I had done
his personality and smile?

A knock at the
door interrupted us, snapping us both back to reality. He broke the
kiss and a little whimper escaped my lips as my grip tightened on
him unconsciously, not letting him move away. A smile twitched at
the corner of his mouth as he dipped his head again, pressing his
lips back to mine as he cupped the side of my neck with one of his
hands.

The knock
sounded again, more insistently this time. He groaned against my
neck, so I knew the moment was over. Unclamping my knees from his
hips, I turned my head to the side and gulped in fresh air as he
pulled back, looking down at me with hungry, lust-filled eyes that
made my insides clench in excitement.

“I need to get
that,” he whined, looking back over his shoulder to the hallway and
front door beyond. I nodded, unsure if my voice would work if I
tried to speak. He sighed, putting his hand to his hair, smoothing
it down because I’d had my hands tangled in it so it now stood at
all angles. A blush covered my cheeks as he shoved his hand down
the front of his jeans, rearranging himself so that his arousal was
less noticeable as he walked to the door.

From the front
door, I could hear him talking to someone, and then the voices got
louder as they walked towards the lounge. I sat up quickly and
smoothed my hair down too, praying my face wasn’t flushed. The
person with him was Dean, and judging by the no-nonsense look on
his face, it wasn’t a social call.

Dean smiled
awkwardly. “Sorry to interrupt. Ashton and I just need to go over a
few things before school tomorrow.”

I nodded. “And
by that you mean, ‘get lost, Annabelle, we want to talk about
secret agent stuff and you’re not invited’,” I guessed, rolling my
eyes. “That’s fine, I’m just going to go and see if I can make my
head spin and vomit pea soup.”

Dean’s mouth
popped open before he looked at Ashton accusingly.

Chuckling and
waving over my shoulder, I headed into the bedroom, deciding to
take a long soak in the tub. After running myself a bubble bath, I
stayed in the water until it turned cold. The whole time I was in
there, I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss with Ashton. Would
I have had sex with him again if Dean hadn’t interrupted? I
genuinely didn’t know the answer.

After I got
out, I found one of Ashton’s T-shirts hanging over the back of the
chair, so I pulled it on, pairing it with some boy shorts. I sat on
the bed and eyed the photo of Jack that sat on my bedside cabinet.
I sighed and picked it up, running my finger over his face. He was
so handsome, not in the totally hot way that Ashton was, but in the
traditional, blue eyes, blond hair, type of way. I missed him
terribly. Guilt built inside me because I had no right to yearn for
someone else’s arms to comfort me, yet I just couldn’t seem to help
it around Ashton.

My sketch book
and pencils were by the bed, so I grabbed them and sat against the
headboard. I drew the thing that had been on my mind since I woke
up this morning – the little girl from my dream. In my sketch, she
laughed and smiled excitedly. On the corner of the page, I drew
Ashton as he looked in my dream: gorgeous, happy, and loving.

When I was
done, I looked at the page for a long time, confused. It was almost
like torture, looking at something that I wouldn’t ever have. My
eyes flicked back to the photo of Jack.
Why the hell am I
obsessing over this little girl?
It was just a dream. My heart
belonged to Jack and always would, just like we’d always promised
each other.

A knock to the
bedroom door made me jump. “Hey, can I come in?”

I quickly
closed my pad so Ashton couldn’t see the little girl. “Yeah
sure.”

He smiled
timidly as he opened the door and stepped in. “You okay?”

I smiled,
covering the confusion and pain I was feeling at the moment. “Yeah,
I’m okay,” I lied. “You get your secret stuff that I’m not allowed
to know about done?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

He laughed and
walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge. “You’re so hostile! I
don’t tell you how to do your job,” he replied.

I snorted at
his comment. “Er, actually you kinda do. It’s my job to be guarded,
and you tell me what to do all the time,” I countered, raising my
eyebrows to make my point.

He grinned.
“Not
all
the time,” he repeated sarcastically. His eyes
flicked down to the bed and the smile fell from his face as he
picked up my photo of Jack. “So you go for blonds, huh? I’ve got no
chance then, completely the opposite,” he stated humourlessly,
running a hand through his black hair.

I laughed
awkwardly. “You’re too pretty for me, remember?”

He pursed his
lips, still studying my photo intently. “You look really happy
here.” He finally took his eyes off of it, holding it out to
me.

“I was. That
was before my life got blown to shit,” I shrugged.

He sighed and
scooted closer to me on the bed. “I upset you again because I
kissed you, didn’t I? I’ve made you sad again.”

“No. I’m fine,”
I lied quietly. I didn’t want to tell him about my personal debate
as to whether I could sleep with him one more time or not, I was
still undecided on the answer.

He sighed
deeply and silence filled the room before he spoke again. “So, what
are you drawing? Can I see?” he asked, holding out his hand for the
sketchpad.

I laughed,
blushing as I hugged the pad to my chest. “If you’re thinking that
it’s some dark and horrible drawing that shows my inner turmoil,
you’re wrong.”

There was no
way I wanted him to know I was obsessing over this little girl,
because technically, that meant I was obsessing over him and I
didn’t want to scare him away from me. I needed him now; I didn’t
want to go back to my life before him – alone and scared. I
shuddered at the thought. I suddenly realised that I’d already done
what I said I wouldn’t do. I’d let him in. I liked him, cared about
him even. Plus, I hadn’t had nightmares for days because of him.
What on earth was I going to do in eight months when it came to the
end of his assignment and he left me to go make some other girl
deliriously happy? The thought alone hurt, and I’d only known him
for a few days. What about when I’d known him for eight months?
What would I do then?

Panic built
inside me because I’d unknowingly made myself vulnerable by letting
him close to me – but the thing was, I wouldn’t actually change
anything. I liked being around him, and I liked the person that he
allowed me to be when I was around him. It was a glimpse of the old
Anna, the one that was too frightened to make another appearance in
case something went terribly wrong again. Ashton was slowly
bringing that lonely, frightened girl back to life again. And I
hadn’t even realised until just now. I suddenly found myself
wishing he would stay forever. I didn’t want him to go and be
reassigned somewhere else and get a girlfriend, I wanted him all to
myself so I’d always have this contented, comfortable, safe feeling
surrounding me.

“Anna?” he
prompted, touching my foot tenderly.

I gulped,
swallowing my feelings that didn’t quite make sense to me. “What?”
I answered, unsure what he wanted from me. Maybe he’d been talking
to me while I was off trying to make sense of my emotions.

“I said, are
you really okay? You ran off right after we kissed, and now you’re
all quiet and distant with me. Are you wishing that didn’t happen?”
he questioned, dipping his head so that my eyes had to meet
his.

Again, I didn’t
know the answer. “I’m fine. It’s all just complicated. I can’t
explain my feelings to you, I don’t know how I feel,” I admitted. I
chewed on my lip nervously. My answer was the truth – how could I
explain something that I didn’t even understand myself?

He stood and
looked down at me worriedly. “Well, if you need to talk to me, I’m
here to listen, anytime.”

I smiled
gratefully at his back as he stalked to the door. “Ashton?” I
called, needing to say something else, because it didn’t feel right
leaving it like that. He turned at the door, looking at me
quizzically. “Thank you.” The words seemed right, and the only ones
that I could think of.

His answering
smile was dazzling, and my tummy fluttered again. “No problem,
ma’am,” he replied. I groaned as he shut the door behind him.
How on earth can one word be so hot when it comes out of his
mouth? How can one word make my insides melt? It just isn’t
fair.

For an hour,
Dean and I planned out our positioning, ready for the first day of
school. We’d gone over pretty much everything three times, but you
couldn’t be too prepared in my opinion. I’d also memorised the map
of the school so that I knew where all the exits and meeting points
were, just in case.

Over breakfast,
I’d gone through the rules with Anna. She’d agreed to them all, not
protesting, and actually looking a little happy with them. I’d
insisted on a few changes to her normal routine which she seemed
quite happy about. For one thing, no one knew who I was, so while
the boyfriend cover worked, we were going to play it to the
maximum. Dean would be in plain clothes the whole time, not even
acknowledging us unless there was a huge problem that I couldn’t
resolve amicably. I had my gun and police credentials with me, but
I was praying they wouldn’t ever need to be of use, because that
meant that Carter would never find where she is.

The school knew
of our situation and that I wasn’t actually a college student, so I
wasn’t going to be expected to hand in any masterpieces – which was
handy considering I couldn’t draw.

Anna had
agreed, finally, to stay with me at all times – even bathroom
breaks where I’d have to stand outside and wait for her. We’d
already agreed that I could kiss her a couple of times throughout
the day so that the boyfriend story stuck. She’d even consented to
trying to meet up with the friends that we’d made over the weekend
for lunch so that we could integrate with society better and move
easier through the crowd.