Nobody's Dream (71 page)

Cassie wished she could wait and see if love could grow to such intensity between her and Lucas, but she did not wish to be deceitful and speak vows she could not believe fully.

“What is troubling you,
pequeña?
Does it have anything to do with why you have stayed away from home so long? Does it have anything to do with your break-up with Pedro? Is he bringing a wedge into your marriage?”

Cassie blinked away the tears.
Mamá
always understood, up to a point.

“In some ways, but not what you think. I have no feelings of love for Pedro. I would rather not speak of the details,
Mamá
, but he betrayed me, hurt me badly.” Hatred was an unhealthy emotion, but in her heart, she truly hated the man. “With Lucas, it is just…” She could not tell her mother she had not yet consummated her marriage.

“Why did you marry Lucas in the first place if you are unsure that you love him?”

“It is complicated.”

“Why don’t you spend some time at the altar this morning before Lucas or
Papá
awaken? Seek the peace you need with Goddess in order for you to find the answers you need to move forward in your life.”

She and
Mamá
had shared the altar at the back of the house many times as she learned to blend her Catholic and Quechua backgrounds into her own unique spirituality, with one foot planted in each tradition and her heart mixing in other spiritual traditions to find her place in the Universe.

Cassie nodded, although the thought of bringing her shame and guilt before the Goddess churned her stomach. Would
Mama Quilla
understand and love her no matter what? Would
Mamá
?

Mamá
kissed her on the cheek. “Be at peace with yourself,
mi hija
. All else will fall into place once you achieve that state of being.”

Tears pricked the backs of her eyes, and she blinked rapidly. “
Mamá
, I do not know how to find peace within myself any longer.”

“You will not be able to accept the love of anyone else before you can love yourself. What is holding you back?”

“I have been unable to forgive myself for something that happened to me long ago. It has built up inside me to the point that, at times, I have hated myself so much I wanted to…” No, she would not tell
Mamá
about her suicidal thoughts either. Those lasted only those first few months after the rape.

Mamá
wrapped her arms around her, and Cassie felt hot tears flow down her cheeks. “
Hija
, you are a child of light and love, and nothing you have done or that has been done to you will ever change that. You need to go into meditation ready to forgive yourself and others for past deeds and then send love out into the ether to replace the negative energy with good.”

Cassie held on to
Mamá
for a long while, until the tears ebbed, and then nodded. She pulled away, drawing a deep breath. “I will do that,
Mamá
.” She did not want anything to enter her relationship with Lucas and ruin their ability to find love with each other. This man shined a light into the dark corners of her life. She wanted to keep him if only she knew how to give him what
he
needed, too.

Mamá
smiled. “By holding that resentment inside, you are closing yourself off to Lucas and anyone else who wants to love you. Release it into the hands of the God and the Goddess.”

“I’ll try,
Mamá
.”

“Go. Find your center and speak with Goddess.”

Cassie kissed
Mamá
’s cheek and headed for the quiet room in the back of the house. In this sacred space,
Mamá
had taught her to meditate and listen to the small, still voice inside her. As was the tradition in
Mamá
’s house, she placed a veil over her head before she entered the room.
Mamá
had adopted the Catholic religion as she, too, had to straddle two spiritual worlds after marrying
Papá
.

But
Mamá
also blended those traditions into what worked for her. With her gift of healing and shaman status in the village, she could not turn her back on the Goddess, either.

Cassie knelt on the velvet-cushioned kneeler before the altar.
Mamá
’s meditation focus was a statue of Mary, Our Lady of the Miracle, in her crown and elaborate gold and silver flared robes. Her arms were outstretched as if inviting one into her embrace.

Perhaps no one religion could contain her beliefs. Surprisingly, Lucas did not seem to care what she believed and seemed open to discussing spirituality with her.

Cassie closed her eyes and breathed slowly and deeply. Inhale. Exhale. She allowed the white light to surround and protect her on her meditative journey.

As if the Goddess herself had instructed her, she slowed down her mind and let go of the negative thoughts.

“
Mama Quilla
, help me to forgive myself for…” She could not find the words to express the shame she felt.

“That power lies within you, dear one. You need only ask forgiveness for it to be granted. Your heart is pure. Are you ready to let go of this hurt?”

“Yes!” Goddess’s words were so clear, it was as if she was speaking aloud. Cassie had not really heard Her voice since the rape. “I never should have accepted their evilness into my body and heart, but now I only wish to rid myself of the hate and resentment toward them and toward myself.”

“Imagine that darkness flowing away from you, into the ether.”

Much like the dark swirling winds in the painting of the leaf she had started many weeks ago, she pictured the evil that the three men had spewed forth onto her body and soul blowing away from her. Her spirit became lighter, and once again, she felt like the leaf, only this time she floated on a gentle breeze against a backdrop of blue skies with white puffy clouds. The sun shone on her, warm and bright. No longer brown and muddy, the leaf was a brilliant scarlet, amber, and green mosaic representing her multi-faceted life.

Cassie no longer saw herself as one leaf struggling alone against the wind, destined only to fall to the ground and be trampled on by passersby. Instead she felt as if she could float forever.

Suddenly another leaf came into her vision, larger than hers, but just as beautiful and brilliant, followed by others of all sizes, shapes, and colors. Without a doubt, she knew these other leaves floating on the breeze around her represented Lucas, Kitty,
Mamá
,
Papá
, even baby Aurora and her siblings.

My family.

Cassie sighed. She had sought solitude for so long she had almost missed letting love back into her life. But the avalanche, the fire, Kitty’s needing her had all brought love and light back into her life. Lucas most of all had been a precious gift she might have tossed aside if not for his patience and persistence.

She knew what she needed to do.

“Thank you, Goddess, for showing me the way.”

Rising from the kneeler, she stretched out the kinks in her knees a few times. How long had she been in here? Slowly she made her way back to the kitchen.

Mamá
looked up from a sheet of paper, probably her list of things to do for the
fiesta
, and smiled. “I can see on your face you are more at peace already.”

Cassie smiled. “I am.” She wrinkled her brow. “Please do not ask me to explain, but Lucas and I intend to treat this renewal of vows on Saturday as if they are our first marriage vows. I know the marriage will not be considered legal in Peru, but with our civil ceremony in Colorado, I hope that
Padre
Rojas will grant our wish to exchange our vows in the church here.”

“We will speak with him later today. He will be less worried about making the Peruvian government happy than in seeing you fulfill the sacrament and being properly married in the church and before the eyes of God.”

Cassie had never dreamed of a church wedding, but it appeared as though she would have one. Somehow, exchanging vows with Lucas in the church she had grown up in made marriage seem so much more real to her than the ceremony in the judge’s office.

She felt more like a blushing bride than ever, even though the thought of sharing a bed with Lucas no longer frightened her. Something had definitely happened last night, though. She had feared she would never sleep for a moment all night, yet secure in Lucas’s arms, she had slept until the sound of
Mamá
in the kitchen awakened her.

What kind of spell had he cast over her? Was it fair of her to accept his proposal on the grounds she wanted to feel safe like that every night? Certainly not fair to Lucas, who clearly had stronger feelings for her than she could return. Would he eventually demand more than the right to merely lie down beside her at night?

No. She trusted him.

But she also would be a lifelong disappointment for him. Perhaps the day would come when she could fulfill her duties as a wife without triggers or fear when he touched her. That would be a start. Lucas was a patient man, too, as he had shown her these past few months.

Take it one step at a time, Cassie.

“Now, please excuse me. I need to talk with Lucas.” She poured two mugs of black coffee, hoping he wouldn’t mind how strong
Mamá
made it for
Papá
.

*     *     *

Luke barely slept a wink all night. Between having Cassie’s soft body pressed against his and worrying about what her answer would be to his less-than-romantic marriage proposal, the clock had turned slowly under his watchful eye. The last he remembered, it was four-thirty. He must have drifted off a bit.

When he opened his eyes again at six forty-five, he was in bed alone. Well, he had his answer. Of course she would run. What did he expect? He probably shouldn’t have made so many demands so fast, but damned if he intended to be around her every day and not be able to give her at least a hug or a kiss when he thought she could use one. These past weeks had been a living hell.

He tossed the blankets off and swung his legs over the side of the mattress. His knees practically touched the wall. There was a little more room on her side, but this was the smallest bedroom he’d ever seen.

He glanced at the headboard. Antique. Definitely Spanish influences in the carvings on the dark wood. He reached out and touched the punched leather in the headboard. Different.

The door opened, and he turned to find Cassie still dressed in her nightgown carrying two mugs of what smelled like coffee. Two nights in a row without sleep, and she had anticipated his needs perfectly. The day was looking better already.

“Thank you, darlin’.” He stood and met her at the foot of the bed. “I can’t tell you how much it excites me to see you standing there with hot coffee in your hand.”

Oh, good move, Denton. Scare her away now thinking you have a fetish for coffee.

Her face grew ruddy as she glanced down, but he sure as hell detected a smile.
Score
. He took the cup and a few sips before making eye contact again. “Damn, that’s good.”

She nibbled her plump lower lip.

His morning erection throbbed.
Damn, darlin’. Show some mercy!

Hoping to take his mind off of kissing her, he gestured with the mug toward the headboard. “Before you came in, I was admiring the craftsmanship of this bed. Like nothing I’ve ever seen back home.”

“It belonged to my grandmother.
Papá’s
mamá
. Made from
mohena
wood and leather.”

“
Mohena
. I’ll have to look that up. Definitely different than what I use back home, but the possibilities for carving seem to be outstanding.”

“I’m not sure how available it would be in the States.”

“Marry me, and I can apprentice with someone down here when we come for visits.”

He’d intended for his words to come off jokingly, but he wanted to get past her awkward rejection and move on.

“Lucas…”

The pause didn’t sound like he was going to like what followed. He took a sip of coffee to hide his disappointment, whether expected or not.

“I have given what you proposed a lot of thought.”

Hell, she’d been sleeping most of the time since he proposed. How much thought had she really given it? “I told you not to rush your answer. We don’t have to decide to—”

She held up her free hand. “My answer is yes.”

“—do anything this weekend. We could—What did you say?” It took him a minute to process her words and stop speaking himself.

She bit her lip again. God, he wished she’d stop doing that. Made him want to take a nibble or two himself.

“I said yes. I will make my vows with you on Saturday, and I will mean every word. I am willing to commit to marrying you, and accept that you wish for us to become increasingly intimate. Just continue to be patient with me.”

A mixture of joy and trepidation assailed him. She had just agreed to marry him in a much more realistic arrangement than the one they entered into in May. Could he be the man this woman needed to help her put her painful past to rest and embrace a future together with him?

She’d come so far in a short time. Hell, he’d cuddled up against her body last night in bed. There had been a time not so long ago she couldn’t stand for him to touch her hand. Whether it was from her therapy session or his day in and day out whittling away at her defenses, he didn’t know.

The day she shared what had been locked inside so long seemed the turning point. Luke had no doubt he possessed the patience Cassie needed. He was a man with a slow hand and gentle touch. Hell, even if the day never came that she would agree to make love with him, his journey with Cassie at his side would be incredible.

“I believe we can even convince the priest to consider this more than a renewal of vows, but the actual sacrament of marriage.”

“I’m not Catholic.”

“I am no longer a practicing Catholic either, although I identify with the religion in some cultural and spiritual ways. But I talked with
Mamá
this morning, and she said they have alternate ceremonies now that would work for us. You were baptized, weren’t you?”