Nobody's Dream (68 page)

Why hadn’t Eduardo or Cassie mentioned that? “If you ever come to Colorado, sir, I’ll show you around my spread.”

The smiled faded. “I do not intend to travel to the States.”

Would Cassie return here very often to visit? Hard to say. Depended on how this visit went. But this very well could be the last time she saw her father, given the man’s advanced age.

Maybe he could encourage her to make the trip again at least annually. He didn’t want her to have to live with any regrets.

“There was a time when I could travel, but my health is not what it once was.”

Luke wondered what health issues he had, but didn’t ask. If the man wanted him to know, he’d tell him.

“Will you bring my daughter to see me regularly?”

He didn’t want to make promises he couldn’t keep. “Our animals keep us pretty tied down.”

“Who is caring for them now?”

“My parents, but they live in Texas—a day’s drive away.”

He nodded again, his sadness obvious.
He does love Cassie, even if he doesn’t know how to show it with affection.
Something Luke and Cassie had in common with their dads.

“Tell me about your relationship with your mother.”

It seemed an odd question, but he spent the next ten minutes talking about what a great momma he had and how she’d sacrificed and worked hard with Luke during high school so he would be accepted into a good college. “I owe her a lot.”

“You love and respect your mother. That is good.”

Ah, he passed the test about how a man treated his mother having a correlation to the way he treated his wife. Jury was still out on whether the man believed Luke could provide for Cassie’s needs. But Cassie didn’t need many material things. What she needed was lots of love, encouragement, and consistency.
Those
he could provide in abundance. While her walls had been coming down in the last week or so, unless she was able to accept his love, his best efforts might not matter.

Unfortunately, Cassie saw love as a prison. Even though he had the key to free her, she might not let him.

*     *     *

“Do you love him?”

Mamá
caught her off guard. How to answer truthfully? She loved Lucas as a friend. Loved his gentle soul, kind spirit, and how he treated his animals. How protective he was of her, even when he sometimes smothered her.

“Yes, I do.”
In my own way.

“I wish I had been at your wedding.”

Cassie glanced away. “It was just a courthouse ceremony. Nothing fancy.”

“It is not the location of the ceremony, but the words spoken to seal you to one another.” Her mother narrowed her gaze, glancing briefly at Cassie’s waistline. “Why such a hurried event?”

Of course,
Mamá
could not determine if she was pregnant under the baggy sweater she wore, even if there had been a baby on the way.

“No,
Mamá
. We did not
have
to marry.” Well, she had felt pressured to make her parents happy by doing so, but it was still a choice. They had exchanged their unique vows, spoken from the heart. “Eduardo represented the family.”

It might be a farcical marriage to some, but she considered herself tied to Lucas for life in her own way. For as long as this mutual agreement lasted. If the day came when he asked to be released from her—probably after he found the
right
woman to go through the remainder of his life with—then she would set him free.

But the type of wedding
Mamá
wanted to witness—where she would be bound to Lucas as a wife and helpmate, mother of his children, until one of them died—that was something Cassie could never imagine experiencing with Lucas or any man.

“I trust you asked God and the Goddess to bless your union.”

Cassie averted her gaze. How could she? “Actually, it was a civil ceremony in a judge’s chambers.”

The silence that stretched out between them made Cassie uncomfortable. Then
Mamá
spoke. “You seem to care for one another. I see the love between you two.”

Love of a friend, not a spouse
. But knowing
Mamá
was content helped bring peace of mind to Cassie. She had done the right thing by marrying Lucas.

“I want you and Lucas to think about renewing your vows along with
Papá
and me Saturday.”

She met
Mamá’s
gaze. “What?” Had she heard correctly?

“If we can witness you two sharing your vows and making a commitment before the deities, your father and I will be pleased. He was not happy learning you had married without asking his blessing. Besides, his faith is strong, and he will not believe you are truly married until you marry in the eyes of his church.”

How could she enter into a second phony marriage ceremony? She had more control over the words spoken in the Colorado civil ceremony, but
Mamá
wanted her to speak her vows before the Goddess—and
Papá’s
God. They would have no control over the vows spoken.

“No,
Mamá
. I do not think Lucas will want to do that.”

“Do what, Sweet Pea?”

Cassie turned to find Lucas and her father standing in the doorway. They reeked of cigar smoke.

Smoke. Beer.

The air closed in around her as sweat broke out on her forehead. Her hand shook uncontrollably. Out of nowhere, Lucas suddenly crouched before her, stroking her arm. “Look at me, Cassie.”

She forced herself to put the past back in its box and face him, but her mind’s eye was bombarded with images in strobe-like fashion.

“You’re okay, darlin’,” he whispered. “I’m here.” He telegraphed the message,
“Nothing bad’s gonna happen while I’m around.”

Lucas grounded her in the moment, until she remembered what
Mamá
had asked her to do, and the smothered feeling came over her again.

She whispered, “
Mamá
wants us to renew our vows with her and
Papá
Saturday. I do not think—”

“We’ll discuss it tonight after we go to bed.” His firm gaze never left hers and gave her a sense of calm assurance that no one would force her into anything.

But why did he not say no outright? How could they continue to play out this farce before her parents, the deities, and the Universe?

Mamá’s
voice reminded her they were not alone. “Casandra, Lucas is right. You two should talk about this when you are alone. I am sure he will help you come to the right choice.”

Her mother turned her attention to Lucas, as though his decree would be final and that he was the one she needed to win over.
Mamá
had lived in a patriarchal society her entire life. “Lucas, it would be no trouble to make a single ceremony into a double. Everything is already set.” Cassie resented
Mamá
for deferring to Lucas for such a monumental aspect of her life, as well.

“Cassie and I will come to a decision that’s right for us both.” Cassie’s heart grew warm that he did not intend to dismiss her feelings and input. With Lucas, she was an equal partner.

Wait!
They were only friends. What was she even considering talk of a real marriage ceremony for?

Mamá
crossed the room and took
Papá’s
hand, gazing at him with the love and respect she had shown him Cassie’s entire life. She smiled and turned to Cassie and Lucas. “Know that
Papá
and I would be proud to share our special day with you in this way.”

The walls closed in further. Choosing between pleasing her parents and doing what she wanted meant she had very little choice at all. Why did she feel like a teenager again in her parents’ home?

“Darlin’, let’s grab our hats and coats and take a walk. You can show me around your village.”

Anxious to escape, Cassie nodded. She needed time to think. She stood and told her parents they would return soon. Outside, she filled her lungs with crisp mountain air. As close to heaven on earth as she could imagine being.

“That’s it, Sweet Pea. Just breathe and relax. We’re going to figure out what’s best for us to do. Remember, you’re not a kid anymore. I know you’d do anything to please your folks, but you have to live with your decision the rest of your life. It’s hard to be around our parents and not revert to wanting to obey and please them, but you’re an adult now. You have to do what you know is right for you.”

“Thank you, Lucas.” She was not ready to discuss the pros and cons of the ceremony with him yet. “Come with me.” Cassie reached for his hand and started down the street. They walked several blocks and she shared stories about some of the places they passed, including where she had first fallen in love with alpacas. She had been permitted to help care for a neighbor’s animals after school in a shed in the back of his property.

A strong wind blowing off the mountain peaks whipped at their faces, invigorating Cassie. Despite the bright sunlight, the day was frigid.

Goddess, she felt alive for the first time since the fire!

“I did not realize how much I miss high mountains. The closest place I have found to this was at my cabin.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she halted and faced him. The light dimmed in his eyes, and she regretted her words immediately. When a shiver coursed through his body, she glanced around for shelter and pulled him into a recessed doorway. “I did not mean to sound ungrateful. I appreciate that you opened your home to me and my babies. But my heart belongs high in the mountains rather than in the basin between the peaks.”

“I’ve worked hard to establish a safe place for my horses where they will not only heal but thrive. If I could do that work up in the mountains, I would find you such a home. But horses need room to run.”

She pressed her gloved hand against his lips. “Oh, Lucas, I would never ask you to leave your ranch. See how impossible it would be for us to marry in the true sense?” He reached up and stroked her cheek. She did not pull away. She owed him that much trust. “Lucas, we have separate lives…different priorities.” Lucas hated the bitter cold at the higher elevations. She and the alpacas thrived in it. Both of them preferred time alone, which did not make for building a strong marriage, did it? He was always so optimistic. She, more pragmatic.

Lucas always saw things from a positive standpoint. If something was not working, he tried to find ways to make it work. A fixer.

But he could not fix everything that was wrong with her.

“Don’t give up on us too soon, darlin’. We’ll talk more tonight, in bed where it’s warm.”

The mention of lying in bed beside him put a damper on her emotions. Tonight would arrive sooner than she could prepare her psyche.

*     *     *

The moment Cassie had dreaded all day came even sooner than anticipated. She could barely keep her eyes open any longer. And yet the arrival of bedtime posed a whole new set of problems.

“Let’s go to bed, Sweet Pea. You look beat.”

She stared blankly at Lucas who winked at her. Why did his winks set off a fluttering of nerves in her stomach? As did his grins. Perhaps it was just the thought of sharing a bed with him again that put her stomach into turmoil. But sharing a double bed could not be as bad as when they had lain together in her twin bed after the avalanche.

They still had not made a decision about Saturday. The more she thought about it, the more certain she became that she could not stand before the Universe, the Church,
and
the parish priest and speak vows she could not live by. The law of reciprocity in her Quechua belief system would never condone deceit on her part. In their original wedding vows, she and Lucas had been open and honest about what type of relationship they were entering into. Both knew it would not be a true marriage. More a lifelong bond of friendship. But the Catholic Church’s vows were much more specific and unyielding.

After saying good night to her parents, they walked hand in hand down the hallway toward her childhood bedroom. The uneasiness in the pit of her stomach weighed her down further with each step. Lucas opened the door and motioned for her to precede him.

Abuela’s
bed dominated the room, leaving her wanting to run to the bathroom to be sick. Lucas’s hand on her shoulder and his nearness did nothing to ease her queasiness.

He bent down to her ear, his scruff tickling her, and whispered, “Trust me, darlin’.”

She nodded, even though she was not at all sure she did. “I do.”
More than I can trust any other man.

But Lucas was unlike any man she had ever known. Look at how he had helped her deal with the fears and triggers, not to mention that she had wanted no one else to be there for her after the session with the therapist. She trusted him.

Cassie crossed the room and opened her drawer, gathering her nightgown, panties, and toiletries. She hated sleeping in panties, but tonight she would wear them as an added layer of protection.

Why was she thinking such things? Lucas would never force her to do anything. He was gentle, kind, and a man of his word. Integrity. He possessed that trait in spades.

“I will be back soon.” She walked down the hallway to the bathroom as if in a scene from
Dead Man Walking
.

After taking as much time as she possibly could without having Lucas send out one of his search parties, she brushed her teeth one more time. When she entered the bedroom, the light was off. She knew where everything was in the room—except Lucas.

“My turn.”

She jumped at the sound of his voice, closer than she’d expected, since she thought he’d be waiting on the bed. Despite the fact that Lucas spoke English and Diego’s haunting threat had been in Spanish, her heart beat wildly.

“Es mi turno.”

The sense of dread increased as she took a deep, calming breath. Not wanting him to see her distress, she nodded, keeping her face averted.

“You okay, darlin’?” His hand lightly touched her upper arm, but she pulled away, nodding frantically. Tears splashed from her eyes. Thank the Goddess it was dark in here.