Nobody's Dream (70 page)

The words created a longing inside her. Could she ever become someone’s cherished woman? She shoved her romantic notions back in her hope chest of forgotten dreams.

“I’m confident that eventually you’ll come to trust that I’ll never harm you. That you’ll allow me to unleash the passion you keep under tight wraps. Maybe you’ll even dance with me someday.”

Her heart beat so loudly the blood whooshed in her ears.

“Make no mistake, though. Our love and our marriage will be defined by our terms, no one else’s.”

Surprisingly, she did not say “no” outright. How could she even think about entering into what could very well lead to a physical-love marriage with him?

“What if we try and it does not work out?”

“We may never reach the place where we make love to each other, but I already love you, Sweet Pea. Our original vows were until death parts us. We have the rest of our lives to explore and deepen this relationship.”

A lifetime love, just no longer a platonic one perhaps.

“But sex or no sex, we’re already married. I’m just taking this opportunity of renewing our vows to strengthen our commitment and take things to the next level.”

He took a long strand of her hair and slowly slid his finger along her hairline until he tucked it behind her ear. Her skin tingled as if he had blazed a trail of flames. She held her breath. Was he going to kiss her? The fluttering in her stomach did not seem to be from fear, but more like…anticipation?

Was she going to let him kiss her?

No. She breathed deeply and tamped down the feelings. “What if you get too…frustrated waiting for me to be ready?”

He chuckled. “I haven’t had intercourse in eight years. Not since Maggie. There are ways of finding physical release short of intercourse. However, if after curling up against my body one night you decide you want more, all I ask is that you’re honest and tell me.”

The thought of asking him to have sex made her stomach queasy.

“If asking for sex is too hard, then we can work out a signal so I’ll know you’re ready.”

“A signal?”

“Hanging a scarf on the bedroom doorknob, for instance. Leaving a note on my pillow. Whatever. Sweetheart, bottom line, the road to deeper intimacy is honesty and communication. Don’t hide yourself from me out of fear over what happened in the past.”

“What if I never have…romantic feelings for you, Lucas? How is that fair to you to give up any hope of finding the right woman to spend your life with because you are saddled with me?”

He leaned closer. “I’ve already found her.” He placed a kiss on her cheek. She was not sure if that was where he intended it to land, or just where he ended up in the dark. “Whether you agree to remain my wife or not, you’ve staked a claim to my heart already. I’m not looking elsewhere.”

“How can you be so sure there would never be someone more special for you, someone who might even enjoy having sex?”

He sighed. “I want you to stop thinking about having sex and think more about being intimate. Animals have the ability to rut and have sex. If the intimacy between you and me heats up to that level, we’ll be making love.”

“Semantics.”

“No. God’s honest truth, I can be a lot more creative than a rutting animal.” She wasn’t sure if he referred to animals in general or the ones who had raped her. “If there are triggers, well, there are lots of positions and techniques we can try that won’t bring up memories of what happened before. We’ll explore new ones until we find the ways I can turn you on that will have you begging for more.”

She huffed. “That will never happen.”

He chuckled. “We can start by initiating touches without any expectation of going further.” He sighed. “Cassie, there are so many things we can do that don’t involve burying my cock inside you.”

Her face grew warm at his bluntness, and for the longest time, no words would come. She still did not understand why he wanted to change their marriage agreement. “You have offered me companionship, protection, intimacy, a place to live, and love. I still do not see what is in it for you if I cannot love you back.”

He tapped his index finger on the top of her nose. “Oh, you love me, darlin’.”

What did he mean?

“You love the way I tease you. You love the way I hold you after a bad memory or nightmare. You love how I show you life doesn’t have to be so damned serious and full of pain all the time.”

An unexpected grin broke out on her face. “All right, I will admit I do love all those things about you, Lucas.” She sobered. “But true marriage leads to something more…sexual.”

“Darlin’, for someone who declares no interest in it, you sure have sex on the brain a lot.”

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Making me blush.”

He laughed. “How can I tell if I’ve made you blush? Your beautiful brown skin hides it well, even when we aren’t in a dark bedroom like this.”

“I know I am blushing, and that is bad enough.”

“Maybe if you stop bringing up sex all the time, you wouldn’t be blushing.”

The heat rose in her cheeks yet again. “You have me blushing like a virgin.”

“Darlin’, your innocence was stripped away from you by three evil men. Deep down, you
are
a virgin. And we’re going to explore your passion and sensuality as long as it takes for you to be ready to take that giant leap and consent to making love the first time.”

Consent.

Control.

Communication.

“I need to sleep on this. Maybe I can sort things out in the morning.”

“Take all the time you need, darlin’. We don’t have to agree to ‘renewing’ our vows this weekend here in Peru. But what I’m proposing stands, whether you accept it now or ten years down the road. I want you in my life, Cassie López, and for us to have a binding commitment that goes beyond being friends and companions.”

There would be no turning back if she agreed to take this next step. Her heart longed for the relationship he described. No man had ever made her feel anything before Lucas, even if sometimes the feelings confused her. Would she let her fears keep her alone the rest of her life?

“Good night, Lucas.”

“Night, Sweet Pea.”

For some strange reason, she had to fight back the urge to lean toward him and kiss him good night. Baring their souls in this way had given her a glimpse of what nights in bed with Lucas might be like. Not scary at all. Instead she turned her back toward him.

When he stretched out beside her, he lay as close as possible without making contact with her skin. Once again, heat emanated from his body. For someone usually cold, he was not at all cold tonight. His voice reached out to her in the dark. “Why don’t we try an experiment tonight?”

“What kind of experiment?” she whispered.

“To prove to you that I can sleep with you, touch you, without jumping your bones, why don’t we spoon together?”

The thought of having Lucas’s hard body pressed so intimately against hers all night long sent a chill down her spine.

Or was it a chill? Judging by the heat in her body, she was no longer sure her mind’s interpretations of her body’s responses were accurate. Lucas Denton did strange things to her psyche—and her body.

“I do not think that would be wise.”

“Who said we have to bring wisdom into this? Let’s focus on our hearts for a change, not our heads. If you’re going to marry me—again—we
are
going to share a bed. We may not make love in it—not right away at least—but I want to be close to you tonight. I want to wrap my arm around your waist and pull you into the shelter of my body.”

His words definitely ignited a smoldering fire inside her. She tossed her single blanket aside, leaving on only the sheet and her nightgown.

Why did the thought of being snuggled against Lucas tonight fill a void in her heart rather than make her want to run screaming from the room? She had never yearned to be held by a man in this way.

Why are you doing this to me, Lucas?

She sighed. A longing to have him hold her close, to cherish and protect her, became an overwhelming need. Her life had been blown apart this summer. She wanted this man’s comfort.

Maybe this test also would help her decide how to respond to his proposal in the morning. “I suppose we can try.”

Lucas did not hesitate for a moment, but inched closer until his body hugged her backside from shoulders to thighs. His heavy arm draped around her waist. She feared he would cup her breast, but instead he placed his palm against her waist and pulled her even tighter against his hard body.

“How’re you doing, baby girl?”

“I…” Her voice sounded husky to her ears. She felt in no way like a baby girl. How could she sleep with him all over her like this? While definitely outside her comfort zone, she did not feel the need to run. “Okay, I guess. Good night, Lucas.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

T
he sound of dishes being stacked woke Cassie. She blinked several times until she could read the bedside clock. Almost five-thirty.

Rolling onto her back, her shoulder bumped against something hard, and she remembered Lucas had shared a bed with her last night. Slow heat crept up her neck and into her cheeks. He must have turned in his sleep because he was no longer pressed against her, thank the Goddess, but heat still emanated from his body.

She had fallen asleep in Lucas’s arms. How on earth had she managed to sleep with a man lying so close to her? Far from having it bother her, she had slept more soundly than she had in months.

Quietly, so as not to disturb his sleep, she removed the sheet and blankets and rose slowly from the mattress. She needed to speak with
Mamá
about the turmoil in her heart. No doubt, she was the one up at this early hour.

Cassie padded on bare feet into the kitchen wishing she had worn socks to keep the cold of the tile floor from seeping into her skin. Usually the cold didn’t bother her, but this morning it did for some reason. Was she missing the warmth of Lucas’s body?
Surely not
. Going back to the bedroom to grab her slippers might awaken him, though. She needed this time alone with
Mamá
before having to give him her answer.

There could be only one response to his proposal. She did not welcome the look of hurt she would see on his face, but she could not ask him to give up everything for a woman who might never be able to love him the way he deserved to be loved.

Now how to find a way to let him down gently.

“Good morning, Casandra. You seem lost in thought this morning.”

After greeting and hugging
Mamá
, she poured a mug of coffee and sat across from her mother at the table. “How did you know
Papá
was the one?”

Mamá
lifted her mug to take a sip of her hot tea—Cassie and
Papá
were the coffee drinkers—before answering. “I had admired him from afar during my teen years. Being so much younger and of a different social class, I had more trouble making him notice me. We were from two different worlds.”

Cassie had heard the story of how
Mamá
had healed
Papá’s
mother. Sadly, she died long before Cassie was born so she never knew her. But Cassie had inherited the woman’s bed, and while not as close as she was to her other
abuela
, she felt a connection to her, too.

“After spending so much time at his home, eventually
Papá
noticed me. Why do you ask this question? Are you having doubts about you and Lucas?”

“Oh, I do not know…”
…if I am capable of loving any man
. “It is not Lucas. I think he loves me—no, I
know
he does—but I am uncertain if I love him as much as he should be loved. How long did it take
Papá
to fall in love with you?”

Mamá
smiled enigmatically. “Do we ever know someone is truly in love with us?”

“How can you say that?
Papá’s
eyes almost twinkle when he looks at you. I have seen the two of you seek out each other’s hand to hold whenever you are near.”

Mamá
shrugged. “Love has many levels. I know when I exchange vows with him Saturday that I will do so with greater sincerity and love than I did as a young girl. I truly do love him more today than I did the first time we shared our vows.”