Nobody's Baby (20 page)

“Besides, if I let you steal my heart completely, I might never leave, and there are things I have to do or at least try. Me keeping my distance has nothing to do with you, because you’re a good baby for the most part. Your Uncle Rio — or Daddy or whatever you end up calling him — doesn’t know how lucky he is to have such a sweet boy.” Kate smiled at the baby and stroked his fingers with her thumb. “No. He doesn’t. He surely doesn’t.”

As quickly as her smile had formed, it disappeared and her face crumpled. She clapped a hand over her mouth and squeezed her eyes closed for a second, then sniffed and dashed a finger under her lashes.

Rio’s hopes had fallen with her first sentence. The effect of seeing her composure fail had been akin to someone kicking him in the gut.

Taking a deep breath, she extracted her finger from A.J.’s grasp. “Sorry, kiddo. This has to be goodbye for me and you. I’ve reached my limit of resistance where you’re concerned.”

Rio eased the door closed. He wanted to hit something. Too bad he didn’t have a punching bag in his gym. That would’ve been perfect, except the person taking the licks should be him. Kate was a strong woman. She knew what she wanted and went after it. He respected that. He did. But selfishly, he’d only thought about himself and A.J. when trying to get her to stay and how great it would be to be a family with Kate.

She’d sacrificed her wants and needs for years. Then she’d done this huge, generous thing for James and Allie so they could have a family and she could get a degree. An education was something most people took for granted, but she’d had to go to great lengths to get it. And what had Rio done but make things harder for her at every turn? All because it was easier to do it his way.

Not easier for Kate. He’d only made things more difficult for her. Well, that stopped now. Wasn’t there some saying about releasing someone you love and they’ll come back to you? This was Kate’s time to spread her wings. He had to let her go.

Rio took a fast, hot shower to clear his head and saw to an exceptionally complacent little boy’s needs. He stuck the monitor in his pocket and left A.J. staring in fascination at a motorized mobile hanging over the crib with soothing ocean sounds playing in the background.

Kate wasn’t hard to find. She was in her favorite spot in the sunroom off the kitchen, sipping coffee. One booted foot was tucked underneath a jeans-clad leg, while she used the other to keep the wicker rocker in motion. In the distance, snow plows were busy clearing the roads, making it possible for Kate’s exit from his life.

He ached with the knowledge of what had to be done but wasn’t sure he could pull it off.

*
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“I owe you an apology.” Rio’s voice shattered the serenity of Kate’s sanctuary.

She’d come in here for the quiet so she could listen for snow plows, so she could judge how close they were and when it was safe to leave. His statement piqued her curiosity. “What for?”

“I haven’t been completely honest with you. Hell, I wasn’t completely honest with myself.”

“I don’t understand.”

“That day in the hospital when I asked — okay, practically begged — you to come here with me, I was concerned for A.J., that he wouldn’t receive proper care with me in charge. But now I realize that wasn’t all of it. A part of me already didn’t want to let you go.”

His confession solidified something her mind had been shying away from. “Well, as long as we’re confessing, it wasn’t just A.J. I was afraid of becoming too attached to.”

Rio’s eyes gleamed like a mountain stream gilded by the summer sun. For a moment she thought she’d given away too much, but he simply looked down at the lined moccasins he usually wore indoors, rocked back on his heels twice and nodded. “We could be really good together, Kate.”

“Don’t start.” She pushed to her feet, took a stumbling step back, shook her head. “The roads are almost clear. I’m leaving.”

“I know.” He made a sound of disbelief as if he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “And this time I won’t try to stop you.”

Was this some kind of trick? Kate felt the need to reinforce her statement. “If I stay, I’d always wonder if I’d missed out on something. I would start resenting you and A.J. for making me give up my dream. That wouldn’t be fair to any of us.”

“I get that, but I never asked you to give up anything. You could still go to college. A.J. and I won’t stay here. We’ll go back to Denver, to Hawthorne House.”

“It wouldn’t be the same, Rio. I don’t want to be bitter, pushing everyone I love away because I didn’t have the courage to go after what I wanted. I have to do this on my own terms. I have this need to experience the college scene on campus and know that I gave myself the best chance at a better future.”

“So that’s it, then.” Much to Kate’s relief, he sounded more resigned than angry. “You just drop out of my life.”

“That was the plan all along. I’m not changing anything.”

“No. That was the plan before we made love. Whether you want to admit it or not, that changed everything.”

“Not for me it didn’t.” Kate fully expected a bolt of lightning to strike her down after that lie shot out of her mouth.

Rio’s lips formed a straight line. His chest expanded and contracted more forcefully. “I’m not surprised. Examining alternatives might require a little creative thinking on your part, an adjustment to your precious dream. Has it ever occurred to you that starting college in your late twenties won’t be the same as it would’ve been straight out of high school?”

Now there was something she hadn’t wanted to examine too closely. Ever. Her lungs seized with the fear that he could be right. It was a second before she could respond. “So what? I suppose you’d have me stay here and take over raising A.J. so you don’t have to be bothered.”

“I wouldn’t do that. He’s not a bother. I might’ve been reluctant to raise him at first, but I have never shirked my responsibilities to him.”

“Only because I kept pushing you to bond with him,” she snapped back.

“Not true. I would’ve done right by him, no matter what. I just wouldn’t have let my guard down. I took a risk. That’s more than you can say.”

“What? How can you say that? This whole thing has been nothing but risk for me. I risked my health and heart to gamble on a future.” Her voice rose, full of indignation. “You have no clue how difficult it’s been keeping my distance from that little guy upstairs. I carried him inside me, Rio. I realize you can’t relate to that, but believe me when I say it was a big deal. Huge. Staying here without connecting to him has at times been on the verge of excruciating. I’ve gone over and above the initial agreement. Now you would have me rearrange my life once again for your convenience?”

The snow plows were loud in the silence that followed her outburst. They were really close. A muscle in Rio’s jaw ticked and Kate figured he’d probably explode any second. Instead, he shook his head and scrubbed both hands over his face. “Believe it or not, I intended to come in here and apologize for hammering away at you to stay. I was even going to wish you good luck with college.”

He shook his head again, such a look of bewilderment on his face, Kate’s anger evaporated. Maybe she was a sap, but she believed him and almost felt sorry for him. “That would’ve been nice to hear.”

His eyes were bleak, the color of a winter sky just before a heavy snow. “I hope you find what you’re looking for, Kate. Be happy.”

“Thanks. You too.” Her words sounded rusty, edging around throat muscles rigid with emotion. “Goodbye, Rio.” She skirted around him, practically dashing to her room. It was time — now or never — because leaving Rio was proving to be more difficult than she’d ever imagined.

*
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K
ate bawled from I-40 to I-70 trying to expel the deep sadness that had weighed her down the moment she’d closed the condo door behind her. She’d said her goodbyes. It didn’t matter that Rio hadn’t responded. Instead, his “be happy” was the last thing he’d said to her and that somehow made her feel even worse.

She hated the feeling that she was making a mistake, cried over having to forego another night in Rio’s arms because she was too weak to do so and still leave. All her plans, all her wishing and waiting and hoping. How could this be the wrong path for her?

Tears falling too thick and fast for her to see the road, she pulled onto the shoulder and stopped. This was crazy. She couldn’t allow tender feelings for a man and baby to interfere with her plans. It was a beautiful day — a beginning, not an end. She had her whole life ahead of her. College, a career and then she could think about a man, a family. If she still wanted one by then.

She mopped her face, blew her nose and pulled back on the road, doggedly focusing on the positives. Even if she did have to repeat them like a mantra. Mile after mile, she talked herself out of turning around. When she tired of those reasons, she focused on her destination and the possibilities ahead. By the time she reached her little duplex, Kate’s eyes were puffy and her nose still red, but she was determined to ignore the hollow feeling in her chest and stomach.

Today was the first day of the rest of her life. Wasn’t that what optimists said? So, she’d look for the rainbow. Yes, it hurt to leave Rio and A.J. behind, but she’d known that going in. She had to toughen up and get over them because she deserved a new start, an education and a little fun for a change.

There might be some work ahead in order to be accepted by a younger crowd, but she was up to it. So she wanted a few “me” years. What was wrong with that?

Chapter Thirteen

S
taring at the Scrabble board in front of her, Kate smiled. This was nice. Really nice. An emotional hug. Thanksgiving at a restaurant with her brothers, back to her place for board games and sodas, then beer for Zach after the guys decided to crash at her place for the night. Perfect. Though how they could munch on cookies after the huge meal they’d eaten was a mystery. It felt like old times, when they hadn’t had money to do anything else. Well, except for the part where she couldn’t stop missing Rio and A.J. and kept wondering what kind of holiday they were having.

That was natural. It had only been a few days. She just had to keep focusing on the positives. Like Zach. He’d really come around. Back at the restaurant, he’d taken advantage of Dean’s restroom break and asked if she was really okay. She’d reassured him and they’d hugged. Dean had caught them and grinned. Even through such a great day with her own family, her last conversation with Rio replayed in her head and made her heart ache anew.

“Hey.” Zach waved a hand in front of her face, much more relaxed and agreeable than he’d been in a long time. “Earth to Kate. Your turn.”

“I’m strategizing.” She blinked and refocused on the board.

Dean burped loud and long. “That’s what I think of your strategizing.”

He and Zach nearly fell off their chairs laughing at her indignant expression. “For heaven’s sake, Dean. I thought you guys had outgrown that crude stuff. You’re supposed to be grown-ups now. Act like it.”

“Yes, Mama.” Dean snickered.

“Sisters are —”

“We know,” they interrupted her in stereo, then switched to sing-song mode. “Sister’s are grossed out by that stuff too. Ewwww!”

The last bit was more than a tad theatrical, the way they screwed up their faces, drew out the sound and ended with exaggerated gagging noises. Honestly, they could regress to childhood faster than she could blink. She rolled her eyes, shoved away from the table and grabbed their empties. “That’s it. I’m cutting you off. No more beer and sugared drinks for silly adolescents.”

The ring of a cell phone had both boys whipping out theirs. Zach shrugged. “Must be yours, Kate.”

“Are you sure?”

Twin “duh” looks sent her into the bedroom, though she didn’t rush. She couldn’t imagine who might be calling today, unless it was their mother. Maybe she’d been dumped by the yachting enthusiast and needed a handout. Sometimes the holidays reminded the woman she had offspring, sometimes it didn’t. One look at the display and Kate silenced the ringer.

Hawthorne House.

Yeah, she really didn’t need to repeat a bad case of withdrawals. One big bad bawling session hadn’t lessened the ache that persisted. Still, it helped to know he’d thought of her and wanted to reach out.

“Is it her?”

Kate whirled toward the sound of Dean’s voice. They both stood in the doorway. Zach’s sullen expression was back. Dean’s was carefully composed like her own, as if he felt the same way she did about Bianca Morrissey’s calls. Kate vacillated between wanting to see some kind of motherly acknowledgment of her existence and, at the same, dreading the whine that inevitably crept into a wheedling request for funds due to some devastating setback. Said devastation was usually quite ordinary, but overblown in their mother’s mind.

Kate shook her head. “It’s Rio.”

Her brothers exchanged a look.

“And you’re not going to answer?” Zach asked, his gaze turning suspicious.

“There’s no reason he should contact me ever again, or me him, for that matter.”

“Geez, Kate. That’s harsh.”

“Yeah,” Dean added, all oblivious like. “The guy seemed pretty decent, carrying you around fully loaded and the way he looked at you ...”

Zach smacked the back of his hand against Dean’s arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Stop it. Just stop —” Emotion crowded to the surface, cutting off Kate’s stern order.

“Damn, Kate. Don’t go getting all blubbery. We didn’t mean to stir up anything.” Zach shot a warning look at Dean who’d drawn back for a reciprocated slap shot.

Kate waived them backward, using the moments to compose herself. “Out. It’s been real, guys, but I’m tired.” She gave each of them a quick hug, not caring whether they wanted it or not. She needed it. “Linens and pillows are in the closet off the bathroom. Clean up your own messes and crash wherever. I’m calling it quits for the evening.”

Zach checked his cell, presumably for the time. “All right, but it’s not that late. Do you care if we watch TV for awhile?”

“Not at all. Just keep it down.”

After a relaxing warm shower, she checked her cell again. Missed call from Rio Hawthorne this time. His cell. What if something was wrong with A.J? What if ... no. Margaret was there. She could help Rio with anything that came up.

Unless she hadn’t been able to make it for some reason.

Kate debated for a few minutes, working herself into bundle of nerves that rivaled her pre-shower state. Ultimately, she decided that Rio would seek medical help for any emergency. If it were anything short of that and he hadn’t already handled it, he’d call back.

One minute she wished he
would
call back so she could hear his voice. The next, she hoped he didn’t and lay awake, waiting.

But soon she drifted off.

When her phone did finally ring, she jerked awake, muffled the sound with her hands, then answered on the third ring. No need letting him think she was lying here anticipating his call, even if she had been.

“Kate? It’s Rio. Were you asleep?” The sound of his voice washed over her like honey. Gravelly honey.

“What’s wrong, Rio?”

“Nothing. I just ...” A long pause followed. “I wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving.”

“Oh. Well, thanks. It was nice.” Relieved, she ignored the sensible part of her personality telling her to cut the call short. Instead, she burrowed further between the covers and relaxed. “I spent the bulk of the day with my brothers. They’re still here, crashing in the living room. How was yours? Did your mom make it in?”

“Yeah, and at the risk of sounding like a mama’s boy, it’s been nice having her around. She’s really enjoying being a grammy. I think it’s helped her deal with James and Allie’s absence.”

“That must’ve been difficult for both of you. First holiday without them and all that.”

“It was rough in spots, but A.J. was a nice buffer. He’s laughing now and is showing a little personality. Mom even shooed me off to bed and took the last feeding to have more time with him.”

Rio was in bed now? Kate squeezed her eyes closed, but that only brought to mind the memory of him sprawled beside her, gloriously naked, his eyes still hooded with the afterglow of lovemaking.

“How are you doing? Are you at school?”

Her eyes popped open with the realization that the sound of his voice was affecting her in a very personal, very intimate way. “Ah, no. At my place. I’ll head up to Greeley tomorrow to find an apartment. You’re sure nothing’s wrong? Is A.J. —”

“Easy there, Mama. He’s fine. I’m fine, more so now that I’ve heard your voice.”

“I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. I’m not anybody’s mama.” The man had a real thing about hearing her talk. Even while making love, he’d urged her to tell him what she liked, what she wanted. He’d encouraged her with words and touches and his very talented mouth to let him hear her pleasure. God help her, she’d been more than happy to comply and had reveled in seeing his added enjoyment.

“Closest thing he’s got to one. I think you’re so used to playing the role you don’t realize it’s there in everything you do. I read something about it the other day, how some people are natural nurturers.”

“I’m not even going to discuss that with you. This is crazy. We said goodbye.” No. She’d said it. Rio hadn’t. Maybe he’d never intended to completely let her go. The possibility made her pulse race.

“Yet you answered the phone.”

Kate ignored his little jab. “The call I missed earlier showed Hawthorne House. You’re back in Denver?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a business venture in town that needs looking after and a couple of other investments I’m considering. In any case, we’ll be here for a good long while.”

Kate felt certain that last tidbit of information was deliberately inserted into the conversation.
We’re sticking close, Kate. In case you change your mind.

Fat chance. She’d be crazy to abandon her dream for another boatload of responsibility, and one without any sort of commitment from Rio. Not that she was looking for anything like that at this stage in her life. “A stable environment is good for kids. Allie made sure the nursery had equipment for a baby at several stages of development. I’m sure A.J. will be happy there.”

“We miss you, Kate.”

The deep quiet of his tone seeped into her pores, burrowed into her skin and shot straight to her inner core. For a few moments, and only a few, Kate let herself imagine lying next to Rio in his big bed, back home after a day as a child psychologist, tending kids damaged by life. And he’d say something similar, like “I missed you today, babe.” Then she’d turn in his arms and they’d make love, sometimes with the humor he exhibited in unexpected flashes, sometimes with heightened desire and a pleasure so intense it made her cry.

His sigh brought Kate back to reality. “I’m sorry, Rio, but this is the way it has to be. Talking like this just makes things worse. You call, and I start imagining all kinds of dire circumstances, so please don’t do this again. Leave me alone.”

She ended the call before he could reply or she could rethink the impulsive action. The quiet pushed in from all sides, cutting off her air supply. Her lungs burned with the effort it took to suppress the sobs clawing at her throat, but she couldn’t contain the steady leak that sprang from her eyes.

Damn the man anyway. It seemed all Rio Hawthorne was good for was tipping her world off its axis.

*
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R
io was glad to have his mother back at Hawthorne House. It had taken him all of one day to figure out that he didn’t want to stay at the condo without Kate. Football on the giant flat screen, a big Thanksgiving day feast and a good night’s sleep left him feeling refreshed, but unsettled. After his conversation with Kate, he sensed he’d missed something important.

A week later, the feeling still hadn’t abated.

“Rio, you’re staring at a baby bottle,” his mom informed him as she crossed the kitchen. “You do realize I just got A.J. to sleep? He won’t need that for awhile.”

Rio roused and shook his head like a dog, trying to wake up, mentally speaking. “After lunch I decided to mix up some formula to have on hand in the fridge. Guess I’m in a food coma or something.”

“ Mmm. Or something. I don’t think food has anything to do with you staring off into space.” She sat on a bar stool across the counter from him.

“Oh, yeah? What is it, then?” he asked, unable to remember if this was bottle number two or three until he stuck it in the fridge beside the other two.

“A cumulative lack of sleep and a fair share of pining for a young lady you spent a lot of time with over the last couple of months.”

“Pining?” Rio resealed the can of formula and put it away. “Isn’t that something women did centuries ago?”

“Don’t be silly. Pining for someone you love isn’t exclusively a female trait nor confined to an era.”

He rounded the bar and sat on a stool one away from his mom’s. “You think I’m pining for Kate.”

She glanced pointedly at his cell lying on the counter some distance away. “You’re not checking that thing every five minutes like you were Thanksgiving Day, so I figure you must’ve talked with Kate. Plus, you’ve been antsy ever since.”

“I never said I was trying to call Kate.”

“Son. Please. Who else would have you tied in knots?”

Rio quit the verbal dance and came clean. “I talked to her last night. She wasn’t happy about it and now I feel ...” He shrugged. “I don’t know how to describe it. There’s this nagging feeling that we’re unfinished, but she’s stubbornly insisting we shouldn’t have contact.”

“Have you told her you love her?”

Rio straightened, then did a double-take. “Now you’re starting to scare me. How do you know that?”

“It’s written all over you, for someone who knows what to look for.”

“I can’t tell her, Mom. I’ve already caused her enough grief just insisting she stay and help me with A.J.”

“You didn’t force her to do it. Kate struck me as having a pretty strong backbone. She wouldn’t have gone to the condo with you unless she wanted to.”

“I don’t know. The reporters were hounding us. Then I dangled money and an easier time at college in front of her. I even played on her feelings for A.J. to get my way.”

“Oh, Rio, really. We both know you went to great lengths and considerable expense to ensure Kate’s safety,
and
you bent over backwards to minimize her exposure to A.J. These reasons for not telling her are nothing but smoke and mirrors. Like everyone who’s ever fallen in love, you’re afraid of rejection.”