No One's Hero (Chadwell Hearts) (17 page)

Once I’m behind my locked door, I wince as I hear Tanner yelp on the other side. Then he says something, but it’s muffled. I press my ear to my door, hoping to hear better.

“I’m not here to hurt her, I swear. I just wanted to apologize. I like her.”

I thought I liked him too, but I can’t like someone who can’t or won’t be honest with me. I sigh. I’ve either got the worst taste in boys, or I’m cursed. They’re either sleazeballs, or in Kevin’s case, unavailable.

“I don’t care why you’re here, just that you’re here after I told you not to be.”

“Doesn’t she get a say in it? Maybe she wants to see me?”

Score one for him. Except his voice is such a pitiful whine as he says it that it sort of kills the effect.

Tanner yelps again and I hear a thump. “Dude, what are you doing?”

“Checking you for weapons.” Kevin sounds tired, and I don’t blame him. I’m tired of listening to Tanner whine and I’m not the one patting him down. “Stay,” Kevin says in a tone that offers no room for argument.

I back away from the door just in time. It opens inward and Kevin pops his head inside.  “Do you want to talk to him?”

I bite my lip. I do, but I don’t think Kevin wants me to, and I’m trying to make things easy for him. Also, what can Tanner really say that will make a difference?

“Lexi, it’s totally up to you.” Kevin gives me a reassuring half smile.

All of a sudden, I’m nervous. It’s hard having decisions thrust into my lap. What if I make the wrong one and Kevin gets hurt trying to defend me? Although, on further thought, it’s laughable to think that Tanner could ever pose a threat to Kevin. “I’ll hear what he’s got to say, I guess.”

Kevin nods and I follow him into the hall.

Tanner looks nervously between us, then keeps his eyes locked on me, as if he’s trying to forget Kevin is right there, within range of beating the shit out if him if he says the wrong thing. “That night, I wanted to tell you the truth, that’s why I was taking you for a ride.”

“Why did you need to take me for a ride to tell me the truth?”

“When I met you the night of orientation, I could tell you assumed I lived here in the dorm, and I don’t know why, I just didn’t want to correct you. But the truth was, I was just here helping a buddy of mine move in. I don’t even go here. I didn’t have the grades to get in, or the money to make them look past that.”

“So you don’t live in the dorm.”

“No. Which is why I couldn’t tell you my room number.”

I sigh. I’m such a fool, making assumptions. “So where were you taking me the other night?”

Tanner shrugs, then gives me a sheepish smile. “To my house. I was going to show you the truth.”

“More like you were hoping to sleep with me, and that was the only available place, so the truth was going to come out. You know Kevin would have stopped you before you could have gotten past first base if you’d brought me back here to the dorms.”

Tanner shoves his hands in his pockets and stares at the wall beside my head rather than meeting my glare. “Well, yeah, but I also wanted you to know the truth.”

“Bullshit. Get the fuck out of my face. I don’t have time for liars.”

“Lexi—”

“She said go.” Kevin takes a menacing step closer to Tanner, and with a last apologetic glance at me, Tanner takes off down the hallway, taking with him the only hope I’ve had so far of a normal relationship at college. This shit sucks.

—-♥—-

K
evin

Lexi is quiet and distracted on the short ride to the barn. And that’s not good. If she’s distracted, she might not notice danger.

Son of a bitch! That punk has ruined her day without even trying. I knew he lived off campus. That report came in the other night, and I assumed that’s where he’d been taking her just based on the road they’d been on. I’d kept it from Lexi because I hadn’t wanted to upset her. Most people, they think they want to know the truth about everything, but really they just want truth-tinted bubbles of oblivion. They want just enough honesty so that they can feel good about what they don’t know, and they can continue living in within the walls of their lies.

What people don’t realize is that lies create isolation. One lie compounds into another, and then another, and eventually they are surrounded by them, but if they remove just one, the entire structure falls apart and collapses around them, leaving them no shelter from the truths they can’t bear to face. I’ve learned pretty quickly that no matter what I learn, some things I have to keep to myself unless directly and explicitly asked for the information.

Take Axel, for example. Tess asked me to look into something concerning him and I did, and I found what—or rather who—she was looking for. But what I also found? That’s not something either of us are sure that Axel is going to want to know. So do we keep it to ourselves? Or do we tell him? That’s something we’re going to have to decide soon, and either way, he might hate us for it.

So yeah, I kept Tanner’s secrets and didn’t tell Lexi. If he’d been smart, he would have just disappeared without another word. Unfortunately, he had to come rub salt in her wounds. Although I’m proud of her. She saw right through his bullshit, and she held her ground. Once again I’m left to realize she’s stronger than we all give her credit for.

But she’s also sad. And fucking-A, I hate seeing this girl sad.

Lexi looks forlorn, like she wants to fold herself into herself a few times over until she’s tiny and invisible. She picks at an imaginary fleck of dirt on her pants and stares out the window. “What are you going to do while I ride?”

And just like that, I know how I can cheer her up and maybe even bring out that smile of hers that I love. She’s so selfless and cares so much about everyone else, even me, and she wants me to put my past in the past. I’m not ready to do it, but I can make a show of it for her sake. “I was thinking I’d ride with you, that is if it’s all right with you.”

Her head snaps up. “You ride?”

“Well no, but I’m hoping I’m a fast learner. I was thinking I might bring my camera. Surely there’ll be something worth shooting on the trail, right?” Of course, with her on it, I already know there will be. I’ve been having the urge to take photos of her, like I used to take of Nuri, but I’m just not sure I can bring myself to do it. It feels too personal, and I don’t want to give her the wrong impression.

Lexi’s face softens.  “I’d like that, although I’m not sure what the rules are about others riding the school horses. We’ll have to ask.”

The barn manager ends up as easy to convince as Lexi, although I’m not sure this is what Axel intended when he provided me with a hefty expense account for this assignment. Oh well, he’ll get over it.

The horse they let me borrow is a pretty reddish brown color; Lexi called him chestnut, I think. His fur is short and glossy, and when I tentatively rub his nose he huffs into my hands. His breath smells like molasses, sweet rather than stinky like most animals.

“Don’t worry, Archie will take good care of you.” She pats the horse’s neck while she holds the reins, keeping him positioned in front of the step-stool she expects me to use to climb on. As if a big, tall man like me needs a step stool.

I attempt to lift my foot to the stirrup and groan.

Okay, so I seriously need a step stool. What of it?

She’s stifling a laugh, but I can’t hold it against her. I’m just happy she’s perked up.

“Crap. I forgot my bag in the barn. It’s got your camera in it and a map of the trails in case we get lost. Can you hold Vandal’s reins for a moment? I’ll be right back.” She thrusts the reins into my hands without waiting for a response and speed-walks away. Apparently there is no running allowed in the barn, but her excitement is showing. And I get it. She used to ride for pleasure all the time at home, but here, riding is all business. Today is her chance to relax and remember why she loves it.

She’s gone longer than I expect, and her expression is more subdued when she returns. “Everything okay?” I ask as she swings deftly into her own saddle, making it look elegant and easy. I ruefully note that she doesn’t use a step stool. She’s got a messenger bag slung sideways across her body.

“Yeah, Madison was just in my face again. What else is new. Just keep your heels light, don’t dig them into his side, and keep your hands loose. Vandal’s his buddy, so he’ll mostly want to follow her anyway. But if you do need to steer, pull left to go left, right to go right. Pretty simple.”

Yeah, easy for her to say. But for someone like me who thrives on controlling his environment, I’m pretty sure this is going to be torture.

—-♥—-

L
exi

The trail is clearly marked and easy to find once we’ve ridden past the rolling pastures that surround the barn. We leave the scents of hay, leather, and sawdust behind, entering the domain of the September forest. The leaves on the tall oak trees have just begun to turn, entrancing us with dazzling displays of gold, red, orange, and brown. Leaves shed in past years carpet the trail, and I can’t help being reminded of one fall, several years ago.

My mother was having one of her good days, and it had been a part of an especially upbeat week for her. We rarely took vacations as a family, because we never knew when my mother might have another spell, but my father was encouraged by her mood, so he said we would take a spontaneous weekend trip. We loaded up our van and set out south for Skyline Drive. I’ll never forget how beautiful everything was as we followed the mountain-edged road, looking at the fall colors while I held my mother’s hand. Maybe, if this clinical trial Axel got her into works, we can have more memories like that.

I have to push away the sadness or else it will envelope me, and I’ll never shake it off. “Have you ridden before?” I call backwards over my shoulder.

“Not since Axel and I were kids. I used to spend a lot of time with him out at their farm, but we usually found more trouble than trail riding.”

In my mind, Kevin is smirking, and I’m tempted to turn in my saddle to confirm my suspicion, but I decide that some things are better left to the imagination. We ride without talking for a bit, the chorus of the birds and the wind in the leaves joining voices with the creaking leather of our saddles. “If you want to stop somewhere to take pictures, just let me know.”

“Okay.”

The trail splits up ahead and a wooden stake displays arrows pointing in each direction. One points behind us, marking the way back to the barn, one to the left is denoted as a short trail, while the one to the right is marked as a long trail. What I don’t know is how long is long and how short is short. I apply gentle pressure to my legs while deepening my seat, encouraging Vandal to halt. Then I slide my messenger bag in front of myself and dig out the map. “It looks like the short trail is about a thirty-minute ride, and the long one is about two hours, round trip. Do you think you’re up for that?” I glance behind me.

Kevin winks. “Only if you’re up for massaging whatever is sore later.”

My cheeks heat and I’d like to throw something at him to wipe that smirk off his face, but I don’t want to scare Archie. And if I’m being honest, the idea of massaging Kevin’s sore ass and thighs is not a bad prospect. “Are you going to return the favor?” To my disappointment, Kevin doesn’t blush. But I do think his eyes are a bit warmer. “Do you want your camera?”

He nods, so I guide Vandal close enough to hand it over. Once he’s got the strap draped around his neck we set off again, picking the longer trail. Every so often, I sneak a peek back at him. Even though he’s not exactly comfortable in the saddle, he’s managing well. His hips and knees are stiff and a bit awkward, preventing him from just moving naturally with the horse’s gait, and there’s a determined frown etched across his face. But he keeps his balance as Archie steps over fallen brush, and sometimes when I look I catch him petting Archie’s neck, so at least he isn’t gripping the reins or Archie’s mane for dear life the way many newbie riders do.

I also love that he doesn’t feel the need to talk. The forest reminds me of Chadwell Farm, and it’s almost like being home. The familiar sounds and smells soothe me, erasing some of the stress of settling in with new people in a new place. Even though I’m starting to not mind Kevin’s company, if he were talking I’m afraid it would ruin the peaceful effect of just letting myself get lost in the pleasure of the ride.

Rustling leaves and a flash of white through the nearby branches catches my eye and I stop Vandal to look, motioning silently with an upheld palm for Kevin to do the same. Sure enough, just through the first layer of trees, a family of deer is grazing on a patch of grass. I point them out and Kevin gets a wistful smile on his face as he lifts his camera to his eye, squinting into the viewfinder. There’s something about being so close to nature that changes you. It’s like it reminds you that the world around you, life itself, goes on no matter what. Its very balance between being delicate and enduring is like a promise that no matter how much shit falls to hell around you, if you just hold on, you can survive. You might not be untouched or unchanged, but you’ll endure.

It also has a way of making me feel small, and I’m okay with that. My problems, my heartache, someday will mean nothing. So maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. This, right here, is why I knew I needed this ride.

Kevin’s camera whirs as he presses the shutter and the deer lift their head. Awareness ripples across their shoulders and at any moment they will probably flee. Because unlike us, deer are smart enough to run at the first hint of danger. Sure, it might not always work out for them, but at least they have a fighting chance.

I know people are supposed to be the top of the food chain, but sometimes I have to wonder why. When confronted with obvious signs of danger, we ignore them and try to convince ourselves of the legitimacy of our false senses of security. I send Vandal down the trail again, listening to the nearby sounds of the deer scurrying to safety while I follow the path laid out before me, heading back to the chaos of the barn, because what choice do I have? When it comes to fight or flight, I’ll pick fight every time.