No More Mr. Nice Guy! (8 page)

Taking Good Care of the Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves
Taking good care of the self is essential for changing one's belief about the self. If a Nice Guy believes he isn't worth much, his actions toward himself will reflect this belief. When a recovering Nice Guy begins to consciously do good things for himself, these actions imply that he must be worth something.

When I address this issue with Nice Guys, they frequently can't think of more than one or two good things to do for themselves. Together, we will often brainstorm and make a list of possible things to do.

These good things can range from simple acts like drinking lots of water or flossing their teeth to more extensive things like taking a trip or buying the car
they
have always wanted. Below are a few possibilities:

● Exercise, work out, go for a walk.

● Eat healthy food.

● Get enough sleep.

● Relax, play, goof off.

● Get a massage.

● Go out with buddies.

● Buy a new pair of shoes.

● Get shoes polished.

● Get dental work done.

● Get a physical.

● Listen to music.

As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused. These feelings are the result of what is called
cognitive dissonance.

When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is doing something that implies he is valuable.

This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance — a clashing of two competing messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being good to themselves, no matter how frightening. In time the core messages from childhood are replaced with new, more accurate beliefs that reflect their inherent worth.

Todd, introduced in the beginning of the chapter, spent so much time trying to get the approval of others that he rarely did anything for himself. On the encouragement of other men in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Todd decided to consciously begin doing things for himself. He began small by buying himself new socks and underwear.

After a few weeks he started an exercise program and began working out regularly. Even though it made him feel guilty, he started going to a massage therapist every other week. After six months, Todd decided to spend $2,000 dollars to join a singles activity club. He shared with the group that even though he occasionally heard a little voice that said he wasn't worth it, doing so was one of the most affirming things he had ever done. A couple of months later, he reported that he had gone on two dates with two different women, both of whom seemed to like him just as he was.

Breaking Free Activity #9

Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where
you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself.

Affirming Self

Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy's core belief about himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy's worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the affects of affirmations are usually short-lived. This is because these messages are contrary to the oldest, deepest beliefs the Nice Guy holds about himself. Affirmations are only effective when used along with other processes that help change the Nice Guy's core beliefs.

Breaking Free Activity #10

Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them
where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read
affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency
of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.

The following are some possible affirmations:

"I am lovable just as I am."

"I am perfectly imperfect."

"My needs are important."

"I am a strong and powerful person."

"I can handle it."

"People love and accept me just as I am."

"It is OK to be human and make mistakes."

"I am the only person I have to please."

Spending Time Alone

Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Spending extended time alone is an important process in recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are, what they like about themselves, and what rules they choose to govern their lives. I strongly recommend that Nice Guys take trips and retreats by themselves to places where no one knows them. In this context, the Nice Guy has fewer reasons to try to win people's approval, and there is less of a need to try to hide faults and mistakes. While alone, Nice Guys can reflect on themselves and their life direction. It is also a good time to practice taking responsibility for one's needs.

When alone, the recovering Nice Guy can do what he wants without having to please or compromise. He will go to bed and get up when he wants. He will decide when and what to eat. He will decide where he goes and what he does. When alone he will be less likely to caretake, seek approval, sacrifice self, or try to fix someone's problems.

Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys face their number one fear —

loneliness and isolation. When the Nice Guy discovers that spending time alone doesn't kill him, he may also realize that he doesn't have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.

This time alone is spent most effectively when the Nice Guy can observe his tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or using sex, food, or alcohol to medicate. Writing in a journal during these times can be especially effective. Some of the most insightful periods I have experienced in life have been by myself on weekend camping trips, week-long retreats, and times when my wife has been out of town.

Breaking Free Activity #11

Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or
longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all
possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal.

Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises.

When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin
returning to familiar patterns.

Revealing Self

Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

When Nice Guys try to hide their humanity from others, they reinforce their core belief that they are bad and unlovable. Changing this core belief requires that they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and receive more accurate messages than the ones internalized in childhood.

By necessity, this process requires a safe person or safe people.

As frightening as it may initially feel, finding these safe people is essential for learning to approve of self. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part alone. Safe people are essential for reversing the distorted beliefs all Nice Guys have about their worth.

This process requires building trust. I suggest that the recovering Nice Guy set a regular time to meet with his safe person or group, and a little at a time, start revealing himself. This process begins by just talking about himself. This in itself makes many Nice Guys uncomfortable. Over time, the recovering Nice Guy can begin revealing the things about himself that he is the least comfortable letting others see.

Once trust has been established, he can begin to reveal things about himself that create fear and shame. I have watched many Nice Guys go from being secretive and evasive to revealing their deepest, darkest secrets in the presence of safe people.

Reid, a recovering alcoholic and a member of a No More Mr. Nice Guy! group is a good example of this process.

Reid came into a group late one evening and remained quiet and detached for the first thirty or forty minutes. Reid's pattern in the group was to either join in actively or stay withdrawn. His quiet periods were often a signal that he was emotionally distraught. When an opportune time arose, I told Reid that he seemed withdrawn and I asked how he was doing.

Once the attention of the group focused on him, his appearance shifted from detachment to terror. "I almost didn't come tonight." He whispered softly as he looked down at his hands. "In fact, I was thinking about quitting the group."

A couple of the guys reflected the concern of the whole group by asking what was going on.

"I just feel so terrible," Reid continued, "I've done something so terrible, I just didn't know if I could face all of you."

My thoughts began to race as to what he could have done that might cause the group rise up in judgment against him. One of the group members asked if he was having an affair.

"No, worse." Reid responded. "I've done something so terrible, I don't even know if I can tell you about it."

As the group offered their support and encouragement, Reid broke through his fear and shame and began to open up.

"Last week I got reprimanded by my boss and then I got into a fight with my wife. I was so depressed that I went out and bought a fifth of Vodka and got drunk. I've been on a binge ever since and I just can't make myself stop."

Tears were running down Reid's face as the shame of his addiction to alcohol raised its ugly head once again. He had been clean and sober since joining the group six months earlier. He was active in AA, but had experienced a number of slips and relapses in his 12 years of recovery.

A group member handed him a box of tissues and Reid wiped his eyes. He then continued telling his story and revealing his shame in between sobs.

"I'm back to all my old ways of lying and manipulating. I'm totally out of control."

I asked if he had called his sponsor or gone to a meeting since this began. He shook his head and shared that he had slipped so many times that he didn't think anyone would care or want him back.

Various members of the group shared with Reid that they didn't think he was bad nor did they have judgment of him. They could see that he was hurting. They told him that they had great respect that he came into group and revealed what was going on, especially since he had so much shame about it.

After a few moments, Reid revealed, "That's not all. There's more." He began to sob once again. Lifting his hand to his forehead he shook his head as in disgust for himself.

"It gets worse. I went to the peep shows near my work two times this week." He turned his eyes to the floor and wept almost uncontrollably. "I had been doing so good." he choked out between sobs, "Now I've blown it all. I feel totally worthless and don't want to go on living. I've made a mess of everything."

For the rest of the hour, the group supported Reid and encouraged him to go all the way through his shame. They reassured him that he wasn't bad and that no one had judgment of him. To the contrary, everyone respected him for revealing his shame and pain. They supported him in talking to his wife, calling his sponsor and going to a meeting. They asked him to call one group member each day during the next week and let them know how he was doing.

When Reid left the group that night, he was obviously shaken and scared. He had also released a heavy burden and received the support of a group of people who genuinely cared about him and wanted him to be OK. No matter how deeply Reid feared that his badness would cause people to judge him and abandon him, neither of these things happened. Instead, he received the message that there was nothing he could do that would make the men in the group stop liking him or stop caring about him.

Shedding Old Skin

As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths.

● They are not bad.

● They don't have to do anything to win other people's approval.

● They don't have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes.

● People can love them just as they are.

As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other human, Nice Guys make mistakes, use poor judgment, and act inappropriately. Nevertheless, their humanity doesn't make them bad or unlovable nor does it cause other people to stop loving them.

Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don't draw much of a crowd or get many ovations.

By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves, recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they have always desired. By learning to approve of themselves, they begin to radiate a life energy and charisma that draws people to them. As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a door to start getting what they really want in love and life.