No More Mr. Nice Guy! (3 page)

"He will never tell me when something is bothering him. He'll just keep it in and it will build like a pressure cooker. I won't have a clue that anything is bothering him. And then out of the blue, he'll explode and we'll end up in a big fight. If he would just tell me when he is upset about something, it would make it a lot easier."

"When I try to talk to him about something that is bothering me, he tries to fix it. He thinks that if I just did everything his way, it would solve all my problems. He always tells me I dwell on the negative and that he can never make me happy. All I really want is for him to listen to me."

"After all the other crummy men I've been with, I thought I had finally found a nice guy that I could trust. Five years into our marriage I found out that he was addicted to pornography and peep shows. I was devastated. I never even had a clue."

"I wish I could wave a magic wand, keep all of his good traits, and make all the others disappear."

The Integrated Male

After enrolling in a No More Mr. Nice Guy! therapy group, Gil, a pleasant man in his early fifties revealed that his wife was supportive of his joining a group. Nevertheless, he harbored a secret fear that she would be angry at what the name of the group seemed to imply — "How to stop being a Nice Guy and become an S.O.B." Using typical Nice Guy logic, Gil questioned why any woman would be supportive of men becoming "not nice."

Because Nice Guys tend to be very black and white in their thinking, the only alternative they can see to being nice is becoming "bastards" or "jerks." I frequently remind Nice Guys that
the opposite of crazy is
still crazy
, so becoming a "jerk" isn't the answer.

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome isn't about going from one extreme to another. The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn't involve becoming "not nice." Rather, it means becoming "integrated."

Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one's self.
An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side.

An integrated male possesses many of the following attributes:

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He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.

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He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.

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He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.

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He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.

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He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.

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He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.

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He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.

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He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.

An integrated male doesn't strive to be perfect or gain the approval of others. Instead he accepts himself just as he is, warts and all. An integrated male accepts that he is perfectly imperfect.

Making the transformation from a Nice Guy to an integrated male doesn't come about by just trying harder to be a good man. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome demands embracing a totally different way of viewing oneself and the world, a complete change in one's personal paradigm. Let me explain.

Paradigms

A paradigm is the road map we use to navigate life's journey. Everyone uses these road maps and everyone assumes the map they are using is up-to-date and accurate.

Paradigms often operate at an unconscious level, yet they determine to a large degree our attitudes and behaviors. They serve as a filter through which we process life experiences. Data that does not fit our paradigm is screened out, never reaching our conscious mind. Information that does fit our paradigm is magnified by the process, and adds even greater support for that particular way of believing.

Paradigms, like road maps, can be great tools for speeding us along on our journey. Unfortunately, if they are outdated or inaccurate, they can send us in the wrong direction or fruitlessly driving around the same old neighborhood. When this happens we often keep trying harder to find our desired destination while feeling more and more frustrated. Even though an individual following an inaccurate or outdated paradigm may think his behavior makes perfect sense, those around him may wonder what he could possibly be thinking to make him act the way he does.

Most paradigms are developed when we are young, naïve, and relatively powerless. They are often based on the inaccurate interpretations of childhood experiences. Since they are often unconscious, they are rarely evaluated or updated. Perhaps most significantly, they are assumed to be 100 percent accurate

— even when they are not.

The Ineffective Nice Guy Paradigm

The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:

●
IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be

●
THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative:
try harder.

Nice Guys are notoriously slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters when their paradigms are challenged. Their inclination is to hang on to belief systems that have proven to be consistently unworkable, yet are so embedded in their unconscious mind that to challenge them is tantamount to heresy. It is difficult for Nice Guys to consider doing something different, even when what they are doing isn't working.

Jason, whose sexual difficulties with his wife, Heather, were introduced at the beginning of the chapter, is a good example of the frustration that can result from an ineffective Nice Guy paradigm. Jason had a controlling, perfectionist father who put unrealistic demands on Jason and his siblings. His father believed there was one right way to do everything — his way. Jason's mother was an emotionally dependent woman who lived through her children. When his mother was needy, she would smother her kids. When the children had needs, she was often too emotionally distressed to respond.

Jason learned to cope with his childhood experience by developing a paradigm that included:

● Believing that if he could figure out how to do everything right, he could garner his father's approval and avoid his criticism.

● Believing that if he responded to his mother's neediness by being attentive and nurturing, she would be available to him when he had needs.

● Believing that if he was never a moment's problem, he would get love and approval.

● Believing that if he hid his mistakes, no one would ever get mad at him.

As a child, Jason was too naive and powerless to realize that no matter what he did, he would never live up his father's expectations. Similarly, no matter how giving he was, his needy mother would never be available to nurture him. He could not see that there really was no way to do everything right. And regardless of how well he believed he hid his flaws or mistakes, people might still get angry at him.

Even when his childhood road map failed to take him in the desired direction, the only option he could see was to just keep trying harder doing more of the same. The only thing his paradigm ever really did was to create a distraction from his feelings of fear, worthlessness, and inadequacy.

In adulthood, Jason tried to apply his childhood paradigm to his relationship with his wife. Like his mother, his wife was only attentive when she was emotionally needy. Like his father, she could be critical and controlling. By applying his childhood road map to his marriage — trying to do everything right, being attentive and nurturing, never being a moment's problem, hiding his mistakes — Jason created an illusion that he could get his wife to approve of him all the time, be sexually available whenever he wanted, and never get mad at him. His defective paradigm prevented him from seeing that no matter what he did, his wife would still at times be cold, critical, and unavailable,
and
that maybe he needed her to be that way. Even when his paradigm was just as ineffective in adulthood as it was in childhood, Jason's only option seemed to be to just keep trying harder.

Doing Something Different

One of my all time favorite
Seinfeld
episodes is the one where George decided to change his life by acting the opposite of how he would have typically behaved. Ironically, by doing everything the opposite, he gets a beautiful girlfriend and a job with the Yankees. While doing everything the opposite may not be the answer for breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome, doing some things different is.

Over the last several years, I have watched countless men "do something different" by applying the principles contained in this book. These men have transformed themselves from resentful, frustrated, helpless Nice Guys into assertive, empowered, and happy individuals.

Just like George on the
Seinfeld
show, when Nice Guys decide to make a change, interesting things begin to happen. Among other things, I've watched these men:

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Accept themselves just as they are.

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Use their mistakes as valuable learning tools.

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Stop seeking the approval of others.

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Experience loving and intimate relationships.

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Make their needs a priority.

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Find people who are able and willing to help them meet their needs.

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Learn to give judiciously, with no strings attached.

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Face their fears.

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Develop integrity and honesty.

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Set boundaries.

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Build meaningful relationships with men.

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Create healthier, more satisfying relationships with women.

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Experience and express their feelings.

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Deal with problems directly.

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Develop an intimate and satisfying sexual relationship.

●
Find peace with the changing complexities of life.

Asking For Help

Nice Guys believe they should be able do everything on their own. They have a difficult time asking for help and try to hide any signs of imperfection or weakness. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves reversing this pattern.

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one's self and receiving support
from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy
Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process.

I encourage recovering Nice Guys to begin this process with a therapist, therapy group, 12-step group, a religious leader, or close friend. Since Nice Guys tend to seek out the approval of women, I strongly encourage them to begin this process with men. For some Nice Guys, the concept of "safe men" may seem like an oxymoron, but I highly recommend it anyway.

I have been leading men's therapy groups for recovering Nice Guys for several years. Some of the most significant aspects of my own recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome (even before I knew what it was) occurred in the context of 12-step groups and therapy groups. Even though I am sure it is possible to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome without the help of a group, it is the most effective tool I know for facilitating the recovery process.

Breaking Free Activities

If you recognize yourself or someone you love in what you have read so far, read on. This book presents a practical and effective guide for breaking free from the negative effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome.

This program has worked for countless men and it can work for you or a loved one.

To help facilitate this process, I present numerous
Breaking Free
activities throughout the book.

These Breaking Free activities serve to facilitate the paradigm shift that is necessary for recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. They will not only help recovering Nice Guys understand where their paradigms came from, but will help replace them with more accurate and up-to-date ones. These assignments will also point recovering Nice Guys in a direction that will help them start doing things differently.

Breaking Free: Activity #1

Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in
your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups
in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish
this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is
another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for
information. If you have access to the internet you can search for 12-step groups or support
groups.

Caution

Before you decide to apply the principles presented in this book, I must first warn you about two things.

The first is that the program of recovery presented in
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
is not just a few good ideas to try on for size. It represents a challenge to everything Nice Guys believe about what they must do to be loved, get their needs met, and keep their world calm.

Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves a radical change in perspective and behavior.

Trying to do it halfway will only result in needless suffering.

Second, breaking free from the Nice Guy syndrome will significantly effect your personal relationships.

If you are currently in a relationship, I encourage you to ask your partner to read this book along with you. The program of recovery presented in
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
will significantly affect not only you, but also those closest to you. Though your partner may be supportive of you making positive changes, they may also initially frighten him or her. Reading this book together can help facilitate this transition.