No More Mr. Nice Guy! (18 page)

That evening, it seemed as if a miracle had occurred. Joe's wife came home from work in a good mood and asked Joe if he wanted to go for a walk. While walking she told him how she had resolved the previous day's problem. Joe revealed to his wife how uncomfortable it had made him to not try to fix her problem the previous evening. She responded by telling Joe that she didn't want him to try to fix her problems and that she liked it better that he had given her some space to work it out on her own.

Doing Something Different When Beginning A New Relationship Helps Nice Guys Get
The Love They Want

For Nice Guys who see a relationship come to an end, or for the ones who are presently single, I encourage them to take a different approach when beginning new relationships. Relationships are messy and there is no way to eliminate the bumps and potholes, but we don't have to make them any more difficult than they already are. This is one area where I strongly encourage Nice Guys to
do something
different.
That is, enter relationships with a healthy agenda, rather than an unconscious, dysfunctional one.

Doing something different means choosing a different kind of partner. A fixer-upper may be a fun challenge when it comes to restoring a car, but it's a terrible way to choose a partner. Nice Guys have a tendency, due to their own insecurities, to pick partners who seem like they need a little polishing.

Because they don't know why a healthy or independent person would want them, they settle for a diamond in the rough. They tend to pick partners who have had troubled childhoods, are sexual abuse survivors, have had a string of bad relationships, are depressed, are having money problems, are overweight, or are struggling single moms. Then they go to work operating from a covert contract —

fixing, caretaking, and pleasing — all with the hope that she will turn out to be a polished gem.

Unfortunately, this strategy rarely works.

When recovering Nice Guys create relationships with people who don't need fixing, they improve their odds of finding the love they want. This doesn't mean searching for the
perfect
partner, just one who is already taking responsibility for her own life. Over time, the members of my No More Mr. Nice Guy!

groups have come up with a number of traits to
consciously
look for when creating new relationships.

These traits include (in no particular order):

● Passion.

● Integrity.

● Happiness.

● Intelligence.

● Sexual assertiveness.

● Financial responsibility.

● Commitment to personal growth.

Nice Guys who are already in a relationship may find it unsettling if their current partner doesn't fare well by this list (especially if it is the Nice Guy doing the evaluating). That doesn't mean they need to jump out of the relationship and go looking for greener pastures. Instead, I encourage these men to first begin addressing their own behaviors and look at why they needed to create the kind of relationship they have with their present partner.

Finding a new partner won't be the solution if the Nice Guy still needs the same kind of relationship. I have found that when recovering Nice Guys begin dealing with their own dysfunctional patterns, their relationships also begin changing. At times these changes cause them to reevaluate their desire to get out. Sometimes they confirm it is time for a change.

Nice Guys have a strong tendency to try to do everything "right." This list isn't meant as a magic formula. There are no perfect people and no perfect relationships. But by consciously looking for the traits listed above in a prospective partner, Nice Guys can save themselves a lot of grief and improve their chances of actually finding what they are looking for.

Doing something different also means refraining from being sexual in new relationships. Nice Guys must give themselves a chance to accurately evaluate the traits listed above by staying out of bed with a person until they really get to know her. Once the sex begins in relationships, the learning stops. Sex creates such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately evaluate the appropriateness of a new relationship. Nice Guys may often be aware of various traits or behaviors they find unacceptable in a new partner, but if they are already having sex, it is difficult to address these issues and even tougher to end the relationship.

Embrace The Challenge

Recovering Nice Guys
can
have fulfilling, intimate relationships. Life is a challenge and so are relationships. As they implement the recovery strategies presented in this book, recovering Nice Guys put themselves in the position to embrace these challenges and get the love they want.

Chapter

Get The Sex

You Want:

Success Strategies

For Satisfying Sex

Take everything written about Nice Guys in this book — their shame, their sacrifice of self, their approval seeking, their doing the opposite of what works, their indirectness, their caretaking, their covert contracts, their controlling behavior, their fear, their dishonesty, their difficulty receiving, their dysfunctional relationships, their loss of masculine energy. Now put them all in a great big container, shake them up, open the lid, look inside, and you'll have a pretty good view of how Nice Guys do sex.

For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified. I believe it is safe to say that every Nice Guy with whom I have ever worked has had some significant problem with sex. These problems are manifested in many ways, but the most common are:

●
Not getting enough.
This is by far the most common sexual complaint of Nice Guys. The focus of this problem is frequently directed at a seemingly sexually inhibited or unavailable partner (or the unavailability of women in general).

●
Having to settle for less than satisfying sex.
Nice Guys often settle for bad sex, believing that it is better than no sex at all. Again, the blame is often focused on the Nice Guy's partner.

●
Sexual dysfunction.
This usually takes the form of an inability to get or maintain an erection, or premature ejaculation.

●
Sexual repression.
Some Nice Guys claim to have little or no interest in sex. More often than not, these men are actually engaged in some form of sexual activity that they believe is best kept out of sight.

●
Compulsive sexual behavior.
This can include compulsive masturbation, addiction to pornography, affairs, peep shows, 900 numbers, cybersex, and prostitution.

When you add all of these dynamics together, you end up with a breed of men who don't have very much sex and/or don't have very much good sex. Even though most Nice Guys have a tendency to focus on factors outside of themselves as the cause of this problem, the opposite is closer to the truth. It is Nice Guys themselves who are masters at making sure that their sex lives are less than satisfying.

Shame And Fear

The difficulty Nice Guys have with sex can be directly linked to two issues: shame and fear.
All Nice
Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings.
In my experience, this is probably the most difficult concept for Nice Guys to understand and accept about themselves. This is so important I will say it again:
All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being
sexual beings.

If you could peel back a Nice Guy's brain and find the part of the unconscious mind that controls sex, here is what you would find:

● Memories of childhood experiences that made him feel like he was bad.

● The pain of not getting his needs met in a timely, healthy manner.

● The effects of growing up with sexually wounded parents.

● The sexual distortions and illusions of a really screwed up society.

● The absence of accurate sexual information when it was needed.

● The sexual guilt and shame associated with centuries of religious influence.

● The effects of covert sexual bonds created by his mother.

● The trauma of sexual violations.

● The memories of early sexual experiences wrapped in secrecy.

● The distorted and unrealistic images of bodies and sex in pornography.

● The shame of hidden, compulsive behaviors.

● The memories of previous sexual failures or rejections.

Every time a Nice Guy has a sexual feeling or is in a sexual situation, he must negotiate through all of this unconscious baggage. Nice Guys find numerous creative ways to avoid or distract themselves from their sexual shame and fear. Unfortunately, these avoidance and distraction mechanisms prevent Nice Guys from having much of anything that resembles a good sex life. These avoidance and distraction mechanisms include:

● Avoiding sexual situations and sexual opportunities.

● Trying to be a good lover.

● Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors.

● Repressing their life energy.

● Settling for bad sex.

Avoidance Of Sexual Situations And Sexual Opportunities Prevents Nice Guys From
Getting The Sex They Want

As odd as it may sound, Nice Guys find many creative ways to avoid sex. I have coined the term
Vagiphobia
to describe this propensity. Vagiphobia is a syndrome where the penis tries to stay out of vaginas or gets out quickly once it is in. While this survival mechanism may help protect the Nice Guy from having to experience his shame and fear, it also guarantees he won't have very much sex.

Alan could be the vagiphobia poster child. Alan began therapy due to a problematic habit of entering into sexualized relationships outside of his marriage. Some of these trysts became overtly sexual, yet none were ever consummated with intercourse. The problem came to a head after he began a relationship with one of his wife's girlfriends and his wife found an incriminating note in his coat pocket.

In therapy, Alan revealed that he liked the attention of women. In social situations he always felt more comfortable connecting with women. Over time, it became apparent that due to childhood conditioning

— a monogamous bond with his mother, the decision to be different from his father, and the effects of fundamentalist religious teachings — Alan found creative ways to get the attention of women while avoiding putting his penis in their vaginas. (I refer to this common Nice Guy behavior as "flirting without fucking." As long as the Nice Guy doesn't put his penis in a vagina, he can exchange all kinds of sexual energy yet convince himself he hasn't really had sex or hasn't done anything wrong.) On one occasion, Alan shared an example with his No More Mr. Nice Guy! group of this behavior. Alan had been on a business trip, traveling with a co-worker, a young woman whom Alan found very attractive. During the trip, they flirted and exchanged sexual innuendoes. One evening, they sat in the bar and talked about their lives. The evening ended with some slow dancing. The next evening after drinks, the woman invited Alan to join her in the hot tub. She showed up in a revealing string bikini.

While in the hot tub, she sat on Alan's lap and they kissed passionately. Even though he was very aroused, he turned down her offer to go up to her room because he didn't want to "jeopardize their working relationship."

This story is consistent with Alan's lifelong avoidance of vaginas. Alan had a couple of girlfriends in high school. But whenever the girls got serious and wanted to move beyond petting, Alan felt smothered and broke up.

Alan portrayed his wife as being sexually withdrawn. One factor that contributed to this situation was that Alan would never directly initiate sex. He believed women thought sex was bad and he was convinced that if he was too direct in letting them know he wanted to have sex, they would think
he
was bad.

Alan used his frustration over his wife's sexual unavailability to justify his sexualized behavior with other women. Interestingly enough, Alan had a consistent knack of only flirting with women that weren't very likely to be available to consummate a relationship with him. On the rare occasion that he guessed wrong, Alan would find some good reason to not follow through with what he had started.

Trying To Be A Good Lover Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want
It is not unusual for Nice Guys to pride themselves on being good lovers. Being a good lover can be an attachment these men use to feel valuable. It can be a way to convince themselves they are different from other men. It can also be a very effective mechanism for allowing them to have sex while staying distracted from their internalized shame and fear. As long as they are focused on the arousal and pleasure of their partner, Nice Guys can distract themselves from their own toxic shame, feelings of inadequacy, or fear of being smothered. Terrance, a Nice Guy in his mid-thirties is a good example.

"I've got a problem with premature ejaculation." This was how Terrance introduced himself in his first therapy session. "My first wife left me for another man," he continued without pausing. "That was devastating. The good news is, I met a wonderful, sensual, sexual woman, and we're engaged to get married. There's only one problem. I come too fast. She turns me on so much, I just get too excited."