No Deal Breakers (19 page)

She lifted her head to check the time, her
eyes growing wide with surprise, "Brian, it's almost two in the
morning…we should probably go to bed." She knew they needed to get
some sleep, but she wanted to stay in his arms where she felt safe
and cherished, she made no move to get up, even though she had said
the words.

"I suppose you're right, tomorrow…well, I
suppose I should say today is Saturday, I have that auction to go
to in a few hours," he sighed, clearly he was content where he was,
too. She stifled a sigh and extracted herself from his lap.

"You're still going, even with your family
here?"

"Yeah, I talked to Dad and Steven about it
today, we thought we'd take one or both of the boys and you ladies
could hit up the flea market and yard sales." She smiled, that did
sound like a good day, she really enjoyed her in-law's company,
especially little Ami, the two had bonded quickly and spent as much
time as possible together. So far, she really enjoyed being an
aunt.

"Hey, I wanted to ask you about these," she
said, pointing to the photos on the dresser as Brian re-emerged
from the bathroom after changing into his pajamas.

"Sure, what did you want to know?"

"The ones of me, and us, why haven't you or
Anna ever shown them to me?" His brow furrowed in confusion while
he stared at her for several long moments before finally
grinning.

"The e-mail address I set up for you, have
you ever checked it?" Now it was her turn to be confused, what did
that have to do with anything? She told him she didn't need one,
she didn't know anyone that would be e-mailing her, it seemed
pointless to even have one, she'd never bothered logging back in
after he showed her how to use it.

"No, I told you I didn't need one, but what
does that have—" He'd pulled out his laptop and was holding it out
to her.

"Here, check your e-mail." What on earth, she
couldn't figure this out-oh!

Her jaw dropped as she saw message after
message from Anna Erickson each with the subject line "Photos
from…" with the date or experience listed. She looked up at him, a
little embarrassed for thinking that they would keep something so
silly from her.

"She always sends them to both of us, it
didn't even occur to me that you wouldn't check your e-mail, I
should have known." He shook his head and chuckled, "Come on
sweetheart, you can sort through them all later, there are hundreds
of them, you know how snap happy that woman is, now let's get some
sleep."

She nodded and climbed into bed as he put his
computer away. "You took the one of me cooking," she accused.

He chuckled again, "I did, I love how at
peace and happy you are when you cook. It's one of the few times I
see all of your defenses down. Now, sleep." He switched the light
off and joined her in the bed. As soon as he was situated she went
right to his side and snuggled in close. He let out a contented
sigh as she grabbed his arm and tugged it over her side, giving him
permission to hold her.

In the past men took what they wanted from
her without regard for her thoughts and feelings, she was just and
object to be used by them, but with Brian things were so different.
He asked permission to touch her, he gave her all of the power, and
he treated her touch as a precious gift to be treasured and
cherished, not a debt she owed to him. Six months later and she
still couldn't understand it, maybe she never would.

"I love that blue dress you found today, I
can't believe it was only a dollar, and with the tags still on! You
should wear it to church in the morning." Aria and Julia were
sitting at the table chatting about their day of second-hand
shopping while Brian and Steven put away the dishes. The kids and
Brian's parents were already in bed.

"Oh, um, Aria doesn't—" Brian began to
stammer in reply to his sister, clearly trying to cover for his
perpetually missing from church wife, but before she could think
about what she was doing she opened her mouth and cut him off.

"I can't believe I got it so cheap either, I
think I will wear it to church in the morning," she responded with
a cheery smile to Julia and a quick glance to Brian's stunned
expression.

"Oh, so, you gals found some good deals
then?" Brian stammered as he continued to hold her gaze, Julia must
not have noticed because she trudged right along, detailing all of
the excellent bargains they had scored earlier in the day. Brian
continued to study her, she was feeling self-conscious under his
scrutiny she dropped her gaze, cutting off eye contact and tried to
tune into what Julia was saying.

She understood why Brian was confused, every
Saturday night for the past six months he had politely invited her
to church with him, and every Saturday night for the past six
months she had politely declined.

But, what Brian didn't know was that every
day for the last three months she had spent hours pouring over the
Bible in her room, and looking up things she didn't understand in
one of the many study Bibles and Bible dictionaries he kept in the
library. He went to Bible studies regularly and was always praying
and talking about God's role in their lives and she was
curious.

She wanted to understand what Brian saw in
God that she couldn't. She wanted to understand how He worked and
why he allowed suffering and hate. Out of curiosity, she had picked
up the Bible in her room and began to read, and continued to read
it every day, studying it, trying to figure God out. She still
didn't have all of the answers to her questions, but had learned
enough to know that she wanted to know more.

She wanted a relationship with God like Brian
had, if God would accept her, that is, that was the biggest worry
bogging her down. She knew that she needed to go to church, she had
the basic understanding down, but she couldn't get the close,
personal relationship she desired from books. She knew that she
needed to hear the scriptures explained in a way that related to
life, in a way that applied to her, and not just in a clinical,
studied way.

For the last month she had been trying to
pluck up the courage to accept his invitation, but hadn't found the
courage to do so, until now. There was always something holding her
back, she couldn't put her finger on it, maybe it was just habit,
or maybe it was taking her new, private relationship with God and
making it public, or the fear that He wouldn't deem her worthy of
His forgiveness. Whatever it had been holding her back wasn't there
anymore. All she felt now was peace and excitement, this was the
right time to take the next step forward, she didn't know where her
relationship with God even was at the moment, but she knew that
this is what she needed to do, and when she needed to do it.

"You know you don't have to come just because
my family's here, right?" Brian stood in front of their bedroom
door, blocking her from joining the others for church.

Suddenly she wasn't in the safe comfort of
her new home, with her new husband, she was thrust back to Nevada.
It was the middle of the night, King had requested her, again. She
didn't want to go, she couldn't stand the repulsive man, but it
didn't matter what she wanted.

Jack pulled her up by her hair and directed
her to the room where he was waiting, he opened the door and pushed
her in, turned on his heel and closed the door with a thud. She
started to panic, she wanted out, she couldn't do this anymore, she
hated doing this, she lunged for the door, but he was there,
blocking her way, an arrogant smirk on his face as he reminded her
that the more she struggled, the more he enjoyed his little game.
Her breathing sped up; her heart was sure to pound out of her chest
at any moment, she had to get of here, now. She made another
attempt at the door, but his large frame blocked the door at every
opportunity.

"Aria, honey? What's the matter, are you
okay?"

The images from the past cleared and she was
back home, safe, with Brian looking confused and full of
concern.

Just a flashback, she was safe.

She closed her eyes and tried to calm her
erratic breathing.

"Brian…please…don't block…the door" she
panted out, fighting the sobs she could feel building in her chest.
His eyes widened and he jumped to the side immediately.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it to be threatening, I
wasn't thinking. Are you okay?" She could see the ever-present
unasked questions in his eyes, every time she stiffened, flinched,
or zoned out like that she saw the same question in his eyes: What
happened to make you this way?

"Yeah, I'm fine just…a, a…bad memory. I know
you weren't trying to trap me, I know you wouldn't do that-it
wasn't you. It was me and my crazy." She gave a derisive chuckle,
trying, and failing to lighten the mood, he continued to study
her.

"You sure you're all right? I haven't lost
you like that in quite a while."

"I'm fine, I promise." She plastered on her
largest fake smile. "Let's go."

"You don't have t—"

"I want to, honestly, I've wanted to for a
while, but I wasn't sure how to change my answer." He answered with
a huge, cheesy grin and held the door wide open for her, "After
you, my lady." She laughed and walked through the door.

She sucked in a deep breath as she stared up
at the huge white church in front of her. Brian stayed by her side
when she'd paused in front of the glass double doors, the rest of
his family had been swept into conversations with old friends and
neighbors and had made their way into the building.

She was frozen in place, this was it, no
going back, she knew once she stepped over that threshold
everything would change. One big fear was holding her back: What if
God doesn't want me? She feared she was too broken, too sinful for
His love.

"Sweetheart, do you want me to take you home?
You don't have to do this, I promise you no one think any different
of you if you want to turn around and go home, I completely
understand." She took a deep breath, and turned to face him.

"I want to…I need to. I know this is the next
step that I need to take, it's just that I'm a little nervous, I
can't remember the last time I was actually in a church."

"Next step?" His eyes were full of hope and a
touch of confusion. She let out a sigh and attempted to gather
enough courage to tell him.

"I've been studying the Bible, I don't
understand all of it, or how it fits into the real world, but I've
been reading it, and looking things up in some of your books,
trying to understand better. I want a relationship with God like
you're always talking about, but I don't know if I can, or how to
go about that, but I do know that this needs to be my next step.
I'm just…scared."

"What scares you?" She flushed and stared at
the gravel around her feet.

"That I'm too bad, that God won't want me,
that I'm not worthy of forgiveness, that He won't want me, and
that…that you'll find out about everything I've done and you won't
want me in your life anymore." She was on the brink of tears and
tried futilely to hold them back. Brian took a step closer and held
his arms out in invitation, without a second thought she stepped
into his arms and he held her for a long moment before pulling back
just enough to look into her eyes.

"I love you," she gasped, that's not what she
expected him to say, she'd thought he'd come close to saying it
before, and thought she didn't want to hear it, but now that the
words were out she didn't want him to stop staying them. No one
aside from her parents had ever told her that, and she could see
the sincerity in his bright blue eyes, shining with unshed tears.
He continued after letting his words sink in for a moment.

"And Jesus loves you, no matter what you've
done or who you've been, you are forgivable, to both of us. I love
you, and I want you in my life forever, no matter what you've done,
the past is the past. I know you still aren't ready to forgive
yourself and let yourself be free of whatever those demons are that
are on your heels, but when you are, I'm here with open arms, and
God is waiting for you. I promise you He won't turn you away, and
neither will I."

She wanted desperately to believe him, but
knew how he felt about some of the things she had done, she knew
they were unforgivable, beyond what Brian was imagining.

*~*~*

He could tell she didn't believe him and
wasn't going to respond, but he knew everything he'd said was the
truth. She needed more time, and he would give her as long as she
needed. She'd already made much more progress than he realized, and
he couldn't be more proud of her. He said a prayer of thanksgiving
that his daily prayers for her weren't going ignored, God was
working on her in His own time, in His own way.

He shook his head at his selfish distrust,
he'd been losing faith and starting to question God when he wasn't
seeing any progress in Aria's faith life, but his worries were
needless, because all the while God was working on her heart. He
should have had more faith.

He pulled her back in for one more hug and
then glanced around the full parking lot, devoid of people, and
then inside the large glass doors, the entry was empty as well.

"Looks like we missed the bells, how about we
sit in the balcony, no one ever sits up there, that way if it gets
to be too much or it's too soon you can let me know and we'll sneak
back out." She nodded and when he started forward to open the door,
she grabbed his hand.

"Hey, you missed Sunday school this morning,"
Todd accused after the service had concluded and they'd wandered
downstairs to greet friends and family. Thankfully, they hadn't
been too late, and were able to have the balcony to themselves. He
was anxious to discuss the sermon with Aria, Pastor Mike's sermon
had been on Christ's love and accepting forgiveness, things he knew
she was struggling with. He'd watched her during the service,
trying to figure out her reactions to his words, he'd caught a few
tears that she'd quickly wiped away, but that was as much as he
could tell.