No Deal Breakers (23 page)

"He started buying me nice clothes and paid
for a private tutor to come in every day, the school was starting
to question my frequent absences and disheveled look, my dad said
it would be better to just bring the teacher to me. I had just
turned twelve when my dad and Jack sat me down and explained that
my dad was in the final stages of prostate cancer, and it wouldn't
be long until he passed away. He told me that Uncle Jack was going
to take care of me when that happened, that I'd move in with him
and he'd make sure I was taken care of. I remember wondering why my
dad looked so upset about someone agreeing to take care of their
daughter for them." She shook her head, and he saw the tears start
to stream again, and heard the catch in her breath. He braced
himself for what was to come.

"About four months after that conversation I
found out why. My dad died a month to the day after that
conversation. I moved in with Jack McPherson, and for a few months
I was just a twelve year old girl, my tutor came over and I moped
and watched TV in my small room." She shrugged. "I wasn't allowed
to any other part of the house but that didn't really surprise me,
Jack was pretty strange as it was and I liked being as far from him
as I could, he just gave me the creeps." She took another deep
breath and let it out.

"My dad had told me that I wouldn't be living
with Jack for free, that I would have to work for him at some
point. I didn't really understand what that meant, I had no idea
what Jack did or who he was. After my dad died and I moved in he
told me he'd give me a few months to mourn before I needed to start
working for him. I didn't think much of it. The only things he'd
required of me up to that point were that I always call him "Uncle"
in front of others, I realize now it was so people wouldn't be
suspicious, and to stay only in the parts of the house he told me
to.

"Then, one night he came in while I was
asleep and woke me up, he told me it was time to start earning my
keep. He said there was a man named King who wanted to be my
first…I didn't even know what that meant at the time." Brian tried
to keep the grimace off his face, he could tell what was coming and
he could only remember being so angry one other time in his life.
She didn't need his anger right now, she needed his understanding
and his love. He took a deep breath and tried his best to prepare
for the rest of her story.

"All he told me was that King had paid good
money for me and I was to do everything he told me without question
and if King had any complaints at all that I would be punished. He
had me put on a frilly pink dress that I'd never seen before and
took me to another room in the house. He told me to sit on the bed
until King came in and told me what to do. I remember being
terrified, I had no idea what was coming or how to handle it, or
what kind of work I was supposed to be doing." She stopped and
stared off into the past for several long moments before wiping her
tears and continuing.

"When the door finally opened an older man in
a nice suit came in, he reminded me of my old principal. He didn't
tell me what he wanted or expected, he just pounced at me." Brian
flexed his fingers, he'd been clutching his fists so tight that his
knuckles had turned white. Aria looked him straight in the eye with
a look of determination and pride flickering with the shame and
horror that still lingered there.

"I fought him. I fought him with everything
in me, I bit, I pinched, I scratched, I ran. I wasn't going to lie
there and be a victim, no matter my age or what I owed anyone. I
knew what he was doing was wrong, and I fought for my life." Her
face fell with the thought of what came next, he knew she wasn't as
proud of not winning that fight, but he needed her to know that he
was proud of her trying.

"Good, I'm glad you fought him. I hate that
this happened to you, but none of it is your fault. You were
twelve, I'm sure he had at least a hundred pounds on you, probably
more. I'm proud you fought him. You need to be proud of that too."
He took a deep breath, deciding if he wanted to risk changing the
conversation or not, she needed to get all of this in the open, but
he wanted to let her know that she did the right thing. He decided
it was worth the risk.

"Julia was raped, in high school, her biggest
regret was that she couldn't fight, she was drugged and not able to
put up much of a fight. You did what you could, and for that you
should be proud of yourself. I'm sorry, I didn't want to derail the
conversation, we can talk more about that later, but I felt like
you should hear that." She looked shocked when he told her about
Julia, she seemed to mull this over for a few seconds before
deciding to continue.

"Thank you. I've always known I did what I
should have, but it feels good to have that affirmed by someone
else. All of my fighting and screaming just got him more excited,
it's what he liked. Of course, he won in the end and got what he
wanted. He was my most regular visitor from then on, always wanting
me to put up a fight with him just like that first time. I've
always had a hard time reconciling that. I mean, I didn't want to
do it, so putting up a fight just came naturally, but I was also
giving him exactly what he wanted, so I've always wondered if I had
just laid down and taken it if he would have left me alone. I don't
know…it's so confusing." She shook her head, it was obvious this
was something she regularly struggled with.

"Honey, look at me, please. Never feel guilty
for trying to save yourself. You did what was right, whether he
enjoyed it or not, you did what was right, you did what you could.
Don't beat yourself up over that. He was the sick and twisted one
in all this."

"You're right, I know you are. It's just one
of those things." She shrugged, and he nodded in understanding.
"Anyway, sorry, I know this is a lot, but now that I've started I
just want you to know it all, I'm tired of secrets."

He interrupted her, "I can tell you're still
nervous about me knowing all of this, I can tell you still have
reservations about how I'm going to react, if I'm still going to
want you after knowing all of this. I can tell you right now the
answer is yes. My love is unconditional, no deal breakers,
remember? Don't get me wrong, this all turns my stomach and makes
me more violent than I've ever felt before, but nothing towards
you. This isn't your fault, and I still love you, and always will."
He'd never been so convicted about anything before; he loved this
woman and would do everything in his power to show her.

"We'll see how you feel once I'm finished
with my story." She cringed and he could see the sorrow consume her
features. "Anyway, after that night Jack brought me to a few more
men, but still kept me mostly separated from the other girls, which
I found out all lived downstairs. He took me to them to help me
clean up and understand what had happened after my first time, but
other than that, he kept me separate from them. I usually only saw
one man a day, and some days I didn't have any. Those were the best
days. King was by far my most frequent customer, most of my
nightmares are about him. I hated every experience I had there, but
I hate the ones with him the most. I'm not sure if it's because he
was the first, the most frequent, or the most violent. But, just
thinking about that man makes me want to run and hide.

"For the first five years everything pretty
much stayed the same, I was isolated from the other girls and only
had a few regulars, once in a while I'd get a new one, but because
I was so young Jack was very careful about who was allowed to know
about me. He prided himself on running one of the most upstanding
illegal operations around." She scoffed and shook her head in
disgust.

"He didn't deal in child prostitution, aside
from me, that is. He kept his girls clean, well fed, up to date on
STD testing, well supplied in birth control, relatively bruise
free, and limited their partners to only a handful a day. He liked
to say it was because he cared about us, but we all knew it was so
he could charge more for a higher quality product. The fewer
partners we had in a day, the better we could perform for our
clients." A chill ran down his spine, the way she talked about
herself and the other women as no more than products to be bought
and sold had him choking back his rage and his dinner.

"A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday he
moved me downstairs with the other girls, I still had my own room,
he said he promised my dad I always would, but other than that I
was just like all of the rest of them. Old enough to be available
to any one that wanted me, I didn't have any free days after that.
And so went the last seven years of my life, until I escaped and
met you." It all made sense now.

"That night, after the fireworks when you
explained to me about shutting your emotions off and being able to
do what needed to be done, this is what you meant, isn't it? You
were talking about how you dealt with your life, distanced yourself
because you didn't have a choice. I suspected you'd been abused,
but I never fathomed anything like this. Honey, I am so sorry this
happened to you." She shrugged and batted at the tears on her
cheeks. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how, not with
something this heavy.

"Yeah, I just sort of went inside myself and
didn't allow myself to feel anything after my abor—, uh, I guess I
left that part out." She stopped herself and took several deep
breaths preparing herself to tell him the next part, though he was
pretty certain he could guess the latter half of the word she cut
off.

"I got pregnant at fifteen, I was on birth
control and Jack made the men wear condoms, except for King, he
didn't like the way they felt, he was a high paying repeat
customer, so Jack let him do whatever he wanted. When I got
pregnant I was sure it was his, he paid for the abortion. Jack told
me I didn't have a choice, I wanted her to live. I knew I couldn't
raise her, but I didn't want to kill her. I wanted her to have a
good family, like with the Ericksons, you know?" Her tears were
flowing harder and faster now, and his own had picked up speed as
well, her story was the most heart wrenching thing he'd ever heard.
These were the types of things you read in the paper or hear about
on the news, not the things that happen to those you love.

"She was a girl?" Maybe it was inappropriate
to ask, but the way her voice softened whenever she mentioned her
revealed how much she loved and missed the baby she never had the
chance to know, and he wanted to know as much of her as there was
to know.

She shrugged, "I wasn't far enough along to
tell, I've just always felt like she was a girl. I've apologized to
her every day since, it'll be nine years on August second and not a
day goes by when I don't think about her, about what I did to
her.

"Now do you see what I mean? Why I'm not good
enough for you? I'm a whore that killed her baby, Brian, I'm sorry
I've wasted your time and money. You don't deserve to be married to
a monster like me." Her body was heaving and her breath and words
were coming out ragged between sobs.

Before he could even contemplate his reaction
he was on his feet headed toward the sofa, he bent down and scooped
her up, sitting in the spot she had been in, and held her firmly
against his chest, rocking softly from side to side. She didn't
protest, just snuggled into his chest while he held her.

"I just have two things to say." He said, as
calmly as possible, she pulled back and looked at him with fear in
her wide eyes. "First, no one, and I mean
no one
, calls my
wife a whore and a monster, especially not my wife. She was a
victim of circumstance, she didn't make those choices, she had them
forced on her, she did her best to get out, and she finally did.
Second, no, I don't see what you mean. There are no deal breakers,
understand?" She nodded, eyes still wide staring up at him.

"I mean it, none. I love you, I'm sorry all
of that happened to you, but it's not your fault. None of it, it
doesn't change the way I feel about you, though it does make me
want to go hunt down every man that ever laid a finger on you
against your will. Every man that haunts your memories and scares
you, I want to find them and teach them a lesson on respecting a
lady. You are a strong, intelligent, caring, amazing woman who had
a hell of a hard life and managed somehow to rise above it all and
pull herself out. That was the only life you knew, yet you knew you
needed more, you deserved better and you managed to get your way
out. Don't for one second doubt yourself. You are worthy of love,
don't doubt that."

She sighed and tucked her head into his neck
and they both sat there silently for several long moments,
absorbing everything that had been revealed, everything she had
lived through, and still lived with every day.

Just as he was about to drift off he could
swear he heard Aria whisper, "I love you too, Brian. I'm so glad it
was you that saved me."

When Aria woke, she was surprised to find
herself still snuggled against Brian's chest, his cheek resting on
her head. The previous night's discussion came back to her, and for
the first time she didn't feel the familiar guilt and shame that
normally accompanied those memories. She felt lighter, free
somehow. All of her walls had been broken down. Everything was out
in the open and Brian still loved her, still wanted her in his
life, he wasn't kicking her out and he wasn't disgusted by
everything that she'd seen and done.

Hearing him tell her that it wasn't her fault
and that she'd done all she could gave her the validation she
didn't know she had needed. Hearing him affirm that gave her the
last bit of strength she needed to forgive herself, and to accept
the forgiveness she knew was being offered to her by Christ. She
was finally able to let it all go and accept the peace that He was
offering her.