No Attachments (30 page)

“Just. Go.”

I nodded and shut the door behind me as she tried to cry quietly. I fished in my pockets and found a receipt from the gas station. There was a little board on Katie’s door with a marker to leave messages for Lottie and vice versa. I scrawled my cell phone number and the words
call me if you need anything
on the receipt and shoved it under her door.

I’d probably never hear from her, but I did it anyway. Call it one lost cause reaching out to another.

Katie

After Stryker left, I got myself up and dressed and to the shower. Trish and Audrey were coming over to babysit me and I would rather have burned the dorm down than tell them that I’d had sex with Stryker, or that I’d had a meltdown and cried afterwards.

I cleaned up the evidence of our escapade, changed the sheets and sprayed the room with vanilla cinnamon room spray to get rid of his scent. He smelled like . . . something clean but spicy with hints of cigarettes and gasoline.

My skin tingled as if it were remembering his touch. I shouldn’t have done that, but sometimes I made bad life decisions. Sleeping with Stryker was one of those on a
looonnnngggg list. I found the receipt with his number on it that he’d shoved under the door. If I was going to call someone to talk about my feelings, it wasn’t going to be him. Still, I put the piece of paper in my desk drawer instead of throwing it away.

I berated myself the entire time I showered and
cleaned, so by the time Audrey and Trish showed up with movies and ice cream I had already lectured myself a hundred times.

“You guys don’t have to stay with me, you know,” I said as Trish handed me a pint of Cherry Garcia and Audrey slipped off her shoes before flopping on my bed.

“We’re not babysitting you. We’re concerned friends who want to hang out with you,” Audrey said, arranging some of the pillows. Stryker had thrown all of them on the floor when . . .

“You okay?” Trish said as she popped in
Bridesmaids
. I knew my face was red, so I stared into the ice cream container to try to hide it as I sat next to Audrey.

“Yeah, fine.” Trish looked at me suspiciously, but Audrey started tossing pillows at her so she could make a little couch of them on the floor.

I didn’t pay attention to the movies and just laughed when Trish and Audrey did. My mind was occupied with remembering what I’d done with Stryker and trying to forget it at the same time.

It didn’t matter how good it was, or how right it had felt at the time. It had been a bad idea that I’d acted on and it wasn’t going to happen again.
Especially after my little breakdown.

The last time I had sex with Zack, he’d made me cry, too. Maybe it was a conditioned reaction for me now.
Sex and crying.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Audrey asked as she handed me her empty container at the end of the second movie. I didn’t know how she ate so much ice cream and still kept that thin. Good genetics, probably. I got up to toss the ice cream containers and took a deep breath so I wouldn’t say something I would later regret.

“I love you guys. Both of you. But if you don’t stop asking me if I’m okay, I’m going to freak out, and I really can’t handle that right now. Zack and I broke up, I’m moving on. Got it?”

They both nodded like bobble head dolls.

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, because it’s so sweet that you care and that you’re willing to give up your lives to make sure I don’t go off the deep end, but enough is enough. I need some air.”

Audrey spoke first, her eyes not meeting mine.

“We’re sorry. We just didn’t know what else to do.” Yup, I felt like a bitch anyway.

“It was Lottie’s idea. Blame her,” Trish added. I wished she hadn’t mentioned Lottie. She was off on a date with
Zan, even though she knew he and I had slept together. She must really love him.

“I hope she doesn’t hate me,” I said, sitting next to Audrey again.

“It’s not like you could have known,” Audrey said

“Not to be creepy or anything, but how did it happen?” Trish said. “I just don’t see the two of you hitting it off.”

“It was one of those really, really stupid decisions you regret the second after you make it, but it’s too late. Let’s just say I’d had a really bad week, it was summer, I was drunk and he was willing. I don’t remember much of it, but enough to know that it happened. And then Zack noticed me and that was it.”

When it came to charm, Zack had it in spades. He’d said all the right things that made me feel all warm and fluttery inside, and before I knew it, we were going at in the bed of his truck, and then we were just together. And now we weren’t.

I shrugged because it seemed so minor now. None of it mattered anymore.

We got through another movie and made nachos before Lottie came back from her date with
Zan. She should have been spending the night in his room, but she probably wanted to make sure I was okay, which made me feel even more like a bitch.

“Hey, how was your date?” Audrey said, yawning.

“Good. Really good. How are you?” The last part was directed toward the group, but meant for me.

“I’m fine.” She nodded and I could sense one of her famous word
volcanos was about to erupt. She always took a deep breath before she started one so she could talk without having to interrupt the flow by breathing. It was annoying at first, but I’d gotten used to it.

“Okay good. Because I know it’s weird that you had sex with him and now I’m dating him, but I don’t want things to be weird because it’s not your fault. I mean, you didn’t know me and you didn’t know that he and I were going to end up together. So it’s okay. Just so you know.” She looked scared after she finished, as if she was worried about how I would respond. I sighed and tossed the empty bag of tortilla chips in the trash.

“It’s fine, Lot. If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me. I shouldn’t have told you like that. I should have told you a long time ago, but I was afraid you’d hate me.”

Trish and Audrey looked like they felt uncomfortable, but Lottie and I needed to do this now to clear the air. She took everything so personally and I wanted her to know that I was fine with her and
Zan, as long as she was happy. My mistakes with the Parker brothers weren’t hers.

“I don’t hate you. I just didn’t want things to be weird,” she said.

“Come on ladies, hug it out,” Trish said, getting up and pulling Lottie across the room. “Come on, roommate hug.”

Lottie and I hugged, which ended up with us giggling, rocking back and forth, trying to tip the other one over.

“See? Works every time,” Trish said, patting both of us on the back as if we’d just won a football game.

“Okay, okay,” I said, rolling my eyes. “It’s late and I’m tired.”

“We’ll get going,” Audrey said, gathering her movies and her coat. “See you tomorrow? Library date?”

“You’re on,” I said, giving her a salute. Trish waved goodbye as well, and then it was just Lottie and me.

“Have you heard from Zack?” Lottie said as she cleared up the rest of the refuse from our little Katie pity party. I could tell she’d been waiting until we were alone.

“Yeah, he’s left me a million messages. I’m just waiting for the “sorry I fucked up” gifts to start coming in.” I’d already put the necklace he’d given me from the last screw-up in my jewelry box.

“Maybe you should change your cell number or something.”

If only it were that easy. Something that simple wouldn’t stop Zack from finding another way to contact me. I’d take a million voicemails over him doing something really crazy, like showing up in one of my classes, or waiting at my car, or something else like that. Phone calls were harmless.

I gave her a look.

“Sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about him.”

I stacked the pillows back on my bed for something to do. “Not really.”

She handed me two more pillows. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay.” I should just record myself saying that and ‘I’m fine’ so I could play them back whenever I needed to.

“You sure?”
I grabbed the last pillow and placed it in the middle of the rest.

“Yup.”

She gave me another look and went to brush her teeth. I lay back on my bed and tried to forget that only a few hours ago, I’d been fucking Stryker in it. Tried, but did not succeed.

“How is Lottie going to keep this a secret from Will? They have that creepy twin thing,” I said as I worked on replacing the clutch Zan had burned out while learning how to drive a standard on Will’s truck. The weather was getting colder and soon it would be nearly impossible to work outside without the potential risk of losing a few fingers or my nose to frostbite.

“I don’t know, honestly. I’m shocked she’s managed to keep us a secret this long.”

I wiped my hands on a rag and slid out from under the truck. Zan sat on a folding chair and worked on his banjo picking. The rest of the driveway was filled with some of my other car projects. It was a decent way to make a few bucks and my landlord didn’t seem to mind that I took up three times the spaces as long as I kept his car tuned up and running like a champ. I also bartended here and there when I got really strapped for cash, but I’d been doing better at saving money. Being dirt poor also meant you got great financial aid.

“So you two are serious?” I said.

He looked up from the banjo.

“I love her. I thought I did before, but it was just an infatuation. This is different.”

I leaned against the truck and shaded my eyes from the afternoon sun. “How?”

“I used to think she was this perfect person. That everything she did was right. Now I know that she’s got flaws, but I love those flaws. She’s not perfect and I love her the way she is. She makes me want to be a better person, and she doesn’t care about everything in my past. How could I not fall for that?”

Jesus, it was so simple for him.

I’d never told a girl I loved her.
Probably because I’d never loved one. At least not in the way Zan was talking. His past was dark, yes, but it was a temporary darkness. He hadn’t been born to it, hadn’t been raised in it. His parents were generally decent, and his brother, however fucked up he was, loved him too. He’d had money and second chances and people who’d pulled him through the dark.

I shoved my past aside and went to help him with some of his fingering.

Katie had been ignoring me and I’d been letting her, out of respect. She probably never wanted to see me again, and I was fine with that. Not that I wouldn’t have picked up the phone if she’d called me. I would have. The sex was great and I would be more than happy to let it happen again, if she wanted it to. I just wasn’t into forcing girls like some guys.

I was about to answer
Zan when my phone rang from my back pocket. I looked at the screen and it was an unknown number. It could have been someone calling my phone with a wrong number, but I didn’t think so.

“Hello?” My greeting was met with silence and I was about to hang up when she spoke.

“Hey,” Katie said after a long pause. “You said if I needed anything to call. I need a distraction. Of the physical variety.”

“
Mhm,” I said, fully aware that Zan was sitting right in front of me and Katie would not want him knowing. “When?”

“Right now.
Can I come to your place?”

“I’m fixing a friend’s truck right now, but maybe in an hour?”

She sighed.

“Okay, fine. But don’t tell anyone.”

“You got it,” I said and hung up.

“Who was that?”
Zan said.

“Just a friend who wanted to look at that extra guitar I’ve been trying to sell. He’s coming over in an hour.”

“Can you finish in time? I have to get this back to Lottie so Will doesn’t kill me.”

“Sure thing.”
I got on my back and slid back under the truck, trying not to grin too much.

***

Zan left ten minutes before Katie’s Mazda pulled into the lot next to my apartment. She’d never been here, but she clearly knew where it was anyway.

She was visibly upset when I opened the door at the bottom of the stairs. I was on the second floor, but the first floor apartment was vacant, so I just treated the whole space as mine.

“You okay?” I said, taking in her puffy red eyes and the fact that she hadn’t made much of an effort with her appearance again.

She laughed without humor.

“I wish everyone would stop asking me that. I’m so tired of saying ‘I’m fine.’ I didn’t come here for that.”

Jesus, calm down. We signed up for a hookup, not a therapy session. “Okay. From now on I will not ask you if you’re okay.
Deal?”

She inhaled.

“Deal.”

“Any other requests?”