Nightshade (39 page)

He bent down, kissing me with lips still lacquered by Shay’s blood. The taste set my own veins on fire. I moaned, grasped his shirt in my hands, and pulled his body against mine. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Shay’s corpse shimmer, shifting over and over. Boy to wolf, skin to fur, sinking into a pool of blood, the change never ceasing. Until, at last, he disappeared from sight.

 

 

My eyes fluttered open. I clutched my knotted stomach, forcing back the bile that rose in my throat. The room around me spun several times before it came into focus. I stared at my bedroom ceiling; my tattered copy of
Watership Down
lay open on my chest. Searching for comfort, I’d only gotten a few pages in before drifting off. My phone buzzed angrily on my nightstand. I picked it up, staring at the screen. Shay Doran.

I pushed the button to answer the call, muttering, “I’ll be there tomorrow, Shay. I need a night alone,” hanging up before he could speak. I didn’t think I could handle hearing his voice when his words from the dream,
I love you,
still rang in my ears.

The patter of tentative footfalls reached my ears. I flipped on my side to face the door and saw Ansel wander by. I rolled onto my back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I’d crashed on my bed as soon as I’d gotten home from school, collapsing under the weight of the day.

The floorboards creaked as Ansel passed my door again. I caught his nervous glance in my direction before he hurried down the hall.

“Ansel, I’m not the sun; stop orbiting and get in here,” I called. He reappeared in the doorway, and I frowned as I watched my brother inch nervously toward my bed.

“You’re acting weird,” I said, patting the coverlet. “Just sit down.”

He perched on the corner, twirling silken wisps of hair that came down over his ears.

“You need a haircut,” I said.

He shrugged. “Bryn has some idea of wanting me to style it differently, and she says it needs to be a little longer.”

“You’re the one who wanted to date her.” I wagged my finger at him. “You are now subject to her constant makeover ideas. Thank God, maybe she’ll finally give up on me.”

He smiled shyly. “I don’t mind.”

“Just wait,” I muttered, envying the simple intimacies they could share.

His smile faded. “I need to talk to you about Shay.”

I sat up, suddenly wary, wondering if I’d cried out during my nightmare.

“What about him?”

He continued to avert his eyes. “You know how at lunch today Sabine said it seemed like he knew more about us than he should?”

“Well,” he said, studying the embroidery on my pillowcases, “I may have let something slip when we went climbing a couple weeks ago.”

I didn’t know whether to be relieved or horrified. “You let something slip?”

“Actually, to be more accurate . . .” He swallowed a couple of times. “I may have explained some things to him . . .”

“Ansel!”

He finally raised his eyes to mine; they were huge and apologetic.

“I’m sorry, Calla, I couldn’t help it. We’ve been hanging out a lot, and he’s a great guy. But whenever he talks about you, it’s like his eyes just glow. He’s totally done for. And I felt so bad about it, since I figured he didn’t have a chance in hell with Ren around.”

My eyes narrowed and he rushed on.

“So I tried to explain that you guys have a long history and now you were getting together and he kept asking questions that I couldn’t really answer without giving stuff away. The next thing I knew I was telling him about the Guardians and the pack and why it’s important for you and Ren to go through with the union.” He ran out of breath, tensing as he waited for my fury to unleash.

When I didn’t start shrieking at him, he relaxed.

“You know, he wasn’t nearly as shocked as I thought he would be.”

“Well, he reads a lot.” I pulled the excuse out of thin air. “I think he’s more open to the fantastic possibilities of the world than most humans.”

Ansel brightened, bobbing his head. “Yeah, he lent me Sandman; it’s awesome.”

I collapsed back onto my pillows. “I don’t want to hear about comics. Did you tell Bryn about this?”

“No.”

“Ansel?”

“Okay, fine, yeah. But can you blame us?” He stretched out on the bed. “It’s not our fault, Calla. We both had a lot of questions after we went with Ren into Haldis. We know you were there, and there was another wolf’s scent too.”

I didn’t respond and he wormed closer. “Bryn and I have been wanting to talk to you about this since we went to the cave, but it almost seems like you’re avoiding us. She thought it might be better if I talked to you alone.”

“About the cave?” I asked. “I didn’t mean for you guys to get in trouble with Ren.”

“Not just that,” he said. “With all the time you’re spending with Shay and the fact that he acts like part of our pack these days, we’ve been thinking something happened with you guys. Did it?”

I remained silent. My heart picked up speed.

Ansel became quiet. Then he expelled a long breath.

“When I heard about the fight today, some things fell into place. I mean, I don’t know Ren well, but I’m good at reading people. He’s not as confident as he puts on—especially when it comes to you.”

I turned to look at him, startled. Ren not confident?

When he caught my surprised expression, he nodded. “It’s true. Ren may be territorial, but he’s also smart. He wouldn’t have gone after Shay like that, in the middle of class and all, unless he thought there was the chance—” Ansel broke off, as if it was too painful for him to finish the thought.

“Unless he thought what?” I frowned; my heart was beating at a breakneck pace.

Ansel’s voice dropped to a whisper; he watched me closely as he spoke. “That you might actually be in love with Shay.”

My heart galloped right off the cliff it had been racing toward and I couldn’t breathe. I closed my eyes.
Am I?

“Calla?”

I could barely hear him over the roaring in my ears.

“Did you turn him?”

I sat up, nails digging into a pillow, shredding cotton.

“It would make sense.” Ansel’s voice had grown soft, and he traced a slow pattern on the coverlet with his fingers. “You wanted Shay to be one of us so you don’t have to be with Ren. He was the other wolf in the cave, wasn’t he?”

I didn’t know what to say or do. The truth? More lies? I didn’t want Ansel and Bryn mixed up in this. They’d already tried to protect me by lying to Ren. If they knowingly betrayed the Keepers, I couldn’t imagine what it might cost them.

I shook my head furiously, fear for his safety pulling the lie from my lips. “No. That is not what’s going on. You know that was just a lone wolf. I was in the cave by myself. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. I should’ve talked to you sooner. And thanked you. For not saying anything. Bryn too.”

“Why were you in there?” he asked, doubt lingering in his eyes. “What kind of stunt were you trying to pull?”

“I know it was dumb,” I mumbled. “I was just curious when I patrolled alone. I decided to sneak in—but I ran when I smelled the spider.”

He shuddered. “I would have run too. I’ve never seen anything like that.”

“I haven’t either,” I murmured, lost in memories of the fight, Haldis, Shay.

“You really should have told us.” Ansel frowned. “Ren was pissed off. He’s a good alpha. He wants us to work together.”

“I know,” I said.

“Don’t you trust us?” Ansel asked. “I know a lot has changed because of the new pack, but we’re still your friends. We wouldn’t let you down, Calla.”

“I’m sorry, An,” I said, hesitating before I spoke again. “Why did you think I turned Shay? I mean besides smelling the other wolf in the cave.”

Ansel raised his gray eyes to meet mine, his irises hard as flint. “Because I would have run away with Bryn if anyone told me I couldn’t be with her. If she weren’t a Guardian, I would’ve turned her, and I would’ve run for the rest of my life to keep her by my side.”

I looked at him for a long moment and then nodded slowly.
He loves her. That’s what love is. It must be.

“Thanks for not yelling at me for saying that.” He offered me a sad smile.

I nodded again, unable to push words past the lump in my throat.

“I wish you would tell me how you feel, Cal,” he said. “I just want to help. Shay and Ren are both good guys; I’m not judging you either way. You have to follow your heart.”

I winced. “It’s not that simple.”

“Sure it is,” he said with a frustrated huff. “God, Calla, don’t you love anything?”

I stared at the bed.
Maybe I don’t. I’m only trying to be strong. What if being an alpha means I can’t love anyone?

When I looked at him again and he saw the bright sheen of tears reflected back at him, he cringed.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That was a horrible thing to say.”

I smiled weakly. “I love you, little brother.” I reached out, pulling him into my arms.

He nestled his head against my neck and I stroked the tousled mess of his sand brown hair. I wanted to tell him everything. I felt so alone. But I couldn’t risk it. I was desperate to keep my pack out of this mess as long as I could.

“And I love our packmates,” I murmured, trying out the words, feeling their truth, their strength. “Promise me, An. No matter what happens, you’ll be strong. I need you to protect Bryn, to protect the pack.”

He tensed. “What are you talking about?”

“I wish I could tell you,” I whispered. “But it’s too risky. There’s too much I don’t know right now. Please just promise me.”

He nodded, his hair brushing against my chin. “I love you too.”

“YOU DIDN’T SLEEP AGAIN LAST NIGHT, DID
you?” I asked, walking over to Shay’s desk at the end of first period. He’d spent most of class using his forearms as pillows. Mr. Graham didn’t bother him or hadn’t noticed since Shay had been thoughtful enough not to snore.

“I was working on the last section. I think I made some headway,” he said, pulling a sheaf of notebook paper from his pocket. “Take a look.”

I took the paper, slipping it into my pocket. “I’ll look at it later today and then we’ll talk in the library this afternoon.”

“Sure.” He shuffled his feet. “Should I skip chem today? Would that make things easier for you?” He didn’t say
and Ren,
but I smiled thinly as I watched the thought make him grimace.

“He won’t be there,” I said. “And even if he was, you’d be better off pretending nothing happened. The Keepers are all watching . . . They’d tell Logan if things were still strained.”

“Ren won’t be there?” Shay frowned. “He isn’t—I mean, Logan didn’t—”

“No,” I hurried to reassure him. “Ren’s just blowing off steam . . . I think. He wasn’t specific, but he let me know he wouldn’t be around until the dance tonight.” I sighed, sinking into the desk next to Shay. “What you did yesterday . . . with Logan. I can’t thank you enough. You gained respect from the whole pack. It could have been awful for Ren, for all of us.”

He started to reach for me but thought better of it, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, well, sometimes I can manage to do the right thing.” One corner of his mouth crinkled. “Are you going to apologize for slapping me?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so,” he said.

The bell for second period rang. I stood up, hating that he’d stopped himself from touching me, knowing that if I didn’t get out of there, I’d be the one reaching for him.

I tried to keep my thoughts neutral through the day. My nerves seemed to be on the verge of shattering, which I couldn’t afford. It helped that Bryn passed me sketches of possible hairstyles for that evening all through our French class. The cold vacuum in my belly pulled at my stomach painfully when I sat alone at my lab station through Organic Chemistry. We had a substitute teacher, and I wondered if the stress of the previous class had caused Ms. Foris to avoid school or resign immediately.

Since there was no experiment, I turned my attention to the notes Shay had scribbled on the folded piece of paper. His frustration was apparent with the chaotic arrangement of words and phrases.
Scion, two worlds, gift?? What is the veil?
After the jumble of notes was a transcribed paragraph that while still confusing at least had full sentences.

Shay’s punctuation betrayed his irritation.