Never Say Never (Lakeview Contemporary Romance Book 3) (14 page)

“You’re looking at all of this very practically though, aren’t you? What about love? What about that wonderful, amazing feeling of absolute adoration for your child? Not to mention the love they will give you in return?”

Leah looked from one woman to the other. “So you’ll all love your kids no matter what? And you think that no matter what, you will always have someone to love you back?”

“Yes.” The women nodded in unison and Grainne smiled, sensing she had won the argument.

“You think that’s a good enough reason for creating another life – just to have someone to love you? And you lot think
I’m
selfish?”

The other women looked at one another, unsure how to answer that.

Grainne broke the silence. “You’ll understand it all when you have one of your own,” she said dismissively. “Until then, you really haven’t got a clue.”

“
Y
ou know
that kind of judgemental attitude really gets to me,” Leah said later, when she and Olivia had left Amanda’s and were sitting in Leah’s apartment eating a fish and chip takeaway.
“I think you’re terribly selfish,
’ she mimicked Grainne’s patronising tone. “
Motherhood completes you
– what in the hell is all that about?” Her hands shook as she spoke, annoyed that once again, she had let people’s –
women’s
– disparaging attitudes get to her.

“Leah, they are spoilt, pampered biddies, that’s all,” Olivia said softly. “Between the nanny and the housekeeper, they all have plenty time on their hands to sit back and think about the ‘psychology’ of motherhood. I’m willing to bet that Grainne one has never had to clean up after a sick child, or been kept awake all night with a screaming baby. It’s a warped view of motherhood, a rose-tinted Hollywood version, and I can tell you from experience that it’s nothing like that.”

Leah’s shook her head. “I’m sorry, but sometimes those sorts of comments really upset me. I hate being made to feel like I’m a leper just because I’ve made a decision not to have any children. I mean, what’s it got to do with any of them?”

Olivia was silent for a moment. “Leah, you shouldn’t let them upset you like that,” she said kindly. “Look, you and I both know that what they’re saying about motherhood being all sweetness and light is utter crap. I love Ellie to bits, but most of the time I’d be lucky if I actually got any time to ponder over how ‘wondrous’,” she made quote-mark signs with her fingers, “the whole experience is. As it is, I’m torn between one minute wanting to hug her to bits, and the next wanting to shake her to bits.” She laughed. “You know all this anyway, and you shouldn’t be letting Amanda’s stupid cronies get to you.”

“I know, but I’ve been hearing a lot of this lately, and it’s driving me mad. People always assume that Josh and I are childless either because we’re waiting to have them in the future, or we can’t have them at all. They can’t bloody accept that we are child
free
by choice. And the problem is, I always seem to end up having to defend myself – as if I’ve committed some kind of crime or something!” She shook her head. “There are enough messed-up kids around these days, and maybe if their parents had thought a little bit more about whether they actually wanted them or not, instead of just having them because it’s ‘what you do’ …” She trailed off and shook her head. “Why is choosing not to have children such a taboo, Olivia? Open the papers and all you see is people talking about how childcare is too expensive, and how much strain and pressure they’re under trying to raise them properly. Yet when some of us decide
not
to put ourselves through it all, they call us self-obsessed and heartless.”

Olivia nodded, but for a long moment an uncomfortable silence hung between them.

“It’s just so bloody frustrating.” Leah said then. “As women, we’re supposed to have all these choices and in this day and age I – stupidly, it seems – thought we were free to make them. Yet, when I’m honest about
my
choice not to have children, I’m made feel as though I’ve done something wrong.” She shook her head. “And to be honest, what with Kate’s pregnancy and now Amanda’s, I seem to be feeling the pressure more.”

“I’d imagine it is frustrating for you.” Olivia said carefully.

Again there was a strained silence, until eventually, her heart beating quickly, Leah looked at Olivia. “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Of course not.”

In truth, Leah felt guilty about it, and was loath to push it, being very aware that reawakening memories of a very difficult and lonely time in her friend’s life could be very hard for Olivia. Still, and especially after tonight, she needed to ask.

“What
is
motherhood like?” she asked her. “What was it like in the early days – the really early days, when you knew nothing about babies, nothing about looking after Ellie, or feeding her or all that?” She watched Olivia closely for a reaction. “Was it anything like you’d imagined?”

Olivia gave a wry smile. “To be honest, I’m probably the wrong person to ask, really. It wasn’t quite the same for me.”

“I know that, and I really don’t want to bring it all up again for you but – ”

Olivia waved her away. “No, no, don’t be silly, I don’t mean that. It’s just obviously I wasn’t myself at the time. I was still grieving, so I wasn’t your typical new mother. I had other things on my mind, so I think I went through it all on complete autopilot. I had no other choice. I had to decide whether I would fall to pieces over losing my husband, or be there for our daughter. As well as that, I had a lot of help from my mum.” She smiled. “Actually, I think she’s the one you should be asking about this, Leah. She did most of the nappy-changing and night-feeds back then.”

Leah remembered how devastated her friend had been after the funeral, and how Olivia’s mother had thrown herself into caring for her eldest daughter and then, a few months later, her new granddaughter.

Olivia had come through all the heartbreak eventually, but Leah knew she was today a completely different person to the one she had been back at university. Back then, Olivia had been a planner, a perfectionist and everything from study time to nights out needed to be organised and planned down to the very last detail. Peter had been the same – hardworking, diligent and equally fastidious – so the two of them as a couple had been so perfectly matched it was incredible.

Thinking back now, Leah suspected that this very fact might have been part of the reason for their short break-up after graduation. She knew that Olivia had struggled a little then, the lack of routine and structure that suited her so well in college life having completely upended her in the ‘real world’. Trying to make sense of what she wanted to do with her life, and unsure of all the plans she had so carefully laid, both professionally and in her relationship, Olivia panicked, and out of the blue finished with poor Peter. Leah had been in Paris at the time, and couldn’t believe it when she heard that the ‘perfect couple’ had broken up, yet she suspected that it wouldn’t last long.

She was right. After a short while, the two were back together and, if anything, their time apart galvanised them into action and made their relationship stronger. Peter proposed, they made plans for their wedding and bought their first house, and from then on in it seemed there was no stopping them.

But tragically, as Olivia had eventually discovered, there were some plans that couldn’t be fine-tuned to the last detail, some things that just couldn’t be controlled.

“Earth to Leah,” Olivia teased, and Leah smiled, realising she had spent the last few minutes deep in thought. “Look, don’t worry – you shouldn’t feel as though you have to justify your decisions to anyone.”

“Oh, I suppose, I’m worse. In fairness, I should just let them think what they like, or that I
do
have fertility problems. But at the same time, I don’t see why I should do that. I don’t see why I have to lie and cover up about it because I might insult someone who has chosen differently. I totally respect any woman’s choice to have a child, so why can’t they do the same for me?”

Olivia looked sideways at her. “Leah, what’s brought all this about? Are you and Josh OK?”

Leah sighed and shook her head. “No, we’re great. Granted we haven’t seen all that much of one another lately, what with work being so busy over the last few weeks, and he’s not all that excited about all the work I need to do to get the shop going.” She rolled her eyes. “Still, we’ll be fine.”

“You should take it easy. Work isn’t the be-all and end-all of everything, you know.”

“I do know.” Leah smiled. It was still strange hearing something like that come out of Olivia’s mouth, when she herself had thought the very opposite a few years ago.

“Nah, things will be fine, he knows what I’m like – and once we get the shop opened and I take on some staff, things will settle down. It’s just …” She took a deep breath.

“What?”

“It’s not … it’s not just tonight that’s got to me. It’s
all
this talk of pregnancy and motherhood, with Kate too. I don’t mind admitting that lately I feel a bit … weird. I’m not quite sure how to handle it.” She looked embarrassed.

“Weird?”

“Well, for a start, I worry that I’m not giving Kate the necessary support. We’ve always been close, and I suppose I’m afraid that our friendship will suffer because we can’t share all this pregancy and new mother stuff.”

Olivia nodded. “I suppose it must be strange, because in college you were the one who wanted children, Kate insisted she didn’t, and then she went off and got pregnant on you.” She laughed, seeing Leah’s expression. “You know what I mean – Kate was probably the last one of us you could picture as a mother. Then, Amanda – look, she’s just being Amanda – looking for attention, and getting lots and lots of it. I mean, whoever heard of a party to celebrate your pregnancy?”

Leah rolled her eyes. “I know.”

“But look, it hasn’t happen to
us
, has it? I’ve been a mum for years now and you and I are still as close as ever - despite living in different places even.”

“But that was different. I was away for most of your pregnancy and for Ellie’s early days. Other than sending her presents on her birthday and hearing about it all on the phone, you couldn’t really say I was involved.”

“But you don’t really have to be involved, Leah. You can still be a good friend, you still
are
a good friend.”

Leah nodded and looked away, although she still wasn’t quite sure how to get her feelings across without sounding silly. “It’s just … oh, I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, and after all this time, it’s not as though I can do anything about it but –”

“But?” Olivia waited patiently for her to continue.

Leah grimaced. “At Amanda’s tonight, I don’t think it was just the comments that bothered me.”

“Go on.”

“I mean, the talk about how motherhood ‘completes’ you drives me up the wall of course. But then, there’s the normal day-to-day pregnancy stuff that Kate is excited about, and I can’t join in. I feel like such an idiot when I try to, because obviously I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about and then …” She paused and looked directly at Olivia. “I suppose it might be getting to me a little now that I won’t be able to join in – ever.”

Olivia reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I thought it might be that. I did wonder actually, but I didn’t want to say anything. You’ve always been so decisive about it

that –”

“I’m … I think I’m a little jealous, actually,” Leah blurted. There, she had finally admitted it. She saw Olivia give her an encouraging smile. “I never thought I’d say that, I swore that it wouldn’t matter. After all, I’ve made my decision, my business is my baby as such, and I have other fish to fry. So, it didn’t matter – not at the time – but now, when it seems that I’m the only one of the old gang not settling down and having babies, I’m not so sure. I think that’s what made me so tetchy tonight. I’m feeling left out.”

“Look, I can completely understand that. You were bound to feel that way at some stage and now, with Kate, one of your closest friends, going through pregnancy and your being forced into a roomful of happily pregnant women tonight, it’s inevitable that you’d question things. But having doubts about your own decisions doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re wrong. You had to make some tough choices, Leah, and it’s only natural that sometimes you’d question them. I’m sure Josh, in his quiet moments – if he has them, that is – would possibly question them too.”

“It’s a little too late for that now though, isn’t it?” Leah said sadly.

Olivia squeezed her hand again. “I suppose it is.”

D
espite her friend’s
protestations that the decision never to have children didn’t bother her, Olivia had always wondered about that. She had always wondered if some day the time might come when Leah would regret her decision, and regret the fact that she had to choose between losing the man she loved with all her heart, or becoming a mother sometime in the future.

She remembered how, when Josh and Leah started going out first; Josh had blown them all away by his gorgeousness and the fact that he seemed almost too good to be true. They all got on like a house on fire and he obviously adored Leah. Yet, only a few months into their almost fairytale relationship, Josh had dropped a bombshell that shocked Leah to the core.

Leah hadn’t been in a serious relationship for some time, so it wasn’t as if the subject was foremost in her mind, but one evening Josh took her out to dinner and told her that he loved her very much, that he could easily see himself spending the rest of his life with her, but that he didn’t –
couldn’t
– ever see himself wanting children.

Leah had laughed at the time, thinking he was joking, wondering why on earth he had even begun such a stupid conversation. She’d recited it word for word to Olivia afterwards.

“I’ve had some problems in other relationships with this,” he’d said. “And I just wanted to come clean and let you know exactly how I feel about it before we go any further.”

Then, by his face, Leah had known that this was no joke: Josh was deadly serious. His face was solemn, his clear blue eyes thoughtful, as he tried to explain his feelings.

“It’s something I’ve known for a long time – something I’ve always known, actually. I like babies and kids and I love my nephews and my little niece, but I also know for certain that I don’t want a child of my own.”

“But how can you possibly make a decision like that at this stage? You never know, you might feel differently in a few years’ time.”

Josh shook his head. “I’m not getting at you in particular, but why do people always assume that you don’t know your own feelings about something like this – that you might change your mind? From as young as seventeen we’re all expected to make decisions as to what university we’ll go to, or what career we’d like. If you can be trusted to make a life-affecting decision like that at such a young age, then why not this?”

“Yes, but that’s completely different, you could easily change your mind and –”

“Leah, I won’t,” Josh took her hand and looked deep into her eyes. “I’ve had many conversation like this with various women over the last few years.” He smiled when Leah raised an eyebrow. “I know how that sounds too. But this is the reason why. I care about you a lot, I think we could have a future here, and I think it’s only fair that you should know everything about me, so that you can make an informed decision.”

“Decision?”

“Yes. Because if you keep going out with me, thinking that my feelings will change, then you’ll be kidding yourself from the word go, and there’s little point in our going any further with this. I won’t change my mind, believe me.”

Leah breathed deeply. “Wow, this is a strange conversation, I must say, but look, Josh, it isn’t a massive thing for me either, to be honest. But I don’t think I could tell you here and now that I never want children, because I really don’t know.”

“But I do, Leah, that’s the thing – I do.”

“You’re really serious, aren’t you?” she asked. “But why?”

He shrugged. “I don’t really think there is a reason as such. Cowardice could be one of them. Another is the fact that I enjoy my life and I enjoy my lifestyle. I’ve never had any great desire to repopulate the universe. I don’t buy into the fact that’s it something we all ‘have to do’.”

“And what about your parents – your own upbringing?” Josh’s dad had worked hard at building up his business and as a result he now owned one of the most successful DIY chains in the country. Leah knew that the two didn’t exactly see eye to eye at the best of times, but still that didn’t really give Josh enough justification to never want a child of his own.

“OK I hate this psychology stuff, and I suppose if you think deeply enough about it, you could say that all of this stems from my background. You know I’m adopted, and that me and my adoptive dad don’t have a terrific relationship. But, Leah, I honestly don’t think that’s it, I don’t think that I’m trying not to repeat the ‘sins of the fathers’ or anything else like that. I’m just making a lifestyle choice, in the same way that some people become vegetarian. Surely I’m entitled to do that without having to justify it?”

“Well, I don’t know if it’s quite the same as vegetarianism,” Leah said with a grin, “but I suppose you are entitled to make your own choices.”

“Exactly.”

Josh said nothing more for a moment and Leah thought about what he had said earlier.

“So, some of your previous relationships haven’t gone well as a result of this?” she asked.

Josh gave a wry smile. “That’s putting it mildly. My last girlfriend, Sharon, knew about my feelings on this right from the beginning. It would be unfair otherwise. So, she accepted it from the outset but I suppose, like yourself, she thought that maybe over time I’d change my mind.” His eyes fixed on Leah’s. “But I didn’t, and I haven’t, and I can’t see myself changing my mind – not over time, not now, not ever. I’m certain of that.”

“I see.”

“So what I’m asking you to do is go away for a while and think about it. Think seriously about whether or not it is enough for you just to have me in your life, or whether you want something more.”

“That’s not an easy decision to make, Josh. I mean, I don’t know where we’re going. I care about you a lot too, but we haven’t been together all that long and …” She trailed off.

“I know that, too. But I’m mad about you, Leah, more than I’ve been about anyone in a long, long, time. We have a great laugh together, we like the same things, you’re strong, independent, you know your own mind, you don’t take rubbish from anyone …”

She laughed. “Glad you realise it!”

Josh reached for her hand across the table. “Seriously though, this is important. If I had some sort of medical problem or something like that I would have to tell you straight away. This isn’t a medical problem – as far as I’m concerned it isn’t a problem at all – but it is something that will affect you and your future. If you’re the kind of person that can live with that, well and good, but if you find you can’t, well … I wouldn’t like to hold you back.”

“So what happened, the last time, with that girl Sharon? Did she try and change your mind?”

“Not exactly. For the most part she accepted it and we were fine for a long time. Towards the end though, occasionally I would spot her looking lovingly at a cute child in the street, or she’d been watching some sentimental TV show about childless couples or something and then I could almost read what was going through her mind. We were together nearly three years when she decided she couldn’t take it any more. It was as though she hadn’t really thought about it when we got together first – after all we were very young, but then when one of her friends had a baby and she realised she couldn’t ever have one of her own –”

“She realised she couldn’t make that sacrifice,” Leah finished. Josh nodded and she took a drink from her glass. “At the moment, I couldn’t tell you that what you’ve said bothers me one way or the other. I care about you a lot too. I really enjoy our time together, and I could also see us enjoying the same things, and having a good life if we did stay together. But I suppose it is easy to say that now.”

“So you’ll have a think about it then?” he asked. “A good think about it too – don’t be afraid to get another point of view or discuss it with your friends or anything like that. Don’t worry about breaking my confidence, Leah, because as far as I’m concerned I’ve nothing to hide, and I stand by my decision.”

She nodded. “OK, thanks for being honest with me. And I promise that if I choose to go along with your decision, I’ll be faithful to it, Josh. I
won’t
change my mind. If I decide to respect your choice never to have children and still stay with you knowing what I know, then it’ll be my choice too.”

But, looking at Leah now, sitting on the couch, confused and upset after having yet again to justify that choice to others, Olivia wondered if those words still held true.