Never Say Never (Lakeview Contemporary Romance Book 3) (13 page)

I
t was
the night of Amanda’s famous Mums-to-Be Party and Leah was just about ready to climb the walls. The fact that Andrew was now investing in Elysium meant that she had to speedily rethink her decision not to attend, as it would be appear very rude not to. Thankfully Olivia had come along to give her some moral support. Which at that moment in time Leah badly needed. She wondered again what someone like her was doing in a place like this.

Amanda seemed to have invited all her new-mummy friends, and if Leah didn’t know better she could have sworn that the girl had also raided the nearest maternity ward, there were so many heavily pregnant women in attendance. She was trying her level best to ignore the sight of them sitting on the sofa, gazing at and lovingly rubbing their expanding bellies. The room had been decorated with baby balloons, and
Mother & Baby
and
Your Pregnancy
magazines were strewn all over the coffee table. Although there wasn’t a child in sight, Leah could almost smell the baby powder.

As usual, Amanda had gone way over the top, but judging by her apparent glee at falling pregnant in the first place, this wasn’t surprising. Leah recalled the strange phone call she’d received from the girl a few weeks earlier. She and Amanda weren’t close so to say it was a surprise to hear from her was a complete understatement.

“Leah – hi, I’m so glad I got you at home!” she shrieked.

“Why, what’s wrong?” Leah hadn’t been able to tell by her high-pitched tone whether the girl was excited or upset. And, with Amanda, it was always hard to tell.

“Well, I have some amazing news!”

“Oh?” Leah waited for the impending announcement that Brown Thomas had had a last-minute ‘day only’ sale and that Amanda had secured an impossibly gorgeous Jill Sander dress for some one of her fancy dinner parties, or something similar.

But she was wrong

“I’m pregnant!” Amanda announced breathlessly. “Now, I know what you’re thinking – and it
is
a bit of a surprise, seeing as me and Andrew have only been trying for a few months or so – but still, it’s happened!”

Leah gulped, images of Amanda and Andrew ‘trying’ coming unbidden into her mind. Ugh, what a horrible expression – why couldn’t people say something less graphic like ‘hoping to have a baby’ or something? “Oh,” she said, then quickly added, “it’s fantastic news – congratulations.” Inwardly, though, she couldn’t help feeling slightly deflated.

Not another one.

“Thanks, Leah! Imagine me – pregnant! It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? I can hardly get used to it myself, especially when I’ve just found out. We’re supposed to keep it a secret and not tell anyone until the twelve weeks are up, but I just can’t wait – I’m five weeks pregnant and want to tell the world!”

“Five weeks,” Leah repeated, taken aback. That was a little early to be shouting about it.

“So, how are you feeling? Have you been sick, or anything?” she asked.

“Oh, Leah, you wouldn’t believe it.” As if to demonstrate, Amanda’s tone all of a sudden sounded like that of a frail old lady. “It’s been just awful – I’m so tired all the time and weak as a kitten. And then, each morning I’m like Mount Etna, throwing up on everything, over and over again. It’s simply
dread
ful.”

“You poor thing.” At this, the slight envy Leah had been feeling ended quickly. She could only imagine what morning sickness must be like.

“But, you know me – easygoing as anything. I’ll just take it all in my stride.”

Leah couldn’t help but smile. Amanda was probably one of the least easygoing people you could meet. Always quick to take offence, she would start an argument with anyone who looked at her sideways. She and Kate had always been at loggerheads throughout college, no-nonsense Kate having little time for what she described as Amanda’s pathetic childishness and Amanda more than once calling Kate “a humourless cow”.

Leah idly wondered what a heavily pregnant Kate would make of Amanda’s news.

“Well, look, Leah, I’ve tons of people to phone, but obviously I wanted to tell you personally – before word gets out.” She put it so dramatically that, despite herself, Leah had visions of shrieking newspaper headlines proclaiming Amanda’s pregnancy to the world. “So, I’d better go – I still have a whole list of people to get through!”

“No problem. Pass on my congratulations to Andrew. I take it you two will be breaking out the champagne?”

“Oh, no celebrating for me,” Amanda said, piously. “From now on, I’ll have to be
very
careful – no alcohol.”

“You can have a glass, surely?” Leah said surprised. At only five weeks, was a total ban on alcohol absolutely necessary?

“Oh, no,” Amanda was adamant. “Anyway, Andrew wouldn’t allow it – he’s treating me like a china doll as it is! Honestly, Leah you should see the way he looks at me, as though I’m the most fragile and precious thing in the world!”

And don’t you just love that, Leah thought, rather uncharitably. Amanda adored being the centre of attention, and of course, being pregnant meant that Andrew was undoubtedly waiting on her hand and foot. No doubt she’d milk the role of delicate mother-to-be to for all it was worth. Lucky old her.

“Well, tell him congrats from me, won’t you?” Leah said.

“I will. Oh, be sure to tell Josh the news, won’t you?” Amanda added.

“Of course – he’ll be delighted,” Leah said, ringing off and thinking privately that pregnancies and children were so far down her boyfriend’s agenda, it wouldn’t register with him even if Amanda was having a litter of kittens.

Now, someone with a very similar agenda to Amanda, one of her party guests in fact, was droning in Leah’s ear, the woman’s nasal tone piercing her brain. “Becoming a mother changes your life in ways you couldn’t
possibly
imagine.”

“Oh, it changes you
completely
, Grainne.” Another guest joined them, and Leah was sandwiched in between the two.

Having nothing to contribute, she silently beseeched Olivia, who was standing at the other end of the room for assistance, but in vain. Her friend was deep in conversation with someone else.

The woman who was called Grainne had strolled in earlier dressed to the nines in designer gear, accompanied by a put-upon nanny, and Leah immediately decided that, even if this woman had ever
seen
a nappy in her lifetime, she would almost certainly not know what to do with it.

“Don’t you find that you look at life completely differently these days?” Grainne went on.

“Absolutely,” Amanda, her blonde hair styled to perfection, drifted towards the group to join the conversation. Stuck in the middle of all this, Leah felt decidedly uncomfortable. “Sometimes I feel as though I didn’t know what life was really all about until I discovered this new one growing inside of me.” Dressed in over-the-top designer maternity wear, Amanda pushed out her non-existent tummy and bestowed a beatific smile at Leah, who smiled politely back.

Grainne nodded gravely. “The thing is, you really don’t understand true pain or suffering until you’ve experienced childbirth,” she declared, and Leah noticed Amanda’s dreamily serene expression deflate slightly at this. “Nor, until then, can you truly understand what it is to be a woman.”

“But of course.” Amanda nodded gravely. “As a woman, pregnancy and motherhood completes you.”

“What?” Leah asked, her hackles rising slightly at this. “What do you mean, ‘completes you’? You’re saying that up until becoming pregnant, your life has been worthless?”

Grainne nodded. “Well, not worthless, but certainly nothing I’ve done is as important as having my daughter.”

“But what about all your achievements in life so far – your degree, your career, your relationships?” Leah asked, feeling slightly threatened.

“Yes of course, but all those things become superficial once you have a child.” Grainne spoke as if motherhood had helped her achieve some form of Zen state. She and Amanda exchanged patronising smiles. “You’ll understand when you have one of your own.”

Leah’s heart skipped a beat. “
When
I have one of my own?” she repeated. She felt so uncomfortable with these conversations, hated people’s quick assumptions. Granted, Amanda didn’t know about her situation but still … “And what on earth makes you think I
will
have one of my own?” she asked Grainne, unable to prevent the rise in her tone.

At this, it was as if all conversation halted in the room, and everyone turned to look at them. Out of the corner of her eye, Leah saw Olivia approach, and soon after she felt a protective hand on her arm.

“Oh Leah, I had no idea, I didn’t realise …” To her credit, Amanda looked genuinely perturbed.

“Me neither.” Grainne shook her head sadly, and assumed a sombre expression. “You must think we’re very insensitive.”

Insensitive? Idiotic, more like
, Leah thought. But really, she decided, she shouldn’t let this kind of talk get to her so much. “It’s fine,” she said, relaxing a little, “but sometimes I
do
find it difficult to – ”

“You know,” Grainne went on as if Leah hadn’t spoken. “I sometimes wonder if there’s something in the air these days – something
literally
in the air, from those nuclear power plants or something – because so many of my friends are having similar problems.” The other women nodded in agreement.

“Problems?” Leah repeated, her eyes widening.

“Well, you know what she means …” Amanda actually looked embarrassed as she indicated somewhere in the direction of Leah’s tummy.

“Fertility problems,” Grainne finished.

“Leah,” Olivia began, “why don’t we go and sit down –”

“No,” Leah shrugged her off, blood rushing to her face as she faced Grainne. “I’d like to know why Ms Earth Mummy here seems to think that I have a fertility problem.”

Grainne frowned. “Well, seeing as you said you couldn’t have children, I just assumed –”

“You assumed wrong. And I didn’t say I
couldn’t
have children – I just choose not to.”

“Oh.” The shocked disbelief on the other woman’s face was a picture.

Leah sighed inwardly.
Same reaction, every time.

“But, but why? I mean … why not?” Grainne blustered.

“Why should I?” Leah replied sharply, momentarily enjoying the other woman’s discomfort.

“But, but … it’s what people
do,
Leah,” Amanda protested. “What we’re
supposed
to do.”

Leah bristled. She was sick of this argument, sick of having to always defend her choices. “Why?” she challenged. “Is it written down in some life manual that in order to live a full and healthy life, all women are
supposed
to have children?”

“But – but why would you
not
want them?” Amanda said, looking at Leah as if she had gained another head. “I mean it’s only natural, isn’t it?”

Leah’s heart tightened and, for a moment, she couldn’t think of a reply.

“So, who will look after you when you’re older then?” Christine, another expectant mummy piped up. At this, the other women murmured and nodded in approval.

Leah recovered from her momentary lapse. “You think that having a child will guarantee you’ll be looked after when you’re older?”

“But of course – who else would do it but your own flesh and blood?”

Leah shook her head, having heard this argument many times before too. “I’m sorry but have any of you visited a nursing home lately? Do you think all the residents are there because they have no family to look after them? Of course not. Chances are most of them do have children of their own – children who for one reason or another cannot, or
choose
not to look after them. It guarantees nothing.”

“Well,
I
think that people like you are terribly selfish.” Christine laboured the point. “You
do
realise that it’ll be
our
children – the taxpayers of tomorrow – paying your pension when you get older, don’t you? So,
our
children will be looking after you.”

Leah bristled. “You’re calling
me
selfish, when the only reason you could give for having a child is someone to look after you when you get older? Give me a break.”

“Amanda, Leah and I have to get going soon,” Olivia said softly, trying to be peacemaker.

“I think you’re all missing the point,” Grainne went on, ignoring her. “What about all those poor couples who can’t have children? Isn’t it incredibly selfish and unfair of you not to have children, when you can?”

That particular accusation really annoyed Leah. As if her own,
personal
choices were made out of spite.

“I feel desperately sorry for anyone who wants a child and can’t have one – of course I do,” she said, “but my having a baby, simply because I can, won’t help those people. And even if I did do that – even if I
did
bring a child into the world, but knew well I wasn’t fully committed to motherhood – then surely that is even more unfair to the child?”

Grainne didn’t respond and the two women glowered at one another.

“How then, can you call me selfish?” Leah persisted.

“Look,” Christine said then, “I respect your choice, as long as you don’t have anything against children. Because, personally, I think anyone who doesn’t adore children is just plain weird.”

At this, Leah’s stomach gave a little jump.

“OK, I think we should end this conversation here and now,” Olivia said a little more firmly this time.

“No, this is interesting actually,” Leah went on. “So tell me then, why
did
you decide to have children, Christine? What made you come to that decision?”

“Well, I suppose I’ve never really thought about it all that much, and I didn’t come to a decision – as such.” She looked around at the others for support. “It’s just what you do, once you get married, isn’t it?”

The other women nodded in agreement.

“Amazing,” Leah said, shaking her head. “I’m standing here in a roomful of educated, successful career women, and you’re all saying that you made this decision – this immensely important decision to bring another person into the world – because ‘it’s just what you do’? Another human being that needs constant looking after – not just now but for the next twenty years or so? Crazy …” She shook her head in bewilderment. “Put it this way, if child-rearing was considered a job you’d have to stay with for all those years with no pay, would you be so willing to sign up without thinking strongly about it? I don’t think so – so why this?”