Never Say Goodbye (6 page)

Feeling a horrible sinking sensation at the prospect of what her tomorrows might bring, she drew the duvet up over her head and closed her eyes.

‘I promise you,’ Nick had said just now, but whatever the promise was she knew it would never be the forgiveness she craved; nor the ability to undo what she had done, since it wasn’t in anyone’s power to change the past.

‘
SO WHERE ARE
you now?’ Jeff was asking.

‘Just leaving the caff,’ Josie replied, swapping her mobile to the other ear as she made her way along Kesterly’s busy seafront towards the bus stop. The wind was bitter this afternoon, whipping the waves up over the rocks, and tearing through the Christmas lights like some avenging fiend.

‘Then I’ll pick you up,’ he told her. ‘I’m just turning out of North Road, so I should see you any minute.’

‘No, don’t worry about me,’ she cried, probably too quickly. ‘I’ve got some shopping to do, and I promised Carly I’d meet her for a cup of tea at Yuri’s when I get off the bus.’ Since Yuri’s bakery was next to the cab office on Temple Fields high street, she had to hope that Jeff didn’t take it upon himself to drop in and surprise her. It might be a good idea to text Carly, the neighbourhood blabbermouth, to ask her for cover, except then she’d have to explain what she was really doing, and since she didn’t want Carly and the rest of the world knowing her business she felt suddenly irritable and frustrated. ‘I have to ring off now,’ she told Jeff shortly. ‘I’ll see you at home about seven,’ and before he could say any more she ended the call.

Just don’t let him be in the cab office by the time she got off the bus, or he’d be likely to see her walking in the opposite direction to the bakery and wonder where the heck she was going. Actually, he’d probably guess, since the only reason they ever ventured north of the high street, apart from when Jeff was picking up or dropping off a fare, was when one of them needed to see the doctor whose surgery was at the Health Centre on Long Walk.

It wasn’t easy having secrets, but no one had ever said it was, and anyway it wouldn’t be for much longer. She just needed to get this bit of nonsense sorted out, then she could get on with organising Christmas.

After that it’d be full steam ahead for the wedding.

August 11th was the date Lily and Jasper had set when they’d gone to see the vicar the week before last. Luckily, the golf club was able to fit them in on that date too, so the venues at least were settled. Quite what Jasper’s parents were making of it all she could only guess at, since Lily hadn’t told her yet how the news had gone down. If they hadn’t been thrilled Lily was sure to have said so, and since all she’d texted about these last few days was the fantastic dress the designer was creating, Josie had to presume that the Cunninghams were at peace with their youngest son blowing his little windfall on a wedding.

‘They’re probably seeing it as saving them from having to fork out,’ Jeff had commented gruffly.

The fact that he wasn’t expected to foot the bill was a bit of a mixed blessing for him, since he felt relieved, of course, given they didn’t have a brass farthing to call their own, but Josie knew it was sitting badly with him not to be able to take it on himself.

Another black mark against Ryan, as if there weren’t enough already.

Still, the important thing right now, especially for Jeff, was that Lily and Jasper were planning to spend Christmas Day with them and Boxing Day with his folks over in Kent. Had it been the other way round, she knew Jeff would have felt every bit as crushed as she would about neither of their children being at the Christmas table. Of course, being the way he was, Jeff wouldn’t have voiced his disappointment in more than a few grunts and sighs, but Josie generally knew what he was thinking, in the same way as she knew that his son was rarely far from his thoughts.

Certainly he was rarely far from hers, or from his sister’s, which would be why Lily, in her typically sensitive way, had made sure she would be with them on Christmas Day itself. It was going to be their first without Ryan.

Dismissing the awfulness of that from her mind as she spotted three rolls of Christmas paper for a quid in the window of the Pound Shop, Josie ran in, grabbed six, tossed two coins at the cashier, and ran out again just in time to jump on the 28 bus. It was easing her conscience a bit, she realised, as she sank into a window seat, to have turned the lie to Jeff about doing a bit of shopping before heading home into a truth.

Now all she had to do was get some presents to go inside the wrapping and a few tags to tie on – luckily they’d set a fifteen-pound limit for everyone this year so as not to break the bank – and they still had to bring their tree down from the loft. She’d been on at Jeff about it for over a week now, but, as usual, he was either too busy to go and borrow a ladder from Alan across the street, or there was something on telly he just had to watch. He’d get there eventually, he always did, and even though they couldn’t afford a real tree, which she’d have dearly liked, he’d no doubt pull off his usual trick of popping in the garden centre on Christmas Eve to snap up some real mistletoe, if there was any left, and a wreath with berries and a ribbon for a fraction of the original price.

Forty minutes later, after a tiring stop-start bus ride out to the estate, Josie was settling herself down in the doctors’ waiting room. Hearing her mobile bleep with a text she took it out, expecting it to be Lily, but it turned out to be from Mr Crover-Keene.

Sorry, Josie. Should have been in touch earlier to say thank you for helping out Saturday before last. As usual you did a stellar job.

You’re welcome,
she texted back.
Do you mind if I take Christmas week off, or will you be needing me?

If he did, she’d try to work it in somehow, not only because they needed the money, but because he’d been so kind to her over the Ryan business that she never liked to let him down.

A message quickly came back saying,
No problem. Not around again till New Year so Merry Christmas to you and your family.

To you too,
she texted back, wondering where he might be spending his time, and who with. Probably Jennifer Whatever-her-name-was, the latest girlfriend. She’d been down to Kesterly a couple of times now, and if Josie was being honest, she hadn’t taken to her all that well. A proper snob was what Jeff would have called her, if he’d seen the way she’d looked right through Josie during the cocktail party. She hadn’t even called Josie by name when she’d asked her to circulate with the canapés. In Josie’s book that was just plain rude, but she wasn’t the only person Josie had come across of that class who didn’t seem to have much in the way of manners. Or certainly none they bothered trotting out for the help.

Still, Josie had no desire to make a bosom pal of Jennifer Thingummybob, indeed, she had no intention of thinking about her at all when she had more than enough to occupy her mind. A visiting order had come through from Ryan this morning, so she needed to ring up and confirm that she and Lily would be there the Saturday before Christmas.

Glancing up as someone’s name was called, she watched an overweight woman waddle towards the corridor of GPs’ offices and wondered if she was on her way to see Dr Moore. The only GP Josie would ever see was Cecily Moore, mainly because she always seemed to make time for her patients, particularly the kids. Jeff totally swore by her, especially after she’d sorted out his spell of depression following the Dawnie Hopkins episode. And the treatment Dr Moore had prescribed for his back when he’d wrenched it last summer had him up and about again in no time at all. Remembering that, Josie made a mental note to mention the backaches she’d been getting lately. Perhaps the same pills and exercises would work for her. More likely a change of mattress was needed, but that was an expense they really couldn’t run to.

It was twenty minutes after her scheduled appointment that her name was finally called, and feeling a little queasy all of a sudden she put aside the old copy of
Heat
she’d been flicking through and resisted the urge to walk out the main door. It seemed all wrong to be wasting the doctor’s time with her bit of nonsense when there were people out there – actually probably in here – who had much more need of her help.

Feeling the receptionist’s watchful eye as though daring her to make a break for it, she walked on down the corridor and was about to knock on Dr Moore’s door when Dr Moore herself opened it and greeted her almost like an old friend.

‘Josie, this is a nice surprise,’ she said warmly. ‘Come in, come in. Sorry to have kept you. How’s the family?’

‘Oh, we’re all fine, thanks,’ Josie assured her, as the doctor closed the door and waved her to a chair at the side of the desk. She’d probably forgotten Ryan was in prison, or maybe she didn’t know. ‘And you?’ she said. ‘Are you keeping well?’ It felt strange to be asking a doctor how she was.

‘Oh, I mustn’t grumble,’ Dr Moore replied with a smile, ‘though my husband says I never stop.’

Josie smiled too.

‘So, what can I do for you today?’

‘Well,’ Josie began, feeling her insides starting to curl up in knots, ‘I’ve got this . . . Well, I’ve had a bit of a backache lately, and I was wondering if you might be able to let me have some of the pills you gave Jeff when he was having a problem with his.’

Dr Moore’s sweetly lined face was showing only interest as she nodded. ‘OK, we’ll take a little look at you. Is there anything else?’

Josie felt herself starting to flush. ‘Well, um, I had a bit of thrush a while ago, and I think it might have come back, so if you can give me something for that . . .’

Dr Moore made a note and opened her top drawer. ‘Shall we have a quick check of your blood pressure before we go any further?’ she suggested, pulling out the equipment.

Knowing this was routine, Josie shrugged off her coat and rolled up her sleeve.

‘And is there anything else?’ the doctor asked as she wrapped the cuff around Josie’s arm and tightened it.

Josie shook her head. ‘No, nothing,’ she assured her. ‘Just my back and the other little business.’

Dr Moore nodded, watched the digital readout, declared everything fine there and released Josie’s arm.

The inspection of her back, and down below, didn’t take long and as usual, Dr Moore was very careful when it came to prodding the speculum where it was designed to go. ‘When was your last smear test?’ she asked, peering into the darkness. ‘Can you remember?’

‘I’m not sure,’ Josie replied. ‘A couple of years ago, I expect. It’s only supposed to be every three, isn’t it?’

‘That’s right. I’ll just check your records, because if it’s about due we might as well get it done now.’

Happy with that, Josie continued to lie where she was with her legs in stirrups and a modesty cover over her knees. She wouldn’t much care for being a doctor, she was reflecting, coming face to face with women’s undercarriages on a regular basis, and men’s, come to that.

‘OK, seems you’re not due for another fourteen months,’ Dr Moore informed her, ‘so we won’t bother with it now,’ and coming to remove the speculum she lowered the chair, stripped off her gloves and waited while Josie put her clothes back on.

‘I expect,’ she said, as Josie sat down again, ‘that the problem with your back is to do with your job. You’re still cleaning, are you?’

Josie nodded. ‘Not as much now though. I’m doing some shifts in town, at the Seafront Cafe.’ There was a good chance the doctor had worked that out for herself, since the greasy scent of all-day breakfasts was probably lingering all over her.

‘You smell good enough to eat,’ Jeff used to say when she first had the job. These days it either turned him off, or he’d just stopped noticing.

‘I haven’t been there for a long time,’ Dr Moore commented. ‘We used to go a lot when the children were young. Anyway, you should take care of how much you’re lifting and the way you’re lifting it. I’m giving you a sheet of exercises to help strengthen your muscles, and if you can get yourself a Pilates balance board, all the better. They’re not expensive, somewhere around twelve to fifteen pounds, I think.’ She twinkled. ‘Maybe you can put one on your Christmas wish list?’

A good idea, since Jeff kept asking what she wanted. Maybe he could track one down on eBay for a bit less than the asking.

‘OK, so here’s a prescription to help with the thrush,’ Dr Moore continued. ‘We’ll go the cream and pessaries route for now, but if it doesn’t get any better, come and see me again and we’ll try something else.’

‘Thank you,’ Josie said softly as she took the prescription.

Dr Moore’s eyes came to hers.

Josie’s throat turned dry. The doctor knew. Somehow she’d sensed that Josie hadn’t come clean with everything.

‘This is, well, it’s probably nothing,’ Josie stammered, glancing down at her hands, ‘but there’s this, um . . . Well, I’ve got a bit of a sore boob. It’s not a lump, or anything . . . Well, it is, but I think it’s some sort of boil, or cyst . . .’

Keeping her expression neutral, Dr Moore said, ‘Why don’t you slip off your top so I can have a look?’

Wishing she hadn’t brought it up now, Josie did as she was told and lay back on the bed while Dr Moore had a little prod round. ‘It doesn’t feel quite so tender today,’ she said with a shaky laugh. ‘That’s what happens, isn’t it, when you come to the doctor? All the symptoms you thought you had just up and disappear.’

Dr Moore smiled. ‘Well, this one hasn’t, I’m afraid. It’s still there, and I think, to be on the safe side, we should have you checked over by a specialist. You can get dressed again now.’

Pulling the T-shirt over her head, Josie said, ‘It’s probably another cyst. I’ve had them before.’

‘Indeed you have,’ the doctor agreed, ‘but this one seems a little different, so I’m going to arrange an appointment for you at the breast clinic.’ Fear must have shown in Josie’s eyes, because she quickly went on to say, ‘I don’t want you to start worrying, it’s simply a precaution, to be on the safe side, because if it does turn out to be something untoward we want to catch it good and early.’