Never Say Goodbye (53 page)

Josie was shaking her head. ‘She’s not punishing you, not if she loved you as much as I’m sure she did. More likely you’re shutting her out rather than risk hearing things you won’t be able to bear, but even if you did hear them, you said yourself it’s your own subconscious speaking, or your conscience, so it wouldn’t be her blaming you, it would be you blaming yourself.’

Taking a breath, Bel gazed deeply into Josie’s eyes. ‘You’re just like my sister,’ she told her, ‘she’d always find excuses for me, do her best to persuade me it wasn’t my fault.’

‘I only wish she’d had more success. And what about your father? I take it you never see him now?’

Bel’s jaw tightened. ‘Never,’ she replied. ‘Our only contact, which isn’t really contact at all, comes from an ex-policeman who lives on the same island, who I’m paying to watch him. He writes to me every six weeks or so to let me know that there’s nothing to report. The instant there is I’ll go straight to the authorities, naturally, but until then . . . It’s a part of my life I never want to revisit if I can help it.’

‘Of course not,’ Josie concurred, thinking what a terrible shame it was that Harry wasn’t able to do the same for Bel as Nick had for Talia. She desperately needed someone to help her move on from the tragedies of her past, someone who could show her what a beautiful, sensitive, worthwhile and wonderful young woman she was. ‘You’ve kept it bottled up for too long,’ she said gently. ‘You need to speak to someone who knows how to deal with these issues.’

There was a hint of irony in Bel’s eyes as she surveyed her friend. ‘I’m talking to you,’ she countered.

Josie smiled. ‘You can always do that, any time you like, but I’m probably not the best person.’

‘In my book you’re always the best person, but you don’t need to be shouldering my problems . . .’

‘You mean the way you don’t need to shoulder mine?’

Bel couldn’t help but laugh.

‘I’m here for you,’ Josie whispered. ‘I’ll always listen and help you in any way I can.’

Tears glistened in Bel’s eyes as she said, ‘I know you will, and I also know that you share my sister’s gift for turning the subject away from herself to make it about the other person.’

Josie’s expression was wry. ‘It seems a good idea to me to talk about things we can change, rather than those we can’t.’ Even as she said the words her heart gave a twist of fear. She couldn’t alter the course for herself now, but she could at least try to do some good while she was still here.

‘Jeff and Lily are going to worry if we don’t head back soon,’ Bel reminded her.

Josie nodded, but made no attempt to move. ‘I can’t help wishing,’ she said, ‘that things could have worked out for you with Harry. He’s the kind of man you deserve. He’d understand what you’ve been through, and being as clever as he is he’d be able to advise you much better than I can.’

‘Even if you’re right, it’s neither his, nor your job to advise me, and I refuse to let you carry on talking about me.’

‘You can refuse all you like . . .’

‘Josie!’

‘OK, just as long as we don’t get started on what happened at the hospital today.’

‘You’ll have to deal with it sometime.’

‘I know, and I will, but I read somewhere online, written by someone in the same position as me: “The cancer and treatment are only the staples holding things together, the pages are for the story of my life and I intend to keep filling them.” I thought I’d take a leaf out of that book, pardon the pun.’

Bel’s eyes filled with admiration.

‘Does that make me like your sister too?’ Josie teased.

Bel nodded.

‘I like having her as a role model. I don’t expect I’ll make quite the same sort of impact on the catwalk as she did, though.’

‘I think you’ll be marvellous,’ Bel assured her, ‘as long as you feel up to it. No one’s going to think any the worse of you if you decide you have to pull out.’

‘What? It’s only a couple of weeks away,’ Josie declared, ‘so I shall be taking part in that show even if it’s the last thing I do.’

Bel’s eyes narrowed as the words resonated between them.

‘I probably shouldn’t say things like that, should I?’ Josie grimaced.

Bel shook her head. ‘No, you really shouldn’t,’ and loving the way Josie laughed, she slipped an arm round her shoulders to begin the walk home.

‘
MUM, ARE YOU
sure about this?’

Lily was having to shout to make herself heard above the cacophony of the dressing room. There was so much excitement in the commotion of stylists, choreographers, make-up artists, hairdressers, runners and other models, that it was impossible not to feel electrified simply by being there.

‘Please stop asking me that,’ Josie replied, keeping her eyes fixed on the multi-bulb mirror and the glamorous young girl who was turning her into a supermodel. Already she was looking sophisticated enough for a front cover, and they hadn’t even dressed her yet. ‘I’m fine, honestly. Now go away.’

Lily turned to Bel. ‘What do you think?’ she asked, her violet eyes tormented with worry. ‘Should she be doing this?’

Concerned herself, since Josie had suffered two seizures in the past week, Bel said, ‘I think we have to let her make the decisions.’

‘That’s right,’ Josie informed them from under her rollers. ‘I’ve got all my costumes sorted out now, and shoes and hats and belts, so no way am I backing out.’

‘Hold still,’ the make-up artist cautioned, skinny brush poised ready to apply more liner.

Seeing how happy, and apprehensive, and determined Josie was, Bel said to Lily, ‘I guess the best thing we can do now is go and join the others at the tables.’

Lily looked at her mother and broke into an exasperated smile. ‘I don’t know if I love you because you’re stubborn, or because you’re just so damned lovely.’

‘It’ll be all of the above,’ Josie laughed through the side of her mouth. ‘You won’t forget to film it, will you, cos Ryan’ll want to see me strutting my stuff?’

‘Kristina’s brought a proper camera,’ Bel told her, ‘so we don’t have to rely on our phones.’

Josie’s eyes shone.

‘OK,’ Lily said, attempting to hug her, ‘I’d say break a leg if I weren’t afraid you might act on it, so go for it, best mummy in the world. I already know you’ll look fabulous and we’re all going to be dead proud of you.’

‘She’s the star of the show,’ Kelly, her ex-chemo mate and fellow model, called out. ‘You wait till you see some of her frocks.’

‘Yours are fantastic too,’ Josie shouted back. ‘And you’ve got all the moves, not like me, but I’m doing my best.’

‘You’ll be brilliant,’ Bel assured her, speaking in unison with the stylist who was circling around with last-minute notes.

Laughing, Bel said, ‘I rest my case,’ and squeezing Josie’s hand she was about to pull away when Josie tugged her in closer.

‘You won’t go saying anything to Jeff about his surprise, will you?’ she whispered.

‘Of course not,’ Bel assured her, ‘but it’s not happening today, is it?’

‘Oh no, definitely not, but I thought I might tell him about it later, when we’re on our way home.’

Though Bel wasn’t convinced the surprise was a great idea, she understood where Josie was coming from, so all she said was, ‘Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me,’ and giving Josie’s movie-star reflection a wink in the mirror, she linked Lily’s arm to steer her through the crowds to a door marked Exit.

Moments later they were in the opulent ballroom of the Grosvenor House Hotel, where dozens of large round tables were set out around a twenty-metre-long catwalk, and enormous video screens had been installed behind the stage. The noise was every bit as cacophonous out here, with models’ families and friends, corporate and celebrity sponsors, the hierarchy of Breast Cancer Care, and journalists from all over having turned up to support this very special event.

By now the meal had already been served, so most were on their coffee and petits fours, apart from Eileen and Carly who were only just getting started on their dark chocolate mousse desserts.

‘Haven’t you finished yet, Nan?’ Lily scoffed, taking her place between Bel and Eileen. Since their table was right at the end of the catwalk, they couldn’t have asked for a better view.

‘They’ve been going round getting their photos taken with celebrities,’ Kristina whispered to Bel.

Unsurprised, Bel laughed. They had a right to enjoy themselves, and if a celebrity didn’t want to be photographed he or she could always say no.

‘How’s she getting on back there?’ Jeff wanted to know. ‘She was that nervous when we got up this morning,’ he told Miriam, who was sitting next to him.

‘She’s doing great,’ Bel assured him, ‘and she’s going to look sensational.’

Though he nodded, showing it was the answer he’d hoped for, he still looked strained.

‘Honest, Dad, she’ll be fine,’ Lily called across to him, making Bel smile at the way she was bolstering him, when only moments ago she was the one who’d needed the reassurance. Bel remembered only too well how she and Nick had tossed that ball between them when Talia was here; she knew how vital it was to try and keep it in the air.

‘Have you had a gander at what’s in these goody bags?’ Eileen demanded of Lily. ‘Bloody lovely stuff it is, all sorts of make-up and chocolates and shower gel and tokens for health spas; there’s even a book by some author I’ve never heard of, but Carly reckons she has.’

‘Oh, yeah, I read her all the time,’ Carly piped up. ‘You wouldn’t,’ she told Eileen, ‘because you don’t ever read.’

‘I might now I’ve got a book,’ Eileen retorted. ‘This mousse is bloody delish, innit? You’ve done us right proud here, Bel my girl. Never been anywhere like this in our lives, have we, Carl, and now here we are, hobnobbing with the rich and famous, drinking champagne, and my girl’s only going to be up there putting on a show. I hope she remembers to give her old mum a wave when she passes.’

‘Don’t bank on it,’ Lily told her. ‘And whatever you do, don’t call out to her. You’ll only show yourself up and put her off her moves.’

‘What do you take me for?’ Eileen protested. ‘I know how to behave meself, you wait and see.’

Catching Lily’s sceptical eye, Bel had to laugh. Though neither Josie nor Jeff had been wild about Eileen coming today, no one had had the heart to tell her she couldn’t, and Bel was glad about that. She was Josie’s mother, after all, so it was only right she should be a part of this special day, and if anyone had a problem with how raucous she could be, as far as Bel was concerned it was theirs to deal with. Unless, of course, Eileen got completely out of hand, but now the alcohol had run out there was hopefully far less chance of that.

‘What happened to your doctor friend?’ Richard asked Bel. ‘Couldn’t he get away in the end?’

Remembering that Richard had been at the table when it was suggested that Harry might like to join them, Bel felt her heart twisting as she said, ‘He’s always very busy.’

Richard nodded knowingly. ‘Shame, he was a nice chap. I’d like to have seen him again.’

‘And very good-looking,’ Miriam added, as if Bel might have forgotten.

‘Bloody drop-dead if you ask me,’ Eileen put in passionately. ‘I told him he could examine my . . .’

‘Nan, no,’ Lily cried, clapping a hand over Eileen’s mouth. ‘Totally inappropriate, especially given where we are.’

Eileen looked puzzled. ‘What do you mean, where we are?’

‘This event is to raise money for Breast Cancer Care,’ Lily reminded her in a heated whisper, ‘so it’s not on to make light of what Harry does, when some of the women here could be his patients.’

‘You’re too sensitive, that’s your trouble,’ Eileen grumbled. ‘I was only meaning it as a bit of fun.’

‘My point exactly. There’s nothing fun about it, now finish your coffee, the show’s about to start.’

Picking up her empty glass, Eileen said, ‘Do you reckon they’d serve us more vino if we asked?’

‘No,’ Bel said firmly.

‘What is she like?’ Lily muttered.

‘You’re getting yourself too many airs and graces, my girl,’ Eileen told her, ‘but I suppose that’s a good thing, we want you going up in the world. Oh, here we are,’ she declared, as the compère came on to the stage to thunderous applause.

‘Are you OK?’ Kristina whispered to Bel.

Suspecting she was concerned about the mention of Harry, Bel said, ‘Yes, I’m fine. Honestly,’ she added when Kristina didn’t look convinced. Actually, what she was finding far more difficult at the moment was the constant reminder of Talia. However, she wasn’t going to dwell on her own issues on Josie’s big day, and besides, since the chat she’d had with Josie in the churchyard, she hadn’t been feeling quite so down. It was as though putting her past into words, instead of harbouring it like a lead weight inside her, had started to unlock at least some of the angst.

Whether it was temporary, or she really had taken a first step forward, she still didn’t know, but she’d find out over time. Meanwhile, what mattered most of all today was that she held it together for Josie’s family, since she knew from experience how emotional the next hour was going to be.

‘Isn’t he the chap off
The X Factor
?’ Eileen asked Lily, as a young lad came on to sing.

‘That’s what they just said,’ Lily told her. ‘He won a couple of years ago.’

‘I thought he was runner-up.’

‘Does it matter?’

‘Shut up talking,’ Jeff hissed at Eileen.

Poking out her tongue, she reached across the table and seized the rest of his wine.

Catching his eye Bel gave him a smile, and almost received one in return. He was so tense, poor guy. He’d hardly eaten or drunk a thing, and she understood why: he was terrified Josie might have another seizure in the midst of things.

Praying that wasn’t going to happen, she sat back to enjoy the performance, not only from the singer, but from Eileen and Carly who were arm-bopping in their chairs like a couple of teenagers, while Lily hid behind her hand pretending not to know them.

‘Here, have you seen the brochure?’ Eileen demanded, as the applause died down. ‘Our Josie’s only in it! Lovely photo it is too, and have you seen what she wrote?’