Never Say Goodbye (48 page)

‘Of course, but make sure he’s not driving or he might go off the road.’

Laughing, Lily said, ‘We’ll have to get his wedding suit early so he can wear it to the cathedral for my graduation.’

‘Oh, I think we can manage that. I might even treat myself to a new dress for the occasion.’

‘You definitely have to. I’m going to ring off now, but I’ll call again later, OK?’

‘OK. Love you, best and cleverest girl in the world.’

‘Love you too, best and most beautiful mum in the world.’

As Josie rang off, her throat was tight with emotion. What she wouldn’t give to have some good news about her boy.

Though Nick was looking as exhausted and unkempt as Bel had ever seen him, she could sense the first stirrings of hope and relief starting to lighten his despair as he listened to what she was saying.

By the time she’d finished he was close to smiling, though still appearing cautious. ‘Do you think you can do that?’ he asked. ‘I know it hasn’t been easy . . .’

‘I’m willing to give it a try,’ she assured him.

He sat back, almost as though he couldn’t believe this was happening. ‘I think it’s a great idea,’ he told her. ‘I’m sure she’ll go for it.’

‘I am too, provided you can convince her that you don’t have feelings for me.’

He nodded and looked embarrassed as he pulled a hand over his unshaven chin. ‘I guess I’ve misunderstood a lot of things,’ he confessed, ‘or tried to make something out of nothing. Not nothing, exactly, but you know what I mean. I’ve been very mixed up, worse than I realised, but I think the counselling is helping. And now this . . .’

So he was seeing someone.

‘I had no idea what she’d come here to talk about,’ he murmured. ‘She never said a word when I saw her.’

‘I know you’re in love with her,’ Bel said, ‘and I’m sorry I couldn’t accept it.’

His eyes searched hers, as though needing to be certain she meant it. ‘Will you say that to her?’ he asked.

‘Of course.’

He smiled, and had to swallow a lump in his throat as he said, ‘Thank you.’

Touched by how emotional this was making him, and still fighting the loyalty to Talia that was making her want to pull back, Bel steeled herself to continue. ‘You won’t be able to bring the children here quite so often,’ she told him, ‘or when you do you should all come. No more escaping for weekends, that’s just running away, we need to work on this together.’

‘Of course, and we will.’

His eagerness was so moving, it reminded her of Oscar. ‘Do you mind about Sydney?’ she asked.

He shook his head. ‘This is a much better solution.’

Getting up from the table she went to put her glass in the sink. She could ask why he’d told Kristina about her past, but she’d already decided she wouldn’t. It wouldn’t change anything, nor would it help them to go forward.

‘I’ll say goodnight now, and leave you to call Kristina,’ she said. ‘You know where everything is, and if you decide to stay over the bed’s already made up.’

‘Thanks, I think I will,’ he replied. ‘Is there a time that suits you for us all to get together?’

‘Any time will work for me,’ she assured him.

As she took herself upstairs, stopping at the children’s rooms to make sure they were sleeping, she was experiencing an unsettling mix of relief and profound unhappiness. Of course, she knew why there was so much sadness in her heart, and knew too that it would never go until she confronted it, but she wasn’t ready to do that tonight.

‘So when will you be ready?’ Talia asked.

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Remember what Josie said about courage?’

How could she forget, it had barely left her mind, but she hadn’t heard from him since the day he’d come to check on her after Josie’s news.

‘You surely can’t be surprised by that. He did it out of kindness, a genuine concern, and you ended up blocking him in a way that was almost cold. Think of how vulnerable he’s feeling right now. His marriage is over, he’s having to move out of the home he shares with his children . . . All he wants is a friend, someone who’s not a part of his past, and think how good that would be for you too.’

It was just after nine when she finally made herself dial his number.

‘Bel,’ he declared, sounding surprised. ‘What a coincidence, I was just thinking about you.’

‘Oh, only good things I hope,’ she countered.

‘Actually I’ve just exchanged on the apartment today. Or I should say, my mother has with me as her proxy.’

‘That’s good. I’m glad it’s working out.’

‘Yes, I guess it seems to be.’

There was an awkward silence until they spoke at once.

‘You first,’ she insisted.

‘I was wondering how Josie is,’ he told her. ‘Have you seen her recently?’

‘Actually, I was with her today. She was weak after the chemo, but determined not to show it.’

‘And how are
you
coping?’

Feeling guilty for even being a concern, she said, ‘Much better than I expected. She’s a wonderful person to be around.’

‘I imagine she probably says the same about you.’

Bel smiled at the compliment. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised, she never has a bad word to say about anyone.’

‘Are you still thinking of taking her on the Pink Ribbonwalk?’

‘She’s insisting on going, even if she only manages the first mile. Her daughter’s future mother-in-law is going to be on hand to take care of her if need be, while Lily, the daughter, and I cover the ten miles in her honour. Will you be there, with The Medics?’

‘I shall. My cousins Sameena, Joel and Ozzie, whom you’ve met, are all doing the walk.’

‘And your wife?’

‘No, she’s pulled out this year.’

‘I see.’ She wondered how hurt he was by that.

‘Were you ringing for anything in particular?’ he prompted.

She took a breath.

‘Say it,’ Talia urged. ‘It’s not difficult. Just speak the words out loud.’

‘I was wondering,’ she said, digging her nails into her palm, ‘if you might be free for a drink one evening next week.’

With no hesitation, only surprise and pleasure, he said, ‘Of course. I don’t have anything on apart from Thursday when I’ll be taking the boys to football, so whenever suits you.’

‘OK, shall we say Friday?’ she suggested, reminding herself that it was nothing more than two friends catching up over a glass of wine. All very normal, it was happening all the time. ‘We can meet at the Grape Escape again, if you like.’

‘Fantastic. Would seven thirty be good for you?’

‘Seven thirty it is.’

You see, it wasn’t so difficult, was it?
she asked herself as she rang off, and it wasn’t until she’d finally emerged from the relief and satisfaction of doing it that she realised she hadn’t attributed the words to Talia.

AT LAST THE
chemo was over. They had started her on radiotherapy now, targeting the place in her spine that the cancer had reached to help reduce the pain and stop it from fracturing. She was terrified it was going to end up crippling her. Sometimes, in the black of night when the fear really took hold, she wanted to scream and scream and crawl out of her horribly diseased body to get away from it all, but that would be the same as dying and she wasn’t ready for that yet.

Not by a long shot.

There were all kinds of things she wanted to do before that happened – and drugs they could give her to keep her going. She was reading a lot more of the information she’d been given now, which she hadn’t before, and following various forum threads on the BCC website, so she wasn’t feeling quite so alone. It turned out people could survive a very long time with secondary breast cancer in the bones, so she had no need to be pessimistic; and the way everyone was doing their best to be helpful was just lovely. Of course they all thought she was getting better; her mother had even thrown a party at the pub to mark the end of the chemo, and the amount of cards she’d received wishing her well! It was like Christmas in their living room. People could be so kind, she’d discovered, especially with some of the things they wrote – and stunningly stupid too, the way a couple of her neighbours would cross the street to avoid having to speak to her, probably because they didn’t know what to say, while others blurted out things about someone they knew who’d been diagnosed one day and were dead inside a week.

Really cheerful that, thanks for sharing!

What had touched her deeply was how many people had signed up for the Pink Ribbonwalk back in May and trudged ten miles in her honour. Lily had been behind it all, knocking on doors, making calls, and getting the neighbours out for training. She and Bel had ended up with about twenty women from around the estate on their team, and almost as many young students from UWE. What a day it had been, up there at Blenheim Palace with Mr Beck and his band playing everyone off at the start, and Miriam, Jasper’s mother, waiting with the car at the first rest stop to bring her back. She’d have dearly loved to go all the way round, not only to see more of the beautiful grounds with all their lakes and pastures and history, but because the women who’d come from all over the country, a lot of whom were in the same boat as her, had turned out to be so friendly. Kelly had been there, the girl she’d met during the early days of chemo. How lovely it had been to see her again, and to find out that she was in remission. It had really touched Josie’s heart to see how happy she was.

While the walk was under way Josie had spent a magical hour touring the palace with Miriam, who’d told her about the Dukes of Marlborough and Winston Churchill, and all sorts of shenanigans that had gone on there over the years.

What a wonderful woman Miriam was with her sparkly green eyes, smart salt-and-pepper hair and wicked sense of humour. They’d attracted some very stern looks from a couple of the stewards as they burst into giggles at a portrait of some sorry soul with a head too big for his body, and a bedside implement that Miriam had decided was an early sex toy.

By the time the walkers returned to base camp, played in by The Medics, Josie had rested for an hour in Bel’s car, so she was able to join ‘Team Josie’ as Lily had named it, for a picnic on the grass. With so many stalls serving drinks and food it didn’t matter that they hadn’t brought anything with them, there were more than enough burgers, hot dogs, chips and Pimm’s to go round. For Josie, two of the abiding memories from that day would be having her picture taken with Kelly and one of the professionals from
Strictly Come Dancing
, who’d dropped in to cheer everyone on. And watching Lily and Bel start off the impromptu dancing when all the walkers were back. It had done her heart so much good that she’d summoned the energy to join them, and before they knew it a hundred or more women were on their feet bopping and boogieing to Mr Beck’s swing jazz band. What a wonderful day, and how blessed she’d felt to know Bel, because without her she’d never have been a part of it.

And now here she was, in St Mark’s church on the hill overlooking Temple Bay, watching Lily and Jasper, still flushed from the heady triumph of their graduation ceremony at Bristol Cathedral, tying the knot to become husband and wife. If it were possible to feel any happier, or prouder –
her girl had a first in history and politics and was marrying a wonderful lad who adored her
– she truly didn’t know how. There was no fear hanging about her today, only the joy of being there for the most important event of Lily’s life. Mr Beck had promised she’d make it, and she had. What she’d never have expected was that he’d be a part of it too: though he wasn’t in the church, he was coming to the reception later. Fancy that, Mr Beck at Lily’s wedding. She could only wish that he and Bel had managed to get beyond being friends by now, but as it seemed to suit them the way they were who was Josie Clark to start telling them to get a move on?

‘I, Jasper,’ her almost new son-in-law was saying, ‘take you, Lily, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health . . .’

Feeling Jeff’s hand reach for hers, Josie smiled secretly to herself as a huge surge of love laid claim to her heart. The daft old thing had cried when he’d seen Lily in her dress earlier, and when he’d said he wished Ryan could be there, Josie had had to get out a hankie too. If only her letter to the prison had received a more positive response, but she hadn’t really expected them to let him out for the day, she’d just had to try. Poor love, sitting there all alone today with no visitors and wishing he could be here for Lily. She hoped Chaplain Paul was with him; he’d said he would be and she had no reason to doubt him.

She’d never heard another word from Debbie Prince who’d no doubt forgotten all about her by now, or was still having a laugh at her expense. Though Josie tried never to think badly of anyone these days, she didn’t mind making an exception for the Princes.

‘In the presence of God,’ the vicar was saying, ‘and before this congregation, Lily and Jasper have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other. They have declared their marriage by the joining of hands, and by the giving and receiving of rings. I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.’

‘That was us once,’ Jeff whispered, tightening his hold on her hand, as Jasper and Lily turned to each other.

As Josie’s heart swelled she couldn’t avoid the spike of reality that was trying to make the joy bleed. The cancer had spread again, to her ribs, upper arm and breast bone. Bel knew, but no one else. There would be time for that after the wedding; she wasn’t going to spoil anything for anyone now, least of all Jeff and her beloved girl.

‘Twenty-two years ago come next month,’ she whispered in Jeff’s ear, finding it hard to believe that so much time had gone by.

Bel had organised for them to go up in a hot-air balloon as an anniversary treat which they were both really looking forward to, though feeling the way she did today, so full of happiness and goodwill towards the world (except Debbie Prince), Josie didn’t think she’d need any help flying.