Never Say Goodbye (56 page)

What a lovely bunch of people they were, so kind and thoughtful – it was always a pleasure to see them. They never seemed to mind taking the time to explain about the treatment they were giving her, although she had to admit she didn’t listen all that closely. As long as she wasn’t in any pain, or making a nuisance of herself with fits and the like, she was happy to let all the medical jargon wash over her. It was enough for her to know she was in good hands, and she didn’t doubt that for a minute.

She’d just finished five sessions of radiotherapy in as many days, so she was quite tired today. Her back ached, so did her head, but on the whole she wasn’t as bad as she’d been expecting, and luckily not nearly as down as she’d been yesterday.

She was finding that the panic came and went, a bit like the pain. While steroids and radio got rid of one, she had to rely on herself to deal with the other, and though she wasn’t always up to beating it she never stopped trying. She didn’t want to be someone who went out screaming, scaring her loved ones half out of their wits and leaving them feeling even more traumatised than they already were. She wanted to go quietly, preferably at home, but if it all got too much for Jeff she was OK about going to the hospice. They’d gone for a look round the other day and it was really quite nice.

It was all very well people taking care of her, and she was glad of it, but what she wanted to know was who was going to take care of Jeff after she’d gone? Where would he go, what would he do if they took this house away? Chances were they would, because without her benefits boosting their income he wouldn’t be able to afford the bedroom tax so everything in his life would change, and she could hardly bear to think of him having to set up home on his own. Of course Lily would help, but if they put him in one of the high-rise flats on the north side it would likely be the end of him.

‘You have to stop getting yourself in a state over me,’ he kept telling her. ‘I’ll manage, all right? I’m not an invalid and work’s picking up, so for all we know I might be able to afford the tax.’

‘But even if you can, who’s going to cook and clean for you, make sure your clothes are washed and ironed, go to the supermarket, the . . .’

‘Josie, you’re not doing yourself any good.’

‘But you’ve never done any of it, and you’ll be too tired if you’ve been at work all day.’

‘Then I’ll get myself a butler,’ he decided, and that was when she had to laugh.

The other thing that was tearing her up, apart from having no chance of seeing her grandchild, which was breaking her heart over and over, was the fact that she was hardly ever able to make it to the prison now, and she still hadn’t been able to persuade Jeff to go in her place.

‘This is my dying wish,’ she’d cried only yesterday, ‘to know that you and Ryan have made up. How can you deny me that when he’s your own son? You have to forgive him now, Jeff. Please, do it for me.’

‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times,’ he retorted, ‘I am never going to set foot inside a prison.’

‘Then write to him. Let him know that you’ll be there for him when he comes out. It’ll mean the world to him, especially now.’

‘I’ll deal with it when the time comes,’ he replied, ‘so let’s leave it there.’

She ought to put her foot down even harder, she knew that, but she didn’t always have enough fight in her. She’d make him do it though, she really would, even if it was the last thing she did.

Smiling and feeling her heart churn as she recalled the time she’d said that to Bel the day they’d sat together in the churchyard, she considered calling Bel now, just for a chat. Not since Dawnie had she found it so easy to talk to someone, and though she didn’t like to make comparisons, especially when Dawnie and Bel were from such different worlds, she couldn’t imagine Bel ever letting her down the way Dawnie had. If she didn’t want to be forgiven and get back together with Jeff that was one thing, but to ignore the fact that she, Josie, had cancer – she could hardly believe Dawnie would do that.

‘It just goes to show,’ she said to Bel when she got through to her, ‘you never really know someone until the chips are down. Having said that, we still don’t know if I got spammed, so I’m not going to think badly of her. I’m just going to hope she’s happy wherever she is, and that she forgives me for taking Jeff away from her, because that might be the way she sees it.’

‘And only you would ever be that generous,’ Bel said fondly. ‘Whoever, wherever she is, she never deserved a best friend like you, but speaking selfishly, her loss is my gain.’

Josie glowed. ‘Oh go on with you,’ she chuckled, ‘you’ve got far more . . .’

‘Josie, don’t you dare deny being my best friend or I’ll have to come over there and throttle you. True, there aren’t many contenders for the position, but I’ve told you this before, and I’ll tell you again, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me since Talia died. Actually, even before that.’

Though thrilled, Josie couldn’t help wishing Bel was saying that about Harry – or at least someone else she might be falling in love with.

‘It’s funny how different our conversations are now, isn’t it?’ she remarked. ‘Or is it only me who feels that?’

Because she understood, Bel said, ‘Talia used to say they were more honest, because they had to be, so I’m going to be honest with you, Josie . . .’

‘No, before you do that,’ Josie cut in, ‘please let me speak first. I reckon they’ve got it all wrong . . .’ Hearing Jeff’s car pull up outside, she groaned. ‘Jeff’s just come back,’ she said, ‘but that’s OK, because I’d rather see your eyes when I tell you what’s in my mind. I know you’ll think I’m crazy, but I also think you’ll understand. Now I’d better go, because his key’s just gone in the door,’ and clicking off the line, she tilted her head to one side as though she was sleeping.

‘All right, go quietly,’ she heard Jeff whispering. ‘Take your stuff upstairs . . .’

Josie opened her eyes.

‘Hello love,’ Jeff said, coming into the room. ‘Are you all right? I thought you were asleep.’

‘Just dozing,’ she told him.

‘Do you want me to leave you alone?’

‘Don’t be daft. Who’s with you?’

He gave a quick glance over his shoulder. ‘It’s someone to see you,’ he said, turning back. ‘Now, don’t go having a heart attack on me, we’ve got enough problems without that, but anyway, here he is . . .’ and standing aside he left an empty space behind him – until Ryan stepped into it.

Josie gasped and cried, ‘Oh, my love, my boy.’ She was out of her chair, pulling him into her arms. ‘Ryan,’ she sobbed. ‘My baby.’

Wrapping her frailness gently, he said, ‘Mum, you’re going to get through this, OK? You’re not going anywhere yet. The Good Lord already told me so, and if you don’t believe in miracles it’s about time you did.’

She drew back to look at him, her dearest little guinea pig, standing here in her living room, as large as life and twice as bold. ‘I believe in them now,’ she whispered, cupping his face in her hands.

Ryan turned to his father. ‘Come here,’ Jeff growled, and pulled him into a giant bear hug. ‘This is what your mother wants to see,’ he said, and as father and son clung to one another Josie could only laugh through her tears.

‘How can this be? What happened?’ she implored.

Keeping an arm round Ryan’s shoulders, Jeff said, ‘There’s been a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with the lawyers and the cops – I didn’t want to tell you in case it didn’t come good, but it turns out Debbie Prince grassed up her boy. She told them he was the one who’d coshed the bloke, and that our Ryan was only the lookout.’

Josie’s eyes were wide with awe.

‘So they decided,’ Ryan continued, ‘that I’d served enough time for that and so I could be released.’

‘According to the lawyer,’ Jeff added, ‘you being sick was taken into consideration, and so it all went through as quickly as they could make it and I got the call yesterday to say he’d be on his way home today.’

Josie’s hands were pressed to her cheeks. She could hardly believe it, and yet there he was, her precious boy, looking a lot more grown up than he had before he went in, with his rusty beard and beautiful piercing blue eyes. Reaching out her arms, she said, ‘We’ve got a lot to talk about, but right now all I want to do is keep hold of you so I can make myself believe my dreams are really coming true.’

Two days later, with Jeff waiting outside in the car, Josie was in Debbie Prince’s front room, staring at the tattooed woman and thinking of Bel’s mother’s words that everyone had it in them to be an angel. She’d never have imagined one coming from the north side of the estate, much less the notorious Prince family, but it just went to show how wrong she could be.

‘I’ve come to thank you,’ she said softly.

Debbie Prince sucked on her cigarette and regarded her through slit eyes.

‘What made you do it?’ Josie asked.

Debbie Prince started to cough. ‘What do you think? It was you, coming round here with your sob story.’

‘I didn’t think you believed me.’

Debbie shrugged. ‘Yeah, well, I did a bit of asking around and it turns out you was on the level. So I got to thinking and I decided it wasn’t fair for your boy to be taking the rap for what I knew mine had done.’

So she had known. ‘You went to the police?’

‘No, I contacted the law firm you used and they sorted it.’

Josie shook her head in amazement. All this had been happening without her having any idea. Did they owe the lawyers now? It didn’t matter; whatever they had to pay would be worth it, and they’d find it somehow. ‘What’s happening to your son?’ she asked. ‘Have they extended his sentence?’

‘That’s still in the works. There might have to be another trial.’

Though Josie baulked at the thought of Ryan being involved, she simply said, ‘Maybe they’ll decide to leave things as they are.’

Debbie Prince shrugged and coughed again as she ground out her roll-up. ‘The world’s better off with him behind bars,’ she wheezed. ‘He’s an evil little bastard, got no morals, beats up his sisters and me, his own mother, if he don’t get his way. Even his father’s ashamed of him and Bob’s no saint, I can tell you, but he’s never gone round threatening little kids, or thieving from people he knows. The bloke Bob offed was asking for it, but that’s another story.’

Not sure what to say to that, Josie decided it was time to leave. She wasn’t feeling all that special, and the last thing she wanted was to pass out on Debbie Prince’s carpet.

‘Oi, Mrs,’ Debbie Prince shouted, as Josie reached the missing garden gate.

Josie turned round to find her unlikely angel standing in the doorway.

Seeming uncomfortable, Debbie waved a hand as she said, ‘Good luck.’

Josie smiled. ‘Thank you,’ she responded. ‘To you too,’ and feeling perversely sad that she’d probably never see this woman again, she got into the car.

‘All right?’ Jeff asked as they pulled away.

Josie nodded. ‘I’m glad we came.’

‘Did she wonder why Ryan wasn’t with you?’

‘If she did, she didn’t ask. Have you heard from him?’

‘Yeah, he’s back at home now and the news is, he can start college at the beginning of next term. He’ll have to earn while he’s studying, he knows that, but he’s already made an appointment at the jobcentre so at least he’s starting off the right way.’

Thank goodness for that, but Josie couldn’t help worrying how long it would last when one of the biggest losses of Ryan’s life was on such a close horizon. It just about broke her heart to think of him falling apart as he tried to carry on without her.

‘Have faith, Mum,’ he kept saying. ‘You don’t have to listen to what the doctors are saying. God’s in charge, he’s the one you should talk to.’

She didn’t argue, she simply did as he said, because for all she knew he was right, and she wanted to see her boy settled almost as badly as she longed to hold Lily’s baby in her arms and to know that Jeff was going to be all right. She couldn’t go now, she wasn’t ready, none of them were, but how could she make it stop?

‘What are you thinking about?’ Jeff asked as they pulled up outside the house.

Josie shook her head. ‘Oh, nothing,’ she replied dismissively. ‘I think I’ll give Bel a call when we get in, she’ll be waiting to hear how it went with Debbie Prince.’

Bel was wearing a hard hat and goggles as she climbed the scaffold at the back of the barn, when one of the workmen called out that there was someone to see her.

Feeling her heart sink at the prospect of another run-in with the farmer, who seemed bent on interfering with the project, she made her way back to ground level and clicked on her phone as it rang. ‘Hi Josie,’ she said, deciding the farmer could wait. ‘How did it go with Debbie Prince?’

‘OK,’ Josie replied. ‘She’s an oddball, that’s for sure, but as far as I’m concerned she’s definitely one of your mother’s angels.’

Bel smiled, and stepped out of the rain into the shelter of a work tent. ‘Where are you now?’ she asked.

‘We’ve just got home. Our Ryan’s been accepted for college.’

‘That’s marvellous news. I can’t wait to meet him.’

‘He wants to meet you too. He’ll be looking for a job, so if there’s anything going at your barn . . .’

‘I’m sure we can find something . . .’

‘He’s going to be studying in the day,’ she heard Jeff saying.

‘Oh yes,’ Josie responded. ‘Well, it was a thought. I expect he’ll find something in a pub, or maybe Fliss can give him some shifts at the caff if I teach him to cook.’

‘You and your ideas,’ Bel heard Jeff grumble. ‘You’re trying to run the world, when what you ought to be doing is taking care of yourself. That’s what we want to hear, isn’t it Bel, that she’s putting herself first for once.’

‘Absolutely,’ Bel responded, ‘but I’m not sure we’ll have much luck with it.’

‘How’s it going over there?’ Josie asked. ‘I was thinking we might take a drive out to have a look one day next week.’

‘If you’re feeling up to it, you’ll be very welcome,’ Bel assured her. ‘Try to pick a day when it’s dry though, it’s pretty filthy underfoot when it isn’t.’

‘We’re not worried about a bit of mud, are we Jeff? Oh, I think our Lily’s trying to get through so I’d better go.’