Never Meant to Be (8 page)

He waved his hand, stood up, and started to move closer to our table. I could see doom walking towards me. The murmur and chatter of the people around us became mute, and the only thing I could hear was my pounding heart.

As I was sweating with fear, Johnny suddenly grabbed my hand.

“Hey, I know it may sound a little crazy, but I want--”

Before he could finish his sentence, the man arrived.

Aadish entered the scene like a tornado and planted a kiss on my cheek.

Shit
.

Johnny seemed more shocked than me, and he just stared back and forth between Aadish and me.

“Hey, sweetie, what a surprise! I thought you were attending a meeting with clients?”

“Yeah... um ...that got re-rescheduled.”

I tried to be confident and look as if everything was normal, but inside, I was panicking.              
What could I do? What could I say?

Then, out of nowhere, I got an idea. I quickly hatched a plan. Johnny didn't know who Aadish was, and Aadish didn't know who Johnny was. All I had to do was to introduce Johnny as a client I was on a business meeting with, and no one had to learn the relationship between me and Aadish. Moments ago, I had been drifting in my fantasy. Finally, reality had struck.

“Who is he?” Aadish pointed towards Johnny, who was still trying to put things together.

“He--This is Johnny, the other client. We were just discussing our terms. And Jonny, this is Aadish.”

Johnny smiled a little bit. I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I knew that the danger had been averted for the time being.

“That’s it? You're going to introduce me like that? That hurts, Esther.”

Aadish smiled playfully, waiting for me to introduce him as my fiancée. But it was no time to be playful. Johnny was no longer smiling. Instead, he looked even more curious to know who Aadish was.

“She doesn’t like to discuss all these things, but she doesn’t know how much I love her and I can’t wait to marry her.” Aadish sealed my doom.

Thank you for opening your mouth
. I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair.

I saw Johnny’s expression change and I couldn’t bear to look at him, so I looked down to avoid the intense gaze I knew it would pierce me.

“Oh, really?" Johnny's voice contained a mixture of sarcasm and anger.

“By the way, it’s nice to meet you.” Aadish extended his hand for a handshake, but Johnny kept staring at me. Everything became silent as if I was no longer in a restaurant, but instead in a court where I was standing guilty. Aadish's hand was still extended, and the tension was rising. Johnny got up and started to leave.

“Hey, man, are you okay?” Aadish asked, confused.

Johnny pushed him wordlessly as he passed, making him stumble into another table.

“Sorry! Sorry, he slipped.” I quickly apologized to the couple at the nearby table before we caught any more attention.

“Who was he?” Aadish asked me suspiciously, rubbing his hip.

I had no answer. Suddenly, everything had changed.

What was I thinking? Should I have told Johnny?

Chapter Six

The Labyrinth

“Wow. You know, I used to envy Esther for living in the lap of luxury, but now I know that things weren't so easy for her.” Latif put his coffee mug on the table.

“Yeah, who'd have known,” Stella also raised her head from the diary and looked at Latif.

“But you didn’t tell me about the man Johnny was looking for.”

Latif looked back at her and she turned her gaze to the window, frustrated by the non-stop drizzle. She took out another cigarette.

“God! You should really think about quitting smoking. It’s your sixth cigarette, you know.”

Stella didn't seemed interested in listening to Latif's preaching. She lit up the cigarette, took a puff, and inhaled.  Then she turned back to him.

“You remember how Johnny wrote that he met Katherine at her house when he was searching for the mystery man? The man he wanted to kill, the one who sexually abused him? What he didn't mention was meeting Katherine's husband. Maybe, when Johnny described the man to Katherine, she recognized the description,  but didn't give him away because it was her husband. Now this is all just a theory, of course. But if Katherine is right and that man really does work at Esther's company, then he must be in a high post or a shareholder. So Katherine's husband James is definitely a suspect, if you ask me. And I think Katherine is using Johnny to get to Esther.”

Latif was quiet for few seconds, rubbing his thumb on his chin.

“Yeah, you may be right. At least it's more logical than Mr. Brad's plastic surgery. But Johnny didn't know the relationship between Katherine and Esther, right? And I guess Esther didn’t even discuss it with him, because there's no mention of it in the diary. Maybe they'll eventually learn what Katherine is cooking up, or maybe not.”

Stella exhaled slowly, filling the room with smoke.

“But it’s all based on maybes. We have to read to the end to know who it is and what happened to them. I mean, if these diaries even tell us, that is," he tapped on the front cover.

"One thing's for sure: now it’s really becoming interesting.”

***

Esther’s Diary

“But, honey, why do you want a bicycle? We have enough cars and drivers. They can take you to school.”
I remember my mom saying to me while looking through a pile of files.

“Because our gym teacher says it’s good exercise, and everybody is doing it.”
I kept my voice firm so that she wouldn't catch me lying.

“Okay, but you have to promise me to be careful.”

I was lucky she was distracted.

“Okay, mom.”I ran out of the room.

I couldn't believe she had agreed, but then her first priority always was work and the company. Even though I was their daughter, I was always second best.

The next morning, Johnny was waiting for me. I pedaled over to him on my new bicycle. The school was not far away, but that new cycle never reached school. Instead, Johnny and I pedaled it right through traffic.

“Slow down, Johnny! You'll get us killed! Red light! There a red light!” I shouted at him.

But he fearlessly continued, parting through the cars.

“Didn’t your teacher tell you that red lights are for cars and motorbikes?”

“We're in a vehicle too, right?” I retorted.

“No, we're birds, remember? We're outlaws. Now stand up, hold on to my shoulders, and look at the sky. You'll feel like you're flying for real.”

Whenever I was with him, my only job was to obey, whatever he said. And it used to work every time and expose me to a world of new experiences I never had in my sheltered childhood cage. So I lifted my small legs onto the steel side bars. My tie and my school uniform were gliding through the air. As I looked up at the sky, I could see the tall tips of skyscrapers and countless fluffy clouds.

“Faster! Faster Johnny, we have to beat that cloud!”

It was real. I could really feel myself flying, racing with the clouds.

“It’s time, ma’am.”

Mr. Brad woke me out of my memory. I caught myself blushing. It was late. Recent incidents had created waves of instability and lots of paperwork. I still looked out the window ever few minutes in hopes of seeing Johnny. I hadn't seen him for two days since the incident at the restaurant. He was ignoring me, I was sure, but I needed to see him to explain.

I scanned every street and every alley that we passed in the car closely. Finally, I spotted the jacket. I could spot that jacket from miles away.

“Stop the car! Stop the car!” I shouted.

The road was almost empty. Only a few people could be seen as I crossed the street. Johnny saw me, and started to walk quickly in the opposite directly.

“Johnny, stop!”

He froze and turned.

“What the hell do you want from me? Wasn’t using me for information enough for you?” He shouted.

“Using you? Are you crazy? Is that what you think of me?”

“That's what you are.” He turned away.

By this time, I had caught up to him, and I managed to walk along side him, matching his pace. He didn't look at me.

“No, that's
not
me. You know you're something more to me, okay? And I'm sorry. I should have told you about him...”

“But you didn’t, right?” He stopped in his tracks.

“Because it’s not what you think! It’s complicated," I tried to steady my voice."The relationship between me and Aadish is...Let's just say that there are many things in my life that are disappointing, Johnny. There's just so much I want to tell you.”

“Save it.”

“So, what? Now you're leaving me?” My voice sounded weaker than I expected.

“It’s better that way.”              

We looked at each other. I had a thousand things to tell him, and I knew he had thousand more things to say, but we just stood there, letting our fear speak through the silence. He slowly turned and started to walk away. I could feel my heart tearing from the inside. I wanted to scream at him, to scream at the world, but all I could manage was a trembling question.

“Can I tell a story?”

Johnny stopped without turning, so I continued.

“There once were two...There once were two birds. One was used to living in a cage, and the other in the sky." Johnny didn't move. "Of course, there was no chance that these birds would ever meet, because they were from such different worlds. But somehow, one day, they did. And when they did, it was like fire. Their wings burst into warm flames, and there was no denying that they were meant to be together. But there was still something that came between them," I paused. "The only thing that kept them apart was that cage. So one day, both birds worked together and used their beaks to open the lock. They tried and tried and were getting closer, but suddenly, they heard something. The bird from the sky panicked and started to fly away. He got scared, and forgot to even look back at the caged bird who waited alone, hoping he would come and help set her free." 

I had hoped that Johnny would turn, but he just stood there for few more seconds, and then started to walk away.

“You're a coward, you know that? You're a coward!” I shouted in frustration. I hoped to bother him into some reaction, but he didn’t flinch. I just stood there and watch him become consumed by the darkness down the street.

I dragged my feet home, and every breath was bitter. In my mind, that was the worst thing that could have happened to me, but I had no idea what was waiting for me when I arrived home.

The lights were off, which was strange, because my uncle usually watched TV in the evenings. The sound could usually be heard from the door. But that day, everything was silent. There was no TV and no lights, so I quietly and hesitantly opened the door.

Is there a burglar in the house? Is uncle okay
?
What if he needs my help?
All sorts of possibilities ran quickly through my mind as I entered.

My heart was pounding, and the room was dark.

Suddenly, I felt a small, cold piece of metal against my hand. I gasped in fear, but then I realized that it was only a ring. The lights turned on, and I could see Aadish on his knees and my uncle sitting behind him on the sofa.

“Will you marry me?”

What?

I stood there unmoving. It took me few seconds to digest the sudden ambush. Then I focused on Aadish and my heart sank. His words were full of expectation and hope, but I could also see fear in his eyes. I guess it was no surprise that he felt he needed a ring on my finger after what had happened in the restaurant and all that Johnny and I had done together.

“Aadish, I--” Before I could say anything, he interrupted. 

“Look, I know you're going through a lot, and you probably don’t love me as much as I love you. But I swear, I will make you happy. You want to be an artist? Be an artist. I won't stop you. In fact, be anything you like. But please, don’t betray me. Don’t leave me. I have already woven so many dreams with you. My God, you don’t know how much I love you...how much I care about you.”

I looked down at him. I looked at the man who had just poured out his heart to me, and I didn't know what to see. I felt so guilty, so confused. And at the same time, I didn’t feel anything.

“What are you thinking? Damn it, Esther, say yes!” My uncle prompted from behind in his rough voice.

I looked down at Aadish again. He seemed like he was going to die if I said no.

What could I say? My life had never really been in my hands, anyways. So once again, I drifted where it took me.

“Well, you've already put the ring on my finger. And it’s a beautiful ring, Aadish. I guess I don't have much choice other than to say yes.”

Oh, the look on his was worth a picture. How relieved he must have felt. But I...I was burning from the inside.

I went to bathroom and stared at the ring. It looked like a dog collar to me, like a symbol of my domesticity.

“He's the right guy; he's a nice guy...He's the right guy, and he is a nice guy.”  I repeated to myself again and again. They say if you repeat the same thing over and over, you'll start believing it.               Bullshit.

I tried to look confident and sure about what I was doing. But even my reflection in the mirror didn’t seem convinced.

“Fuck. Fuck.” I murmured.

That was the only appropriate word that came to mind. It was so sudden and so swift and it cut me through and I didn’t even got a chance to flinch.

***

The next night, there was a big party at downtown in celebration. In theory, it was a place for us to show off our new engagement, but for me, it was just chaos and noise. The media hovered over my engagement ring, but they had no idea what was actually going on inside me. I stood there with half of my soul. The other half was with Johnny, I was sure. Every time someone congratulated me, I felt like hitting them with a champagne bottle over the head.

What has gotten into me?

From the minute that ring rested around my finger, I was like an over-inflated balloon. I had no idea when I was going to burst. In the office, at home...that ring mocked me every time I looked at it.

The party was as elegant as expected. I looked around. There were women laughing and flirting and some whispering and talking business. Waiters moved around the room, keeping the glasses continuously filled.

That's when I started asking myself:
Is this what I really want? Is this the way I choose to live my whole life?

"Meet Mr. Chao. He's the new investor in dad’s company."

"And this is..."

Aadish was introducing me to some of his coworkers and my only real job was to smile at them. In the past, it wouldn't have been a problem, but that day I wanted to shout with all my lungs.
              I don’t want this!

I had no personal grudges against anybody and I didn’t even know why I was so angry and frustrated.

Is it Johnny?
Just the name made my stomach churn.

But I had to pretend and smile be nice. My whole life had been like this: pretending, waiting and depending on other's decisions...but enough was enough. I had to break out. I had to fight for myself.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.

My blood started to boil inside me, and the sudden rush increased my breathing. I knew that I had reached my limit and if I stayed for one more minute there I would burst, shout, or do something crazy. Before my patience hit the limit I quietly snuck through the party as Aadish was busy talking with another coworker. I couldn’t go out the front gate, so I chose to escape from the back door by crossing the kitchen.

When I reached the door and opened it, I felt a fresh breeze welcome me.

Then I ran.

With each step, the smile on my face widened. I started to feel happy. I don’t know why, but I felt happy. I shouted as I sprinted through the street. My feet were moving \ towards the person who had the other half of my soul. I just had to find Johnny. I had to be honest with him and let out all my frustration and anger, because no matter how hard we may fight, we lit each other like no one else could. I was ready to face his anger, so my feet moved faster and faster.