Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (17 page)

“Have you seen him?” Again, I
didn’t feel the need to mention
his
name.

“Twice. The last time he
wanted to tell me he’d filed for divorce.” I took a moment to contemplate her
words. Last time
I
saw him he was
lying in a drunken heap in the middle of the park in clothes that hadn’t been
washed in days. Hardly in a position to arrange a divorce. “He’s moved on to
the next poor woman – a doctor I believe.”

“Wow,” I muttered
uncomprehendingly.

“I thought about finding her
and warning her, but I just couldn’t face it. I’ve finally got out… I can’t
bring myself to willingly go anywhere near him. I guess that makes me really
selfish.”

“It doesn’t. Not at all. Think
about it – would you have listened if my mom had warned you about him?”

“No,” she admitted after
taking a pause to stare guiltily down at her knees. “No I wouldn’t. I loved
him. He was loving and attentive… I never would’ve believed that he could’ve
been capable of anything less.”

“Drinks service!” Emily sang
merrily on her way into the room, a little louder than necessary to alert us to
her presence I suspected. Emily lowered my and her mug onto the table and then
Marianne did the same with hers and Patricia’s.

We soon settled into
comfortable conversation – mainly about Marianne. We discussed her new
school and new friends, talked about her plans for her fourteenth birthday even
though it was months away, and ended with her giving her thoughts on the UK.
Cold and different cropped up in the middle of that somewhere.

They were already aware of
Chris’ situation seeing as we text a lot and talk on the phone when we can, but
they were both surprised to hear how fast he was going downhill. I didn’t
discuss this morning’s appointment however. Emily needed to be alone when she
heard that news for the first time.

“Shiiiiit,” Marianne muttered
at one point while listening to us talk about Chris. Naturally Patricia’s eyes
flew to her daughter’s and narrowed.

“Marianne!” she scolded,
before turning to me and Emily to apologize.

“No worries. I’m sure she says
a lot worse when you’re not around,” I teased, sticking my tongue out at
Marianne. I could tell by the death glare she gave me if her mom hadn’t been
sitting right next to her she would’ve told me to go fuck myself.

“So,” Patricia began, picking
up her purse from the floor as she started getting ready to leave. “We
originally planned to stay a few weeks, but my department can’t cover me for
that long. We’ll be heading back out Sunday.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling a pang
of disappointment. “Okay. Well Em and I will give you a ride to the airport.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. I want to spend as
much time with Maz as possible – even if she
is
pissed with me right now,” I said jokily, winking at her again.
“And hey, maybe we can come and visit you guys next time?”

“Of course!” Patricia agreed
with a seemingly genuine, delighted smile. “You’re always welcome. You’ll love
Phoenix, and now we have our own house over there we have enough spare rooms to
accommodate you. You’d only need to pay for flights.”

“Sounds good, huh, doll?”

“Definitely,” Emily said with
a fake smile that never reached her eyes. Of course she couldn’t think of
anything beyond Chris right now. Feeling like an insensitive jackass I gave her
an apologetic smile.

“Well, we best be getting
back,” Patricia started.

“Can we hang out tomorrow,
Dexter?” Marianne chipped in.

“You bet,” I answered. “I’ve
got to head into work in the morning but I can pick you up after lunch and
we’ll head out somewhere. You choose.”

“Hmm,” she pondered. “Well I
don’t know anywhere around here but I’m guessing the Brit’s have movie theatres
right?”

“Yeah,” I said, laughing.
“They even have TV’s and cell phones. Can you believe it?”

“Well how was I supposed to
know? Everything’s so weird over here. You know they call an elevator a lift?
What’s that all about?”

“Hey, I never said they don’t
say things stupidly.”

“Oi!” Em interrupted, with a
genuine smile on her face this time.

“Have you heard the way they
say vitamins? Or tomatoes?” I added, making Emily roll her eyes playfully at
me. “And don’t ever tell a British chick you’re bringing her chips, unless you
mean fries. Turns out they don’t take too kindly to that shit,” I teased,
thinking back to Snickers’ tantrum back in Blackpool.

“Noted,” Marianne said,
giggling a little.

With that, Patricia gathered
her coat and draped it over her arm, preparing to leave.

“Let me give you a lift,”
Emily offered, standing up too.

“No, honestly. We’ve taken up
enough of your time today. I have a card in my purse with the number for a
local cab company. If I could just use your phone, I’ll call them.”

“If you’re sure?” Emily didn’t
offer again and I suspected it was because she wanted to talk with me about the
outcome of Chris’ appointment.

“Definitely,” Patricia
reassured.

Emily pointed in the direction
of the phone on the small table by the door, but upon noticing the card in
Patricia’s hand she jumped in before she had a chance to dial.

“Oh no, you don’t want to call
those. They’re a rip off.” Emily headed back to the coffee table and rifled
through the magazines until she found the notebook hidden between them. “Do you
have a pen handy?” Patricia nodded and plucked a pen out of her purse before
passing it to Emily. “Here,” Emily began as she started scribbling some numbers
down. “Call these. They’re much cheaper and friendlier too.”

“Thank you,” Patricia said,
smiling gratefully as she took the small square of paper from Emily.

Their cab took just a few
minutes to arrive, and after another round of hugs and handshaking, Patricia
and Marianne left. The first thing I did after closing the door behind them was
scoop Emily up in my arms and carry her to the couch. After lowering her down
onto it, I settled in beside her and clamped my mouth to hers.

“I love you so much,” I
whispered against her lips. The emotion I felt after leaving the hospital this
morning came bubbling to the surface and I kissed her hard, reminding myself
what I continued to fight for every single day.

“It was bad news, wasn’t it?”
she asked dimly, pulling out of our kiss. Sighing, I sat back a little, keeping
hold of her hand.

“Yes,” I said, nodding slowly.
“The tumor’s spread and they’ve effectively discharged him.”

“Soooo… now we just… wait?”

“Yeah. That’s the impression I
got. He’s under the care of the community nursing team now. They will arrange
to come and see him however frequently he needs and they can administer pain
meds and shit like that.”

“Community nurses? Is that
like what Paula is?”

“I think so. You should call
her. I’m sure she can reassure you better than I can, and that’s what she’s
there for, remember? Not just for Chris but for
you
too.”

“Are my ears burning?” Chris
startled us both. He does that a lot lately.

“I was just telling Em about
your appointment this morning.”

“Do we know how long?” Emily
questioned, tears bobbing on the rims of her eyes.

“We’re talking two or three
months,” Chris confessed dejectedly as he lowered himself into the armchair. Emily
swallowed so forcefully it was audible throughout the room. “It could get bad,
Emmie.
Really
bad.” The bobbing tears
spilled over the edge of Emily’s eyes and I shuffled a little closer to her,
wrapping my arm around her waist. “I’m not saying it to make you cry,” Chris
added, sounding a mixture of guilty and heartbroken. “But you need to know what
might happen.”

“I know,” she said solemnly,
sucking in a stuttering breath. “And you can tell me. I’m okay. Well, I’m
not
okay, but I can handle it. I
promise.”

I stayed silent and let Chris
take the lead. He told her about the possibility of him losing his memory, his
vision, his speech… he told her everything. It was a heart-wrenching scene to
be a part of. Em and Chris held hands the entire time, as if they both knew
they wouldn’t be able to physically feel each other for much longer.

“You won’t be alone. You know
that right?” Emily said, squeezing his hand. For a second I found myself
staring at their entwined hands. Emily’s were soft and pink – a sharp
contrast to Chris’ whose were filled with deep, gray wrinkles. Chris nodded,
forcing a weak smile. “If you’re up to it, I’d like us to have one last good time
together. Like we did in Blackpool.”

Hmm. News to me.

“What are you thinking?” he
asked warily.

“Well… when we got back from
the States I found out The Script were doing a series of small gigs around the
country – kind of like a warm up for their tour. I bought four tickets
and was going to surprise you both… but then you told me about, well you know,
and it suddenly seemed unimportant. I’ve not even thought about it since, but I
was so excited when I booked them. I could
see
us all there having a great time. I want that memory to be a real one.”

“When is it?”

“Next week. Monday. But
listen, it will be loud and crowded and please believe me it is completely fine
if you’re not up to it. I just-”

“Emmie, I want to make happy
memories for you too. Providing I still know who I am on Monday, I’ll be
there.”

“Don’t, Chris. You
will
know who you are. You won’t leave
me until you have to.”

Chris opened his mouth, to
argue I suspected, but closed it again just as quickly, choosing to hug Emily
instead.

“You said you got
four
tickets? Who’s number four?”

“Well originally I got one for
Sarah. I don’t know if she’s a fan of The Script but I didn’t want to leave her
out. But now she’s got my dad soooo…” she trailed off, shrugging.

“I’ll ask her. If not maybe we
can sell it or something.”

“Yeah. I don’t really care to
be honest. I wasn’t planning on even mentioning it to you guys so losing the
cost of one ticket is better than four.”

“You know… I’m not a fan
either, doll.”

“Me neither,” Chris agreed,
raising his hand.

“Whatever. You guys are just
jealous of Danny O’Donoghue’s beautiful face.”

“Yeah,” I said, laughing
softly. “Yeah you got us.”

“Anyway you’re coming because
I
love them and
you
love
me
.”

“We’ll have a great time
whoever’s playing,” Chris said, patting Em’s knee.

“That’s settled then. Eeeeeep!
Danny here I come! Wahooo!”

Wow. Emily was wearing such a
brilliant smile in that moment and it made my heart dance a little faster. She
was so beautifully happy and I made sure to mentally capture the image, committing
it to memory.

I will
never
get tired of loving this girl. She is the reason I’m still
breathing – still fighting. She taught me how to love, how to allow
myself to
be
loved… she taught me how
to
feel
. I owe my whole life to this
beautiful woman and yet I would give it up in a heartbeat to save her.

Emily

The
last few days have
been tough. Chris’ memory slipped again and it lasted longer than the first
episode. This time however it affected his immediate memory, meaning he couldn’t
remember what happened the day before but he still knew who we all were and
what was going on in our lives right now. That in itself was a blessing. I
could cope with that kind of memory loss. He was still ‘him’ if that makes
sense.

The day after that
he had such severe pain radiating from the back of his head and down his spine
we had to call Paula to come and give him something. By the time she arrived he
was literally screaming and fisting the sheets in desperation. Paula gave him a
shot of morphine and it took no longer than a minute to calm him – soothe
him into a restful sleep. She also left behind some Oramorph – an oral
morphine solution designed to be administered either by himself or by us. He’s
needed that several times in the last two days and afterwards he seems
incapable of doing anything but sleep.

And that’s why
I’m no longer getting my hopes up about going to see The Script tomorrow.

Marianne and
Patricia were due at the airport at 10 AM, so Dexter and I dropped them off and
stayed with them until they got to security control. Dexter has been hanging
out with Marianne every day and I’ve enjoyed watching them growing closer. Over
the course of their time here, I began to see how alike they really are. Apart
from the obvious similar shade of hair, they share a lot of the same
mannerisms.

Dexter sticks his
tongue out a little when he’s writing – Marianne does too. Dexter does
this thing when he’s watching TV or chilling out where he circles his thumb
around the tip of his ring finger, and last night while we were all here
watching Criminal Minds and eating pizza, I noticed Marianne does the exact
same thing. Then there’s the way Dexter sucks in his top lip while he’s
thinking… she does that as well!

Dexter was out
picking up some energy drinks for Chris in the hope they’d perk him up a little
more than water, when I heard a knock at the door. I was eating a bagel
smothered in Nutella at the time so I took a final bite, wiped my hands on my
jeans and went to open it.

“Oh my God!” I
squealed, throwing my hand over my mouth when I saw Rachel and Jared right in
front of me. “What are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too, ho.”

“You know I’m
happy to see you! It’s just why didn’t you mention anything when I spoke to you
on the phone yesterday?”

“I wanted to
surprise you. Now are you going to let us in or what?”

“Sorry,” I
muttered, stepping aside.

“Hey, sugar,”
Jared said when he passed me, pausing for a second to give me a peck on the
cheek.

“So when did you
decide to come up here?” I asked, grinning literally from ear to ear.

“Last week. I
called my mum and told her we were coming. We’re staying with my parents this
time. I’ve finished my last exam at Uni so I’ve got spare time on my hands and I
don’t know how easily spontaneous visits like this will be with two babies in
tow, so I thought we should make the most of it.”

“I’m glad you’re
here,” I said earnestly, perching myself on the edge of her knees and hugging
her close.

“How is he?” she
asked gently when I stood up from her knee.

“Real…really…”
Without warning, tears sprang from my eyes. They almost immediately turned to
sobs, rendering me unable to form coherent words. “He’s…he’s…” I choked.

“Oh, Emily,” she
soothed. “Jared. Go and make her a coffee.”

“No problem,” he
agreed, disappearing from the room.

I sat down on the
sofa and Rachel pulled herself over and joined me. She wrapped one arm across
my shoulders and pulled me into her, and for a few minutes I just cried into
her shirt. Eventually my sobs turned to quiet sniffles and I pulled back,
taking hold of her hand and squeezing it.

“I’m sorry,” I
breathed. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Don’t be so
stupid, Em. Don’t ever be sorry for being upset.”

“Honestly, Rach…
I think it’s nearly time. Every hour of every day a little more life seems to
slip away from him.”

“Shit.” Funnily
enough, that was a perfect statement to describe this situation.

“We were supposed
to be going to see The Script at The Ritz tomorrow, but I doubt he’ll be strong
enough to make it.”

“I’d offer to go,
but you know I think Danny O’Donoghue looks like a homeless guy with a fetish
for tight pants and waistcoats,” she teased, making light of the situation. It
made me smile.

Jared came back
in the living room then… empty handed.

“Where the fuck
is our coffee?” Rachel asked him.

“Oh. I didn’t
think you actually wanted me to make coffee.”

“Jared – go
and make coffee. Hmm… sorry what does that translate to in moron language?”

“I thought you
just wanted time to… I don’t know…
bond
or whatever it is your girls do when one of you cries!”

“You’re so cute,
Jared,” I said, smiling.

“Cute? Since when
is idiocy considered cute?” Rachel asked. But then she winked at Jared and the
simple gesture was bursting with adoration.

“About the same
time women with foul mouths and tattoos started being considered attractive,”
he shot back. I could see Rachel gearing up for her comeback when Dexter walked
in.

“Oh,” he said,
his eyes widening in surprise. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Jesus, where’s
the love people?” Rachel said. “Can’t you just be happy to see us?”

“Define happy,”
Dexter teased. “I’ll take these up to Chris,” he added, raising the bag of
energy drinks in his hand.

I nodded and then
he disappeared up the stairs. After updating them about Chris we mainly talked
about the babies. They’re so excited and it’s infectious. Since going home
after Blackpool, Jared has cleared out their spare room and started decorating
it in Disney Princess wallpaper. Jared apparently wanted to hire a decorator
but according to Rachel it’s a ‘daddy’s’ job, and so given the fact Jared has
an inability to say no to her, he’s doing it himself.

Jared’s sister,
Jess, had her baby last week and Rachel showed me all the pictures she’d taken
of him on her phone. He’s a cute little thing and just looking at his tiny
fingers and wrinkly face made my feel all fuzzy inside. Is that what people
class as broody? If so, I might be in trouble when I get my hands on a
real
baby.

Seriously, she is
HUGE right now and I mean that in the most flattering of ways. Her belly covers
most of her thighs, leaving just a small space before her knees. And you can
actually see them moving! When I first saw her after finding out she was
pregnant, the movements were just little ripples under her skin, but now you
can literally see little lumps and bumps sticking out, and if you press firmly
you can feel large, round things that must either be heads or a bums.

It’s seriously
the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

Dexter must’ve
been upstairs with Chris for almost an hour before I heard his footsteps making
their way back down the stairs. I also heard muffled voices as he approached
the room and was surprised to see Chris had come down with him.

“How are you
feeling?” I asked Chris curiously, noticing a hint of colour in his cheeks that
hadn’t been there in weeks.

“Good,” he
answered, nodding. “Really good actually.”

I tried so hard
not to get excited, knowing that this didn’t mean he was making some kind of
miraculous recovery but I couldn’t help it. Even if he just felt good for an
hour I would cherish that time.

“That’s great!
And look who’s here!” I said, nodding my head over to Rachel and Jared.

“Yeah, Dex said
there was trouble waiting for me downstairs.”

“Trouble, eh?”
Rachel chimed. “Which one of us has the criminal record huh, American?”

“Oh how I’ve
missed you, Snickers.”

“Ugh don’t,”
Rachel groaned. “This past few weeks just the thought of chocolate makes me
want to spew my intestines out through my mouth.”

“Oh you really
shouldn’t have said that. Seriously you’ve just made the temptation to go and
grab a Mars Bar from the kitchen way too hard to resist.”

“Don’t mistake me
being pregnant for weakness. I could still make mince of your balls, dickhead.”

“So I was
thinking,” Chris began, squeezing between Rachel and I on the sofa. “I need to
buy a new shirt for tomorrow. Everything I own is drowning me.”

“Tomorrow?” I
repeated. “Chris I don’t think you’re well enough for tomorrow. Forget it, it
doesn’t matter, really.”

“I’ll decide if
I’m well enough, Emmie. I wouldn’t miss tomorrow night for the world. Making
memories, remember?”

“I don’t know,
Chris.”

“I’m still older
than you, which means you have to do as I say. I’ll be fine, Emmie. Sure I
might need to sit at one of the tables rather than shaking my booty by the
stage but I’m not missing it. Besides, I assume Dex won’t be drinking given the
fact he’ll likely go all crazy junkie on our arses again, so he can drive me
home if it gets too much.”

“Man, how I love
the fact my past as an addict amuses you all so much,” Dexter joked, shaking
his head. “But Chris is right, doll. We’ll be with him and we can leave if we
need to.”

“Okay,” I agreed
as a genuine smile crept onto my face. “In that case we’ll go clothes shopping
in the morning.”

“Hell no, Emmie.
Guys don’t
do
clothes shopping. I’ll
nip into Tesco and get something on the way.”

“Well, whatever.
Maybe I’ll still go clothes shopping on my own. I wouldn’t mind something new
to wear too.”

“Something
crotchless,” Dexter whispered into my ear, making me swat his arm and tut at
him. “BDSM huh? I can work with that,” he added with a suggestive grin as he
rubbed the patch of his arm I’d just swiped.

“Mate, you better
not be saying dirty shit to my sister while I’m in the fucking room.”

“Wouldn’t dare,
dude.”

“Whatever,
American. You’ve got ‘I want in your pussy’ written all over your face.”

“God guys! Enough
about my lady bits! I’m right here!” I objected, patting my hands on the side
of my face to try and cool my suddenly flushed cheeks.

“Well my mum’s
expecting us back for tea so we’d best get going,” Rachel said once everyone
had finished laughing at me.
Tossers.
“I
just wanted you to know we were here and we’ll be here for another two weeks so
we’ve got lots of time to catch up. After that… the next time you see me I’ll
probably have a baby in each arm!”

“Wow… how weird
does that sound?” I said. Rachel only has three weeks left before her due date
so she was right. She
will
have had
them by the time I next visit her in London. “I’m so excited!”

“I
would
be excited if I wasn’t too busy
shitting my knickers about how much it’s going to hurt.”

“Don’t worry,
Rach. They have painkillers and stuff, you’ll be fine.”

“God I can’t wait
to see
you
get pregnant, ho. Then
we’ll see if that’s still your opinion.”

“Well you’ll have
a long wait,” I replied resolutely.

“That’s what
I
thought. Turns out withdrawing before
the big finale is worth shit.”

“TMI, Rach!” I
groaned, rolling my eyes and trying to dislodge the image that had burst
unwelcome into my mind.

“Anyway, we
really
have to go now. Jared, call a
taxi yeah?”

“I’ll drive you,”
I offered.

“No you won’t.
Stay here and enjoy your time with these hunky monkeys.” I was about to protest
but she started talking again. “But come and pick me up in the morning. You can
come in for a coffee, show your face to my mum, and then we’ll go shopping for
your new outfit.”

“Sounds like a
plan,” I agreed with a newfound enthusiasm for tomorrow.

We all made
light, idle chitchat until their taxi arrived. It took about ten minutes to get
here and once I’d waved them off, I slumped myself on the sofa next to Chris
and laid down with my head on his knees.

“Why do you think
you’re feeling better?”

“I don’t know but
I’m sure as hell not complaining.”

I snuggled up to
him and I felt something tight wind around my heart. Was this the calm before
the storm? His last burst of energy before his body gave up completely?

“You know if you
don’t feel good tomorrow,
please
tell
me. It’s really not a big deal.”

“I promise to
tell you if you promise not to mention it again. I’ve told you, Emmie –
it’s not just for you. I’m making memories to take with
me
too.”