Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (16 page)

“Okay.”

Chris smiled, but
it was broken by a wince when he tried to sit up straighter and swing his legs
over the edge of the bed. With a heavy heart I looked away from the pain in his
eyes and headed downstairs, fighting the tears the whole way.

Chris

The
next morning I
asked Emmie if she wanted to visit our mother’s grave before my appointment at
the hospital. I’d been putting it off because I didn’t know if she was ready,
but after yesterday I started to think I didn’t have time to wait for her
anymore. I played down my whole ‘memory loss’ episode by joking about it, but
the truth is it scares the shit out of me. I feel like I’ve lost complete
control of my mind as well as my body. What’s next? Am I going to end up a
complete vegetable? The thought terrifies me.

“Chris?” Emily
called up the stairs, pulling me out of my depressing thoughts. “Breakfast is
ready!” Smiling at the chirpy tone of her voice, I finished what I was writing,
and then stuffed the notepad I was holding into my bedside table drawer and
made my way downstairs. I found her in the kitchen, setting a plateful of toast
and scrambled eggs down on the table. “Morning,” she said with a warm smile.

“Life is like a
box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get.”

“Um… why are you
quoting Forrest Gump at me?”

“No reason.
Fitting though don’t you think? You should remember we had this conversation.”

“Okay, you’re
weirding me out. What’s going on? Are you going crazy on me again?”

“No, Emmie. Not
crazy today I promise. So far anyway,” I said, winking at her. She looked at me
dubiously, and then sat down to eat her breakfast opposite me. We ate mostly in
silence, and when we did talk it was just light conversation about the garage.
I think we were both nervous about going to see our mum’s grave. It’s always
been a secret place for me, somewhere I go to escape… and now just knowing that
makes me feel like such a selfish bastard. Where did Emmie get to escape?
Nowhere. She’s felt trapped in a bubble of guilt her whole life, and I feel so
responsible for that.

After finishing
breakfast I got ready quickly, knowing we had to be at the hospital by 10 AM. I
took a shower because I didn’t think I’d be able to pull myself up again if I
sat in the bath. Then I threw on some jeans and a black t-shirt and brushed my
teeth while staring myself down in the mirror.

Every day I start
to recognise myself less. My skin is grey and loose. It looks weathered and
old, and each morning the purple bags under my eyes grow darker. As for the
lack of hair, it still manages to shock me every time I look in a mirror. Since
stopping the chemo it tries to grow back, causing uneven patches to sprout on
different areas of my scalp. It looks ridiculous so I just keep shaving it off.

I looked at the
stranger in the mirror for a few seconds longer. I
look
like I’m dying. There’s no mistaking what’s wrong with me. I
am the man from all the cancer charity adverts. I am the epitome of cancer. I
am
cancer. And cancer is
me.

Stupid fucking
cancer.

**********

“Are you sure you
want to do this?” I doubled checked with Emmie as she pulled up at the
cemetery.

“I
want
to see where she’s buried. I’ve
wanted to since the second I found out. I just didn’t like asking you in case…
well I just didn’t.”

“In case it
brought it home to me that I would be buried under one of those graves soon?”

“Yes,” she
sighed. “Yes I suppose so.”

“Come on,” I
said, breaking the dense atmosphere as I clicked off my seatbelt. Emmie
followed my lead and when she got out of the car she walked around to my side
to meet me. I led her through the graveyard, weaving our way through the
weathered headstones until we reached the one that belonged to our mum. When we
came to a stop beside the burnished black stone, tears leaked from Emmie’s eyes
and she just… stared.

“Are you okay?” I
asked gently.

“I’m not sure,”
she answered, shrugging lightly. “I mean… I didn’t even know her, but I feel
so… so sad. I feel like I miss her.”

“She was your
mum, Emmie. Of course you feel like that.”

“Sometimes I wish
I’d known sooner, but then I think what would that’ve achieved anyway? She
still wouldn’t be here. And… well it would probably have made me resent Jocelyn
even more.”

“You
should’ve
known,” I muttered, shaking my
head. “And I’m so, so sorry I never told you.”

“You don’t need
to be. You were just a kid yourself when it happened. Sure I was angry with you
at first, but then I realised there’s no point. It doesn’t change anything.
Ultimately the decision was Dad’s and you got swept along with it. I don’t
blame you, Chris. I don’t blame anyone. What’s done is done and I’m okay with
it. Or at least I’m starting to be.”

“She’d have been
so proud of you, you know. I know that because
I
am so proud of you.”

“All these other
graves are worn and mouldy, but this one isn’t,” she noted, stroking the glossy
black stone with her fingers. “Who keeps it like this? Dad?”

“Me,” I admitted.
“I only found out where she was buried a few years ago. I made Dad tell me when
he kicked me out – or rather when he stood back and let
her
kick me out. I’ve been coming here
every week ever since. Once a month I bring a bottle of soapy water and a
sponge to wash it down, and some flowers too.”

A current of
guilt surged through me knowing that Emmie had been denied the same privilege.
I’d been visiting Mum for years – sitting with her, talking to her and
hoping somehow she could hear me… and Emmie didn’t even know she ever existed.

“I’ll keep on
doing that when you’re… well you know, not able to anymore.”

It seems so
bizarre to say the thought of dying doesn’t scare me anymore. Of course I don’t
want
to die… but that’s different to
accepting that it’s inevitable. When I first found out I was terrified, angry
and confused. Now I’m ready. Waiting. In fact the only thing that frightens me
is that it won’t come soon enough. Each day the pain intensifies, every hour my
limbs grow weaker and every goddamn minute I become more tired. Exhausted
physically
and
mentally. Drained. Frail.

Ready.

I want to be gone
before I become a burden on my family, and especially before my brain melts
into so much mush I don’t even
know
I’m
being a burden.

“I want to be
buried with her,” I stated. Emmie’s eyes flicked to mine and her jaw dropped
open a little. “We haven’t talked about this stuff yet and we need to. I know
it’s difficult for you, but you should know what I want.”

“No, I know we
do. Just… not here. Tonight. We’ll talk tonight. I suppose I just need to
psyche myself up for that conversation.”

“Sure. Tonight’s fine.”

“We’d best get
going or else we’ll be late for the hospital.” I nodded in agreement, and then
when Emmie bent down and kissed the top of our mum’s headstone, it felt like my
heart was being pulled from my chest. “I’m glad you brought me here.”

“Me too,” I
agreed, my heart swelling with contentment. It felt like the final piece of the
puzzle. I’d now completed everything I needed to do in this life, so all I have
to do now is wait. Emmie started walking back towards the car and I rubbed my
mum’s gravestone before I followed. I didn’t know if it would be the last time
I ever visited this place, so it felt right to say an official goodbye.

“Goodbye, Mum,” I
whispered into the air. “I’ll be with you real soon.”

**********

After my
consultation the doctor ordered me another MRI scan. Emmie was with me, and as
I lay myself down on the board for the scanning machine, she took up a seat at
the other end of the room. Positioning my head in the holder, I stayed
perfectly still as instructed. Then the machine came to life and the sound was
a constant roar in my ears. Soon enough I was trapped – lying in a tight
tube surrounded by suffocating white steel.

Above my head was
a little mirror that reflected the other side of the room, opposite my feet,
and allowed me to see Emmie. I think the purpose of being able to see a loved
one was supposed to be comforting – help alleviate the claustrophobia.
But the pain and fear in her eyes was evident even in the tiny mirror. It
stabbed at my heart, making it pound against my ribs, so selfishly I closed my
eyes so I didn’t have to see her.

The machine
continued to whir and clatter, piercing my eardrums and making me wish I could
raise my hands against the sides of my head.

“You’re doing
well, Christopher,” the radiographer said through the microphone that sounded
above me. “Almost done.”

True to his word,
the board I was lying on started to move just a few seconds later, freeing me
from the oppressive tube. Like always, I stayed still until someone came to get
me, and once the radiographer entered the room he proffered his arm out for me
to use as support while I pulled myself up.

“Okay, according
to your notes you’re back here tomorrow?” he said, his tone indicating that it
was a question.

“Yeah,” I agreed,
nodding. I still had my original appointment only now that was being used to
discuss the results of today’s scan.

“We’ll send these
images off immediately, but for now you can go home.”

“Okay,” I said
wearily. “Thanks.”

Emmie was by my
side and together we walked slowly through the hospital corridors towards the
exit. I would need to sleep as soon as I got home. The walk through the
cemetery this morning had exhausted every muscle in my body. The throb I’d felt
in the back of my head all day had exploded into an all-consuming pain and I
felt violently sick.

“Are you okay?”
Emmie asked.

“Just tired,” I
understated.

“Okay. Let’s get
you home where you can rest.”

Climbing
awkwardly with my long legs into Emmie’s small car, I clicked my seatbelt on
and rested my head against the window. Fuck I was tired. So, so tired.

I’m ready.

Dexter

I
got a call from Marianne this
morning saying she and Patricia had landed at Manchester airport. I knew they
were coming during the summer, but Jeez I thought they’d give me a little more
notice! I can’t say I wasn’t excited about seeing my sister again though, and
under much better circumstances. This time we both knew each other existed and
I wasn’t still coming out of the worst relapse of my life.

“I can pick them up from their
hotel?” Emily offered as I was pulling my boots on to head out with Chris to
the hospital.

“Patricia said they’ll catch a
cab. You stay here and play the good housewife – tidy up a bit, bake some
bread, that kinda shit.” I winked at her and I could practically see her
insides melt.

“Chauvinist much?” she teased.
“I’ve got some work to do at the garage first and we’ve got that guy coming
around about us taking over his fleet.”

“Shit, yeah. I forgot about
that. Will you be okay on your own? I can stop by after Chris’ appointment if
you need me. I’ll put Maz and Patricia off for an hour or two?”

“No, really there’s no need.
I’ll probably be back by then anyway. But in all honesty we really need to
start manning the place for full days. We’re missing out on walk-in
opportunities by closing when there’s nothing booked in.”

“I know, doll. But don’t worry
about it – there’s been so much personal shit going on lately and it’s
hard to juggle the two. But we’ll get there. This is just the beginning,
remember?”

“I know you’re right. I just
want this to be a success. I want to do Chris proud.”

“You already are.” Chris’
voice came from behind, startling us both.

“Bloody hell, Chris, I almost
crapped my knickers!”

“Think of it as practice for
when I come and tease you from the other side.”

“Don’t you
dare.
If there
is
another side don’t even
think
about trying to reach me. I won’t find it comforting, just terrifying.”

“I’ll think about it,” Chris
teased. “But I’ll be listening. So make sure you don’t badmouth me or I’ll take
great pleasure in haunting you!”

“Okay,” I interrupted. “Hate
to break up this sibling squabble thing you’ve got going on, but we’re gonna be
late, man.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chris grumbled.
“I’m ready. Just let me grab my coat.”

Chris disappeared into the
hallway so I used the opportunity to kiss my girl. Taking her face in my hands
I swept my tongue across her lip and moaned into her mouth. I was hard
instantly, and I pushed my hips forward so she could feel how badly she
affected me.

“Down, Percy,” she whispered
into my lips before smiling against them.

“Now who’s holding us up?”
Chris whined in the doorway.

“I’m coming, jackass!” I said,
rolling my eyes. Then I gave Emily one last peck before leaning into her ear.

“Don’t ever forget that I love
you,” I whispered.

“Ditto.”

**********

Naturally because I was
heading out I grabbed the keys for my bike. Almost immediately I had second
thoughts however, unsure of how well Chris’ weakening arms could support
himself on the back. So I swapped them for the van keys and we got going. Chris
struggled hitching his body inside so I supported his arms and gave him a push
up. Yeah, he definitely wouldn’t have made it on my bike.

When we got to the hospital we
were kept waiting for over thirty minutes. Chris sat forward with his elbows on
his knees and his feet tapping against the floor the whole time. Shit these
fucking doctors know how to build up suspense. They’re in the wrong profession
– they should be out there making horror movies.

When we were finally called in
I noticed Chris’ fingers trembling a little. I didn’t know if it was due to
nerves or just another symptom of his body starting to close down. I suspected
it was probably both. As usual, Chris took up the chair on the left nearest the
doctor’s desk, and I took the one on the right. From the second the doctor’s
eyes made contact with Chris’, it was obvious he didn’t have good news. But
then, is there even such a thing as good news in this situation?

“Chris,” he began in a solemn
voice – further indication that this was bad news. “Your tumor has
started to spread. The scan yesterday showed quite a significant spread into
the surrounding brain tissue, and also an indication that it is spreading to
your spinal cord.”

Fuck
. The thing is eating him alive.

“Okay,” Chris said, acting a
hell of a lot calmer than I was feeling. “So what does this mean? What can I
expect from now on?”

“As you know it’s already
started to affect your memory. It is likely that will continue to worsen. Your
vision may also become affected, along with other sensory functions such as
hearing and smell. In fact it’s not uncommon for patients in your situation to
smell burning, or smoke.”

“What about my spine?”

“We’ll keep you as comfortable
as we can with pain relieving drugs. Your Macmillan nurse can provide you with
those at your home.”

“So just pain? It’s not going
to stop me being able to walk or anything?”

“Do you want me to be honest,
Chris?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t think it will get
that far.”

“You mean… I’ll be
dead
before then, right?”

“Yes. Yes I think so. I’m very
sorry.”

While they continued their
conversation I just sat back, swallowing repeatedly and refusing to let myself
blink, knowing if I did, the tears balancing precariously on the edge of my
eyes would fall.

“Am I going to end up a
vegetable?” Chris asked just as I thought we were done here. The doctor sighed,
twiddling with his pen.

“It’s impossible to say.”

“Give it to me straight.
Please, doc.”

“Well,” he began, sucking in a deep
breath. “You
could
lose your sight.
You
could
suffer some kind of
paralysis depending on how fast the cancer travels through your spine. You
could
lose your memory completely, lose
control of your bowels and bladder, or experience a stroke which can cause any
of those symptoms by itself. But you could also carry on just as you are until
the very end. It’s all if’s and maybe’s I’m afraid, Chris. Only time will
tell.”

“Okay. Thank you for your
honesty.”

“I’m sorry I don’t have better
news for you,” the doctor said sincerely, offering his hand for Chris to shake
as we all stood up. “You’re under the care of the community nurses now, but of
course if you or any of your family have any questions or concerns then please,
don’t hesitate to contact us.”

“So that’s it?” I interrupted,
feeling a little baffled. “You’re signing him off now? You’re not going to keep
helping him?”

“There’s nothing left they can
do for me here, Dex,” Chris said, clapping my shoulder. “It’s just a waiting
game now. Right, doc?”

“I’m afraid so. Yes.”

I blew out a breath, feeling
like the wind had been punched from my lungs. Of course I knew this was
inevitable, but to hear they are officially giving up on him – sending
him home to die? Fuck that was hard to hear and even harder to process.

“Thanks, doctor,” Chris said,
effectively ending our time here. “For everything you’ve done for me.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry
things didn’t turn out differently for you.”

“Yeah,” Chris agreed, emotion
making his voice waver. “Me too.”

**********

“I’m so sorry, man,” I
muttered pathetically, starting up the van ready to take us home.

“I knew it was coming,” he
said weakly, shrugging. “I’m ready, Dex. Really I am. The only thing I wish for
now is that death comes before I turn into a fucking cabbage. I don’t want that
– for me
or
for you guys.”

“Whatever happens, we’ll be
right by your side, dude.”

“I wrote a will last week,”
Chris said out of nowhere, changing the subject. I raised my eyebrow and
flashed him a quick glance before fixing my eyes back on the road. “I had a
solicitor come round to the house and draw it up while you and Emmie were at
the garage.”

“Um, okay.” What was I
supposed to say? ‘Hell yeah what am I getting?’

“Our parents set up trust
funds for Emmie and me when we were born… well obviously just my dad did
Emmie’s. Emmie will get hers on her next birthday when she’s twenty-one. As you
know I haven’t had the best relationship with my dad, therefore pride and
stubbornness stopped me touching mine. It’s currently sitting at thirty grand.
That will be transferred to Emmie’s account when I’m gone.

“Obviously the house is
rented, but I’ve spoken with the landlord and he’s up for selling for quite a
reasonable price. That money could set you in good stead for a mortgage if you
guys want something more permanent… or you could throw it into the business… I
don’t care what you guys do with it. I just hope it’ll give your future
together a jump start.”

“Jesus, Chris… I don’t know
what to say.”

“This van is yours too. It’s
all paid for you’ll just need to change the ownership with the DVLA. I don’t
have much else, but if anything crops up I made sure to note that it goes
straight to Emmie.”

“Does Em know about this?”

“No. She’ll find out soon
enough I suppose.”

Wow. Just…wow.

We drove the rest of the way
in silence. Chris kept nodding off but the bumps in the road would cause his
neck to jerk back up. After putting the van in park outside our house, I hopped
out and headed straight to Chris’ side to help him out. He used my shoulder as
support and muttered a ‘thanks, mate’ as he stepped down. I stepped aside so he
could pass me and before I’d even closed the door, someone jumped on my back.

“Dexter!” Marianne sang,
clinging to me like a spider monkey. Then she jumped off my back and I spun
around to face her, smiling in surprise.

“You’re here! I wasn’t
expecting you until later,” I said, bringing her into a hug and squeezing her
tight. It felt so natural to hug her like this… as if she’d
always
been my sister. Which she has of
course, we just didn’t know it.

“Emily picked us up.”

“She did, did she?”

“Yeah. I really like her,” she
continued, pulling out of our hug.

“Me too. She’s kinda special
isn’t she?”

“And beautiful too. I thought
she dyed her hair but she said it’s just naturally that red. I wish my hair was
that color, but mine is boring brown. Like yours.”

“Hey, the brown’s always
worked for me, lil sis. The ladies love it,” I teased, winking at her. “Come
on, kid. Let’s head inside and see your mom.”

“She’s a lot happier these
days,” Marianne said as we made our way down the path leading to the house.

“Have you seen him?” I asked,
knowing I didn’t need to say his name for her to know who I meant. Our father.

“No. I think Mom has but she
won’t tell me. I don’t really want to see him. Mom is so much happier. I get to
go out more. I’ve got friends and am doing great at school.”

“What about
guy
friends?” I teased, nudging her
shoulder as my hand reached out for the front door.

“Maybe.” Bless her. She
shrugged and her face heated to fifty shades of red.

“Well he better treat you right
or he’ll have your big brother to deal with.”

“You live too far away,” she
replied as we stepped into the house.

“Hey, I’m only an airplane
ride away. If anyone ever messes you around, you call me and I’ll be there. Got
it?”

“Got it.” She smiled coyly up
at me and I winked at her again. “Thanks, Dexter.”

All eyes were on us as we
stepped into the living room.

“Dexter,” Patricia cooed,
standing up to great me. She took hold of my hand and pressed it between hers
and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t weird me out a little. I didn’t get the
memo about us becoming best buddies. “It’s so lovely to see you again.”

“And you, Patricia,” I
replied, because really what else could I say?

“I’ll go and make us some more
drinks,” Emily offered, picking up the empty mugs on the coffee table.

“Where’s Chris?” I asked.

“He said hi and took himself
straight to bed. How’d it go at the hospital?”

“We’ll talk about that later.”

“Oh,” she replied, nodding in
understanding. My expression must’ve conveyed that it wasn’t good news. “Right.
Drinks.”

“Hey, Maz, why don’t you go
give Emily a hand.”

“Sure,” she said eagerly.
She’s a great kid.

When they were out of the room
and therefore out of earshot, I turned to Patricia.