Never Knowing (26 page)

Evan was silent for a long moment, then finally said, “Shit. I hate this, Sara.”

“Me too. But can’t you see I didn’t have any other choice?”

“You had another choice—you just didn’t take it. I get why you felt you had to say yes, but I still don’t like it, and I don’t agree with it. If it’s going to happen, then I want to be home. I’ll shut down the lodge if I have to, but I want to ride with the cops when it goes down.”

“I’m sure they won’t have a problem with that.”

We talked for a little while longer. He apologized for accusing me of being reckless, I apologized for calling him names, then we said our good nights. But I don’t think either of us actually had one. I spent hours staring at the ceiling. All I could think about was the campers John had been watching. They didn’t know how close to death they’d come. Then I wondered how close I was.

SESSION FOURTEEN

Right now, I’m a train wreck. The more Evan tries to calm me down, the more upset I get. Then I hate myself, which makes me lose it even more, so Evan tries even harder to calm me down or goes all take-control-alpha-male, so then I turn into an irrational bitch from hell.

But when I finally get a reaction from him, when his face flushes and he raises his voice or walks off,
that’s
when I calm down. Then I look over everything I’d just said or did and feel horribly ashamed, so I suck up, trying to squirm my way out of whatever mess I’d just caused. Thankfully he doesn’t hold a grudge for long and in typical Evan fashion drops it and moves on, but I’m the one who can’t let it go.

This isn’t the first time we’ve talked about my overreactions, and then my overreaction to my overreaction. It’s funny I can even use that term with you, because if anyone else in my life even hints I’m overreacting it’s guaranteed to make me see red. You’ve told me it’s never about the situation at hand—that’s just the switch. It’s the currents between people sparking off each other that cause the problem. You have to deal with the way you’re fighting, not what you’re fighting about. How many times did you try to hammer that into me? You’d think I’d have gotten the hang of it by now, but in the moment? It all goes out the window. At least now I know where I got it from.

*   *   *

After John’s initial excitement about meeting I thought he’d want to set something up right away, but when he called after I got home from our last session he just wanted to talk about Ally. I kept trying to change the subject, but when I mentioned the meeting he said he was still considering how best to go about it, then he brought up Ally again. I hated talking about my daughter with him, hated wondering what he was doing with the information.

Sandy and Billy, who I saw every day once I agreed to meet John, didn’t understand why he was stalling either but agreed it would look odd if I started pushing and said I should let him bring it up. Now that I’d made the decision to meet, I couldn’t wait to get it over with. Especially because it didn’t look like we were going to get him any other way.

He’d called from near Cranbrook, which was a surprise. They’d expected he’d keep heading south, not eight hours east. His next call came from a pay phone even farther east, almost to the Alberta border. I spent hours staring at the map, trying to figure out what he was thinking, why he was heading in the opposite direction.

Every call he wanted to know more and more about Ally, and I was walking a tightrope between truth and lies. I didn’t know how Internet-savvy he was, so on things I thought he could verify, like birth dates or school info, I was careful to tell the truth, but when he asked about her likes and dislikes, I lied my butt off. Ally now hated cheese and red meat, was easygoing, shy with strangers, and terrible at sports. I had to make notes so I wouldn’t forget the details about this new daughter I was creating.

Evan was happy John hadn’t picked a date and was hoping he’d changed his mind—but he didn’t like that John was asking so many questions about Ally either. He again suggested she come up to the lodge with him, but I told him it wouldn’t be good for her—she’d get too far behind in school. Of course, he told me she’d be fine and that I worry too much. But I know my daughter. It doesn’t take much to throw her off. Her teacher’s been all over me since she pushed the other little girl. I don’t know if she’s heard the rumors, but I noticed an extra note of concern in her voice when she spoke about Ally. I didn’t want to give her more fuel.

*   *   *

Finally, Friday night, John called—this time from his cell.

“So how’s Monday?”

“To meet?” My heart started to race. “Okay.”

“I’ve been looking over a map.”

I heard Sandy in my head.
You have to pick the spot. Location is paramount.

“I know the perfect place. It’s one of my favorite parks and I take Ally there all the time.”

“Where’s that?”

“Pipers Lagoon.” I held my breath.
Please, please, say yes.

The police initially chose Bowen Park, but there was an outdoor arts festival. Pipers Lagoon Park was remote enough that there wouldn’t be any crowds, just people out for walks, especially on a weekday. A narrow gravel dike led from the parking lot out to the twenty-acre park with its rock bluffs, arbutus trees, and Garry oaks. The dike was bordered by ocean on each side and lined with park benches, so I’d be able to sit in the open and the police could keep an eye on me from several vantage points. But the best part was that there was only one road in, so they could block John’s escape.

On the phone he said, “Sure, let’s meet there at twelve-thirty.”

I tried to match his enthusiastic tone. “Perfect!” But my stomach climbed into my throat. In three days I was going to be bait for a killer.

Billy called right away to let me know John was still near the Alberta border and that we’d go over everything in the morning. Once I told Evan it was set up he said he was coming home Sunday night. I don’t think Billy really wanted him to ride with them, but I told them I wouldn’t do it if they didn’t allow it. Sandy said as long as Evan understood he wasn’t to interfere, he could sit in the command vehicle.

John called the next morning, Saturday. He was in high spirits, saying how much he was looking forward to meeting me, then asked what I was doing that day. I said I was taking Ally for a walk later.

He said, “It’s nice you spend so much time with her.”

“Life gets in the way sometimes, but I try.”

He was quiet for a moment, so I took advantage of his good mood.

“Did your parents spend time with you?”

“My father worked a lot, but my mom did, until she left.”

“Where’d she go?”

“Don’t know. She left when I was nine. She missed her people, so I think she went back to the reserve.” That was interesting. I wondered if his mother leaving was what started everything.

“That had to be really hard—you must have missed her a lot. Did you ever try to find her?”

“A few times, but no luck.”

“That’s so sad, John.”

“It was tough. But she waited until she knew I was old enough to take care of myself, then one night she was gone.”

“Why didn’t she take you with her?”

“I think she knew if she did, he’d hunt her down.”

“God, I can’t imagine leaving Ally.”

“My dad was a hard man.”

“Did she leave you a note or anything?”

“She left a spirit doll to protect me.” The dolls!

“Like the dolls you gave me?”

“Similar. They’re for protection.” He made dolls from women he killed so he’d have
protection
? Too bad the women didn’t have protection against him.

“What are they protecting you from?”

“The demons.”

Was he into witchcraft? Was that what this was all about?

“Are these First Nations demons?”

His voice wasn’t angry, more bored, when he said, “I’ll tell you another day.”

“Can I ask about your dad? You mentioned before that he was strict.”

“He was a violent drunk. He knocked out my front teeth for telling a joke.”

“No sense of humor, huh?”

John laughed. “You could say that. But he taught me everything I know about guns. When you’re in the woods, though, you can’t just rely on firepower—that’s one thing he never understood. But my mother did. If it wasn’t for her teachings he’d have killed me the first summer.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I turned nine he started taking me up into the woods and leaving me there.”

“Like for an afternoon?”

“Until I found my way home.” He laughed again.

“That’s
horrible
.” My shock was genuine. “You must have been terrified.”

“Being out there was better than being at home with him.” He laughed for the third time and I knew he must be uncomfortable. “I used to stay out for weeks on end. He’d beat me because it took me so long to find my way back, but I could’ve come home sooner. Sometimes I’d be living right on the outskirts of the ranch and he didn’t know. I’d line up his head in my gun’s sights, and
pow
.”

“What stopped you?”

“How’s Ally today?”

Not surprised by the abrupt subject change, I said, “She’s great.”

“Little girls all seem to like Barbie dolls, so I was going to—”

“Ally doesn’t like Barbies.” Last thing I wanted was for him to send another doll. “She’s more into bugs and science stuff.” Ally would own every Barbie in the world if she could, and if I ever gave her a science kit she’d probably burn down the house.

He said, “Better get going. I have some packing to do.” He paused, then said, “I’m really looking forward to this.”

“It’s going to be awesome.”

“I’ll call you soon.” I was about to hang up when he said, “Wait, I got a joke for you. You’ll like this one.”

“Sure.”

“One man says to another man, ‘Did you ever hunt bear?’ and the other man says, ‘No, but I went fishing in my shorts.’” He laughed loudly.

I said, “That’s a good one,” and forced a laugh.

“Tell Ally.” His voice was excited. “She’ll love it.”

You have no idea what my daughter would love.

“Sure, she’ll crack up.”

*   *   *

Sandy called as soon as I hung up and her excitement radiated through the phone so strongly I wanted to hold the receiver away from my ear. They thought he was traveling west along the border—toward Vancouver. Even though he’d talked longer, the signal connected with a tower in Washington State and threw them off his trail. They wanted to meet me at Pipers Lagoon so we could walk the area and make sure we were all on the same page. I dropped Ally off at a friend’s and headed over to the park.

Dressed in blue jeans and with her perpetual windblown appearance, Sandy looked like she was in her element. Billy was wearing a baseball cap pulled low, a windbreaker, and dark denim jeans with hiking boots, which gave him a rugged look that wasn’t wasted on a couple of women who checked him out as they walked by. He and Sandy scoured the area for the best vantage points. We decided which bench I should sit at and they pointed out a few locations where they’d have undercover officers.

Sandy wanted Billy stationed in the parking lot, but he said, “I worked out a plan last night. I think we need to take him down
before
he gets to the parking lot. ‘On enclosed terrain, if we occupy it first, we must block it, and wait for the enemy.’ We can put a car at the base of the hill and one at the top where—”

“I don’t have time for one of your quotes,” Sandy said. “I want him in the parking lot when we arrest him. I’m not losing him into one of the driveways bordering the road.”

“Understood, but I just think—”

“I don’t like it.” She walked away with her cell to her ear.

I’d have told her off, but Billy just stared after her for a moment. If it wasn’t for the red wave crawling up his neck, I wouldn’t have known he was even pissed.

I said, “See, her attitude sucks.”

He smiled. “Come on. Let’s walk the route again.”

*   *   *

The rest of the weekend I never heard from John once, which was terrifying because I had no idea how close he was. If he kept driving after his last call he could already be on the island. And if that wasn’t stressful enough, we don’t know
how
he might come over—there are two ferry terminals in Vancouver, but he could also take the ferry from Washington to Victoria, then drive up the island to Nanaimo. I was driving myself crazy imagining every possible scenario, wondering where he was every minute. Thank God Evan came home on Sunday. I’d cleaned the house from top to bottom that morning, then made him chicken cordon bleu in an effort to keep myself sane, or at least busy. But neither of us could eat much. After dinner Evan called Billy and asked how the meeting was going to go down. His tone was polite as they talked, but his expression told me he wasn’t happy about the conversation.

Later we snuggled on the couch. Evan was quiet while I babbled about Moose’s new organic food, my suspicion that one of our neighbors is growing pot, what to do with Ally this summer—everything and anything to stop myself from thinking about what was going to happen the next day. When I finally paused for breath he pulled me in tight against him.

“Sara.”

“Hmm?”

“You know how much I love you, right?”

I turned to him. “You think something’s going to happen to me tomorrow!”

He didn’t meet my eyes. “I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s what you’re thinking.”

This time he looked at me, his face serious. “You sure you don’t want to call this thing off?”

“Nope, tomorrow they’re going to arrest John and he’ll be out of our lives once and for all.” I tried for a big smile, tried to believe what I was saying.

“This isn’t funny, Sara.”

My smile faded. “I know.”

*   *   *

That night in bed we held each other close as we went over everything again. Finally we fell asleep, but I dreamed I was being hauled away to prison. Ally cried through the glass and Evan came and visited me with Melanie—his new wife. I woke up at five-fifteen a.m., glanced at the clock, then stared at Evan’s sleeping form, thinking for the hundredth time,
Am I doing the right thing?