Never Knowing (27 page)

*   *   *

The next morning Evan made pancakes. We were joking around with Ally while Moose grunted and snorted his way through his own plateful, but Evan and I kept meeting eyes over our coffees, and I checked my cell phone over and over. Was John already on the island? Was he close? Did he know my address? What if he showed up here? I checked the alarm and caught Evan rechecking it.

After we dropped Ally off at school, where a patrol car would be parked outside all day, we headed to the police station. Evan waited while they fitted me with a wire device. I was to drive down to the park, walk to the bench, sit, and wait. Evan was to go with the police in the main vehicle so John wouldn’t see us together. If for some reason he did get close, I was to make sure I didn’t go near any car, mine or his, and to keep lots of space between our bodies. All these commands were couched as cautions and followed by “if you still want to go through with this.” The message was clear: if the shit hit the fan and I got hurt, the police wanted it known I was doing this of my own free will.

Once I got to Pipers Lagoon, Sandy would park down the road in the command unit with Evan. Billy would be one of the undercover agents acting as workmen installing new signs in the parking lot. Other police officers would be scattered around as dog walkers and birders. One female officer was going to push an empty stroller with a strategically placed blanket and another was stationed on the hill above my bench, sketching the ocean. I was relieved they were bringing in so many members—they weren’t taking any chances. But I was.

*   *   *

About half an hour before I was supposed to meet John I left the station. On the way there the sun broke through the clouds, bouncing off cars and shining into my eyes. My head started to pound and I realized I hadn’t taken my pill that morning. I reached into my purse and hunted for an ibuprofen, but the bottle was empty. Perfect.

The closer I got to Pipers Lagoon, the more my heart climbed into my throat. Why had I ever agreed to this? My mind was filled with images of all the things that could go wrong: John grabs a hostage. John grabs me. Evan jumps out to help and gets shot. The urge to call everything off was huge.

I parked and looked around at the other vehicles. No trucks. What if he’d rented a car? I didn’t see any license plates for a rental company. I wiped my sweaty palms on my legs.
Okay. All I have to do is get out and walk to the bench
.

I took a deep breath, climbed out of the Cherokee, and started along the graveled path, holding my coat tight as the wind off the ocean grabbed at it. For a moment I panicked when a young couple hovered near the bench I was supposed to sit at. Thankfully, they moved on.

As I waited, my head started to pound harder and my eyes began to water. My migraine was coming in fast. I glanced at my watch, then looked around the parking lot again.

Twelve-thirty arrived, but no sign of John. I watched every vehicle that pulled in. The wind whipped my hair around, obscuring my vision. I pushed it back. A man got out of a small car. I held my breath. He stood for a moment and glanced around, then took off his baseball cap. I caught a flash of reddish hair.
Oh, God, it was him.
He closed his car door and started walking down the path. Where were the police? They were supposed to grab him right away.

Closer, closer, closer.

Finally the man was close enough for me to see his face. He was too young. I let out my breath. He gave me an odd look as he passed by. I focused back on the parking lot. Had I missed someone? No new vehicles. I checked my watch. Another five minutes had passed. Where was he?

My heart was beating so fast I was worried something was wrong, but I put it down to nerves. Even though it was sunny, the wind was cold and my body felt like it had been dipped in ice. I shuffled my legs back and forth and tucked my hands into my armpits.

Another ten minutes passed. Still nothing. I took the cell phone out of my pocket and dialed the last number John had called me from. No answer. What was going on? Was he even on the island?

I stood up and looked around. The female policeman on the rocks above me was sketching and gazing out at the ocean. I sat down, feeling my head spin as the migraine clenched at the base of my neck. I looked at my watch again: a half hour after our meeting time. I was still considering what to do when the cell in my pocket rang.

I picked it up and flipped it open. I didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Are you there?”

“John, I was starting to wonder. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know, Sara, you tell me.” Dread oozed over me.

“What’s going on? I’m waiting for you like we agreed.”

“You seem to have a problem telling the truth.”

I glanced around. Was he watching me? Was anyone watching me? A shiver slid down my spine.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, John.”

“You haven’t been telling me the truth about Ally.” My mind scrambled over everything I’d told him. What could he have possibly found out?

I said, “I’ve always tried to be as truthful as possible.”

He chanted, “Ally loves Barbies. Ally’s good at sports. Ally doesn’t like science.”

I sucked in my breath. “Have you been watching me?”

“You lied.”

I was scared, but I was also angry. “Ally is my daughter, John. My job is to protect her. You shouldn’t have been asking those questions.”

“I can ask whatever questions I want.”

Get a grip, Sara. Remember who you’re talking to.

“Let’s both calm down and start over, okay?”

“It’s too late.”

“It’s never too late with family—that’s what being a family is about.”

He was silent.

My heart was going nuts. I pressed my hand against it.

Finally John said, “Check the bathroom stall—the last one. I’ve left something for you.”

“Right now?”

“I’ll call you back.” He hung up.

*   *   *

I got to my feet and headed down the path toward the outdoor bathroom at the far end of the parking lot. My eyes frantically searched the hills, the beach, decks of the houses overlooking the lagoon.
Was he watching me?
I glanced back over my shoulder. The policewoman on the hill was packing up her things and talking into a cell phone. Once I reached the parking lot I passed by Billy and the other cops. Billy was talking into his phone too, but he gave me a nod. Did that mean I should keep going?

On my right, I spotted the policewoman with the stroller heading to the bathroom. She almost made it to the entry before me, but an older woman leaving the bathroom started talking to her—gesturing like she was asking for directions. I hesitated at the entrance, but if I waited any longer it was going to look weird. I took a deep breath and went in.

Thankfully no one was in the bathroom, so I went to the last stall and eased open the door. At first glance there was nothing unusual—it must be in the toilet tank. I wondered if I should wait before checking, but I didn’t know how long I had until John called back. With shaky hands, I lifted the lid off the tank. A Barbie doll floated facedown in the water. I knew I shouldn’t touch it. I flipped it over with my pinky nail.

The face was melted off.

I tore out of the bathroom, almost bumping into the policewoman, and raced to the Cherokee. My hands shook as I fit my key in the door lock. Finally I was racing down the road—my cell rang. I caught my breath, but it was just Billy.

“You okay, Sara?”

“Ally, she’s at school and—”

“We have someone watching the school right now.”

“I want to talk to Evan.”

“We need to go over some things with you—”

“Now, Billy.” I hung up.

Evan called right away. “You okay?”

“No.” I told him about the Barbie.

“Jesus. Billy said he was a no-show, but he didn’t—”

“I don’t feel good.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have a migraine and my heart’s beating really fast. It’s hard to breathe and my chest feels all tight.”

“It’s probably just from the anxiety and—”

I raised my voice. “It’s
not
a panic attack, Evan. Jesus. I think I know what a panic attack feels like. I forgot my pills.”

His tone was calm. “Sara, just pull over.” I heard voices in the background

“I can’t—what if he’s following me?” When Evan didn’t answer right away, I said, “Did Billy say where he’s calling from?”

“He…” Evan cleared his throat. “He said John’s in Nanaimo.”

I was silent with dread, waiting for Evan to finish.

“They said it looks like he was driving around the north end when he called, but his phone’s shut off now.”

“So the whole time he could’ve been
watching
me.”

“Maybe you should drive to the station. We can meet you there and—”

“I’m going to check on Ally.”

“The police already—”

“I’m going to check on
Ally
, then I’m going home.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Okay, I’ll tell them.”

*   *   *

I got to Ally’s school just as she was heading back in from recess. She was thrilled to see me, wanting me to say hello to all her friends. I told her I’d come by to give her a hug, and I did—a long one. Over her shoulder I spotted Sandy’s Tahoe parked at the end of the block. When Ally went back to her classroom I talked with the officers sitting outside in the car, who assured me John wouldn’t get by them. Fifteen minutes later I turned onto our street and Sandy passed me in the Tahoe. When I pulled into our driveway she was parked in front of the house. Evan met me at the door and grabbed me for a hug.

“There’s been a patrol car on the road watching the house the whole time. Sandy’s checked everything inside—it’s all clear.”

“Thank God. I have to get my pills.”

I kicked off my shoes and raced up to the bathroom. When I came out Evan was already closing the blinds in the bedroom and had a cool cloth in a bowl of ice on the night table. I turned off the lights and lay on the bed, my hand pressed against my still-racing heart.

Focus. Breathe. It’s okay. You’re safe now.

Evan whispered, “Want me to stay with you?” but even his soft voice burrowed like daggers into my temple.

I shook my head and pulled the pillow over my face.

“I’ll check on you in a while.” He gently closed the door behind him.

A few minutes later I heard Evan and Sandy talking downstairs. Sounds of a vehicle outside, then another male voice. I rolled into a fetal position, focused on my breathing, and let the pills take me away.

*   *   *

When I woke up it was the middle of the night. Evan was lying beside me.

“Want some water, baby?”

I murmured a yes and he warned me to cover my eyes when he turned on the lamp. He filled up a glass in the bathroom and carefully handed it to me in the dim light.

I sat up. “Thanks.”

Our voices hushed, he filled me in on everything that happened after I fell asleep. Billy stayed at the house with me while Sandy and Evan picked up Ally from school. Evan told Ally that Sandy and Billy were friends from the lodge and were going to be staying with us for a while. Ally didn’t seem to mind and in fact loved Sandy, of all people. Now Billy was sleeping on the couch downstairs and Sandy in the spare room beside Ally.

I said, “Sandy must be so pissed about what happened today.”

“She’s okay. She kind of reminds me of how you get when you’re obsessed by something.”

“Gee, thanks.”

He laughed softly.

“What are we going to do, Evan?”

“We’ll just have to play it safe for the next couple of days and see if he calls again. This is exactly what I was afraid of, though.”

“What?”

“That something wouldn’t go right and he’d be even more of a threat.”

“They would’ve got him if he hadn’t found out I was lying about Ally.”

“I didn’t think you should be telling him anything about Ally in the first place.”

“I had to tell him
something
, and I really don’t need the I-told-you-so.”

“Sorry.” Evan took a deep breath. “I just don’t ever want to go through another day like today.”

“Me neither. The thing that worries me the most is,
how
did he know I was lying?” We were both silent for a moment. “You don’t think he’s been talking to someone we know?”

“None of our friends are stupid enough to share personal details about your daughter with a stranger, Sara.”

“It could be someone from her school—a teacher or one of the other parents, even one of the kids or something. Or…”

“What?”

“Melanie works at a bar,” I said. “What if he came in and said he had a six-year-old daughter or something? She might’ve started talking about her niece.”

“That’s a stretch—she’s more apt to be talking up Kyle’s band.”

“Oh, crap.” I sighed. “I said we’d listen to his CD, for the wedding.”

“We’ll do it soon.”

“We better, or she’s going to be pissed.”

“Melanie’s the least of your problems right now.”

We were quiet again, then he said, “No, I have a feeling he’s been to the island and he’s been watching you.” His arm tightened around me. “Keep an eye out. Look for any vehicles that may be following and pay attention to your surroundings.”

“I always do.”

“No, you don’t. You get distracted. Promise you’ll be careful.”

I spoke slowly, exaggerating each word. “I promise to be more aware of my surroundings.”

He kissed my temple and gave me a squeeze. Tucked into Evan’s arm, with the warmth of his body against my side and the steady sound of his heart beating in my ear against his chest, I started to drift off.

He murmured in the dark, “I don’t want you to talk to him again, Sara.”

I whispered into his shoulder, “I won’t. I’m done.”

*   *   *

But I haven’t heard from John since. Evan stuck around the last couple of days. So did Billy and Sandy, which is why I didn’t come for my session yesterday. It wasn’t so bad having them there, I guess. Usually one of them went to the station during the day, and it was nice having someone escort Ally to school with me, but I missed my alone time with Evan—I missed
my
alone time.