Never Knowing (37 page)

“You had time to attack my
psychiatrist
.” Rage made my voice shake. “Do you think hurting people I care about is going to make me like you?”

Dead silence from the other end of the phone.

I glanced down the hall. The officer sitting outside Evan’s room flipped through his magazine, oblivious to the fact that I was talking to the man he was supposed to be protecting me from.

John was still silent, so I said, “You
have
to stop this.”

“You have to help me. You’re the only one who can, Sara.” He sounded desperate. Not as desperate as I felt. What should I do? Was it just a trick? But what if it wasn’t?

It didn’t matter. I knew what I was going to do. I closed my eyes.

“I’ll meet you, okay? And we’ll talk about it. But I can’t get away for a while.”

“Ally has to come too.”

My body jerked like he’d hit me and I clutched the phone.

“I already told you no.”

“She
has
to. You and Ally have to come live with me.”

“Live with—we can’t
live
with you. That’s not possible.”

“You
have
to.” His voice was frantic. “If you come I won’t hurt anyone else again. I’ll stop forever. But if you don’t, I’m—I’m going to kill your shrink, and I’ll finish off Evan too. I’m sorry it has to be like this, but it’s an
emergency
.”

“John, please, don’t do anything to—”

“I won’t do any of it if you come. They’ll be safe.”

My mind spun.
Think, Sara. Think.

“We can meet, okay? We can meet and we’ll talk about it.”

“No, that’s not good enough. You and Ally come or I finish them off.”

“
Okay.
Just give me a bit to make a plan. The police, they’re watching the hospital and our house because they don’t know who shot Evan. It’s not safe for me to meet you right now. I have to find a way to sneak off.”

“If they find out about this call, I’ll kill Evan, if you tell them you’re meeting me, I’ll kill Evan. If you bring them with you, I’ll kill Evan. If—”

“Stop
threatening
me! I have to be careful how I do this. I need some time. To think. You can’t just—”

“It has to be this afternoon—at the park.”

This afternoon?

“Ally, she’s at school. If I yank her out, people will ask questions—and there’s a patrol car watching her.”

He paused for a moment, then said, “Tonight at the park—six o’clock. Make sure
no one
follows you. Tell anyone, and Evan’s dead.”

He hung up.

*   *   *

My legs were shaking as I walked back to Evan’s room. I stopped at the door and peeked in. He was sleeping. I watched him for a moment, still struggling to get a grip on everything that had just happened. No point waking him and asking what to do—I already knew his answer—so I left. The patrol officer who was supposed to be guarding him was getting a coffee from the vending machine at the end of the hall. Should I tell him about the call? But what if John was watching from somewhere in the hospital?

I had to think, had to focus. Should I meet John alone or talk to the police? But what if I talked and John made good on his threat?

No, I had to tell the police. This was too big. But if John found out, he said he’d kill Evan.
Stop, Sara, think it through.
There was no way John would know if I talked to the cops, he was just trying to scare me. But when I tried to call Billy, there was no answer. He was probably at the hospital with Nadine. I had to talk to someone
now
.

Sandy answered on the first ring. I started filling her in.

“You have to slow down, Sara. I’m not getting all of this.”

“There’s no way I’m taking Ally to meet him, Sandy. I told him she was in school. But I don’t know what to do.”

“Yesterday you were dead set against meeting John. How do you feel about it now?” Her voice was tense.

For a moment I panicked. Dad and Evan would
freak
. Then I felt all my pieces snap into place. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. There was only one way this was ever going to end.

“I want to do it. I’m ready. But I can’t bring Ally. If I show up, as bait or whatever, can you arrest him before he realizes Ally’s not with me?”

“If he’s watching from a distance and sees she’s not there, he might follow through on his threats.”

“There’s got to be some way to flush him out that doesn’t involve Ally.”

She was quiet for a moment, then said, “Let’s talk about it when you get here. Just drive home slowly and don’t do anything abnormal in case John’s following. Don’t alert the officers at the hospital, I’ll take care of it. Don’t even pick up your cell while you’re driving—he might panic if he thinks you’re calling us. Think of him like a bomb, Sara. It won’t take much to set him off.”

“But what if it’s him calling?”

“Do
not
engage in another conversation with him until we have a plan.”

“Are you going to beef up the security for Evan and Nadine?”

“They’re already under protection. If we send more and he’s watching, he’ll know you’ve alerted us.”

“What about Billy, should I call him and—”

“I’ll fill Billy in.” Her voice was firm. “Just stay calm and we’ll talk more when you get here.”

*   *   *

The next hour was the longest drive of my life. It was already a hot day, but my body was slick with nervous sweat, my hands clammy as I gripped the wheel. I didn’t have cell coverage most of the way, so I wasn’t sure if John had tried to reach me again. I checked my rearview mirror constantly, wondering if he was following or if he was down in Nanaimo. What if he was watching Ally’s school and realized she wasn’t there?

Still running worst-case scenarios in my mind as I neared my house, I shot through a yellow light and the patrol car following me stopped at the red. He turned on his lights, but a large tractor-trailer was going through the intersection. As I pulled in my driveway, I noticed that the patrol car normally parked on the road was gone. He must’ve been relieved by the one following me. I jumped out of the SUV and sprinted to the front door.

I shoved my key into the lock and called out, “It’s me—Sara. I’m home.” No sounds of feet running. No Moose barking.

As I turned the key I realized the door wasn’t locked. Sandy would never leave the door unlocked. I hesitated—could John be inside? Adrenaline rushed through my body. My
daughter
was in there.

I pushed open the door.

The house was quiet.

“Sandy? Ally? Hello?”

I raced upstairs and checked Ally’s room. She wasn’t there. One of her shoes was kicked off into the middle of the room. She was wearing them this morning.

I ran down the hall to my room. Empty. Were they in the backyard? I sprinted downstairs and opened the sliding glass door. As soon as I stepped out I saw Sandy hog-tied on the ground by my feet.

For a minute my mind couldn’t compute the image, then it hit. I dropped to my knees beside her.

“
Sandy!
” I wanted to shake her and scream,
Where’s Ally?
But her face was turned to the side and a rivulet of blood trickled from her nose. The back of her head was matted with blood. I spotted an envelope lying near her shoulder, my name scrawled on it in bold letters. There was a cell and a folded piece of paper inside. I unfolded the note. The writing was messy, but the words leaped out:
If you ever want to see Ally again don’t tell anyone
.… Before I could read the rest something fell out of the envelope. I picked it up. It was a lock of Ally’s hair, one soft, dark ringlet. The air left my throat in a long moan.

A man shouted from inside the house, “Everything okay? The door was wide open!”

The patrolman.

I opened my mouth to scream that Ally was missing.
Stop, think.
What if John killed her? If I told the police she was gone they’d never let me out of the house.

I heard myself yell, “Sandy’s hurt!”

His feet were heavy. “
Officer down. Officer down!
” He came through the sliding glass door with a radio to his mouth. I shoved the cell and note into my pocket and stood up on shaky legs.

“She’s breathing, but her head’s bleeding, and—”

He pushed me out of the way, checked Sandy’s pulse. I stared at his back. Should I tell him about the note?

If you ever want to see Ally again
 …

I backed away unsteadily. In the living room I stopped and read the rest of the note. The words danced before my eyes.

Drive north. Come alone. I’ll call with directions. If anyone follows she’s dead.

Sirens wailed in the distance. Should I wait? A voice in my head screamed,
Leave, get Ally, there’s no time!
I sprinted out the front, grabbed my keys out of the door, jumped into the Cherokee, and gunned the engine. I reversed down the driveway, narrowly missing the side of the parked patrol car. At the end of the driveway, I slammed the Cherokee into drive and stomped my foot down hard on the gas.

As I barreled down the road, my mind raced to come up with a plan, but all I could think about was Ally. I had to get to her—fast. Right now the cops’ priority was Sandy, but any minute they were going to notice we were gone. I had to ditch the Cherokee. Could I make it to Lauren’s? No, too far. A neighbor! Gerry, the old man a few houses down, had a truck he never used and a long driveway. I pulled in, parked in a small clearing blocked from the house by trees, then ran up to his door.

He didn’t answer my frantic knock. I hammered at his door again. I was about to leave when the door opened. Gerry’s white hair was sticking straight up and he was wearing a robe.

“Sara, you have blood all over you!”

“Gerry—I need your truck. I was walking and Moose got hit by a car. I don’t have time to run back to my house.”

“How awful. Of course.” He shuffled toward the kitchen with me hot on his heels, then rummaged through a basket on the counter as I fought the urge to throw him out of the way.

When he held the keys aloft I practically snatched them out of his hand, then shouted, “Thanks!” over my shoulder as I raced out the door to his old red Chevy.

John didn’t say which highway to take out of Nanaimo, so I got on the parkway bypassing the city and headed north. Because the highway is inland there’s just forest on either side of the road and long stretches between each exit. The cell coverage also gets spotty and I worried about missing John’s call. The cell I’d found near Sandy was lying in my lap and I touched it several times.

Come on, you asshole. Tell me where my daughter is.

My head spun with terrifying images of where Ally could be and what John could be doing to her. Should I call the police? Was I costing them precious time? One minute it seemed like the right thing to do, the next minute I panicked, thinking about John finding out and killing Ally.

*   *   *

Thirty minutes down the highway, my body was still vibrating with adrenaline and my thoughts were all over the place. I was looking at the road but not seeing anything. I ran a red light. Tires screeched as cars swerved to avoid me. Another jolt of fear ricocheted through my body. I realized I was crying when a drop landed on my arm. Billy’s voice cut through the noise in my head:
Whenever you feel yourself panicking, just breathe, regroup, and focus on your strategy
.

I sucked in a deep breath through my nose and forced it out my mouth, repeating the process until I was finally able to grab on to a thought. What was the next step? John was going to call. Then what? He was going to tell me where to meet him. What was I going to do then? All I had to do was play along, tell him whatever he wanted to hear, and wait for a chance to—

The cell phone rang.

I scrabbled for the phone and yelled, “
Where is she?
”

“Are you driving?”

“Is Ally okay?”

“Did anyone follow you?”

“If you’ve hurt her, I’ll—”

“I wouldn’t hurt her.”

“You hurt that police officer—”

“She was going to shoot me. And you lied again—Ally wasn’t at school.”

“Because I was worried you would do something crazy, and I was
right.
You can’t just take my child and threaten to—” My voice broke.

“It was the only way you’d come. I know you’ve been talking to the police. I’ll explain everything later.”

“Please don’t hurt Ally. I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t hurt her. I’m
begging
you.”

“I’m not going to hurt her—she’s my granddaughter. I’m not a monster. But if you tell the cops or lead them to me, you’ll never see us again.”

He
was
a monster. One of the worst this world had ever seen.

“I won’t—”

“Shut up and listen.”

I bit my tongue. He had Ally.

“Turn left at Horne Lake Road, then park by the old concrete divider at the first clearing. In the culvert there’s a box with a blindfold. Put it on and lie down in the front seat of your Jeep.”

He knew I had a Jeep Cherokee. He
must
have been following me.

“I took a neighbor’s truck.”

“You’ve got your old man’s smarts.” He laughed, then said, “See you soon.” I was just about to hang up when he said, “Knock, knock.”

I clenched my jaw.

“Who’s there?”

“
Sara
reason you’re not laughing?”

My voice cracked as I said, “I’m too scared about Ally.”

“She’s safe—I tied her up so she can’t go anywhere.”

“What do you mean she’s—”

“It’ll be fine. You two will have fun with me, you’ll see.” He hung up.

I screamed at my windshield.

*   *   *

The cell was hot in my hands. My breath coming in quick, short gasps. This was bad, this was really bad. I had to call the police. They were professionals; they’d know what to do. But what if John had a police scanner? He’d disappear with Ally and we’d never get her back. I thought of the lock of hair in my pocket, the uneven edge like he’d hacked it with a knife, and a fresh wave of terror rushed through my body. I put the phone down.