NEVER GOODBYE (An Albany Boys Novel) (32 page)

I take a deep breath and nod. If anything, I need to make sure he calms down, for his sake and Baker’s.

Lunch is still a little tense, but Carter is good at lightening the mood ― That boy is a bunch of contradictions, but that’s for April to work out.

People come to our table and announce how much pain Baker will be in when they catch up with him, then grimace when they look at Vaun, knowing it will be worse if he catches up with Baker first. Others stare as usual and, I’m slowly getting used to it.

My next class is with Vaun which, I think he’s more glad about then I. Our last classes are different, but he’s relieved that I share the class with April. Everything goes without a hitch until we get to the parking lot. It’s when April and I walk down to meet them that we realize something’s up. Never have I had to wait for Vaun. Ever.

April sometimes catches a ride with us because Carter has football practice but Vaun is always waiting. We always get out before the buses to pick up Benny.

I look around and see one school bus drive down the road. Retrieving my phone, I see no missed calls or messages. I’m getting a little worried. I know how angry he was at Baker and I’m scared at what he might do.

“April, I think we need to go look for them.”

“I … I’ll call Carter.”

I pace and look out toward the front of the school. No other buses are leaving, which I think is a little weird.

“Mister Lloyd?” April says into the phone.

I turn to April, who has that face. Something is definitely wrong.

“Yes, sir. We are waiting because they drive us home and Vaun picks up Harper’s little brother from school.”

Oh God
.

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

Oh God. Oh God.

She ends the call and I jump. “What?”

“You’re not going to like it. They’re okay and will be here in a minute.”

“What happened?”

“I think I’ll let him tell you.”

I grab April’s arm and almost shake her. “April.”

She bites her lip and looks over her shoulder. They aren’t in view yet. “Vaun and Carter got on Baker’s bus.”

“Shit. I knew it. I knew it.”

“Vaun put Baker’s head through the bus window.”

“Oh my God.”

Now she has her hand on my arm. “Mister Lloyd says, the bus driver and Baker wanted to call the police but when they explained what happened to you they were let off with a warning. The paramedics are coming for Baker, just in case he has concussion, and the school will be billing Vaun’s dad for the window.”

“Is Vaun okay? Did they fight?”

“I don’t know, honey.”

I start heading for the main office when I see Carter and Vaun descend the stairs. Vaun spots me and drops his gaze. He’s ashamed now and I love him for that. I don’t know if I’m angry he got violent or angry because he could have gotten himself hurt or angry because he risked a lot by doing this. I’m not even sure if he did it for me or himself.

I wait for him while Carter pats his shoulder, takes April’s hand and leads her to his SUV. As for me and Vaun, we stand silently in the parking lot, me staring at him while he stares at his feet as though the world’s answers are held within the dirt under his feet.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles and I jump at him and wrap my arms around his neck. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Don’t do it again.”

He shakes his head in my neck. “I just couldn’t get him out of my head. I couldn’t stop my imagination. Now I can’t stop seeing the blood and the glass and my hands.”

I pull from him and grab his hands. They are cut at the knuckles and blotchy. “Come on. Let’s get Benny and get you home so I can clean that up, okay?” There was nothing I could say that he wasn’t saying to himself. He was wrong to go after Baker, but I understand it and he knows what could have happened had it all gone really wrong.

He pulls me to his side and we walk back to the truck in silence. He still opens my door for me, though. Normally we’re laughing and kissing. Not today.

Benny senses there’s something wrong before he gets in. We’re late and we have never been late. He sees Vaun’s knuckles and his eyes bulge, but he doesn’t say anything. He stays quiet and we only break silence for small talk, which is something we never do.

When we pull in the driveway at home Benny is outta there and in the house before I’ve gotten my belt off. Vaun sighs and I turn to him. He’s miserable in his own guilt and I feel for him.

“Vaun, What’s done is done and everyone knows why. Now you have to forgive yourself.”

He looks at me, his sad puppy eyes are killing me. “I was like a possessed monster. Like…”

“Like who?”

              He shakes his head, “No one important. I just don’t want to be that way again. It scared me and Carter. The look on Baker’s face. I …”

              I stoke his face and he tilts into my palm, closing his eyes. My heart bleeds a little for the broken piece inside him. He’s always been sensitive; this is clearly hard for him to deal with because it is something he has caused.

              But I’m going to help him. We are separated for five days as of tomorrow and I can’t even think of leaving him like this. No way. So tonight I have to show him what a beautiful person he is. I’m going to make sweet love to this boy until he knows that the reason I live and smile is because of him.

16

Darkness falls

Vaun

‘Let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing.’

SpongeBob.

I can’t sleep; all I want to do is watch her sleep. She’s going to be without me for five days or more and I hate it. I’m scared, like pussy scared. I’m scared of so many things. That she will need me and I won’t be there. That she will get sick again or that Benny might need me.

I’m scared of what I became yesterday. I’m scared that only Blue has ever made me feel as loved and connected as she did last night. I must have kissed every wonderfully sweet inch of her. I know she made love to me in mind of helping me stop beating myself up over what I did and it worked. She is magical and I never want us to be apart.

If this meeting wasn’t so damn important I wouldn’t be leaving her. I would never.

So now I’m watching the time tick over her shoulder, wishing that my meeting goes well and fast so I can return to her. I wish like hell she gets through her lumbar puncture and treatment without a glitch. The picture Google provided of a lumbar puncture still haunts me. The fact that a huge needle will be playing about at her spine is maddening.

I’m just glad her dad can now be there for her. There was a wall between them not long ago and, miraculously, it has crumbled just when she needs him most.

She talks again. She does this. It seems she does it most when she’s had a big day. Sometimes I understand what she’s saying and then there’s times where she makes no sense at all or mumbles the entire time. It’s very adorable and it’s mine. She’s mine.

Tonight she’s babbling about me. I hear she loves me almost a dozen times and each one makes my heart fucking soar in my chest. I don’t know what would have happened to me had she not come into my life and I hate to think what would happen if she was gone.

I can’t even go there. Instead I stroke her jaw and ear and listen to her, answer her if she asks me questions that don’t really get processed while she slumbers.  I do this until the sun rises, her eyes flutter open and she smiles that beautiful smile that I love.

“Hey,” she says and then she holds her hand over her mouth and shies away from me.

I know she’s worried about morning breath; she’s always worried about it. Today I’m not letting her be. Today I want to kiss her and make love to her before the house wakes.

I make love to the girl of my dreams like it’s the last time while wishing and
praying
that it isn’t.

Harper

              I can’t see. Everything is black and I can’t move.
What’s wrong with me?
I can’t even ask, nothing is working.

              Vaun? I want Vaun. Though I know he won’t be here. The last time I saw him he was waving goodbye to Dad and I as we were leaving. He then had to take Benny to April’s house again. Poor kid.

              I drift again, trying to hold on like the last few times, but I can’t hold it and I slip back into the nothing.

              Time is lost. I don’t know how long I’m in the dark for. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve struggled to find the light.

              I haven’t died. I know it because I can hear Dad and the doctor, but my mouth won’t work. Nothing is working and the harder I fight the quicker I fall back and I don’t want to fall in the darkness again because I’m so, so scared I won’t crawl back out again.

              I don’t know what happened. I was getting the lumbar puncture and then that’s it. Nothing but darkness. Did they screw up? Have they done something to my spine? But that shouldn’t affect me like this.

Fight. Remember.
I was in a fetal position, I tried not to scream or move when the needle went in. They gave me gas to try to relax and I squeezed Dad’s hand against the pain and the sick feeling the gas was causing. I didn’t move. I don’t think I moved.

I remember a needle. Dad begging for them to put me under and then … the nothing.

I can hear sobbing. Oh no. I can hear Dad. He’s crying by my side.

Oh god, I feel sick. I can’t move and I’m going to be sick. Darkness is begrudgingly welcomed.

My eyes hurt as the light hits them and I cover them with my hand.
With my hand.
I gasp and try to sit up, but dizziness makes my stomach churn. At least I can move, at least I can see.

“Angel. Oh my God, Angel baby. I was so worried. Talk to me.”

“Dad,” I croak. My throat is sore and I try to swallow against the dryness of my mouth.

“Would you like some ice chips?”

I attempt to open my eyes again, but it’s like hot poker stabbing my brain and I groan.

“Harper? What is it, Angel?”

“The light.”

“The light? You want me to turn out the light?”

I nod and hear his movements and the click of the light switch above my bed.

“There you go. How about some ice chips? Then open your eyes for me.”

I nod again because my throat hurts more than my head.

A nurse is in the room. “Hey there, honey pie. Glad to see you’re with us again. You had a time out for the day and scared us a little.” She’s taking my vitals and my body aches like I’ve got a bad flu bug. “So Dad’s here to give you some ice chips, I’d sure be glad if you had some of that.”

I feel cold drops on my lips.

“Here ya’ go, Angel. Open up.” I do and it’s a fast relief that disappears even faster. I want more.

I open my mouth again and he lets them slip in there.

“Not too much honey. A little at a time. Too much can make you ill.” The nurse warns.

I try to open my eyes again and although it hurts I really want to see Dad and I want to see my nurse. She has a sweet voice. I want to know what happened. I want to know how long I have been time outing for. Has Vaun called? I don’t know anything and I don’t like it. I’m scared. So scared.

My dad looks like hell. I’ve seen him like this before, when Mom didn’t come out of her accident.

“Daddy,” I croak and he crumbles a little before sucking it up.

“Angel. I need you to sign some papers to say I can make some decisions for you. I can’t go through that again. I have no authority and I was so scared.”

Was I close to a DNR? Oh God. I signed a DNR when I first found out. I don’t want to die, I want to fight. Instead I cry as Dad kisses my hand and I feel the dampness of his tears. I’m such a selfish bitch. How could I do that to him? I was scared to end up like my mother, who I always thought of as an empty shell, but I now question that. What if she is trapped in there? What if she is in the darkness like I was?

Mum’s brain scans show little activity but I can see why my dad refuses to give up on her. I’m so fucking ashamed of myself for giving up on her so easily.

I’m the worst kind of daughter parents could ask for.

***

I was out for just over twenty-one hours. I had a reaction to the anesthetic, my white cells are way too low and I can’t go home or have treatment again until I’m on top again. If I don’t get a transfusion, I won’t get treatment for the cancer. If I don’t get treatment for the cancer, I’ll die anyway. Either way, I need that transfusion and then time to get better. That’s pretty much the sums of it and the end I guess because I’m getting sicker and weaker with no time to heal.

I know I said I would fight to the end, but it’s not looking good and I promised myself that I wouldn’t let Vaun watch another person he loves deteriorate into someone he doesn’t recognize. I just won’t do that to him even if it kills my heart to do it and hurts his. But he will live on, he will heal and he will find another love. This promise is more important than any other I made to him.

I can hear Vaun. He’s yelling in the hall at the nurses who are just following my orders. I can hear the pain in his voice as it tears through the walls and through my heart. I have to remember I’m doing this for him.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Dad asks me.

I shake my head no, but say yes. He sighs, stands and heads for the hall.

“I want to see her.” Vaun cries out to my dad, pleading.

“You have to go, son. She needs peace right now and she wants you to move on with your life.”

“
What the fuck
?” Vaun yells confused.

“Sir, language,” says someone I don’t recognize.

“Blue … Blue, baby I know you can hear me.
Please
.” ‘His voice cracks at the end and so does my heart. Just when I think I can’t take anymore he forces his way past everyone to me. He can see how pale I am; I can’t hide the red, dark circles that have developed under my eyes overnight and the clear signs that the fight has turned.