Never Enough: The Vipers MC (7 page)

Chapter Eight

Jess

I never knew what it meant to wait for the other shoe to drop until I lived with the knowledge that Joe Green’s men would be after me again.

As days passed, I realized he was toying with me. I’d been so sure somebody would be waiting when I got out of the cab. Then again when I walked David to school on Monday morning, after spending most of the weekend locked up in the apartment. I’d even inspected the delivery guy through the peephole in the door, wondering if he was legit or just some goon trying to intimidate me. I only opened the door because I recognized the man as an employee of the restaurant.

He was toying with me. I realized that by Monday afternoon. Joe was seeing how far he could go before I completely unraveled. The ball was fully in his court, and he knew it. The certainty that he would be coming back before long—if not him, one of his enforcers—made life a living hell.

“Mama? What’s wrong with you?” I walked David home from school, looking both ways the whole time. I must have looked like a woman on the run, somebody who had done something horrible and knew she’d get caught eventually. I had done something horrible, all right. I had made a deal with the devil.

“Nothing, honey. Really. I’m just not feeling very well today.”

“You’re squeezing my hand,” he groaned, trying to pull away from my grip.

“Don’t let go!” I realized I’d nearly screamed it, and people up and down the street stopped to look at me. There I was, the world’s worst mother. Screaming at her poor kid for no reason. I could feel their judgment seeping into my skin.

I looked down at my wide-eyed boy, feeling a mixture of regret and guilt. “I’m sorry, honey. You know I don’t mean to yell at you. I can’t have you letting go of my hand in the middle of the street, though. Right? You know that.”

“I know.” He didn’t sound convinced that I had it all together. Well, he was right. I didn’t have it together, not by a long shot. I was falling apart, piece by piece. Crumbling all around him.

I wondered if drug addicts felt the way I did. Not that I felt high, but I knew they would do anything for a hit. They would steal, borrow, beg. Make all kinds of promises if only they could get their hands on what they needed. I did sort of the same thing. They eventually paid for it, didn’t they? After living on edge, knowing their deeds were bound to catch up with them. I could relate to that feeling, all too well.

If only I could turn back time. I didn’t realize I had muttered it to myself until I heard David ask, “What did you say, Mama?”

“Hmm?” I looked over my shoulder. Was there a big man half a block behind us? Didn’t he look a little shady, unfamiliar in the neighborhood? I picked up the pace. David trotted alongside me.

“You said something about time. Turning back time?”

“Are you reading my thoughts now?”

“No, you said it out loud. Mama, we’re going too fast!” Again, a couple of people stared at me. I wanted to slap them, tell them to mind their own business. They had no idea the strain I was under.

“I’m sorry, honey.” I picked him up, determined to get us the last two blocks as quickly as possible. How the hell had they found me in the first place? I’d told them my name, hadn’t I? And that was their business. Finding people. Otherwise, how would they ever make a profit?

“Come on,” I said, laughing like it was a game. “Let’s see how out of shape Mama is. I’m gonna try to run with you in my arms.”

He giggled. “Oh, Mama. You’re so silly. I’m too heavy!”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see about that.” I cast another look over my shoulder. The man was gone. Probably hiding. The moment the light turned green, I bolted across the street, then kept up the pace until we reached the brownstone.

I put David down, gasping for air. I felt like my lungs were on fire. My running days were long behind me—especially considering the fact that I was carrying a seven-year-old with a massive backpack. Why they gave kids so much homework, I would never understand.

I looked behind us as he ran up the stairs. No man. Had I imagined it? No, I’d definitely seen him. I probably imagined who he was, though. He might have been anybody taking a walk.

I couldn’t live that way forever. Running up and down the street with my kid in my arms. Afraid to leave the apartment unless I had to. I’d even considered keeping him out of school that morning, out of fear. This was starting to affect my boy. I couldn’t let it go on forever.

What could I do, though? I had no idea. Rob Peter to pay Paul by taking out a loan elsewhere? Going to the bank, begging on bended knee for a loan even though I had nearly no collateral? The only thing worth putting up was my car, which was a piece of junk I knew wasn’t worth anything. They would laugh me right out of the place.

No parents. No other family. No real friends, besides Cindy. I’d never felt so alone in my life.

You could call Grayson.
Right. And tell him what? That I had his son? That he needed to make up for seven years of child support? I made the slow, weary climb up four floors, the elevator always too slow to bother waiting for. No. That wouldn’t work, either. I needed to do it on my own, somehow. Work the problem. I needed to work the problem.

There was no working it. I’d gone as far as I could. I needed a job, or a sugar daddy. The only two options which made sense. Otherwise, I’d simply wait for the other shoe to drop.

***

Nighttime was the worst. It always felt like there was a higher chance of something bad happening when it was dark outside. That was one childhood fear which hadn’t gone away the older I got—especially considering the threat against me.

My phone rang. I jumped a mile at the sound, and only breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Cindy’s name on the screen.

“Hey.”

“You sound breathless. Did I interrupt something? Oh, God do I even wanna know?”

I laughed. “No, goof. I’m a little tense right now, is all. The phone scared me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I wanted to see if you were doing okay. I didn’t mean to almost give you a heart attack.”

I grinned. “Thanks. And thanks for caring. I’m okay, I guess. Physically.”

“Mentally?”

“A mile away,” I admitted. “Cin, I ran home with David today. I literally ran home. I’m losing my mind.”

“You’re not losing your mind. It’s a natural reaction. You’re going through something scary right now.” She paused, then said, “Listen. I talked to my friend at the bank today. I can take out a loan for you, in my name.”

“Cindy. I couldn’t let you do that.”

“Jess, you know I would. I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate thinking of you going through this.” She let out a cross between a growl and a scream. “You’re so freaking stubborn, I can’t stand it. Why won’t you let anybody help you? You need the help!”

“I know,” I said, “but I won’t let you take out extra debt to help me. You have enough on your plate. What will that do to your credit score, having even more outstanding debt in your name?”

“I don’t care about that,” she insisted. “I care about my friend, and her kid who I happen to adore. I want you guys to be safe. I want you to move on with your life. No more stories about running David home from school. You know?”

I chewed the inside of my mouth, thinking. “I know,” I muttered. Her offer was tempting—too tempting. Wouldn’t it be easy to accept? Would it be? All my troubles would be over until the bills started piling up again. I was still looking for work, every day.

“What about him?” From the emphasis in her voice, I knew who she meant.

“Cindy…”

“Well? It’s not a crazy thought. If you tell him about David, he’ll give you the money. He owes you that much.”

“You don’t know him. You don’t know any of them, the sort of men they are. It’s a matter of pride. He wouldn’t be able to handle knowing I had his child all this time and never told him. I hurt him enough by leaving—he might not admit it in so many words, but I know I did. It’ll be even worse if he knows it wasn’t just me who left.” I remembered the way his eyes flashed fire when he first saw me, when he asked why I left. Before he kissed me. Just the merest thought set my heart racing all over again.

“He’ll forgive you.”

“You don’t know that. Besides, he might want to be a part of his son’s life. I can’t risk that. I don’t want him to be any part of that world if I can help it.”

“I’m sure he’d have enough sense to keep David away from his…business,” Cindy reasoned. I laughed sharply.

“Sure. Do you know how many of the guys in that club are there because their old men were?”

“Old men? That doesn’t even sound like something you would say,” Cindy laughed. My cheeks burned, though she couldn’t see.

“Yes, well, it took a long time for me to work the common terms and phrases out of my vernacular.”

“That sounds more like you,” she chuckled. “I wish I had known you back then.”

“No, you don’t. I didn’t know who I was. It was a mixed-up time for me. Did you ever read
Wuthering Heights
?”

“Yeah, back in high school.”

“I identified with Cathy. In love with Heathcliff, even though he was wrong for her. She tried so hard to get away from him, too. She needed to get out of her world—what other choice did she have but to marry a man she only felt lukewarm feelings for? It was that or live with her alcoholic brother. But Heathcliff kept pulling her back, reminding her of who she really was.”

“What are you saying? Is he your Heathcliff?”

“I can’t let him back into my life. He’s my past. It’s too far behind me. I can’t be that girl again.” I heard the panic in my voice, but couldn’t stop it. That was the truth of my feelings, plain and simple. I couldn’t be that girl anymore. I had loved him—God, I still did, with all my heart—but he was no good for me. He wasn’t even any good for himself.

Besides, his true love was the Vipers. Always and forever, just like the tattoo of a viper on his right bicep. It would always be there.

“I’ve gotta go,” Cindy murmured. “You get some sleep, Cathy.”

I laughed. “Don’t call me that forever, okay? Jeez.” I heard her chuckling as I hung up. I knew I was blessed to have a friend like her, willing to go the extra mile for me time and again. I didn’t know where I’d be without her.

I turned off the light, sliding down in bed until my head rested on the pillow. Moonlight streamed through the window, spilling onto my bedspread. It made me think of a particular night with Grayson, right after we got married. God, I was only eighteen then. I had my whole life ahead of me, and I’d chosen to join it with his. He’d taken me to a cabin in the woods. It belonged to one of the older members of the club—he’d let us take it for a week as our honeymoon trip. We certainly didn’t have the money for an actual trip. I’d felt so grown up, a married woman, going away for a week with my husband. That first night, the moon had been full and ripe. We’d made love in its light for hours, until the sun came up.

A noise. Rattling on the fire escape. My heart nearly stopped, my body going stiff. I held my breath, waiting for another noise. Nothing happened. I relaxed slightly, taking a deep breath and releasing it in a long, shuddering gasp. I told myself it was only a cat—they were everywhere in my neighborhood, the strays. They liked the Chinese takeout place down the block, and the irony of that wasn’t lost on me. I closed my eyes and rolled over, willing myself to go to sleep. I’d have a long day ahead of me.

Another noise, this one louder. My eyes flew open. Somebody was trying to break in. I froze in place, wishing I had a gun. I hadn’t wanted to keep one in the apartment, of course, for David’s sake. A curious little boy and a handgun didn’t make a good combination. What I wouldn’t have given to have a gun in the nightstand at that moment.