Never Be Lied to Again (3 page)

Studies have shown that the best way to avoid being mugged is to walk briskly, with your head up and your arms moving. Such a style of moving conveys confidence. A conversation that produces feelings of confidence or those of insecurity will produce the concomitant physical posture.

C L U E 11

If She's Headed for the Door . . .

Just as we move away from someone who threatens us physically, the person who feels at a psychological disadvantage will shift or move away from her accuser. When we feel passionate about our ideas, in an attempt to persuade the other person, we move toward him. The liar is reluctant to move toward or even face the source of the threat. She turns sideways or completely away and rarely stands squared off.

The face-to-face demeanour is reserved for the person who seeks to refute a slanderous statement. This is not the case when there's deceit.

Also look for a movement in the direction of the exit.

Feeling uncomfortable, she may angle her body or actually move toward the exit. While standing she may position her back to the wall. Her psychological exposure causes her to seek physical refuge. Feeling verbally ambushed, she wants to make sure that she can see what's coming next. Those who are confident and comfortable don't mind taking centre stage.

C L U E 12

If He's Not Touchin', He's Probably Bluffin'

The person who is being deceitful will have little or no physical contact with the one he is talking to. This is an excellent and quite reliable indicator. While making a false statement, or during a conversation containing one, the liar will rarely touch the other person. He's unconsciously reducing the level of intimacy to help alleviate his guilt. Touch indicates psychological connection; it's used when we believe strongly in what we're saying.

C L U E 13

The Finger That Never Points

Someone who is lying or hiding something rarely points a finger, either at others or straight up in the air. Finger point-ing indicates conviction and authority as well as emphasis of a point. Someone who's not standing on solid ground probably won't be able to muster this nonverbal cue of dis-dain.

C L U E 14

Roadblocks, Barriers, and Obstacles

See if he uses inanimate objects—a pillow, a drinking glass, anything—to form a barrier between you and him. Just as you would shield yourself from physical harm, so, too, does he protect himself from a verbal assault. How comfortable someone is with a particular topic can be readily seen in how open he is to discussing it. Placing a physical barrier between you and him is the verbal equivalent of "I don't want to talk about it," indicating deception or a covert intention.

Since he can't get up and leave, his displeasure manifests itself in the formation of physical barriers between him and the source of the discomfort.

Jim, a colleague of mine, told me an interesting story about his former boss, who was president of a large manufacturing company. Whenever Jim was in the boss's office and brought up employee problems, product flaws, or anything that made the president uncomfortable, his boss would place his coffee mug on the desk in front of him, between them both. Then he would casually and quite unconsciously line up all of the desk accessories, forming a clear barrier between himself and his employee.

SUMMARY

• There's movement away from his accuser, possibly in the direction of the exit.

• He is reluctant to face his accuser and may turn his head or shift his body away.

• The person who is lying will probably slouch; he is unlikely to stand tall with his arms out or outstretched. There will be little or no physical contact during his attempt to convince you.

• He will not point his finger at the person he is trying to convince.

• He may place physical objects between himself and his accuser.

S E C T I O N 4

W H A T IS S A I D : A C T U A L V E R B A L C O N T E N T

"The cruellest lies are often told in silence."

—ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

The words we choose to express ourselves provide a window to our true feelings. When we wish to deceive, we choose certain words, phrases, and syntax that we
think
will convey truth in our message. Think of the many ways you can communicate the word
yes,
from the verbal to the nonverbal.

How we choose to express ourselves indicates how strongly we believe what we say.

There are subtle differences between what the truth sounds like and what a lie dressed up to sound truthful sounds like. The words we choose to convey a message are much more reflective of our true feelings than you might suspect.

C L U E 15

Using Your Words to Make His Point

Have you ever noticed how you respond to social gestures of courtesy when you're preoccupied? In the morning, when you walk into your office and someone says "Good morning" to you, you respond with "Good morning." If you're greeted with "Hello," you answer "Hello." You're just not interested in making the effort to think.

In this clue, though, the person accused doesn't have
time
to think, so he reflects back the statement of his accuser out of fear. Because he is caught off guard, he replies using the other person's words, but in the negative. Making a positive statement negative is the fastest way to get the words out.

For example, an aggrieved spouse asks, "Did you cheat on me?" The liar answers, "No, I didn't cheat on you." "Did you ever cheat on me?" draws the response "No, I never cheated on you."
Did
you becomes
didn't
and
ever
becomes
never.
Remember, above all else, the guilty wants to get his answer out fast. Any delay makes him feel like he appears more guilty. And to the guilty every second that passes seems like an eternity.

Skilled interviewers and interrogators know the following rule concerning contractions. When a suspect uses a contraction—"It
wasn't
me" instead of "It
was not
me"—statistically speaking, there is a 60 percent chance he's being truthful. Sometimes the guilty, in an attempt to sound emphatic, don't want to use a contraction in their statement of innocence; they want to emphasize the
not.

C L U E 16

The More He Tries, the More

You Should Worry

It's often been said that the best people to sell to are those who have signs posted saying NO SALESMAN OR SOLICITORS.

These people know that they can be sold anything, so they attempt to deflect salespeople from trying.

A person speaking the truth is not concerned about whether you misunderstand him; he is always willing to clarify. The liar wants to be sure that you understand his point immediately so that he can change the subject and no further questions will be asked. When his evidence is fragile, the words he uses are bold and solid, to compensate. For example, asked if he ever cheated on a test in law school, Peter might respond with "I'm pretty sure I never did." If he had and wanted to convince someone to the contrary, his response is likely to be more definitive: "No, I would never cheat on a test." Of course someone who never has cheated might give the same answer, so this statement needs to be considered in the context of the conversation and in conjunction with other clues.

Sometimes people who adamantly assert an opinion or view don't even hold it themselves. If they were confident in their thinking, they would not feel a need to compensate.

If someone says right up front that he positively won't budge, it means one thing: He knows he can be swayed. He needs to tell you this so you won't ask, because he knows he'll cave in.

Ironically, the confident person will use phrases like "I'm sorry, this is pretty much the best we can do" or "I'm afraid there's not a whole lot of room for negotiation here." This person's words provide comfort for his opponent, not a shield for himself.

C L U E 17

The Good Old Freudian Slip

Sometimes we say one thing when we mean to say another.

This is referred to as a Freudian slip, a subconscious leak when a person's misspoken words reflect and reveal his true feelings, thoughts, or intentions. For example, someone who means to say, "We worked really hard on the project; it took us all night to
complete
it," might slip and say, "We worked really hard on the project; it took us all night to
copy
it."

There's a great joke about these unconscious slip-ups. A man confessed to his friend that he had made a Freudian slip during a recent dinner with his parents. He said, "I meant to say 'Could you please pass the salt?' to my mother.

Instead it came out as 'I had a terrible childhood and you've ruined my life, you wicked woman.' '

C L U E 18

I'm Above That Sort of Thing

When a person is asked a question, if he responds with an answer that depersonalizes and globalizes the question, be aware. Let's say you ask someone, "Were you honest with me about our conversation yesterday?" Watch out if you get a reply like "Of course I was. I would never lie to you.

You know how I feel about lying." Or when someone is asked, "Did you ever steal from your last job?" he responds with, "No, I think stealing from one's job is the worst thing you can do." Or "Did you ever cheat on me?" And you hear,

"You know I'm against that sort of thing. I think it morally reprehensible." To sound more emphatic, a liar offers abstract assurances as evidence of his innocence in a specific instance. In his mind the evidence doesn't weigh favourably for him, so he brings in his fictitious belief system to back him up.

C L U E 19

Silence Is Gold-Plated

Have you ever experienced a first date where a lapse in conversation caused uneasiness or anxiety? When you're uncomfortable, silence adds to your discomfort. Conversely, some married couples can be comfortable in each other's presence for hours without a single word being exchanged.

The guilty are uncomfortable with silence.

When someone is asked a question, take notice if he continues to add more information without being prodded. A typical scenario would go like this: You ask Jack where he was Friday night. He responds with "I was out with my friends." You don't acknowledge his answer. Jack gets nervous because in his mind he hasn't sold you. So he goes on:

"We went to the movies." He'll continue adding new facts until you respond, thus letting him know that he's convinced you.

This should not be confused with the person who says it all right away. The guilty tells his story in dribs and drabs until he gets a verbal confirmation to stop. He speaks to fill the gap left by the silence.

C L U E 20

An Implied Answer Is No Answer

Often when a person doesn't want to respond to a question he will imply an answer. For example, Ralph is speaking on the telephone with a girl he has never met before. He says jokingly, "So, are you gorgeous?" She proceeds to tell him that she works out three times a week, takes an aerobics class every other day, and has dated several male models.

This is a non-answer. She is attempting to circumvent the question altogether by
implying
that she is attractive.

The following exchange is from a press conference between reporter Helen Thomas and President Nixon's press secretary, Ronald Ziegler, during the Watergate scandal.

THOMAS: Has the President asked for any resignations so far and have any been submitted or on his desk?

ZlEGLER: I have repeatedly stated, Helen, that there is no change in the status of the White House staff.

THOMAS: But that was not the question. Has he asked for any resignations?

ZlEGLER: I understand the question, and I heard it the first time. Let me go through my answer. As I have said, there is no change in the status of the White House staff. There have been no resignations submitted.

The question "Has the President asked for any resignations?" was not answered either directly or indirectly. Ziegler tried to
imply
that he was giving an answer to the question, but he never did answer it.

S U M M A R Y

• He will use your words to make his point.

• He will keep adding more information until he's sure that he has sold you on his story.

• He may stonewall, giving the impression that his mind is made up. This is often an attempt to limit your challenges to his position.

• Watch out for the good old Freudian slip.

• He depersonalizes his answer by offering his belief on the subject instead of answering directly.

• He may imply an answer but never state it directly.

S E C T I O N 5

H O W S O M E T H I N G IS S A I D

"What is the use of lying when the truth, well distributed, serves the same purpose."

—W.E. FORSTER

I know a hair stylist who would go into the woman's purse for his tip after the haircut. No one ever got upset with him because he did it in such an innocent way that you just had to laugh. It's how he did it that made all the difference.

Two salespeople can read all the manuals on selling and learn all the sales pitches there are, and one will still sell far more than the other. While the two speak the same words, these words convey completely different messages. How something is said is often just as important as what is said.

Emphasis on different parts of a sentence can covey completely different meanings. Notice the different ways the phrase "Michelle was caught stealing from her boss" can be interpreted depending upon where the emphasis is placed.

Michelle / was / caught / stealing / from her / boss a

b

e

d

e

f

a. By emphasizing the name
Michelle,
you're conveying the significance of who stole.

b. Emphasis on
was
draws attention to the fact that it has already happened.