Nerd Girl (24 page)

Damn it.
Even pissed, he looked sexy.

“Look,” he said in desperation, “I was going to tell you today, before she got back. She wasn’t supposed to be back until Thursday, which you knew. But she got back this morning. I knew I needed to stop it before it got any further with us, because...”

“Further?” I interrupted him. “Didn’t you think it went far enough the moment you kissed me? You think cheating on someone only qualifies if you fuck them?” I was being callous now and I didn’t give a shit.

He looked stricken by my blunt comment, but I wasn’t in any mood to be delicate. He ignored my comment. I was too angry to be ladylike. I could tell my words had pushed a button.

“Look. I didn’t expect for this to happen,” he said, gesturing in the air between us. “You weren’t supposed to exist.” He sounded almost bitter and roughly combed his hand through his hair again, exasperated. “Catherine was supposed to be my
happy ever after
. She was supposed to be
the one
. After seven fucking years, I was resigned to the fact that she was it. Then I hit you with my car, and wham! I feel like I was the one that got hit over the head that day. And then that night at Betty’s
… I knew I was in serious trouble then. I thought I did the right thing by letting you go that night. But then you showed up again and I realized I couldn’t let you go a second time.” He paused to take a deep breath, reflecting on his own perplexing behavior. “How can you fall for someone when you already supposedly love someone else? What type of person does that make me?”

I didn’t respond; he wasn’t asking me, anyway. He was asking himself.

He leaned forward, bending and placing both of his hands on his knees, like he had been defeated in a race. “You’ve completely turned my world upside down, Julia. I don’t know what the right thing is to do anymore.” To my satisfaction, he looked so sad; completely tormented about his “predicament.”

What do I say to that? He completely disarmed me again. My emotions turned from anger to sappy to sentimental to utter confusion. I wanted to be angry with him, but I couldn’t, because if I was honest with myself, I was relieved to have heard his words. In fact, I was shamefully elated to hear that I had turned his world upside down.

But instead of revealing the extent of my emotions, I said, “I’m confused, Ryan. Are you saying you want to be with me or with Catherine?”

“It’s
… complicated,” he said, his face tortured.

I was really beginning to hate that word now. Is there anything that
isn’t
complicated?

“Julia, I’ve known her almost my whole life. We’ve been through a lot together.”

“You’ve apparently made up your mind,” I said curtly and I could feel my heart breaking.

“Julia–we’re engaged.”

Whoosh!
All the air had just deflated from my lungs.
My eyes narrowed as I looked at him more closely. I thought this couldn’t get any worse. I was having an affair with my boss’s boyfriend
… no, scratch that, her fiancé.
I
was the other woman. I’d become the thing I hated most in other women. I probably won’t have a job by the end of the week, either.
Awesome.
The situation was getting so bad that I no longer knew how to react. It was so completely comical, I started laughing hysterically and threw my arms up in the air.

“Julia …” he said cautiously.

“You’re an asshole!” I interrupted him angrily. “I’m done! I’m not doing this with you!” I snapped. “No more excuses or lies.” I looked down the street and I could see Catherine looking at us from a distance. She was too far for me to read the expression on her face, but she started walking in our direction.
Fuck.
I paused a moment to compose myself.

“Julia–I don’t want to lose you,” Ryan begged desperately, his eyes wide and frightened. “Give me some time to work this through with Catherine. Please.” He implored me with his eyes.

Was he saying that he wanted some time to be able to choose between us? Or did he already choose? Was I willing to give him that time to be sure? What he did was so wrong; lying to me, lying to Catherine. Did I really want to throw this all away? I was too emotional right now to think through everything rationally. I needed some distance. I wasn’t sure how I felt about his dishonesty and whether or not I could work through that. I couldn’t figure that out right now. What I did know was that I had never experienced such a deep and soulful connection with another man as I had experienced with Ryan. I was falling in love with him, if I wasn’t already. And because of that, for once, I decided to go against my better judgment and not become the passive player I had been in the past. I wanted to settle things under my terms.

I stood up tall, grabbing both of his large, solid hands in mine and looking passionately into his pained and desperate blue eyes. “Figure it out, Ryan,” I said with conviction. “If you want to be with me, then
be with me
. Choose me. If you still have things to figure out with Catherine, then leave me the hell alone. I refuse to wait in the wings while you work things through with
… with your
fiancé
,” I continued bitterly. “I have way too much pride for that. Don’t talk to me again until you’ve decided wholeheartedly that you want to be
with me
.”

Ryan looked stricken and torn. Before he could say anything more, Catherine reached us. I glanced at her, but couldn’t bear the thought of facing her right now, especially when I’d obviously been crying, so I reached for my car door handle and this time Ryan didn’t block my way.

Before I shut my door, I heard Catherine cautiously ask, “What’s going on, Ryan?”

As I drove off, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw Ryan and Catherine staring at one another, both unmoving and uncertain of what was next.

I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I texted Anna and told her that I wasn’t feeling well. She bought my story that I was still too hungover and I was sorry to have to cancel brunch at the last minute.

I didn’t head home right away, but decided instead to go for a walk along the Elliott Bay waterfront. The clouds above resembled my mood, heavy with impending rain. I could smell the scent of ozone in the air just before I got drenched in the downpour. I didn’t care.

The trail started just below the Magnolia Bridge, following along the waterfront, and ending at Sculpture Park. If you kept going, you would eventually run into the touristy downtown Seattle waterfront. I liked running here because the little waves hit the rocks piled up along the beach, and there was something soothing and calming about the never-ending subtle sound of the ocean. It was rhythmic and constant, reliable and dependable. It was unlike the drama that had just unfolded in my life.

I’d always been so quick to end things. I could never bear the humiliation of trying to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. Anna and my mom always said I had too much pride and that’s why I never gave some men second chances. They said I always threw in the towel too soon. I disagreed, because I couldn’t name an instance where I threw in the towel early and things didn’t end up the way they inevitably would have. I just helped it along. Come to think of it, I think Ryan said essentially the same thing about how Andrew and I had ended our long term relationship so quickly. Granted, that relationship was doomed anyways, so I was right in the end.

I had always taken a little time to lick my wounds, but my goal was always to move on. After Andrew, moving on was in the form of finding a new job. This time, however, finding a new job wouldn’t take me away from my problems. This time it was part of the problem. I wasn’t sure what to do. I ran away from Ryan as fast as I could and now I didn’t know what to do next. My pride had been damaged one too many times. I couldn’t bear to face Catherine, either. Most of all, I just couldn’t face the fact that Ryan would probably choose her–beautiful, smart, confident, poised Catherine, a woman he’s known almost his whole life.

He said he needed some time to think through things. I never gave him the chance to say anything more, nor did I give him an opportunity to talk to me later under more calm circumstances. That was my pride getting in the way again. Maybe I should’ve agreed to meet him to talk it through, but I was too hurt and angry to really rationalize and process anything he had said.

I remembered him telling me that I turned his world upside down. He didn’t say that he wanted to be with me or that he would give up Catherine to do so. Thus, my only conclusion was that I was just a diversion. He must have cold feet. Anyone who waited seven years to marry someone was suffering from a long term case of it. He once called her “part of the scenery.” You can’t marry the scenery. It would be a tragedy for someone as wonderful and brilliant as Ryan to settle and merely enjoy the view.

It didn’t feel like he was treating me like a diversion, though. All the time we spent together felt sincere and his feelings seemed so genuine. Was he really that good and I was a fool, or could he have really been falling in love with me? He sounded so upset and regretful this morning when he called to cancel. Maybe he
was
telling the truth. I really wanted to believe him. From the moment I met him, it felt different than any other relationship I had ever been in. I was happier somehow with him than I could remember being with anyone. When the two of us were together, it felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist. The connection between us wasn’t imagined. Or maybe in the aftermath of Andrew, I wanted to feel love again so badly that perhaps I imagined his feelings for me. It all happened so quickly. That must’ve been the reason.

He grew up with Catherine and I couldn’t help wondering how long they’d known each other—since childhood? Middle school? Perhaps they were high school sweethearts. I wished I knew more about their history, and at the same time, I didn’t want to think about him being with her. Had I agreed to discuss things with him, maybe I would’ve learned more about it.

I couldn’t help thinking about Jake at this moment. Maybe Ryan was another Jake. Catherine was his comfort, his longtime companion, and he had chosen to marry her despite the lack of passion. Maybe that’s what you do after being with someone for so long; you eventually marry because that’s what everyone expects. You give up on the fireworks and the butterflies in your stomach. You wimp out.

Would Ryan choose to take a leap of faith and go the less certain route? I’d like to think that I could offer him love and companionship, and if our kisses were any indication, there was definitely no shortage of physical chemistry.

Then it hit me. Andrew chose the latter of these two options. It never occurred to me before, but Andrew left the security of our very comfortable relationship. I was always the safe bet. Andrew did what I was hoping Ryan would have the courage to do. When Andrew broke up with me, it really wasn’t about me. It was about going after the love of his life. He had found
the one
, and it wasn’t me. He wanted his stars and butterflies and he took the leap.

I couldn’t be angry with Andrew anymore for the choices he had made. I couldn’t blame him since I encouraged Ryan to do the same thing. Being unfaithful to me was wrong, but I wouldn’t be so quick to judge anymore. If Ryan hadn’t done what he had done, would he even be contemplating this choice? Probably not.

Regardless of his decision, I had another dilemma I needed to process. I was screwed at work. I had become the byproduct of an office affair, only my situation was worse. The woman being cheated on was not a stay at home mom or a wife whom I would never see or meet; she was my direct manager.
Just my luck.
Could it honestly get any worse?

How will I be able to show my face at work again? Maybe I should call in sick. But since I’m already taking Thursday and Friday off for Anna’s wedding, and having just started this job, I can’t take a whole week off work.

Since I wasn’t in Ryan’s direct chain of command, I didn’t think MS had the right to fire me for this. At the same time, I dreaded what would certainly be a discussion with HR. They may reprimand me or maybe put it in my file. Regardless, I’ll have to leave the team, because I couldn’t imagine Catherine leaving her job for this. She was the established legacy on the team, not me.

How would this be explained to my teammates? Oh, the thought of this getting out was beyond mortifying. Crap, Stephanie Wheeler will soon know about this. I can just see her now, looking down and possibly even lecturing Ryan for getting involved in such a mess. I was such a freakin’ idiot.

I could just quit, I guess. But I didn’t want to give him or anyone else the satisfaction. Plus, that’s the last thing I wanted to have happen. I have, or had, a really good career here and it paid well. I was considered a senior at level 62 and for someone who was only twenty-nine years old, I was doing quite well for MS standards.

There was no good ending to this. I was angry with Ryan for even putting me in this situation. As the more powerful and older influence, he should’ve made better decisions both with my career
… and my heart. If I was completely honest with myself, despite his error in judgment and his dishonesty, I was still crazy about him. I had been falling in love with him and I couldn’t just shut it off. If he said he wanted to be with me right now, I would say yes in a heartbeat. For once, I would put all my pride and judgment aside, no doubt about it.