Neel Dervin and the Dark Angel (36 page)

CHAPTER 15: Recklessly, Stupidly, Completely

On the following Monday night, Neel was sitting on the floor in his room with the lights
turned off. It was the one place where he felt completely safe those days, shut away from the
rest of the world while he tried to deal with his chaotic thoughts. The very faint light coming
from the streetlamp outside was sufficient for his eyes. On his bed lay the Alpha soldier
uniform. The mask was on top of his pillow. He had been told to bring it back to Swan Labs
tomorrow. While he continued to be worsted by his condition, the project was being wrapped
up.

As he sat in the near darkness, he was realizing the full magnitude of how completely
and utterly he had failed. He had failed Doctor Fahim. He had failed his trainers. He had
failed his country. He had failed everyone who had tried to help him. Even if he continued to
go to Swan Labs for therapy, his life as an Alpha soldier was over, mere months after it had
begun.

Mehta would walk away free. He had been detained in the country by the government
because of some past evidence that they were trying to stall him with, but tomorrow was the
last day they could stop him. After that, he would pay the fine for illegal possession of land
and then leave the country, and most probably go to some secret location to carry out
whatever he had planned.

And Neel could not stop him.

Despair gave way to a rising sense of impotent fury. Feelings that he had tried to ignore
ever since his last, failed mission came to the front. What was the use of so much power
when he could not use it? He was the most powerful human on the planet, and yet was
completely useless! All the time and resources the government had invested in training him
had been a giant waste. He had met Mehta only once, and had come away from the encounter
a broken shell of helplessness.

And why?

 

Because he couldn‟t get over something that had happened almost a year ago.

There was no one to blame but himself. They had all been helpful. Even General Bakshi.
If he hadn‟t told Arjun to watch over him on his missions, Neel would have died that night.
Doctor Fahim had worked with him for hours every day. They were all doing what they
could. He was the problem. All the opportunities he had been given, and he couldn‟t get over
a stupid memory.

His thoughts became darker as his mind shifted to the past year, to all that had happened
since the accident. That day, that one moment, had been the turning point. As he recalled the
moment, which seemed a life time ago, he realized it had changed him in much deeper ways
than simply the effects of the serum. In ways that he could not fully comprehend even now.

Perspective. The word suddenly appeared in his head, and he found himself thinking
about what Mr. Pratap Dayal had said to them at the guest lecture. He had listened hard then,
and his memory ensured he remembered every word. That was the word that Mr. Dayal had
used. What was necessary in life was the right perspective. He had told them to look within,
and ask themselves honest questions which would show what was truly important in their
lives. Serious introspection would help them understand the situations they found themselves
in.

Neel gazed at the uniform lying on his bed. He knew what was most important right
now. And despite the way he was feeling, he knew that the real problemwasn‟t really about
him. Stopping Mehta was the top priority. The mission he had been on was wasn‟t a practice
session the military had set up for him. There had been a good reason why they had sent their
most powerful, most secret weapon against Alok Mehta. Whatever he was planning was on a
very large and dangerous scale, and meeting him once had been enough to understand why
the government took the threat so seriously. Those disturbingly impassive eyes that seemed to
know so much more than was possible…

His mind was going in a circle again. What was the use of these thoughts? He could not
stop Mehta. He could not do anything in his condition. Useless and futile as he had become,
he was not an Alpha soldier anymore. That was why he was hiding here, in what seemed the
only safe place left in the world.

But was that the real reason? The question presented itself to him, and Neel suddenly
stopped breathing. Was that really why he was avoiding the world?

 

Or was it because he had accepted his failure, and was now thinking of the next step in
his life, and the thought of suicide did not scare him anymore?

This was what it had come to. Almost a year after the accident had spared his life, he
was thinking about giving it up on his own. And that was the reason for the black depression
that consumed him.

But t
hen why didn‟t he do it? He had thought about it often enough in the past few days.
He had contemplated ways and means. It had served as a dark kind of amusement in the
twilight hours between staying awake and depressed before giving in to the nightmares in his
sleep.

Then why hadn‟t he done it already?

Because… Neel buried his face in his hands as he
finally admitted what seemed to him
the biggest proof of his stupidity. Because he had still not given up hope. Somewhere deep
inside him a stubborn grain of optimism remained that refused to admit he had lost.
Something inside him persisted in believing he could still somehow win, and so persisted in
prolonging the misery. A part of him, beaten and trampled underneath the weight of his
disorder, still did not want to give up on life. Doctor Fahim had called it the greatest waste in
the world. And he did not want that to be his case. He did not want to go out this way. He still
remembered the days when he had been happy. He wanted to see life beyond what he felt at
present. He wanted to see it for all that it could one day be.

But what was the use of such futile wishes? It turned out he had been right at the
beginning, that first night back home. All those doubts he had had about his abilities. He had
questioned whether he was good enough, and now he knew. It was exactly what he had
realized that night. Nothing he had done before in his life had prepared him for this
experience. He was not equipped to deal with what he was going through now. His training at
Swan labs had not prepared him either. All those hours in the hall. On the field. In the control
room. All it had done…

…All it had done was to teach him how to fight.

His breathing stopped again as he stared at the mask. A seemingly ordinary piece of
cloth lying innocently on top of his pillow. It had been a symbol of the government‟s trust in
him. It had been a symbol of the skilled fighter he had become after much hard work. But
what was the use of that skill now? He had been forced into a situation where the fight was
taking place in his head. And it was already over. He had lost. Repeatedly.

Suddenly Neel heard an explosion downstairs, breaking him out of his brooding reverie
with an abrupt start. He stiffened, and the next moment was racing down the stairs. His
mother was in the kitchen making food, and the TV was tuned to a news channel.

The reporter on the screen was hiding behind a police car. The camera showed brief
images from behind the car of a scene of the outside of a bank, where several men holding
rifles were shouting at a group of police officers.

“…and so the police and the robbers seem to have a standoff.” t
he reporter shouted into
the shaking camera. “The culprits are said to have highly advanced weapons, and the police
force is very small. The fight is becoming more dangerous every second. But as usual, human
tragedy is drawing many spectators who can‟t seem to understand the danger to their own
lives.”

Neel stood staring at the screen. The emotions coursing through him were too deep for
words. His thoughts were in turmoil. His mother, his friends, Doctor Fahim. Everyone was
telling him to be patient. Everyone was telling him to stay safe.

But he did not want to be patient any longer. He could not take another day of revisiting
those memories. Of feeling the crippling fear. Of disappointing everyone around him. He
could not take any more of a life that everyday became more of a burden that could not be
borne any longer.

If the fight in his head could be given physical form…
Something concrete that he could
finally take a definitive stand against. Then he would know. Then he could decide once and
for all, beyond any personal hopes or doubts, what kind of a grip the phobia had on him.

And Neel was suddenly filled with recklessness. It was a product of months of
suppressed emotions, of being held back and self ostracized. He knew none of his well
wishers would agree with him. But he was past caring. It was time to decide, one way or
another, where his life was going.

“Mom?” Neel called out. “I have to go… get my library book from Aryan.”

 

His mother appeared in the doorway of the kitchen with a frown. She looked at the
clock. “It‟s almost 8: 30. Can‟t you wait till tomorrow?”

 

“No, it‟s really urgent.
Please
,mom.” Neel said.“It won‟t take more than an hour.”
His mother sighed. “Very well. Be as quick as you can.”

 

Neel had already started walking before she had completed her sentence.

“
Neel?” He turned. His mother was staring at him strangely. She had seen something in
his expression. A hardness that had never been there before. It frightened her without her
knowing why. She pushed the unreasonable feeling aside. Their part of the colony was quiet
safe, and they had often gone out visiting even later at night and returned safely. “Be
careful.” she said finally.

Neel nodded. Then he turned and strode up to his room.

 

* * *

Doctor Fahim was sitting in his room, sunk in thought. The government finally had
enough evidence to search Phlicer lab. But all through this operation, Mehta had been a step
ahead of them, and he was afraid Mehta knew exactly what they were planning and was
ready. Then there was the matter of the traitor. General Bakshi had admitted that, despite
their careful investigations, the sheer magnitude of people Project Alpha involved made
rooting out the spy an impossible task. The soldiers who were in charge of the daily
maintenance of Swan Labs. The people who supplied them the equipment and built the
tunnels. The technicians at secretariat where the project had first evolved. Any one of them
could have heard or seen something that Mehta could have found out in exchange for a fee.
The Minister of Defense had even suggested Divya be pulled off the case. But Doctor Fahim
had refused to consider it. He knew Divya was not the traitor. This whole business was
becoming uglier every day, with everyone feeling wary and unable to trust each other
completely. Mehta had them all pointing fingers at each other without even leaving his office.
If he were to getaway…

But that could not be allowed that to happen at any cost. There was too much at stake for
everyone involved.

 

His reverie was interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone. He picked up the phone and
saw it was a call from Neel.

 

“Good evening, Neel. Is there a problem?” Doctor Fahim asked.

“It‟s okay.
I can handle it.” Neel said. He sounded different. Older. “I just wanted to
say… I‟m sorry. Icould‟ve done so much more that I didn‟t. And for so long, I didn‟t even
understand.I still don‟t, not all of it,but I think I‟m beginning to get a better idea of it all.”

“What do you mean?” Doctor Fahim asked, his brow furrowed.

There was a short pause at the other end.
“You know, when you‟re a kid, you think the
whole world revolves around you.” Neel‟s voice was very quiet. “I didn‟t even realize it at
the time.You don‟t try to think fromanyone else‟s perspective. You don‟t realize everyone
else have their own lives to live. That there are things that are important to them, and stuff
they have to deal with, too.”

“I‟m afraid I don‟t understand what you mea
n.” Doctor Fahim said gently.
“I‟ve been trying to fightthis memory for so long.” Neel said. “It changed me so much,
just thinking about it. … You know, I thought I had limits. Things that I thought I‟d never do
because they‟re justwrong. But now…I‟ve done so many things I‟m ashamed of. God, there
areso many things I‟ve done that I wish I could take back.” His voice had begun to shake.
“But I can‟t. And now I know what it feels like whenyou don‟t have a choice. I know what
it‟s like to do something you don‟t want to, but you do it anyway, because all the choices you
have are bad ones. The General made his choices. You made yours. So did Divya, and Arjun,
and all the others. And now I have to make my own. And even though I know they‟ll end up
hurting people, I have to do it anyway. It was stupid of me to think there could have been an
ending where everyone was safe and unhurt. That‟s not possible.”

“
Neel,you must not give up hope.” Dr Fahim said forcefully.“You have absolutely
nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing, you hear me? We all have our Achilles heel no matter
how powerful we believe we are. But we have to believe we can overcome our problems
someday.”

“It just seems like such a waste, you know…
If you look back and see the mistakes
you‟ve made, it makes you feel like you‟ve wasted something important… and it won‟t ever
come back.”

“It is not a waste if you learn from it.” Doctor Fahim said quietly.

 

“Yeah… Well… that‟s all I wanted to say... Goodbye.”

“Goodbye
, Neel. Take care.” Dr Fahim said heavily, ringing off. Vaguely, it occurred to
him that Neel had said goodbye instead of goodnight, and he had followed suit. He would not
be able to continue like this without finally snapping under the pressure. The doctor sank
back into his reverie.

* * *

Neel stood atop a building opposite the bank. Police lights flashed and sirens wailed
around him, almost drowning out all the shouting. The journey up to that point had been a
nightmare. He had not trained for months. The flashbacks had plagued him all through the
journey. Every honk of a horn, every squeal of a tire had sent fresh chills up his spine. He had
tried to avoid roads as much as possible. The distractions had caused him to stumble several
times. He had fallen three times during climbing and once hit his head hard enough on a roof
railing to break the concrete. It was insane. Recklessly, stupidly, completely insane.