Neel Dervin and the Dark Angel (31 page)

While crimes continued around him, Neel remained helpless. The life he had imagined
at the beginning of this whole experience; the life of a hero, of a soldier, was barely even a
memory now. Feelings of guilt and uselessness at what he had become plagued him. He kept
his problem a secret from his mother and friends, determined not to worry them again like he
had after the accident. This was his personal battle to fight. But he was losing steadily. Every
day he resolved to work harder on therapy, and yet his condition continued to worsen. Doctor
Fahim assured him that the beginning was always the hardest, and that time would show
some improvement. It was the small and only ray of hope for Neel to find in those days.

Divya watched Neel trudge out of Doctor
Fahim‟s office one day, three weeks after
therapy had begun. He was sunk too deeply in his own depressing thoughts to notice her, and
made his way down slowly to where Arjun waited to take him home. Divya watched the
hunched figure trailing down the corridor and was filled with sadness. He was so young to
have developed a condition that broke the spirit of even the most hardened army veterans.
She still could not rid herself of guilt at not finding out about his condition sooner. She
opened the door to DoctorFahim‟s office and looked inside. The doctor was sitting at his
desk with his chin resting on his clasped hands, deep in thought.

“Yes, Divya?” he asked, breaking out of his reverie as he saw her face in the doorway.

 

“I‟m sorry for interrupting, sir. Are you busy?” she asked.

 

“Yes.” Doctor Fahim said with a sigh as he leaned back. “But with thoughts that are
unlikely to be of any use. How can I help you?”

 

“How is Neel doing, sir?” she asked, stepping into the room.

“Very bad
ly.” DoctorFahim said quietly, and Divya‟s heart plummeted. She knew the
doctor rarely shared negative opinions outright, only when there was absolutely no other
option. “His problem is a curious one, with very curious circumstances surrounding it. And
considering who the patient is, and how differently his mind works from normal, the situation
is even more convoluted.” He noticed her stricken expression and gave a small, encouraging
smile. “But it is still quite early to give a definite prognosis. All hope is not lost yet. We still
have several other methods left to try, like hypnotherapy and EMDR. Perhaps they will be
more effective.”

“Actually
, sir,that‟s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Divya said, drawing out a
notebook from her pocket. “I was going through some sites on the internet, trying to find
something that could help Neel with his problem.”

“And?”

“There are some drugs which
people suffering from PTSD use.” Divya flipped through
the list she had made. “They‟re supposed to be helpful. There‟s Citalopram, Escitalopram,
Fluoxetine, Lamictal”

“And
Paroxetine and Sertraline and Depakote” DoctorFahim supplied. “Thank you,
Divya, but I am already aware of these drugs, and I have decided not to introduce Neel to
them yet.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Those drugs are not a
guaranteed cure, but rather a last resort.” Doctor Fahim said.
“The only cure for PTSD that is assured to produce results is psychotherapy. He already has
an immensely powerful serum at work inside him. We have no idea how his enhanced
physiology will respond to antidepressants. I would like to explore the option of therapy
thoroughly before we begin stuffing pills down the child‟s throat.”

Divya nodded. “Then I‟ll try to find out some other way to help him with thetherapy.”

“And be sure to tell me as well.”
DoctorFahim said. “After all these year, my own
knowledge may bea trifle rusty.” Divya nodded, and they sat in silence for a moment,
looking at each other.

“Do you think it can be done, sir?” she blurted outsuddenly. “Do you think he will be
cured one day?”

Doctor Fahim was silent for a long time as he stared out the window of the office. He
sighed, and suddenly looked very tired when he faced her again, as though her question had
aged him several years. Divya had never seen him look so weary, and this sudden
transformation frightened her.

“How many cases of PTSD are
ever completely cured?” Doctor Fahim asked her
quietly.“How many of the patients are able to continue completely normally with their lives?
And the illness affects children even worse than adults.” Doctor Fahim looked grim now.
“No. After all that Neel has been through, I don‟t think he will ever recover completely. But
it is our duty to help him deal with it as wellas we can. After that,” Doctor Fahim shrugged.
“Who knows? Strange things have happened, and he may surprise us yet.”

Divya nodded soberly. The doctor had confirmed her own fears. And yet she knew he
was right. “I‟m still going to see if I can find some wayto help him.”

 

“Good.” Doctor Fahim nodded. “We must not abandon hope. Perhaps he will turn the
corner eventually.” But he did not sound very hopeful.

 

* * *

Time moved forward fitfully. There were nights when it seemed to come to stop
altogether, as Neel lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling, trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep.
There were days when it seemed to fly by in an indifferent haze. Christmas came in a sudden
rush. He forgot to get his mother a present. They went to church. The hushed atmosphere of
the cathedral was very soothing, and Neel felt peace steal over him as they sang hymns. But
then the pastor began the sermon over a microphone for the benefit of the people at the back,
and Neel, who was sitting near the speakers, had to spend the rest of the service gritting his
teeth and wincing at every deafeningly magnified exclamation of the vigorously delivered
sermon. The rest of the day passed quietly. New year came and went. And still there was no
improvement in Neel‟s condition.

It was easier for Neel to be with his friends those days. Ever since his disastrous failed
mission, his life at swan labs had changed completely. He was no longer the secret weapon
the government was developing, but the boy with the mental problem who needed help. The
discovery of his phobia had destroyed the image of invulnerability that had been forming
unconsciously in his mind. All the training and strength and speed he had discovered at swan
labs was still there, but now it was buried under the weight of his phobia. Now his time at
swan labs was spent trying to master his problem. There was no more training and no more
missions. School and hanging out with Aryan and Priyanka was when he could forget his
problems, when everything that had happened in the secret part of his life receded. He trusted
Doctor Fahim and hoped he would eventually help him overcome his phobia. Until then he
had no choice but to be patient and concentrate on his personal life.

On Wednesday, more than a month after the last mission, Neel sat on the wall adjoining
his house and Priyanka‟s along with his two best friends. These were the few times these
days that he could recapture the light heartedness that he had rarely felt since the last mission.
The kitten they had found was with them. There had been no report for a missing cat, and
after taking care of the kitten for a week, Priyanka had convinced her parents to keep it. Now
Aryan and Priyanka were in the middle of an argument that they had had several times
before.

“That cat of yours is too fat!” Aryan said accusingly, pointing at the kitten.

 

“Stop saying that. He is not fat. Heneeds food to grow right now.” Priyanka said
defensively.

The three stared at the kitten, which Priyanka had named Resham. It had certainly
recovered well from its injuries. The patches of bare skin had grown glossy fur which was
brushed regularly. Under her attentive care, the kitten had more than bloomed. It was now fed
daily on a diet of meat and milk and butter, as well as other assorted canned and dry food
products. Its skinny frame had filled out to the point that it bulged at every possible point.
The kitten was also averse to exercise and spent what time it wasn‟t eating in sleep.

“You know, maybe if you took it for a run sometimes…” Neel offered mildly.

 

“I‟m telling you, it‟s just baby fat.” Priyanka protested. “There‟s nothing wrong with its
health. It‟s as fit as any other cat its age.”

“Oh
,yeah? Watch this.” Aryan said. He took away the piece of cheese that Priyanka had
brought which the kitten had been eating. The kitten immediately let out a protesting whine
and waddled after the cheese. Aryan placed it on the ledge on which they were sitting. The
kitten managed to hang onto the edge with its front feet but could not get any further. It
dangled off the edge, its fat bottom wriggling along with its tail as it tried to climb on.

“See?” Aryan said, grinning, as the kitten continued its efforts, meowing loudly, while
Neel shook with laughter.

 

Priyanka frowned, snatching the piece of cheese from its high perch and giving it back
to the kitten. It settled back on its snack, puffing slightly from the exertion.

 

“It just needs time to get itsstrength back.” she told Aryan coldly.

 

“It needs exercise.” Aryan said, rolling his eyes. “All food and no play turns kitty into a
little fatty. Do you want the other cats to laugh at it?”

 

“We should get Prince to chase it around a little.” Neel said, grinning, while the frown
on Priyanka‟s forehead deepened.

 

“I know, it was scared off by dogs the first time we saw it, it‟s probably terrified of them
now.” Aryan added.

The smile on Neel
‟s face disappeared. He blushed deeply and averted his face from his
friends, staring hard at the kitten. Aryan looked at him in puzzlement. Priyanka also sensed
something was wrong, but she could not think what it was. They did not know that Neel‟s
heart was hammering loudly as he stared at the kitten. He knew the fear it must have felt after
being chased by those dogs, and what a deep impression the fear might have left… The fear
he himself had felt, and the subsequent feelings of despair, guilt and frustration at his own
helplessness so intense he felt like taking his own life rather than continue to live with those
feelings...

Neel sat up straighter, determinedly pushing the idea aside. Lately his thoughts had
been turning in that direction more and more often, especially on the nights after the
nightmares and the feelings of frustration overwhelmed him. And the worst part, when it
entered his numbed brain, was how welcome the idea seemed.

Aryan and Priyanka tried to restart the conversation, but the lightly teasing atmosphere
was gone. Neel rarely spoke for the rest of the evening. Finally, since it was growing darker,
Aryan decided to leave, and Priyanka also had chores to do. The three said goodbye and left,
Aryan taking his cycle from Neel‟s verandah. Neel went back slowly to his room. Without
bothering to turn on the light, he slumped down in a corner of the room, his head buried his
hands.

* * *

Three days later, Neel entered the main building of Swan Labs to find Negi and Premi
standing in the lobby with bags lying on the floor next to them. They turned to greet him and
Arjun.

“Well, kid.” Negisaid with a sigh. “I‟m afraid this is it for us.”

 

“You guys are going?” Neel stared at them in shock.“Where?”

“Our regiments need us back.” Premi said quietly. “This was always meant to be a
temporary arrangement. Now we have to get back to our normal duties.” He extended his
hand. “It‟s been a real pleasure knowing you, Neel.” he said with a warm smile. “And I‟ll
pray that you get better soon.”

“I‟m sure he will.”
Negi said confidently, clapping Neelon his back. “I‟ve seen you do
so many amazing, impossible things that this will be a piece of cake. Just remember,
whenever it seems that the therapy is too hard, that the problem is all in your head. And if
you can control the speed at which your brain works, you can control this too.”

Neel nodded and gave a small smile, even as his heart plummeted. Negi and Premi
collected the bags and made their way outside to the shed which led to the underground
tunnels. Neel felt a mixture of emotions welling up within, threatening to spill out. He knew
the real reason Negi and Premi were leaving. They had been brought in to train him, and now
the government had realized there was no point in doing so anymore. More so at that moment
than ever before he felt useless, and a complete waste of all the time and effort they had all
put into him.

They reached the shed and stopped outside. Negi and Premi shook hands with Arjun.
“It‟s been an honor, gentlemen.” Arjun smiled. “General Bakshi chose well when he selected
you two for the project. All the best for the future.”

“The same to you, Captain.”
Negi said with a smile. “Take care of our pal over here.”
He turned to Neel. “One last handshake before the parting, kid? Let‟s say good bye like real
soldiers!Keep your hand firm and strong, now.”

Neel shook both their hands again. He tried to keep smiling, but he could not stop the
tears from coming into his eyes again even as he tried desperately to stop them. “Sorry.” he
muttered thickly, looking down. “It‟s nothing. I cry all the time. It‟ll stop on its own in a
minute.” He stepped back a bit, blinking rapidly and blushing with embarrassment. But then
the three men who had trained him for so long strode forward and pulled him into a hug. He
hugged them back tightly, forgetting his strength for a moment as his shoulders began to
shake in earnest. He felt as though he was losing vital parts of what had kept him strong
through this whole experience. They stayed together for several moments before slowly
drawing back.

“Sorry.” Neel repeated, his eyes now mercifully dry. He cleared his throat.“I cry way too
much. Always have.”

“Neel
.” Negi placed his hand on his shoulders and gazed at him intently. His eyes were
for once completely serious as he spoke steadily. “This will be over one day. You will get
better. We know this, because we know how strong you are, and how strong your will power
is. It‟s why we all worked so hardto train you.”