Nameless (63 page)

Seth chuckled
and knelt down beside her. “Did you want a kiss too?” He leaned over and gave
her a kiss, which made his daughter giggle and hug herself in excitement.

She then
demanded a kiss from Erin as well, and when she’d gotten that, she scampered
around the room screaming happily—alternating between her toys, the ottoman for
one of the chairs that she evidently decided was hers, and the glass doors onto
the wide balcony.

“Do you think
she even knows why she should be excited?” Erin asked wryly, glancing over at Seth
and wishing for Mackenzie's naptime—since kissing Seth earlier had given her
some very particular ideas.

Seth shook his
head. “Of course not, but she knows that
we’re
excited.”

After a
lingering look at Seth, Erin decided that sadly it was too early to put Mackenzie
down for her nap yet. So she shook herself off and said, “Pumpkin? Did you want
to watch a movie on our new couch?”

Mackenzie
definitely understood the word “movie.” Erin tried not to let her daughter
watch too much TV yet, so the activity remained something special. Mackenzie
adored watching the half-hour, toddler shows that were ostensibly supposed to
teach as well as entertain.

Mackenzie
squealed again in delight at this unexpected treat and planted herself squarely
in the middle of the floor, her eyes fixed up on the blank TV screen.

Seth scooped
her up. “We’ll be more comfortable on the couch,” he suggested, carrying her
over and setting her up beside him in the middle of the sofa.

All three of
them watched one of Mackenzie’s little shows, and Erin waited impatiently for
naptime, during which she was hoping to spend some quality time with Seth
alone. It was the first weekend in a month that Seth had been home in the
middle of the day on a Saturday, and Erin was planning to take advantage of
it—in every possible way.

Mackenzie
watched the television mesmerized, while she ate some crackers Erin brought
over for her and drank juice from one of her sippy cups.

When the DVD
was over, Erin asked, “Are you ready for your nap, Mackenzie?”

Mackenzie
screwed her face into a scowl. “No.”

Erin nodded at
her daughter soberly. “Okay. We can play for ten more minutes. Then it will be
naptime.”

Mackenzie half-crawled,
half-toppled off the couch. Then she started wobbling around, trying to sing at
the top of her lungs one of the songs from the DVD. She was obviously getting
tired, and her excited high was about to wear out.

She was going
to need her nap very soon.

Erin was hoping
to get her to bed before the crabbiness she knew would follow such an overload
of exuberance started to emerge.

They talked and
played with Mackenzie for nine more minutes, until Erin stood up and said to Seth,
“I’m going to the bathroom. See if she’s done with her crackers. And then it
will be naptime.” She looked over at Mackenzie significantly. “Naptime.”

Mackenzie’s red
face started to contort into another scowl.

Erin left the
room to go to the bathroom, fantasizing that Seth would have talked their
daughter into peaceful submission before she returned.

Naptime usually
wasn't a problem. Mackenzie liked her little routine, and she liked making them
happy. But today had included some unusual excitement—plus the added
stimulation of Seth's having spent the day with them—so Mackenzie wasn't going
to think her nap was as desirable as normal.

No one liked to
miss out on the fun.

Erin didn’t
hear any screaming as she made her way back to the family room a few minutes
later. She hoped that was a good sign.

Then she heard Seth’s
clear voice, as she approached the doorway, “You said you were done with your
crackers. So we need to put them up.”

“No!”

Erin sighed
resignedly, preparing herself for the inevitable. Too much stimulation plus too
much fatigue were the perfect conditions for a temper-fit.

She paused in
the doorway. Saw Seth leaning over in front of a very grumpy Mackenzie. His
hand was extended for the plastic container of crackers she clung to
stubbornly.

“Mackenzie,” Seth
said again—his voice calm and firm. “I didn’t ask you a question. It’s time to
give me the crackers.”

“No,” Mackenzie
mumbled again, her face getting redder as her little body started to shake.

Even from the
doorway, Erin could see Seth let out a long breath. Then he murmured, “Mackenzie.”
With an obvious warning in the one word, he reached for the container of
crackers.

Erin could see
what was going to happen, even before it actually occurred. She could see the
rebellious intention on her daughter’s face, could see conscious defiance in
the set of her jaw. So she knew what was coming next, even before the toddler
willfully flung the container on the floor at Seth’s feet, spilling the
crackers out onto the floor.

Mackenzie
wasn’t crying or screaming, but her little chin was sticking out
stubbornly—just like Erin’s always did.

Erin was almost
holding her breath now, felt like she was watching the most intense kind of
movie, as she waited to see what would happen.

Seth’s quiet
expression didn’t change. He squatted down until he was on Mackenzie’s level. Picked
up the empty container she had thrown down and set it neatly on the rug. “Pick
up time.”

Mackenzie
stared at him with mulish eyes, but her mouth was starting to tremble now.

“Pick up time. I’ll
help,” Seth continued gravely. He put one cracker in the bowl, dropping it so
that it made a loud plunk in the plastic container. Then he picked up another cracker,
repeating the same gesture. “Mackenzie, pick up time.”

For a moment, Erin
thought Mackenzie was going to cave. Her little face relaxed a little as
curiosity got the better of her in watching Seth drop the crackers in.

But then she
saw Erin standing in the doorway. She whimpered and started stumbling toward
her. “Momma,” she mumbled pathetically. “Momma.” When she reached Erin, she
clung to her leg.

Erin squatted
down to return her daughter’s hug briefly, but then she stood up. Took Mackenzie
by the hand and led her back to Seth, who was still kneeling on the floor.

Instead of
snatching her baby up and squeezing her into another hug, which is what she
really wanted to do, Erin released Mackenzie’s hand. “Your daddy said it was
pick up time."

Then Erin
backed off. Looked at Seth, who was still watching Mackenzie quietly.

He picked up
another cracker and dropped it into the container. "Pick up time."

With a loud
sniff, Mackenzie plopped her bottom onto the floor and fisted a cracker with
one of her hands. Then dropped the crumbling cracker into the container, just
like Seth had.

“That’s right,”
Seth said, nodding at her encouragingly. “Pick up time.”

She picked up
another cracker. This one stuck to her hand so she had to wriggle her fingers
to get it to fall into the container. One by one, she kept picking them up, a
look of trembling concentration on her face. Seth kept picking them up too, so
soon all the crackers were back in the container.

Seth snapped
the lid onto the container and pulled himself up to his feet. “Very good,” he
announced, a warmer edge in his voice. “We picked them all up. Thank you.”

Mackenzie
wobbled to her feet and stared up at him. “Kers.”

Seth nodded,
smiling a little, although the expression on his face was oddly shaky now. “Yes.
We picked up the crackers. Thank you. Good job.”

Mackenzie
suddenly crumbled. She burst into tears. Clung to Seth’s leg in a desperate,
urgent hug.

Seth knelt down
again and pulled Mackenzie into his arms, holding her tightly, urgently, and
then picking her up as he stood. “Good job,” he kept murmuring. “Good job.”

Mackenzie
sobbed and clutched at his shirt, until the brief storm had faded into little
gurgles and gasps. Erin could hear her choking out, “Dada” and “ots.”

Erin managed to
pull herself together by the time Seth finally released their daughter, telling
her “good job” and “thank you” one more time.

Seth’s
expression was so tense now that Erin knew he needed a minute alone, so she
wiped Mackenzie’s cheeks and asked, “Are you ready for your nap now?”

Mackenzie
bobbed her head several times.

Erin avoided Seth’s
eyes, knowing he didn’t want her to pry right now, but she squeezed his
shoulder gently before she left to take Mackenzie into the nursery.

There, instead
of putting Mackenzie into the crib immediately, she pulled her into her arms
and cradled her in her lap in the rocker—just as she’d wanted to do earlier. Stroking
the messy red hair, Erin kissed and cuddled her, murmuring out a lot of
nonsense that she prayed no one else would ever hear.

Mackenzie
babbled incoherently for a while, too tired to make a lot of sense. Until she
looked up at Erin’s face and pronounced distinctly, “Kers.”

Erin nodded. “Yes.
Crackers. You got mad and threw the crackers. So you had to pick them up.” She
had absolutely no idea how much her daughter understood. Sometimes, it felt
like she didn’t understand very much. But sometimes, like now, she seemed to
understand everything.

Nodding
subduedly, Mackenzie repeated, “Kers.”

Then she
snuggled back against Erin’s chest. “Momma,” she mumbled.

“Mommy loves
you. Lots and lots.” She squeezed her and kissed one of her cheeks.

“Ots,” Mackenzie
repeated happily, trying to squeeze Erin too.

“Yes. Lots and
lots. Mommy and daddy love you lots and lots.”

Erin was about
to take her to the crib when Mackenzie said, “Ots. Dada.” Her eyes looked huge
and perfectly round.

Erin managed to
answer what she took to be a question, “Yes. Daddy loves you. Lots and lots and
lots.”

Mackenzie
mumbled something incoherent and contented. She was about to fall asleep, so Erin
ended the extended hug and lowered her into the crib.

She really
hoped Seth was all right.

She’d seen his
expression when he was holding Mackenzie and telling her she’d done a good job.
Erin had seen his eyes, had known how to read them.

And she
wondered—not for the first time—if anyone had ever told him the same thing.

She hoped it
was soon enough to find him now, and so she went back through the apartment,
glancing around until she found him still in the sunroom.

He was slouched
on the sofa, his head leaning back against the sofa and his eyes closed.

“Hey,” she
murmured, approaching him and doing her best not to pull him into a hug and
cradle him the way she’d done with Mackenzie. “Okay?”

“I'm not in
danger of having a breakdown, if that's what you mean,” Seth replied, opening
his eyes and giving her his half-smile.

Erin was so
glad to see that smile. The clench in her stomach relaxed.

“Although I
wish I hadn’t...” he began, frowning and looking exhausted again.  “She’s so
tiny. And maybe she’s too young to really understand. I shouldn’t have...” His
voice trailed off and he closed his eyes again, something like guilt on his
face.

Deciding she
was allowed now to put her arms around him, Erin did so, kissing him softly on
the side of the jaw. “You were great. Perfect. Of course, she’s tiny, but kids
mature at different rates. She's pretty smart. I think she understood.”

Seth looked
over at her, giving her the opportunity to press a kiss on the side of his
mouth. “Do you think so? I thought she knew what she was doing. I can recognize
conscious defiance when I see it. But then she started to cry so much, and I
thought maybe I’d just scared her and she didn’t understand why.”

“I think she
did,” Erin assured him, pressing up against him. “She was just crying because
she was tired and she’d gone through too much emotion. It’s hard to tell
exactly how much, but she at least understood some of it. She was telling me
about it in the nursery.”

A warm glint
awoke in his eyes. “Was she? What was she saying?”

Erin grinned
and massaged the back of his neck with one of her hands. “She was telling me
about the crackers. And then she was making sure that you still loved her.”

At this, Seth’s
brows drew together. “She was
what
? You mean she doesn’t know?”

“I’m sure she
knows,” Erin said hurriedly, realizing she’d inadvertently evoked a haunting
fear in Seth. “She just likes to hear it.
Ots.
She was saying it to you
when you were hugging her.” Erin smiled wistfully at the memory. “That’s what
‘ots’ means.”

Seth stood up
abruptly and strode out of the room.

Erin stared at
the empty doorway, rather dumbfounded and feeling kind of rejected. Until she
realized what Seth had gone to do.

He was going to
wake Mackenzie up from her nap to tell her that he loved her. To make sure he
said it.

To make sure she
knew
.

***

When he returned to join her, he
collapsed back on the couch, looking like he’d been through a war.

She gazed at
him for a long moment, trying to process the depth of her feelings for this
intense, conflicted, brilliant, articulate, incredibly loving man.

With a hoarse
sound, she hugged him against her again. “God, I’m so in love with you, Seth.”

His arms
tightened around her urgently. So tightly it felt like he might bruise her
ribs. She didn’t care. She needed it. Needed to feel as much of him as she
could.

After a minute,
Seth murmured, “Did you need to talk about anything?”

She knew that
too was a sacrifice, since he’d been already stretched too far today for a man
as reserved as him.

“No. The talking
part of the afternoon is now over.” She kissed him, an ache of arousal starting
to deepen between her legs as he kissed her back, hard and eager.