Nameless (61 page)

And Erin
knew—she
knew
—that finally letting go of everything she’d been holding
back was really worth it.

Seth said
against her ear, “I love you too.”

Erin couldn’t remember the last
time she’d felt so hassled.

She was hassled
every morning, trying to get Mackenzie up, fed, and relatively content in time
for Stella to arrive, which was when Erin could finally rush through a shower
and get dressed to go to work.

This morning
was worse than normal, though. She’d overslept. Then Stella had called to say
she’d be fifteen minutes late. Plus, Mackenzie had been unusually wild, running
around and getting into any trouble she could—culminating in a screaming
temper-fit when Erin tried to change her diaper. Seth had been wrapped up in a phone
conversation since the moment she’d stumbled out of bed.

Which meant, of
course, that he hadn't been any help at all.

Not a good
morning. Particularly since Erin was having to deal with all of it after downing
only half a cup of coffee.

She ignored the
outraged screaming that ensued as she began to pull off Mackenzie’s dirty
diaper, working around the toddler’s flailing arms and legs.

As she was
attempting to wipe Mackenzie’s bottom, Seth came to the door of the nursery and
announced that he had to go out of town again that weekend.

Erin whirled
around in immediate annoyance, since he’d been out of town the previous weekend
too. Deciding she’d better take another swallow of coffee before she told Seth
exactly what she thought of this piece of news, Erin took a sip and tried to
replace the mug on top of the little bookcase filled with Mackenzie’s books.

Erin should
have been paying more attention. She lowered the mug too quickly, slopping
coffee all over the antique wood. When she started to move the mug out of the
puddle she'd made, the wet handle slipped from her fingers.

She caught it
again before it fell to the floor, but the rest of the coffee splashed down
onto Mackenzie’s favorite lavender blanket, which had been dropped on the floor
in the midst of the temper-fit.

Biting off a
curse, Erin managed not to scream. She was about to give a curt reply to Seth’s
announcement when his phone rang again, and he stepped away from the doorway in
order to answer it.

Erin tried even
harder not to scream.

She looked at
the mess of coffee on the bookcase and blanket, and she groaned out loud.

Mackenzie was
still screaming her head off, and—trying to decide between competing urgencies—Erin
quickly put a clean diaper on her daughter and carried her out of the nursery
so she wouldn’t see that her favorite blanket was now covered with coffee.

Leaving Mackenzie
with Seth, who was still talking on the phone but had at least made it into the
kitchen, Erin returned to the nursery to wipe the coffee off the bookcase
before it stained the gorgeous wood.

Seth had
cleared out one of the guest rooms in his apartment to use as a nursery when they’d
moved in with him just after Mackenzie’s first birthday. The new nursery was
gorgeous, convenient, and comfortable, and she’d picked out the color scheme
and décor, but Erin was always slightly nervous because of the expense of all
of the furnishings.

Babies were
messy, and Erin had been known to be occasionally clumsy herself. Just
imagining the amount of money spent on decorating it—and the damage she or her
daughter could conceivably do to it—made Erin feel kind of sick.

She was wiping
up the spill when Seth came back into the nursery, evidently finally having
finished his phone call.

“You know you
don’t have to do that,” he began, his voice cool and slightly impatient. Evidently,
he wasn’t in the best of moods himself.

“
I
made
the mess. I can clean it up.” She’d thought it best she not look at him for the
moment, or else she might make him the target of her rising annoyance with the
world this morning.

Erin finished
wiping up her spill and yanked the coffee-stained blanket off the floor in an
angry jerk.

Despite her
resolve, she had to look in his direction to leave the nursery. Seth was slick
and professional in his dark suit and blue tie. He looked as attractive as ever,
but she really didn't want to see him at the moment.

Something about
his sophisticated appearance just made her mad.

Brushing past
him, she took the blanket to the laundry room.

“Erin.” He'd
followed right on her heels until he saw that she was turning on the washing
machine. “There’s no reason for you to do that. The cleaning service is coming
today, and you’re already running late—”

“I
know
that,” she bit out, whirling around to face him. “But I’m not going to leave it
for someone else to do later. Mackenzie will look for it soon, and then Stella
would have to put up with her tantrum.”

Seth opened up
his mouth to reply, but, before he could speak, Erin slammed the washing
machine closed.

“I can do
things for myself. I don't like for everything to be done for me.” She had paused
in front of him on her way back to the kitchen. Then she continued out, hoping
to leave him and this whole topic of discussion behind her.

Obviously, Seth
wasn't ready to drop it yet.

“It’s their
job
,”
he said, walking with her. “They’re paid well and treated respectfully. No one
is being taken advantage of.”

“I know that.
That wasn’t my point.”

She still wore
her pajama pants and a sweatshirt, since the morning was chilly and she hadn’t
gotten to take a shower yet. Stopping abruptly, she asked, “Where’s Mackenzie? You
were supposed to—”

“She’s fine,” Seth
murmured, rubbing a frustrated hand through his hair. “She was playing with—”

Mackenzie
appeared in the kitchen at that moment, scampering toward them clumsily. She
was walking better now, and she’d even learned to run short distances without
falling.

At the moment
she was incongruously naked from the waist down and carrying a diaper.

The new diaper Erin
had just put on her.

“She took her
diaper off.” Erin sighed, trying not to groan in frustration. “When did she
learn to do that?”

“I don’t know. Although—”

“Do you mind
catching her and putting on a diaper and clothes before she pees all over your
rugs? I’ve got to get her breakfast together, and I’m running out of time.”

Seth pressed
his lips together—obviously not happy about the general state of the
morning—but he moved toward Mackenzie, who had started wobbling toward the
nursery, waving the diaper in front of her.

Erin got a new
cup of coffee. Sipped it and tried to calm down her agitated nerves. Then she
got the Cheerios out for Mackenzie and poured milk into a sippy cup.

In just a
minute, Seth came into the kitchen, hauling a dressed and happily squealing Mackenzie
over his shoulder. He put her in her highchair and then went to pour himself a
cup of coffee.

Erin gave Mackenzie
her milk and Cheerios and then watched as the toddler started to clumsily pick
up O by O and stick them dutifully into her mouth.

Mackenzie had
grown a lot in the last six months. She was a pretty little girl with big blue
eyes and round, rosy cheeks. Her hair was still reddish gold, and it had gotten
a lot thicker and now waved into little kinks around her face. Erin had long
ago resigned herself to the fact that her daughter was going to look more like Seth
than like her.

Joining her at
the counter, Seth said in a low voice, “Erin, there’s no reason for us to go
through this same hassle every morning. We can hire a live-in nanny, who would
watch Mackenzie while—”

“I don’t want a
live-in nanny,” Erin snapped, speaking softly as well, so Mackenzie wouldn’t
hear. “You know that. Stella is our nanny, and she doesn’t want to—”

“Well, we could
ask her to come earlier in the mornings.” Seth’s jaw was clenched in a sure
sign that he wasn’t happy with her. “You’re late to work almost every morning,
and half the time I—”

“If you don’t
want to mess with us in the mornings,” Erin forced out, still keeping half an
eye on Mackenzie, “then you can get up at five and head to your office. You do
that half the time anyway. This is what happens when you have a daughter who’s
sixteen months old.”

Seth just gave
her a cold glare.

“Dada,” Mackenzie
said suddenly. "Ohs."

They both
turned to focus on their daughter in her highchair and saw that she was holding
out a couple of Cheerios toward Seth.

“Thank you,” Seth
said politely, his face changing as he addressed Mackenzie. “But those are
your
Cheerios. You’d better eat them yourself.”

Studying the
proffered cereal intently, Mackenzie shifted her hand toward Erin instead. “Momma,”
she offered.

Erin smiled,
her annoyance fading temporarily. “Thank you, pumpkin. That’s very sweet, but
don’t you want them yourself?”

Mackenzie
frowned thoughtfully and stuck her hand out to Seth again, “Dada ohs!”

With a sigh, Seth
stepped over to take them. “Thank you. I’ll eat these if you’ll eat the rest.”

Mackenzie
watched observantly as Seth brought the four Cheerios to his lips. When she saw
him put them in his mouth and start chewing, she once more started placing the
rest—which were spread out on the tray of the highchair—into her mouth.

Seth returned
to stand in front of Erin. He kind of loomed before her, trapping her between
his body and the counter. Looking down at her from only inches away, he
murmured, almost under his breath, “Is there something you’d like to say to
me?”

“No,” she whispered.
“I’ve said what I wanted to say. This is the way it works with a kid. It’s
normal. I don’t care how much money you have—I’m not going to let someone else
do everything, particularly raise our daughter. I told you that when we moved
in.”

She glanced
over toward Mackenzie.

Seth reached
out and took Erin by the upper arms, bringing her attention back to him.

But before he
could speak, Mackenzie started whimpering. She had a couple of Cheerios stuck
to her hands, but she was holding out both arms toward Erin. Her face had
started to crumple up. In the midst of her whimpers, Erin could hear her mumble
out, “Momma.”

Understanding
immediately, Erin hurried over to the highchair. “Mommy’s all right. Mommy’s
not sad.” She made herself smile and sit down in a chair so she was on Mackenzie’s
level. “Mommy and Daddy are happy.
Happy
.”

Mackenzie
smiled in response, her little face relaxing in relief, and she offered Erin
one sticky hand. Erin wiped it down with a napkin and said, “Are you finished
with your Cheerios? Do you want more?”

“Mo!” Mackenzie
pronounced, looking up at the counter expectantly.

Seth poured out
a few more Cheerios and laid them on the tray of the highchair. After he put
the box down, he turned back toward Erin. Asked under his breath, “Erin?”

She shook her
head. Had not the time, energy, or desire to deal with all of this now.  She
was more than a half-hour late as it was. “We can talk about it later. I can’t
be late again.”

Glancing at his
watch, he raised his eyebrows. Then skimmed his eyes over Erin’s flannel pajama
pants, sweatshirt, and bare feet. “It’s almost eight o’clock already. You’re
going to have to hurry.”

Rolling her
eyes, Erin muttered sarcastically, “Really?” Then, trying not to jump down Seth’s
throat over every little thing, she mumbled, “Sorry.” She turned toward Mackenzie.
“Sweetie? Are you finished with your Cheerios?”

Mackenzie
nodded resolutely. “Ohs.”

“Yes. Your ohs.
Are you done?”

Mackenzie
paused. Then nodded again. “Ess.”

With a sigh of
relief, Erin lifted her daughter out of the high chair. She couldn’t help but
smile when Mackenzie snuggled affectionately against her. Hugging her tightly, Erin
whispered, “Mommy loves you. Lots and lots.”

“Momma,” Mackenzie
mumbled, her face rubbing against Erin’s shoulder. “Ots.”

“Lots,” Erin
repeated, giving her daughter one more squeeze. “Lots and lots.”

“Ots.” She was
fisting Erin’s sweatshirt in her hands.

Seth watched
them silently, and Erin had to look away from the expression in his eyes.

She just
couldn’t deal with any sort of emotion this morning.

When she put Mackenzie
onto the floor and straightened up again, Seth had returned to his usual cool
efficiency. “I need to get to work. I’m already late.”

“You're not the
only one. I have to go answer phone calls and make coffee.” She scowled as she
spoke, feeling a rise of bitterness in her throat.

“There’s no
sense in complaining about it. If you don’t like your job, then quit and find
another one.”

Erin didn’t
like her job. Not anymore. Not since she’d been transferred to the Clerk of
Court’s office because of her relationship with Seth.

She’d never
blamed him for that. But she did blame him for so blandly telling her to quit,
as if he didn’t know what her job meant to her.

“What the hell
else am I supposed to do,” she snapped.

Seth’s face was
tense and unpleasant. “Do whatever you want. There's no reason to continue in a
job that makes you miserable. Surely there’s something you can do that will
make you happy. You know you don’t even have to—”

“Don’t even suggest
it. I’m not going to stay home. I’m not going to quit.”

“I don’t
understand this, Erin. You hate your job now. You come home miserable every
evening. As far as I can see, there’s nothing about it you like at all. Why do
you insist on holding onto it?”

For some
reason, the question hit home. She turned away, toward the wall, shaking as she
tried to control herself.